NFT: who should pay the bill for family dinners?

If all was equal, outside of the birthdays.....both couples and the one boyfriend.

You are making the mistake of paying the lunches.....and setting a precedent.

Just "man up" and pay the bill. Dwelling on the couple of bottles of beer are beneath you. Take the high road.

you are right. No more free lunches.


I am in a no win situation. If I don't pay for them, I would somehow be made out to be the cheapskate. If I pay for them, they don't show gratitude. WTF

I think check time says a lot about the people who are at the table. Even when I was dirt poor in graduate school I sure as hell threw some money in or at least offered. That was just how I was raised. Now, I just throw down my card to avoid things getting uncomfortable but I certainly take note of who didn't lift a finger or even acknowledge the gesture. lol.

discussed this with the sisters-in-law beforehand. This was a planned event, a family birthday dinner, it wasn't spur of the moment. You could have saved yourself an uncomfortable 5 minutes(even if you told them you were picking up the check)

I'm in a similar situation. My wife has 2 sisters, 33 and 27. The 33 y/o has a boyfriend. My wife and I are 37. We are established and (relatively) financially secure. We twice went out for their Dad's birthday the last couple of years and I gladly paid. I just feel that's the proper pecking order.

He shouldn't be ordering a couple bottles of beers.

It should be split between all parties, minus the father in law.

No reason to "man up". Next you will be getting shit for not paying their car/kids/etc. it's your money not "our money."

"I got the food, booze is on the person ordering it"
At least that way you won't feel like your taken advantage of

split the dinner bill and on both occasions he paid his half and took the bill so he could expense it-the whole thing.


I don't go out with him anymore.

In comment 12239665 Danny Kanell said:

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I'm in a similar situation. My wife has 2 sisters, 33 and 27. The 33 y/o has a boyfriend. My wife and I are 37. We are established and (relatively) financially secure. We twice went out for their Dad's birthday the last couple of years and I gladly paid. I just feel that's the proper pecking order.

What about Mother's Day, Father's Day, CHristmas, other birthdays, etc?

In comment 12239675 oghwga said:

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split the dinner bill and on both occasions he paid his half and took the bill so he could expense it-the whole thing. I don't go out with him anymore.

I would have no problem with that, unless you want the bill to expense it also.

my two sisters and i took my parents out last night for a birthday dinner along the grandkids who could make it; 11 total. when the check came we divided it by 9 (we paid for my parents) to come to a per person amt and between my sisters and i we paid accordingly.

i really don't understand where the older sibling or the one who makes the most needs to pay or should be expected to pay (i'm the youngest). even when myself or one of my sisters were going through rough patches financially we never allowed another to pay for our dinners. with this said we were there if someone needed to borrow some money for a few months, etc. wrt your sister-in-law in graduate school, it is nice to help out 'every now and then' but it should never come to the point that is expected (in your case the check just sat there) and she should always offer. and when you do pay it should come with a big 'thanks so much guys, it really helps me getting through graduate school, blah, blah, blah'

i do believe it is up to your wife to make everything clear w her family prior to the making arrangements. in past years when someone is low on cash we've done more low cost options, in fact this year my one sister asked us to find a lower cost resteruant bc she was paying for 5 ppl at the dinner and trying to put 4 boys through college / graduate school.

credit card roulette.

When invited, I always offer, and it varies as to whether or not I get tagged with some (or all) of the bill.

Doesn't bother me, except for one instance - one family member who has a knack for out-ordering everyone else (the most expensive menu item, three or more bar drinks, etc.) and somehow never cracks open the wallet. I don't mind people taking the free ride, but don't insist on a seat in first class damnit.

I'm sure you guys are just dying to have him join the family. What a putz.

As someone else stated, unless prearranged, I would split the check with you and your wife picking up your father-in-law's portion.

has two sisters and a brother (all married). When we get together for an occasion (last time was M-I-L's birthday) we simply split the bill 4 ways.

We do have two kids, so we make sure to toss in extra. However there's absolutely no nit picking whatsoever over who had an extra beer or a more expensive appetizer........makes life a lot easier.

grab the check first(be the one to ask for it if need be) throw in what you feel comfortable paying, I would cover my family's portion and if i can afford it would kick in for the birthdays, and leave it on the table for everyone else to make it whole.

with. when i first went out with my wife's parents when we started dating my father in law shot me a dirty look for trying to pay. I am not allowed for any function on that side as that's his domain even on his birthday.

both FIL and one SIL you can't expect either of them to pay. So then it is down to you and younger sister and guest (boyfriend). IMO it falls mostly on you at that point and instead of embarrassing your FIL I wouldn't have said anything about splitting at the time but afterwards your wife could pull the other SIL aside and ask if she could throw you a few dollars towards covering some of the extra expense of her having invited her boyfriend.

This was a birthday deal so a little less standard but as a general rule I think whoever plans or invites the others should expect to pay but on the flip side of the coin even if I am invited I always offer to pay at least something if not try to pay all of it.

Also I think a little more burden falls to the elder siblings in a general sense but shouldn't be an automatic for every lunch and diner out. Ideally everyone should be insisting to pay and that way once in awhile the older more established family member can choose to relent to the younger less so and basically can control how often they do pay which while should be more often but not every single meal.

I agree with the pre-arranged settling of how the bill should be paid. It does save that awkward time.

The only thing I might do in certain circumstances like this is say "I got the check, you guys just pay the tip".

PS: You whining about the boyfriend ordering a couple of beers kind of makes you sound like a cheapskate.

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Because the BF is a doosh who never pays for anything and doesn't even make an effort or show appreciation.

I am amazed at people like that who have no problems living off other people's generosity and don't even flinch.

The alligator arms when the bill comes. And often that guy orders top shelf when someone else is paying and shit when they are. It's fucking annoying. If I'm going to get fucked I'll get a hooker.

lots of good ideas here. Just consider this: Is it worth it for you and your wife to have sisters & boyfriend out to dinner with her dad or not. If they aren't, just take dad alone.

If you really feel the dinner is important with a larger group, by all means mention something to your sister before time. I like the suggestion that you pay the food, and the other pays for drinks if that works for you financially.

My Uncle/Aunt often grab the check and will not let us pay because they are much better off than we are. I think he considers it a nice little gift of gratitude for where he is in life and we always remember to thank him.

It's a very nice gesture when you can pick up the tab that should certainly be appreciated by at least a quick "thank you." Anything less just shows total lack of manners.

!

If you are wealthy enough to have a roof over your head, go on a nice vacation once or twice a year, save for your retirement and still have a few bucks left over, then I suggest you never waste another minute of your life being upset over a dinner bill.

If you pay, that means everybody accepts that you are the alpha. Don't get mad. Instead be proud.

Then don't offer anymore. Family or not. Good people come back and want to spend time with you.

unless the total for meals over the course of the year is more than 0.5% of your family income, or something like that, which I am sure it never is.

I basically put my niece through college, and I don't even like her that much (although she is improving as a human being as she gets more mature).

It was easier than having my sister complain about how broke she is--she's a widow who can't get back into her chosen profession.

The point is that unless the amount of money involved burns a hole in your lifestyle or retirement planning, it isn't worth the hassle to think about very much, or to stay pissed at family members.

In comment 12239941 gidiefor said:

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!

Apparently, you and the rest of my family share a platform...

I'm sorry spike that what should have been a happy, joyous celebration for your father in law became stressful and petty.

First, kudos to your wife for stepping up to her sisters/brothers and not making you do it. That's good to see.

Second, going forward you guys need to tell the cheapskates ahead of time that if they want to do these things going forward - again, for (their) parents - that everyone needs to chip in.

PS. The bottles of beer comment is beneath you though. What guy doesn't at dinner? At $5 each did this even total to $20?

do they say thank you? If so then I'm willing to pick up the bill and I usually offer to pay regardless of who I'm with.

is that it almost seems like they expected you to pay for them. It is true that everyone does not make the same money in life. However, this is for their own father. The same father who probably paid for everything for your them growing up. They should reach in their pockets and be HAPPY to contribute for their father. They can cut back on another expense somewhere so they can take their father out.

So, in my opinion this is really telling me what they think of their father more than something against you or your wife.

All my immediate family has past. My wife's dad is 86 and lives with his GF. I have moved them more times than I know and pay 75% of their yearly expenses.

Her sister and her husband come down about every 2 months and we take the out for lunch, This was the day. They split paying every every other with the other paying the tip.

Not hurting my retirement and the wife is happy. I can do what I want. That's what counts

when I do, I'll usually swipe the check unless it embarrasses someone. My family is not particularly wealthy and I'd rather them enjoy themselves the handful of times we get together than have acrimony over stuff like that. I also waited enough tables in my life that I like to tip well (and my wide assortment of children require enough attention before, during and after a meal that such a tip is well-earned) and if I get the check I know that'll be the case. There are a few people, particularly my in-laws, who get upset if they don't pay and that's fine, but for the most part we don't have large gatherings enough for it to take a meaningful chunk out of my pay.

dinner and modestly saying he had no money to pay for dinner. Than after all said no problem, he ordered the double lobster tail and a bottle of wine. That story has been told so often and generated so much laughter in my family that it was worth every penny. To answer your question in most cases all should pay their own share, it really matters little who earns what. The exception would be when one couple desires to take all out to celebrate something, than the bill is theirs, its their party.

Function meal out, and everyone chips in "their share", but when the total is added up, so far as everyone else's contributions are concerned, you are 20-25% shirt of what you need because the others at the table didn't add a tip or all of their % of the tax, or forgot about the fact that they have fed four teens while you are feeding two 8 and 9 year olds...

$40 value (at retail) bottles of my wine, and receive no compensation for it.

Finally, I bring far less of my wine to family events nowadays...

In comment 12240567 wgenesis123 said:

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dinner and modestly saying he had no money to pay for dinner. Than after all said no problem, he ordered the double lobster tail and a bottle of wine. That story has been told so often and generated so much laughter in my family that it was worth every penny. To answer your question in most cases all should pay their own share, it really matters little who earns what. The exception would be when one couple desires to take all out to celebrate something, than the bill is theirs, its their party.

Hopefully he shared the wine at least?

generally speaking. If you want it to be less then plan something cheaper.

What you're dealing with sounds like two parts. First, you have younger siblings who cannot afford to treat. I'd recommend you be as generous as you can with them. If your budget doesn't allow you to pay all the time then tell them what you are able to pay for and see if they want to upgrade the occasion, as in (We should do a birthday dinner for dad and sis - I can spring for some pizzas, etc. but beyond that my budget's too tight right now to do the five-star restaurant thing. Does that sound good to you?)

The second part is the idea that you're dealing with a freeloader who is technically not part of the family. I'd stop inviting him immediately. No need to get him on board in any way. Tell sis next time that your budget is tight and that if she wants to bring him they need to cover his share of the bill.

I think we often shy away from discussing these money issues but really, there should be no shame in having a budget and living by it. In my family that's how we're doing it anyway.

the right thing for the sister in law and boyfriend to do would be to offer to split the bill. the birthday honorees should not have to pay.

i would say going forward, you should take turns hosting house dinner parties for birthdays which are far less expensive....if there is tension about eating out and picking up the tab, there should be a rotating location for birthdays. either have a pot luck or whoever hosts takes care of the meal.

In comment 12239662 Headhunter said:

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discussed this with the sisters-in-law beforehand. This was a planned event, a family birthday dinner, it wasn't spur of the moment. You could have saved yourself an uncomfortable 5 minutes(even if you told them you were picking up the check)

Hell has frozen over. I agree 100%.

If you're doing a little better financially you'd have had the chance to say: "I'll pick this on up but the next lunch is on you and the photographer."

He was with his GF's family and it wasn't worth a few bucks to him to chip in and demonstrate to her family that he pulls his own weight? The GF must have been really proud.

I agree with the others that the beer comment was a bit petty but the BF's behavior was beyond atrocious, IMO.

I dont understand that at all. He isnt a member of the family. I dont really think it is appropriate at all to expect a date to chip in for a family birthday. Nor do I think that a "couple of bottles of beer" is some extravagance that warrants special consideration at a $300 dinner (Im picturing some standard 12oz beer). It would be nice if he threw in IF he was a long term boyfriend who sort of pays SIL's way anyway; otherwise it would be odd frankly.

I just wouldnt do family restaurant dinners if it is going to cause family stress. Better that one person cooks, and others bring a dessert or beer/wine. Or rotate -- sometimes the payer take people out to dinner, other times the alligator arms can host dinner. But absolutely stop scheduling dinners if they lead to resentment over paying for the dinner.

Underhills?

you gents and ladies of BBI are wonderful and reasonable folks.

Since no one wants to undertake the hassle of cooking, the family will have to discuss payment responsibilities before the meals.

In comment 12240295 MetsAreBack said:

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I'm sorry spike that what should have been a happy, joyous celebration for your father in law became stressful and petty. First, kudos to your wife for stepping up to her sisters/brothers and not making you do it. That's good to see. Second, going forward you guys need to tell the cheapskates ahead of time that if they want to do these things going forward - again, for (their) parents - that everyone needs to chip in. PS. The bottles of beer comment is beneath you though. What guy doesn't at dinner? At $5 each did this even total to $20?

I don't care about the beer costs.. It's just the guy always lets my SIL pay for their share of family dinners. They've been together for over 2 years and are cohabitating.

I just expect those who have real jobs to chip in for dinner. My other SIL is in grad school so I dont expect anything from her yet.

I met my wife as a dirt poor college sophomore. We've since worked hard to have what we do. It ain't a lot, but we're comfortable. So basically be been on both sides of this-the poor boyfriend with not a lot to offer when the check comes as well as the oldest and most established couple in the family when we take the parents out for dinner. But when I was the poor college student boyfriend I always ordered the cheaper items on the menu, I never ordered alcohol,cans I always offered to pay the tip. Otherwise I felt like Id be taking advantage of my in-laws hospitality, and they're very generous.

So now a decade+ later after my wife and I have worked our tails off to establish ourselves yeah, I might be a bit irritated if my wife's younger sister brought some bf to a family dinner where he ordered as if he was paying with no real intention of making any contribution. Maybe it's funny but the alcohol is the thing that bugs me. A few rounds of drinks can tack a hefty little sum to a dinner bill but it's certainly not a necessity, especially if you aren't paying for it. I dunno, I just feel like unless it's explicitly stated otherwise a man should pay for his own drinks. If you can't, just have a Coke. I think it's sleazy to be perfectly honest.

I can't fathom going out with my girl's parents and not even making the gesture to pay! Don't like to judge anyone's financial situation but cheapskates are my biggest petpeeve in life. At least make an offer to contribute something, even the tip.