I'm bringing this to the BBI family cause this is the only message board I am really involved in and want some outside perspective.
So I met her when she was about 2 and I was about 13 and of course she does not remember me. I wish I had like picked her up or something, but I was bitter for a variety of reasons. My (Our) Dad had an affair and I don't even think she knows that. I attempted reaching out to her on facebook back in 2010, but she was only about 15 then and I was about 26. I think I freaked her out cause she said her mom had never told her and probably fed her a line of shit since she was fucking my Dad behind my Moms back. Backstory I walked in on them fucking when I was 5 years old after coming home from school one day.
Anyways, she ceased communication with me. Likely thinking I was a stalker or some other creep. Clearly this was not a smart move, but I was going through a rough patch and wanted to reach out to something I guess. She lives on the otherside of the country. She is now 20 or so from what I can tell via facebook. Growing up an only child I always wanted a sibling. I feel I deserve to know what its like to have a sibling and I think I've been robbed of that my entire life. I might even have an even younger brother, no idea, haven't been able to figure that out yet.
How should I approach this? I don't want a repeat from my last attempt. I've been patiently waiting for her to get older and become an adult so she can cope with this easier. We share the same last name. What should I do? I don't feel comfortable bringing this up with my Dad as we have a barely functioning, semi-existent relationship. Is this weird? There's a whole bag of rotten shit in our past from a common father. I'm wondering if I should like talk to a counselor or just drop it as maybe she has a more functioning life and I don't need to ruin hers? Fuck I don't know.
Go Giants.
So far, I have had the best responses to letters sent through the mail. I think that emails can be easily ignored or
forgotten, but not many people forget that they received a letter. I think many folks appreciate the time that someone
takes to write and mail a letter also.
The last time I did this I also included copies of some photos I had of the grandfather of the woman I was writing to and
she was thrilled to get them - that seemed to get her more interested in what else I might be willing to share and
it turned out she was willing to share as well.
I feel like that'd be a good place to start, along with a brief description about how you are pretty sure (I don't know your specific situation, but provided you were able to establish common ground I wouldn't tell her 'positive') that you guys are related 'in some way'.
Keeping it vague at the outset and then easing into details after you build some rapport is probably the way to go.
I like the letter idea, but it's tough to send a 20 year old a letter. If they're at college, it's nearly impossible to figure out their dorm room, and no college students check physical mail. If you send it to the 'real home' house, it will be intercepted and will not be private.
Nowadays, Facebook is probably nearly as bad, as you cannot even guarantee the message will reach her (they have a separate inbox for non-friends).
If she's 20, best way to reach her (discounting snapchat which is weird automatically) is probably college email or gmail (everyone, EVERYONE has a gmail). Honestly, to a 20 year old, Instagram might actually be appropriate - there's no 'non friend message inbox', and you could actually attach a picture of you and your Dad if you have one (I know it's rough if you guys aren't talking, but the goal here is to get to know your sister, right?)
...But IG or not, if you have something or anything that can establish off the bat you aren't full of shit, even if it's a story your Dad had told you that he likely also told her , it'd probably be enough to get her to at least reciprocate the connection.
I hope it works out for you man. My little sister is my best friend and the single most important person to me in the world without any type of question or hesitation... she is truly the one person in this world i would not think twice about doing anything for, no matter what it cost me, and I hope that you are able to establish that bond with your lil sis in due time.
I feel like that'd be a good place to start, along with a brief description about how you are pretty sure (I don't know your specific situation, but provided you were able to establish common ground I wouldn't tell her 'positive') that you guys are related 'in some way'.
Keeping it vague at the outset and then easing into details after you build some rapport is probably the way to go.
I like the letter idea, but it's tough to send a 20 year old a letter. If they're at college, it's nearly impossible to figure out their dorm room, and no college students check physical mail. If you send it to the 'real home' house, it will be intercepted and will not be private.
Nowadays, Facebook is probably nearly as bad, as you cannot even guarantee the message will reach her (they have a separate inbox for non-friends).
If she's 20, best way to reach her (discounting snapchat which is weird automatically) is probably college email or gmail (everyone, EVERYONE has a gmail). Honestly, to a 20 year old, Instagram might actually be appropriate - there's no 'non friend message inbox', and you could actually attach a picture of you and your Dad if you have one (I know it's rough if you guys aren't talking, but the goal here is to get to know your sister, right?)
...But IG or not, if you have something or anything that can establish off the bat you aren't full of shit, even if it's a story your Dad had told you that he likely also told her , it'd probably be enough to get her to at least reciprocate the connection.
I hope it works out for you man. My little sister is my best friend and the single most important person to me in the world without any type of question or hesitation... she is truly the one person in this world i would not think twice about doing anything for, no matter what it cost me, and I hope that you are able to establish that bond with your lil sis in due time.
The dad/me picture is brilliant. However, I was actually looking at our last correspondence which I had to dig deep for in facebook and she knows I exist, we sent about 6 messages each back and forth. Not sure I really proved I'm not bullshit though, but if I'm going to give it one last go I wonder if I should wait a few more years. Shit, she might not even remember what our sperm donor of a father looks like.
I'm thinking I should let this die. She probably just isn't interested. At that age she is more interested in friends and being young. She has a family and isn't an "only" child like me so this likely doesn't interest her. I've got my friends, they are brother and sister enough for me I guess.
I dunno. I'll sleep on this. Other advice is welcomed. Thanks sonic and manh.
Maybe wait until she is older so she can handle it in a more serious way.
On a side not, Route 9 why don't read some of your posts. Not sure what you think you accomplish with your immature attitude toward other individuals, especially college students. Not sure a blanket statement works in this situation. There are therapists available for you also
Then pony up and plan a trip that you would enjoy somewhere near enough to her and if she allows you to come to her area of the country and still refuses to meet move on with your life knowing that you did everything that a good older brother could do under difficult circumstances no father should have placed you in. Maybe one day when she reaches the age you are now she will return the favor and reach out to you.
If you would get to meet her don't make it a venting session where you dump on your father. Just make it about getting to know her, and she you.
Good luck with it however you choose to proceed. I hope you find what you are looking for.
PS unrelated but you may want to consider one day forgiving your father at some point. He obviously is flawed and caused your family grief but he is still the only father you have. Now that you are older forgiving him (while not forgetting) and moving forward from this point may allow you to get something from family you desire. If nothing else it allows you to move forward in life knowing that you did everything a good son could do having been placed in circumstances no father should have put you in.
Again I wish you well, I will pray for you that you may find peace with it all regardless of the outcome.
This might be harsh, but your post came across with a sense of entitlement that you deserve a sibling. try keeping that tone out of any communication with her. no one is entitled to a sibling. you may want one, but no one deserves one.
Plus, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. even if she's receptive, you're highly unlikely to be family. you didn't grow up together, haven't shared common experiences, etc. you'll be two strangers with a common sperm donor, not the sibling relationship you're romanticizing.
Take it down a notch. Lose the potentially creepy 'I want a sister' angle, and approach it neutrally with 'we're biologically related, so can we talk?'
I'll add that there is so much predatory behavior on the Internet - especially by older men toward younger women - that the presumption of creepiness is pretty high, even if you demonstrate the authenticity of your genetic bond. A newly-discovered half-brother is no less likely to be a creep than a random stranger. It doesn't help that your shared DNA is itself a reminder of male fecklessness.
whoa up on the male fecklessness bit. Momma was there for the conception, too. unless there was forced sex involved, both tango partners share the responsibility for what happened on the dance floor. This is the modern age. ERA and all that.
Thanks in advance.
Otherwise, you can write a letter (remember those?), NOT going over the back story, but just with the same thing. That you're family, but you're not the same person as her father, and that the door is open on your side if she makes the decision to open it.
Leave it there, and live your life. It sucks, because she may not choose to open that door, and that will hurt...but...she has to do it, you can't do it for her.
She has to be ready to make contact, and that may be a while, if ever. And yeah, get some help if you need it.
Again, you have to live your life first. Just be ready for whatever comes.
kids these days don't do cursive.
:)
:)
But yeah, I would just reiterate to her why you want to get to know her. And that you won't pester her about it but if she decides against it, just tell her that she is always free to contact you and talk to you anytime she wants to. Leave the door open. Even if she's not comfortable now, she might be years from now and that's better than nothing. But like others have said, this whole thing is basically on her. The best you can do is explain your situation without it sounding weird or creepy and hope that it resonates with her enough that she wants to talk to you sometime. Just expect that it won't for the sake of your own feelings.
Give her some space and some time....
I know you want this relationship for your own reasons, and that's fine, but in my experience you are much more likely to get a positive result if you let her come to you on her own terms.
Good luck!
You could possibly send a copy of your birth certificate which would have your father's name on it, but there no guarantee that he is on her birth certificate.
Obviously, the hardest and most awkward part of this is that this connection was created through infidelity. You don't want to introduce yourself with "Hi, your mom was my dad's mistress!" but it's very well implied by the circumstances. And that is going to put up some automatic defensive boundaries up for her.
There's also this creepy thing where if you send her an email, it's understood that you scanned her Facebook to get the information you needed. That screams "stalker," even if it isn't. Another defensive wall.
My advice is to talk to your father. There might be some type of correspondence between him and her mother to arrange for child support or anything else. If you can use that connection, you might be able to contact the mother and get help from her. IF she's willing to help, you probably can't have a better ally.
Whatever you decide to do, I would understand this. You have already tried once. If you try again and you're rejected, there can't be a third time. That will be it. She's 20. Decide if she's mature enough to handle this, and if she's at a point where she's interested in meeting new family. Like someone said, if she's in college, she's probably busy studying and partying and living the college life. She's asserting her independence, and adding another family anchor might not be what she's looking for right now. It's usually at some point after college where people's family life becomes more important again (either with their existing family or creating a new family).
^this.
+1
She has enough to worry about right now with going to college and trying to figure out her place in her world. Contacting her now would not create the best situation for a friendly relationship long term.
Speaking to your father, no matter how tough, is a good first step to get his thoughts on it. He must have kept in touch with the mother and his daughter via child support and what not. He can give you his opinion on what to try to do or not.
Regardless of what he says, good ideal to wait till her mid 20's. She'll be more mature and hopefully open to getting to know another possible sibling.
because shes done with classes very soon (most end by late may).
Send her a message in june, she'll be on break.
I also think sending a letter in the mail is best, if possible. It makes it more personal. So many scammers on the internet people are naturally suspicious.