NFT: Aging, Maturing and Nostalgia

we have a Guy's Weekend where we get a bunch of us together for cards, golf, drinking, eating, etc. When I was 30, those weekends were almost like going back to a frat party. 2AM would roll around and a quarter of the guys would be passed out, a quarter of them had brought back girls from the strip club, a quarter were up playing cards and the rest were asleep.

Last year, half were playing cards and half were asleep.

But here's the thing. Remember when you were at a college party and the "old" dude who only graduated a few years ago was back drinking and hitting on chicks? We always thought that dude was a loser and a creep. You can't really go back to that life without being looked at that way, too.

Enjoy those guy's weekends and keep doing them each year.

I get nostalgic on the way to see my high school friends. On the way back, I'm remembering why I stopped seeing them so much.

seriously, though, people of every age party. you don't need to go back in time to party once in a while. It's not maturing/aging to give up partying. partying responsibly, maybe. Carefree? I don't remember a time I was free of cares past the age of 12. the category of what constitutes a care changes with time, but there always were cares, and there always will be.

remember yesterday, plan for tomorrow, and live in the now.

jjgmrg901: was it Carlin who said "if we're here to help others, what are the others here for?"

I still have those feelings. At your age, you probably ought not to have them, but I sort of remember doing the same then. So it may be quite normal, if not so often talked about.

is that it implies you didn't enjoy it enough at the time. Memories can play tricks on you, but feelings are more personal. Successful, graceful aging is all about living without regrets and coping with the loss of not being able to do the things you once did. Some of the posts on this forum give you a good idea of who gets it and who doesn't.

If you're 31 and have some regrets, I'd make a point of taking care of that before you turn 40. Not the best advice for all people, of course, but don't live an unhappy life if you don't have to.

You can only go forward. But that forward is whatever you want it to be. If you're missing something in your current life, add it. Include your wife. Make it an adventure. Don't look back at old memories and missed opportunities like it's the end. Go make new memories. You're younger than you think, and you'll never be this young again.
Good luck.

(i.e. Go out this weekend, buy a Wrangler and have a threesome).

I'm 26 and I have those feelings. I'm also going through an existential crisis, but I digress.


I envy those who are in their teens and have college ahead of them ("best four years of their lives"). Others, like Barilko and Buford, see 26 as young. 80 year-olds would see them as young. Methusaleh would see 80 year-olds as babies in cradles.

What doesn't help is professional sports in this case because 31 is seen as old in Basketball, Football and Hockey.




Just take it one day at a time, CMicks.

feel your age when childhood idols start looking like they are old or worse yet, die.

Phil Simms looks like he's starting to lose it. Brad Van Pelt has been dead for years. Paul Simon looks like a hunched over grandfather. Harrison Ford is slightly better preserved than Clint Eastwood, but not by much.

Yeah, I can't add anything to what's been said, except... Geezus dude. You're still just a baby. ENJOY. 30's were also some of the best times of my life. Each year that goes by after 30, the more it feels like someone is hitting the Fast Forward button. I still think of myself as that same HS/College kid... and I'm still very physically fit... but damn sometimes I feel old. Especially when I see all of my childhood heroes... some old and some dead.

continue making memories so one day you look back at 31 as the best days of your life. At that age, I had 2 kids, and a mortgage on a house in Dallas during the S&L debacle. The value dropped by 1/3 overnight. What I remember most about that age is sailing on Lewisville Lake, paddling the Guadalupe with my son, a bachelor party in San Antonio, etc, etc.

Anak, I suggest you start having fun and stop wondering what your purpose is. Thinking too much is unhealthy.

is when some of your childhood friends start dying off.

married, two young kids and don't miss partying, but i do regret not going away for undergraduate studies and wish i knew then what i know now about nutrition, women, etc.

.

.

(I'm 31, too.)

But the idea of only seeing my friends once a year is upsetting. I'm also terrified of marriage. The vast majority of marriages that I'm personally around are nonsense, and I just found out one of the fiance in one of the (perceived) good relationships had some extra carricular activity on a busines trip recently. The majority of successful marriages I hear about talk constantly about coping rather than staying in the throes of passion. It's just so unappealing to me, but as another poster said, I don't want to be alone in Bergen County either. My friends will all eventually be locked into marriage and sadly that (and children) is my biggest incentive as of now.

I wish I could understand how to enjoy it.

I'm 31 as well. I've been through similar phases. Wishing for my early 20's back, missing those times, etc.

But it's not those actual times that you miss as much as it's just wanting back that "potential" of your future because back then, it seemed limitless and as you get older and settle into your realities more, you become less of a dreamer and life gets more fenced in as your responsibilities grow.

The major mistake we make is staying in this mindset and not realizing that 10 years from now, we're going to feel similarly about 31 as we did 21.

I had a lot of really good times when I was younger but those times weren't without struggles or rough patches. It's just selective memory. Choosing to remember the best parts and forgetting about the worst.

It's easy to get sucked into nostalgia but it's important to not take today for granted. Make the most out of these days so that when you look back on them 10 years from now, you won't feel like you missed chances or were stuck with your head in the clouds.

I'd love to have those carefree days back sometimes but I'd much rather be the person I am today than the person I was back then. Life is too short to live in the past. Embrace the present and set your sights on the future.

In comment 13001837 AP in Halfmoon said:

Quote:

Aging?

LOL My thought exactly when I open the thread.

I figured 31 is the new 17.

In comment 13002398 Mike in Long Beach said:

Quote:

(I'm 31, too.) But the idea of only seeing my friends once a year is upsetting. I'm also terrified of marriage. The vast majority of marriages that I'm personally around are nonsense, and I just found out one of the fiance in one of the (perceived) good relationships had some extra carricular activity on a busines trip recently. The majority of successful marriages I hear about talk constantly about coping rather than staying in the throes of passion. It's just so unappealing to me, but as another poster said, I don't want to be alone in Bergen County either. My friends will all eventually be locked into marriage and sadly that (and children) is my biggest incentive as of now. I wish I could understand how to enjoy it.

you can enjoy it by finding a high quality woman and investing in that relationship. avoid the selfish, sketchy and cray cray ones.

In comment 13002412 Jay in Toronto said:

Quote:

In comment 13001837 AP in Halfmoon said: Quote: Aging? LOL My thought exactly when I open the thread. I figured 31 is the new 17.

That's true. 31 is like the new 16. Used to be the new 21 but now it's the new 16

Quote:

The major mistake we make is staying in this mindset and not realizing that 10 years from now, we're going to feel similarly about 31 as we did 21

Going from 21 to 31 signifies a radical life change. Most people go from being unemployed, single and possibly living at home or with friends to having a job, probably a family and living on your own.

From 31 to 41, you really are just developing on that major change. If you didn't have kids or got married, you probably will right now or you never will. If you don't have your own house or apartment, you probably don't need to look back at 21 too fondly - you're still there. If you have kids, they are getting older and becoming young adults. As far as responsibilities, you are pretty much stagnant from 30 to mid 50's. Then you become an empty nester or a divorcee and have a rebirth of your wild days when you are freer to do things.

.
US News - ( New Window )

In comment 13002407 arcarsenal said:

Quote:

I'm 31 as well. I've been through similar phases. Wishing for my early 20's back, missing those times, etc. But it's not those actual times that you miss as much as it's just wanting back that "potential" of your future because back then, it seemed limitless and as you get older and settle into your realities more, you become less of a dreamer and life gets more fenced in as your responsibilities grow. The major mistake we make is staying in this mindset and not realizing that 10 years from now, we're going to feel similarly about 31 as we did 21. I had a lot of really good times when I was younger but those times weren't without struggles or rough patches. It's just selective memory. Choosing to remember the best parts and forgetting about the worst. It's easy to get sucked into nostalgia but it's important to not take today for granted. Make the most out of these days so that when you look back on them 10 years from now, you won't feel like you missed chances or were stuck with your head in the clouds. I'd love to have those carefree days back sometimes but I'd much rather be the person I am today than the person I was back then. Life is too short to live in the past. Embrace the present and set your sights on the future.

Great post. I actually look at my life now at 31 and I think things are going way better than at 25. With the exception of occasionally craving a wild night out, I almost never wish to "go back," per se. Even on a weekend, I usually like calling it a night, at the latest, after west coast hockey games are over :) That's a big change from my mid 20s.

But what I do struggle with is the natural segregation of people, or the decomposing of social circles. Maybe my experience is very specific, but more and more, those in serious relationships are separating themselves from the rest of their friends. I've always found this behavior peculiar. It's not everyone, but it doesn't take everyone.

When you have a big group of friends, If just 3 of the 10 choose to pass on certain gatherings, it lowers the chance of everyone else making the effort to get together when core members of a group won't be there. And from there, you see groups of people who were once close lose touch, and I just never understood why it has to be that way. Maybe I'm naive, in fact I probably am, but I always had this idea that my friends would stay my friends, and when we'd get married and have kids, we'd still all be seeing other a couple times a month, providing we don't relocate. The kids would be friends, the wives would be friends, and the only changes would be more people in the group, not less.

The bitch of it for me is I'm not going to be good at making friends, and having friends is something I care about. I still am very close with 4 or 5 guys. And I've been close with each and every one of them since grade school. From what I understand that is very rare. Perhaps I just need to let go a bit.

That's been my problem with life at this age. It feels like everyone is so hellbent on doing what they're "supposed" to do, that they lose touch with what makes them happy.

and seeing your kids develop as independent adults.

I have a grandson, age 5, and we spend a lot time together. I wouldn't trade these days for anything. Here he is wearing the shirt my daughter (his Mom) gave me for Father's Day.

the circle of friends ends up being diminished so that you might be left with a close couple guys. My best friend and I moved to Charlotte together. Planned on going into business together and see each other all the time. In my 30's, I saw him every week, for either pick-up basketball, golf, or going out to watch games. Then we both had kids. Golf became once a month. Drinks became cookouts over at each other houses, then 3 years ago, he ran off with his secretary, left his wife and kids and dropped contact with everyone. We've only reconnected in the past few months.

Other than that, I have some close friends in Raleigh that I see a couple times a year and the rest of my circle are friends from work, either this job or a previous one, but the majority of time is spent with my family.

I always thought I'd miss having the one "go to" friend or group of guys, but I really don't.

In comment 13002471 Mike in Long Beach said:

Quote:

In comment 13002407 arcarsenal said: Quote: I'm 31 as well. I've been through similar phases. Wishing for my early 20's back, missing those times, etc. But it's not those actual times that you miss as much as it's just wanting back that "potential" of your future because back then, it seemed limitless and as you get older and settle into your realities more, you become less of a dreamer and life gets more fenced in as your responsibilities grow. The major mistake we make is staying in this mindset and not realizing that 10 years from now, we're going to feel similarly about 31 as we did 21. I had a lot of really good times when I was younger but those times weren't without struggles or rough patches. It's just selective memory. Choosing to remember the best parts and forgetting about the worst. It's easy to get sucked into nostalgia but it's important to not take today for granted. Make the most out of these days so that when you look back on them 10 years from now, you won't feel like you missed chances or were stuck with your head in the clouds. I'd love to have those carefree days back sometimes but I'd much rather be the person I am today than the person I was back then. Life is too short to live in the past. Embrace the present and set your sights on the future. Great post. I actually look at my life now at 31 and I think things are going way better than at 25. With the exception of occasionally craving a wild night out, I almost never wish to "go back," per se. Even on a weekend, I usually like calling it a night, at the latest, after west coast hockey games are over :) That's a big change from my mid 20s. But what I do struggle with is the natural segregation of people, or the decomposing of social circles. Maybe my experience is very specific, but more and more, those in serious relationships are separating themselves from the rest of their friends. I've always found this behavior peculiar. It's not everyone, but it doesn't take everyone. When you have a big group of friends, If just 3 of the 10 choose to pass on certain gatherings, it lowers the chance of everyone else making the effort to get together when core members of a group won't be there. And from there, you see groups of people who were once close lose touch, and I just never understood why it has to be that way. Maybe I'm naive, in fact I probably am, but I always had this idea that my friends would stay my friends, and when we'd get married and have kids, we'd still all be seeing other a couple times a month, providing we don't relocate. The kids would be friends, the wives would be friends, and the only changes would be more people in the group, not less. The bitch of it for me is I'm not going to be good at making friends, and having friends is something I care about. I still am very close with 4 or 5 guys. And I've been close with each and every one of them since grade school. From what I understand that is very rare. Perhaps I just need to let go a bit. That's been my problem with life at this age. It feels like everyone is so hellbent on doing what they're "supposed" to do, that they lose touch with what makes them happy.

Yeah, I hear you. I'm somewhere in between. I'm not married and don't have kids but I'm a lot further along than I was a few years ago. I've always just done the things I enjoy and kind of let whatever happens happens. Some of my friends seemed to feel "forced" to find a partner and have a kid by a certain age and now some of those relationships are already kind of falling apart and I think some of them regret rushing into things because they thought they were "supposed" to. There are others who have small families now and are perfectly happy and that's great. I haven't ruled out anything for myself.

I still have a group of friends that hangs out regularly. We don't stay out til 4 am the way we used to anymore but we get out and do things and are still close. My friend circle is smaller than it used to be but that's fine. As you get older you hang onto the people who really mean something and let go of the ones you don't.

I had a good friend circle in high school and college and for a while after. Now it's like a line segment, and even that is mostly over email. I have acquaintances that I'm friendly with, but nobody I'd call up to do anything.

sigh. This day just got depressing.

I do think that aging and a simple drop in energy contributes. Like I said, I'm 31. By no means a geezer, but tonight is a great example. My friends and I are all free, but we've decided we're not getting together for the USMNT vs. Argentina game because it starts at 9pm. 5 years ago it wouldn't have even been in question.

And that's not on my friends, married or otherwise. I agree with the decision. I'd rather go home and relax with the start being as late as it is. Those moments together are happening less and less frequently, as all of us equally are becoming more intolerant of obstacles. So I'm guilty of some of the stuff I complained about. I just think I've drawn a better line... but of course I think that.

and had the time and funds to enjoy myself while still having the energy to go all out career-wise. My college days...always dead broke, didn't have direction and hated every minute of my existence. At thirty I only looked forward and life has gotten better every day since then.

In comment 13001962 BlueLou said:

Quote:

In comment 13001951 buford said: Quote: In comment 13001928 BlueLou said: Quote: In comment 13001837 AP in Halfmoon said: Quote: Aging? AP we found common ground. I stopped reading the OP at "I'm 31..." Me too. The daily grind has you worn down? Well get used to it. You have at least another 30-40 years of it. Meanwhile, AP Blue Lou and I would kill to be 31 again. Enjoy it NOW!!!! Slight refinement dear Buford: I'd bust a nut to have my 31 year old body back, and a lot of the "quietness of mind" the 5 years of MA training earned me, not to mention the ability to learn I had then, but I wouldn't want to be 31! I like being "mature."

True, I'd like to have my 31 year old body back, but with my current mind.

In comment 13001957 CMicks3110 said:

Quote:

I realize that i'm lucky. I'm just sharing what i'm experiencing. Telling me that I shouldn't experience what I am experiencing isn't really helpful. I was asking if anyone else has felt the same way and if it is normal, if more of you were saying I should not feel this way, I was going to consider seeing a counselor about it. I appreciate the volunteering idea, and something I have to look into. I work a lot, so I have to find the time, and I'd prefer to do it during the week as I like my weekends.

I don't think it's necessarily a feeling of nostalgia you're feeling as you stated that your college years weren't something to write home about (no offense). I think it's more a feeling of regret for what could have been now that you know what it could have been like. It's normal. Many people feel the same way with their past if they didn't have greatest of experience but are now in a great position. You can't transplant your current self into your memories of your past.

As others have stated, you're still young (well, I'm only 36 myself) so you haven't really missed out on anything even though spending the weekend with your friends may make you feel that way.

Take up a fun hobby with your wife and reconnect with your friends by setting up weekend getaways. But don't let this fester and end up making your miserable. It was a fun time with old friends, so treat it as a beginning of reconnecting with them.

Are dead

In comment 13002398 Mike in Long Beach said:

Quote:

(I'm 31, too.) But the idea of only seeing my friends once a year is upsetting. I'm also terrified of marriage. The vast majority of marriages that I'm personally around are nonsense, and I just found out one of the fiance in one of the (perceived) good relationships had some extra carricular activity on a busines trip recently. The majority of successful marriages I hear about talk constantly about coping rather than staying in the throes of passion. It's just so unappealing to me, but as another poster said, I don't want to be alone in Bergen County either. My friends will all eventually be locked into marriage and sadly that (and children) is my biggest incentive as of now. I wish I could understand how to enjoy it.

I don't think "locked into a marriage" is the right way to look at it. In today's society, even with kids, you don't need to feel like you're "locked into a marriage." You get married because you want to and leave if it is no longer something you want. I know that is cynical, but the days of pushing through it for the kids seem to be over.

As far as the "throes of passion" that you speak of. I think you (and many of us) mistake the infatuation period with the passionate period in a relationship. While this is my own opinion, for me I feel passionate about my wife in a different way than I did when we were dating. I felt passionate about her because it was exciting to be with someone new and because we were both young and carefree (as stated by many). However, today, I feel passionate about my wife because we understand each other (went through our own rough patches) and because I respect her for the woman, wife, and mother that she is in addition to the physical attraction I have for her. Yes, that sounds hokey, but when I see my wife sitting on the couch with our little ones, what I feel is far stronger than what I felt when we were just dating or newlyweds. That's what I call passion. But that's just me.

What RC said above. I read the Road Less Traveled many years ago. It's mostly about the evolution of love, check it out. You and Anak are probably better off trying to get a date for starters but the book offers good advice when you're ready for it.

I'm gonna take a pass on that marriage thing!

Are gonna date?

In comment 13002867 Route 9 said:

Quote:

I'm gonna take a pass on that marriage thing!

Like anything in life, marriage isn't for everyone and neither are kids. Nothing wrong with that.

I grew up with an unstable family, so having a family was something I always wanted. I had my adventures when I was younger, and I'm more than happy being a typical suburbanite father of two (we even own a minivan...whoa!), who is able to come home and read bedtime stories to my kids every night. We all have our own version of happiness.

There's no way to sugar coat it. You look shittier, you feel shittier, the hangovers are 10x worse, your memory deteriorates, you have way more responsibility (if you're doing things right), and you have to watch people you care about die.

But it's (obviously) unavoidable. So the trick is to actively make the best of it. A partial prescription:

- Family is paramount (assuming you're blessed with a good one). Prioritize them.

- Fucking exercise. There's no excuse not to. Not only because fat people are way more ugly and gross everyone out, but because of heart disease which will kill 5-10 people reading this post.

- Say "yes" when people ask you to do something. Whether it's go to a concert, a ball game, a couple drinks after work, a weekend beach getaway. I love people like this and get fairly quickly disillusioned with those who are always like "eh, don't think I can make it bro" when you know they're just staying at home masturbating and watching TV.

- God help you if you get married to someone you're not truly, 100% into. This is so unbelievably common - esp for women worried about ticking clocks - and then you're just miserable and soon out half your shit.

- Freeze some 25-35 year old sperm. It's about $400/year. Mine is around the corner from Grand Central. You never know when you'll need it. Some tweaker could try to go all Bobbitt on your nuts some night after a Slayer concert. And you shouldn't splatter some poor woman with 45 or 50 year old sperm anyway...look at Autism rates. This is common sense.

- Finally, those of you still in your 20s... listen to me, this is the voice of experience talking. Are you listening? Fuck a lot of women. I got no reason to lie to you, fuck a lotta women. Not just one, a lot. That young stuff is the best stuff in the world... (c. grandpa)

Remember age is not just a number. That's something old people tell themselves as they lament in a dusty mirror their wrinkly face that once made people smile.

Good luck everyone!

Could I circumvent that somehow too??

In comment 13002986 Route 9 said:

Quote:

Could I circumvent that somehow too??

Well...I'm sure the level of your work and the effort you put in probably are akin to not really working at all. So what difference would that make?...heyyooo!!!

All I have to do constantly is turn down work, the $ keeps piling up, I just didn't wanna sound too cocky!

and we had a child about 16 months later. Because of her medical issues and physical separation we didn't have much of the "honeymoon phase" but what little we had of it - steady incomes, in Europe with a car and a lot of down time - we really enjoyed. So I don't find myself nostalgic for college so much as I do for the early part of marriage where we were portable and we saw the world.

I'm 30 right now and just got married a little less than 2 months ago. Arc nailed it when he talked about how much we will miss our 30s when we're in our 40s. We will always be nostalgic. I still reflect on being 9-14 years old and watching those great Knick teams of the 90s. It's just natural to be nostalgic of the past but crucial to enjoy the present.

As for marriage and friends, for me everything kind of just evolves naturally. Lucky for me, my close friends are mostly in relationships and we all get along great.

what I know now. Who doesn't ask that from time to time? In any event, at 31 you know next to nothing, you're just starting to enter a realm of consciousness and you're not really sure what it all means. Subtle changes take place in all of us and unless you take inventory each and every moment of every day it's impossible to quantify but then again who wants to live that way? My advice to you, is to start drinking heavily.

In comment 13003360 Stufftherun said:

Quote:

what I know now. Who doesn't ask that from time to time? In any event, at 31 you know next to nothing, you're just starting to enter a realm of consciousness and you're not really sure what it all means. Subtle changes take place in all of us and unless you take inventory each and every moment of every day it's impossible to quantify but then again who wants to live that way? My advice to you, is to start drinking heavily.

Posts like this make me happy. At 31 I definitely do feel old. It's the first time I've ever really felt old. When I was, say, 27, I still felt like a young man. More mature than a 19 year old, but still in the same bubble.

These days it just feels different, so it's nice to see I'm still in some capacity a young idiot.

were absolutely fantastic. I didn't get married until I was 34 and didn't have kids until age 37. For me, every stage of life has been great but for different reasons. Although I loved my college years, there's no way I would want to go back to that time now. I am not the same person I was 30 years ago (nor do I want to be). I have been blessed with a pretty high happiness set point (genetics surely plays a big role), so I don't think about "going back" to earlier times at all (even though there were some really great times back then). Every decade has been great.

My parents got separated (and eventually divorced) when I was 20 and the majority of my friends growing up either had their parents split really early on or at some point. I would say it's almost rare that a friend or acquaintance has parents that are still together from their original marriage at this point. I think that has a lot to do with why I've never felt much of a "rush" to get married or have children. I'm not against it but it has to make sense for me and feel like it's something I really want because I have no interest in doing those things just because I feel like I'm "supposed" to.

The friends I have who are in long-term/serious relationships or are married/engaged always say they're a little jealous that I can kind of just float around and hang out with whoever I want. Not that they're unhappy, but... there's definitely an aspect of having that freedom that I don't necessarily want to let go of justttttt yet.

so forgive me if I'm repeating something. You sound like you have an affair in your future, to make up for what you've missed. Don't do it.

You can watch sports, go out to the bar and have a few drinks, and flirt with girls (and more) without feeling "all this pressure to perform".

If you are a competitive person (which I assume most on a football website would be), perhaps viewing work as a challenge or a game rather than a "daily grind out" that is killing you would be a more sound approach. It would take the pressure off. From my vantage point, the dudes who viewed their job/profession as a challenge or game, ended up being the most successful. Don't be self-destructive.

are as old as me and wont know anything about anything

6/22/05 something happened I get so nostalgic about that

7/12/05
7/6/10
6/10/12
6/15/15

In comment 13005554 Zebrka said:

Quote:

are as old as me and wont know anything about anything 6/22/05 something happened I get so nostalgic about that 7/12/05 7/6/10 6/10/12 6/15/15

Don't forget the those days when college graduation meant more than some drug addict going clean...damn social media ingrates...amorite?

In comment 13005554 Zebrka said:

Quote:

are as old as me and wont know anything about anything 6/22/05 something happened I get so nostalgic about that 7/12/05 7/6/10 6/10/12 6/15/15

I hope you wore a condom.