The daughter of an old friend of ours is getting married on L.I. this coming weekend. How much is an appropriate gift these days for a retired couple flying to NY for the wedding, lol?
'give me $300 or don't come' I'd gladly decline the invite and probably find a new friend
Once again, another misread post.
Lol everyone is calling you out but we're all the one's with reading comprehension issues. Your wedding must have been a blast. Did you send out itemized bills to all of the lucky guests?
RE: RE: RE: And if i had a friend who got married witht he mindset of
'give me $300 or don't come' I'd gladly decline the invite and probably find a new friend
Once again, another misread post.
Lol everyone is calling you out but we're all the one's with reading comprehension issues. Your wedding must have been a blast. Did you send out itemized bills to all of the lucky guests?
Careful Ned. Not sure how it looks in ATLANTA. but when someone from NY states:
Quote:
I don't think asking how much money my wife's family has given, why my wife and I have separate bank accounts, inviting dead and incarcerated people, making it sound like my wife was going to take the money from the wedding, etc., is warranted no matter how much money he threw in. My rule was just to keep my mouth shut and keep saying I don't know just to avoid issues. When you try to deal with a stubbord Italian from Sicily and a Virgo (control freak) on top of that you just hve to say enough to keep him happy and therefore everybody else happy.
It usually means he wants you believe he's in or know's someone in the mob.
It also means that his wife's family has supported his desire to cover the plate.
To the wedding because of work, why am I still expected to send a gift? Its one thing if it's family or some friend I talk to every day, but every time?
they get to invite people they want. If they're not, they don't.
if your parents are paying, why am I expected to give the cost of the meal to YOU?
never throw a party (especially if it's one you are throwing for yourself) you can't afford to pay for, or make it clear up front that there is a cover charge. you want a big fancy wedding, that's on you.
The gift is unrelated to the cost of the wedding. If you know that the wedding couple is paying for the wedding, it would be generous to give more, but it is not required.
As Matt said, it really is that simple.
Peoples attitudes are all over the place on this, but this is the first time I've heard anyone espouse the nonsense (IMO) of not attending if you don't plan on paying for your meal.
I'm not gonna get into details here, but Robbie you are burying
yourself and come off as a pan handling millennial.
If you as host are expecting to recoup costs because of your own financial considerations you need to work on reducing the plate cost from >$100 to less than. Daytime affair, more modest venue, simpler and less food choices.
Quite often there is a horrendous wasteful over abundance of food at events, so that's a good place to start trimming.
Was it Keowee fan who brought up the old days when a gift was just that, a GIFT!?
In many, many cases just as nice an affair can be held at a fraction of the average cost, because the average cost is bloated by ridiculous, lavish affairs that are in all cases soon forgotten, so far as their lavishness goes.
I had to cover the costs of my own wedding, being ~45 and marrying a divorcee (with a young child) who'd lost her father almost a decade prior. So my wife and I worked hard to keep costs down in several ways but to maintain high quality and invited only about 100 guests (very small by Israeli standards) and with a little help from my dad broke even more or less on EVERYTHING, not merely the plate cost...
But that was ON OUR ACCOUNT, not by relying on the guests to "fork over."
You are so far off base you are clueless here. At least from the older generation's POV.
... in the invitation for anyone who wanted to make a contribution in lieu of a gift. The "no gifts" request was our way of telling the guests that their presence was what we wanted, not their presents.
We were in our thirties and somewhat established, so we could afford to cover the full cost, sort of. The trade-off was no honeymoon, and no costly travel if any kind for several years That was the right way for us, and both families supported our choices.
Our circumstances weren't exactly typical. One small example: my wife made her own dress, based on traditional design motifs from her family's culture. If that sounds like a recipe for embarrassment, it was just the opposite: the dress wound up on a magazine cover, and was featured in a museum exhibit on Scandinavian handicrafts. We also assembled our own centerpieces. Nothing against Vera Wang, or fancy florists, but we enjoyed the projects, and thumbing our noses at expectations.
It helped that we had already gone through a civil service a bit earlier, so we could focus on the reception as a party, with less wedding pressure. Obviously, separating the two events isn't an option in many families, but I recommend it where feasible. It's not as though most brides are virgins anyway, they certainly aren't property, and many couples have already set up a household together. That explodes part of the traditional basis for combining the legal, ceremonial/religious, and festive aspects into one event. For those who consider marriage a holy sacrament, I guess it's harder to divide things.
My point is, every wedding/couple/family is different. For guests who don't have a clear sense of the couple's expectations, a guideline like "try to roughly cover the cost of your plate" is helpful - whether the hosts are expecting to recoup their costs or not. So, coming back to the original question, I think that's a safe, middle-of-the-road rule of thumb for the guests to use if they don't want to be outliers in either direction - high or low. Whether the hosts should expect it is a totally different question.
Bill asked what an appropriate gift was, I don't think he was looking for the sanctimonious crap of "whatever you're comfortable giving" or "the bride and groom just want you to show up, that's the gift" he was asking what the going rate is if you give a cash gift for a wedding on LI.
it's closer to $300 per couple (unless it's some outdoor beach wedding with a grill and a cooler of corona) than the $100 - $150 many of you suggested. If you don't have that to give, obviously give what your comfortable, I don't think Bill in UT needs that advice from anyone here.
no you don't need to cover your plate, no you do not have to give that much if you can't afford it, no you shouldn't skip the wedding if you can't pay that much, but that's pretty much the going rate for weddings in locations such as LI, NYC, and other urban or beach-type locations.
is $300 "appropriate" or is that actually "covering the cost"? I still side with that amount being the latter even though I generally give that amount anyway (which I think is bullshit).
is $300 "appropriate" or is that actually "covering the cost"? I still side with that amount being the latter even though I generally give that amount anyway (which I think is bullshit).
I don't know how any guest should ever be expected to know or care or find out the cost of a wedding or it's relevance. Completely irrelevant IMO.
I just think, based on weddings I've gone to the past couple years, that $300 per couple is appropriate for the settings I described.
A wedding is nice and all but a big purpose of having a wedding is to help the couple get started off on the right foot not waste money on people coming to a party.
Holy shit Robbie. That is just a twisted view. If it's about getting off on the right foot don't spend 25k plus on a wedding. A wedding is a celebration of the commitment two people make to each other witnessed by those they care about. Now if you want to make a wedding a sign of your social status. . . Go for it. Buy don't expect those less fortunate to foot a portion of the bill. And be thankful for whatever gift someone has given you.
AnnapolisMike: I think Robbie's comments are less 'twisted' in context
Holy shit Robbie. That is just a twisted view. If it's about getting off on the right foot don't spend 25k plus on a wedding. A wedding is a celebration of the commitment two people make to each other witnessed by those they care about. Now if you want to make a wedding a sign of your social status. . . Go for it. But don't expect those less fortunate to foot a portion of the bill. And be thankful for whatever gift someone has given you.
Mike - I agree completely, but in many families a truly modest wedding will set off even more conflict than a big one.
The "social status" point is a tough one. Lavish weddings were the province of the nobility, and later of the wealthy, and were an integral part of marriage as a ritual of dynastic merger - whether the dynasties were literal or figurative. Expensive weddings as "princess fantasy" or "the Bride's special day", with little practical function for the families, are largely a marketing phenomenon of the past 60 years. They are to marriage what McMansions are to family homes. The folly is pretty obvious when a middle-class family spends six figures on a wedding, but many decades of brainwashing have gone into making that family believe they have little choice.
but what would be considered a proper gift if you're in the wedding party? My wife and I are in an upcoming wedding and have already shelled out for the hotel, bridesmaid dress, tux and bridal shower gifts. Is $300 still the expectation for a couple? Thanks.
but what would be considered a proper gift if you're in the wedding party? My wife and I are in an upcoming wedding and have already shelled out for the hotel, bridesmaid dress, tux and bridal shower gifts. Is $300 still the expectation for a couple? Thanks.
Don't even get me started on that, biggest sham of it all. Women have it bad. My wife has been a bridesmaid in a few weddings the past couple years and they have to buy their own dress + shoes, pay for their makeup, get a hotel room for the night before, and whatever other expenses I miss THEN pay for the wedding too?
My wife will give less for those weddings she's in, and I think its only right. It isn't just your money but its tons of time devoted as well.
but what would be considered a proper gift if you're in the wedding party? My wife and I are in an upcoming wedding and have already shelled out for the hotel, bridesmaid dress, tux and bridal shower gifts. Is $300 still the expectation for a couple? Thanks.
$200-$400 is reasonable in my experience. An actual gift with some thought put into it would work too. I just got married two weeks ago. The wedding party all did basically $300. I can tell you the bride and groom are just happy for whatever is given. The fun part though is when you later open all the gifts and cards and your aunt who hates you gives $400 but your friend who is a veterinarian and who you gave $200 at their wedding gives $80. My boss didn't attend and gave $300, a friend flew across county and gave $200, a friend attended and re gifted pictures frames from his now ended marriage (divorced after a year). the gift amounts make no sense. Most appeared to try to cover the cost of the reception as best they could with the knowledge they had.
I have never given under $100 a person at a wedding but that's me, I expect people to give what they feel comfortable with.
The idea of a guest covering the cost of their plate isn't exactly foreign, although it is a bit too flawed to be considered much more than a guiding heuristic.
A) Good luck getting most venues to quote you their price, especially considering the variables (time of day, day of week, meal options, etc). The majority of venues, especially those of higher quality, typically like to schedule personal tours of the facility during which they will discuss pricing.
B) The rule of reciprocity applies in many situations. I was among the first few in my group(s) of friends to kick off what's been a revolver of wedding seasons. If a friend gave us $250pp/$200pp/$150pp/$100pp then they are receiving the same amount when they marry. In instances where I gave $150pp or $300 as a couple, we invariably received the same.
C) Gifting varying amounts to different friends could lead to disaster. At this point in our lives, the majority of my close friends reside in a narrow range as it pertains to financial wealth. For me to gift one friend $200pp and the next friend $150pp based upon my perceived valuation of their respective events seems like a recipe for trouble.
D) As a groom I expect the worst (minimal gift) and as a guest I hope to ease the burden of having to put on the wedding, which I think is what Robbie was looking to convey. The wedding should be looked at as a sunk cost from the perspective of the bride & groom, and if they cannot stomach that cost then it's prudent to scale back.
but the going rate for a wedding these days is more like $300 per couple and that's the "lower" end of the scale but appropriate for a friends daughter (as opposed to family).
$300 is generally seen as a nice gift, I think $200 would be light.
Married 2 years ago and have been to my share of weddings. 300 is the average gift to people who aren't your best friends or family. It goes up from there not down
good football poster. His views aren't wrong - they just represent a view that's different from many.
IMO, the idea of lavish weddings paid for on credit is dysfunctional in and of itself. That's on the families that perpetrate that expectation.
My wife and I wanted to get married to be together, but we had no savings/resources. Solution? Simple/nearly free wedding - no reception.
Her parents and ours decided they wanted to have a reception. The reception and all of its details were theirs. We didn't care what/how they wanted to do any of it, and if they had any trouble pulling it off we would have cancelled the reception.
My children have been raised with the same expectation. So far two of my sons have married. I don't think their weddings cost more than $1200 all in. We threw a very modest reception for them, not some lavish affair.
The gifts received were appreciated, but unnecessary.
So I'm coming at it from a different viewpoint than Robbie is. I'm sorry if calling the other perspective dysfunctional is offensive to some.
in the last 3-4 years, but I was giving $300-400 before that. I gave a bit more to couples who were paying for their weddings and/or just didnt have great earning potential. Two big firms lawyers getting married? The $300 wasnt moving the needle.
and kind of unrelated to the OP and the thread intent in general, but since others went there, I will too.
I have yet to meet the woman/young lady who dreamed of a wedding at the courthouse or a reception-less wedding.
I'm not suggesting spending beyond your means, and sure value is an important lesson, but many woman have dreamed of their wedding day since they were little girls.
so the thrifty wedding might be a good choice for some, for other people it's a once-in-a-lifetime day that should be memorable.
at least for me and it's exactly how I wanted it, my wife planned almost everything, and we paid for it ourselves and didn't go into debt for it and didn't care what people gave us as gifts.
I've always heard "cost of your plate" is the guideline, not a rule
It should be what the guest can afford and they feel is appropriate. My wife and I got married at 25. Our wedding was cheap compared to most (especially nowadays), but even then we didn't make back what we spent. Alot of that was b/c our friends were just starting their careers (or their 2nd career) and didn't have that much to spend. Family was generous, but we also invited all my wife's cousins (13 cousins that were all < 20 years old at the time) so in no way did their parents gift cover their cost.
My wife it typically in charge of the gifts. We used to give a little over $200 and double that for especially close friends. Nowadays we usually give at least $300, but that is b/c we are in a good place in our lives and can afford to spend on the newlyweds. Of course, now many of those 13 cousins are getting married so it will be costly few years....
and kind of unrelated to the OP and the thread intent in general, but since others went there, I will too.
I have yet to meet the woman/young lady who dreamed of a wedding at the courthouse or a reception-less wedding.
I'm not suggesting spending beyond your means, and sure value is an important lesson, but many woman have dreamed of their wedding day since they were little girls.
so the thrifty wedding might be a good choice for some, for other people it's a once-in-a-lifetime day that should be memorable.
at least for me and it's exactly how I wanted it, my wife planned almost everything, and we paid for it ourselves and didn't go into debt for it and didn't care what people gave us as gifts.
My wife also dreamed of a beautiful wedding, but once she fell in love with me (broke college student) decided it really wasn't that important to her. We just wanted to be together, and the particulars of the wedding were just that - particulars.
and kind of unrelated to the OP and the thread intent in general, but since others went there, I will too.
I have yet to meet the woman/young lady who dreamed of a wedding at the courthouse or a reception-less wedding.
I'm not suggesting spending beyond your means, and sure value is an important lesson, but many woman have dreamed of their wedding day since they were little girls.
so the thrifty wedding might be a good choice for some, for other people it's a once-in-a-lifetime day that should be memorable.
at least for me and it's exactly how I wanted it, my wife planned almost everything, and we paid for it ourselves and didn't go into debt for it and didn't care what people gave us as gifts.
My wife also dreamed of a beautiful wedding, but once she fell in love with me (broke college student) decided it really wasn't that important to her. We just wanted to be together, and the particulars of the wedding were just that - particulars.
Well I would never have gotten married while in college, I just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment, but my wife expressed similar sentiments about spending money on our wedding when we did get married (late 20's).
that's what good women do, when they know you as a man aren't capable of doing something they make it seem unimportant, but it is and finding a way to make it work makes all the difference. My wife still looks at the album with our wedding pictures (17 years later), my kids look at it and I'm sure it helps them imagine their wedding day.
people still tell me that after all these years it was one of, if not the most, fun weddings they've ever been to.
I wouldn't take that day away from my wife for something like money.
but in your case it made sense you didn't spend money on your wedding and had just as good a time and you raised your kids not to either, if that's what you felt was important and values you wanted to instill in them.
Black tie weddings for example. You want everyone to rent tuxes so they can look the way you want at your wedding? Amazing to me.
And the monster wedding party weddings are tough too, where you've got 8 groomsmen and 8 bridesmaids shelling out all that extra money.
Our parents both contributed a little to our wedding. That was a gift, not a purchased right to invite whoever they wanted. My wife and I paid for the bulk. Opening the gifts is sometimes interesting and some give way less than cost and others more. But we kept our numbers down enough that we never had to question why we invited that person. We invited people that were important to us. People that we wanted to be in our lives.
And to the original poster who was flying in for the wedding, I totally take that into consideration and really appreciate the effort and cost that person makes to come to my special day regardless of the size of the gift.
To those who let their parents dominate their wedding day, I feel bad for you. You're adults. It's time to man up and take control of your life. I'm not saying be rude, and I'm not saying don't invite people your parents want to be there. But this is your wedding and your life. And your parents are treating you like kids. You need to let it be known you've grown up.
has nothing to do with the actual wedding. They weren't dreaming of the actual husband to be, or the life the two of them were going to live together. They were dreaming of a fantasy.
And Robbie wasn't getting beat up unfairly. he espoused an opinion of 'fork over the cost of the meal, or stay home', and then claimed over and over that he wasn't looking to recoup the costs. bellyached that he was forced to invite people his parents wanted (and oh, yeah, they paid for it), and then said fuck yeah, my kid should be invited, because I love being with them - you love him so much, stay home with him and stop forcing him on others. He said multiple times he just said yes to everything, then bellyached about the costs (which were paid for by his parents) and how he didn't get enough in return. IMO, he didn't get beat up enough. That isn't an alternative opinion. It's a spoiled viewpoint.
has nothing to do with the actual wedding. They weren't dreaming of the actual husband to be, or the life the two of them were going to live together. They were dreaming of a fantasy.
And Robbie wasn't getting beat up unfairly. he espoused an opinion of 'fork over the cost of the meal, or stay home', and then claimed over and over that he wasn't looking to recoup the costs. bellyached that he was forced to invite people his parents wanted (and oh, yeah, they paid for it), and then said fuck yeah, my kid should be invited, because I love being with them - you love him so much, stay home with him and stop forcing him on others. He said multiple times he just said yes to everything, then bellyached about the costs (which were paid for by his parents) and how he didn't get enough in return. IMO, he didn't get beat up enough. That isn't an alternative opinion. It's a spoiled viewpoint.
So what? who said they weren't? Not sure your point. I was responding to Dan in the Springs whose approach to wedding gift amounts was pretty much don't have wedding receptions and while all of us men might find that to be an awesome idea, I'm sure most women wouldn't be swept off their feet by the idea.
Bergen County Clerk office and invited no one ( other than 2 required witnesses). Got nothing.
You had to move quickly before the roofie wore off?
In 1986, my future in laws told us we had $10K to spend on the wedding. We took the cash and eloped, spent a week on the beach and applied the rest to the down payment on our first house.
We were living together for 2 years and didn't need anything
I lived in Queens/LI for 47 years and when I went to BAr/Bat Mitzvahs and weddings you usually checked with your friends and decided about what everyone thought appropriate. I assume that practice still exists, but I've been out of that loop for 20 years, so I thought I'd ask you all. In Utah, gifts were generally much smaller- $100 from a couple was considered to be among the better gifts. But most of the receptions were inexpensive- The couple would invite everyone in their church ward, have a long reception line and serve cake and punch. Some appetizers at the fancier ones. Spending $100K for a wedding, like one of my friends in NY did over 10 years ago, was reserved for the Romney's. And to the person who brought it up, staying home was not an option, though I'm hardly close to the bride. Her mom has been a friend for 50 years and assured me my genitals would be gone if I didn't come. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed the lively discussion :) Can I get a sticky?
anyone dreaming about a wedding BEFORE they meet the future spouse isn't dreaming of a couple and a life together. They're dreaming of princess castles. That's the point. the dream has nothing to do with the future spouse, and misses the whole point of a wedding.
If that's her dream, fine. If her parents and some guy, any guy, is willing to go along with it, fine. If I get invited to this fantasy, fine. When they start putting expectations on my contribution to the fantasy, um, no.
I'm sure you could turn your $200 gift into $2000 worth of catered food.
Also, after reading all this it made me realize a wedding would be the perfect time to pass on some fake money. I think most of these bride and grooms tear open the envelopes and just make a pile of all the cash. They would never know who it came from, they might even just go ahead and spend it being none the wiser.
reminds me of my father's wedding. Mom had passed on and he remarried. the guy is loaded (and 80 at the time), so the kids had no intention of giving him cash. we bought them a nice gift.
He opened all the cards and piled up the cash, muttering the whole while about us cheapskates, counted up the whole stack, and grumbled. believe me, people like that know what you gave. they may not know which one you gave, but they know what and who. and if the feds pinch them for passing counterfeit, you're on the short list that they give up.
I'm sure you could turn your $200 gift into $2000 worth of catered food.
Also, after reading all this it made me realize a wedding would be the perfect time to pass on some fake money. I think most of these bride and grooms tear open the envelopes and just make a pile of all the cash. They would never know who it came from, they might even just go ahead and spend it being none the wiser.
I actually did that once (the catering), but was so cheap I didn't even pay the raw ingredients cost!
I made the offer to two old college friends that I would cater their wedding at a rented reception hall near their church in Sausalito CA as their wedding gift provided they covered the raw ingredients cost. I was chef in a prestigious Marin County restaurant at the time, where we made mMichelin starred level international (mostly Nouvelle French) food.
We didn't offer anything hot and not too much cold, either, but all things that could be served +/- at room temperature. I made everything at the restaurant after work for a few nights before the reception.
It was basically the things you'd find at a very upscale French Traiteur's shop. Meat and fish/seafood based terrines, home made gravlax from wild salmon, poached trout, raw and blanched veggies, composed salads, previosly chilled roast veal loins... Home made herbed mayonnaise and aioli and rouille sauces for dipping along with Dijon mustard for the meat pates.
Fresh fruit tarts on short pastry and profiteroles for dessert beside the wedding cake. Small affair, maybe 100-150 people total, but the cost was pretty high considering the kind of raw materials we used: really starred Michelin quality ingredients. Maybe we had a chafing dish to hold warm beurre blanc...
Before the affair my friends though my estimate of $500 for the food cost was high, but afterwards they couldn't thank me and my GF enough for the affair which everyone figured as a $40-50 / head job. At least 5 people asked my GF and I if we could cater their next affair that summer. But we didn't take any offers because it was just too much work.
It wouldn't be turning $200 into $2000 by waving a magic wand.
and reading this thread I'm really really glad. One of the benefits, I suppose, of avoiding having friends and avoiding relatives altogether.
It's somewhat distressing to see how venal the wedding "celebration" process is. But times are different.
My real question is...everyone is talking dollar amounts. Do people just give cash nowadays?
When we got married it was back in the day where people randomly bought gifts and we literally ended up with 4 silver-played tea services (still in the box), 3 wineglass sets (2 still in the box), and a ton of high ball/shot glass packages (never opened). If you gave cash (as a Caucasian) it was because you were too lazy to go shopping. Creativity in gift-giving caused much angst. It was different for my wife and me because most of our guests were ethnic Chinese, so "red envelopes" were the norm.
Then people moved onto registries, right? That actually made the most sense to me.
people in general these days get married much later in life and I think that changes up the approach, they just don't start out life like they did in past eras.
in the 70's for example, men were around 23 and women 21 when they got married.
In 2010 it is 28 and 26 respectively. 5 years is a lot different, even though that are other factors.
That's almost exactly right for my wife and I, we were married in 2009 at 28 and 27. We had lived together for 4 years by that time and accumulated most of the "living stuff" we needed.
Anyway, we still registered and some people did get us gifts off our registry, but it was at best 50/50 cash to gifts, maybe even 70/30 cash to gifts.
and in this day and age no one views cash as lazy, it's almost preferable IMO.
it's like the gift card craze (not for weddings, but in general), to me that used to be lazy, now people almost prefer them to a gift - especially at birthday parties and the holidays.
My youngest had her 8 year old birthday party last Sunday, we had 15 or so 8 year old kids at the house for a pool party, at least 10 of the 15 gave gift cards. and my youngest couldn't be more thrilled.
Registries are great now because you get bonus credit for a lot of the stores. Macy's absolutely crushes with their registry set up. You get to scan whatever you want, track and control the items purchased, and then they give you something like 10%/15% bonus in credit based on the total value of the items bought off of your registry. We got something like $200 credit to Macy's on top of all the gifts that were given.
They also let you exchange/upgrade any item with a 20% discount if it was on your registry (or something to that effect). I'm sure other stores have a similar set up but when it comes to needing stuff for the house, you can't beat the options and benefits of Macy's registry.
back in the day it was considered gauche to give a gift card or cash. the gift card was to soften the gaucheness, because it signaled that at least the giver knew where the receiver liked to shop. (if anyone wants to give me either, give me cash - don't tell me where to shop :)
I got so much useless stuff I didn't really want at my wedding. A wok? really? neither my wife or I ever went for Chinese food, but a friend thought it was a good idea. sold it at a garage sale. An electric can opener? I'm a minimalist and think an electric can opener is for lazy cads. sold it at the garage sale. A matching set of kimonos? because my wife and I were so much into the oriental thing? literally sold them off our backs when we wore them as a 'lark' on the lark street fest (you're old enough and from Albany, so you might remember when the LS fest was a happening event) and some other couple was admiring them.
nowadays, unless it's something special (that you know the couple will cherish as special) that you are making or buying for the couple, just give them cash.
people in general these days get married much later in life and I think that changes up the approach, they just don't start out life like they did in past eras.
in the 70's for example, men were around 23 and women 21 when they got married.
In 2010 it is 28 and 26 respectively. 5 years is a lot different, even though that are other factors.
That's almost exactly right for my wife and I, we were married in 2009 at 28 and 27. We had lived together for 4 years by that time and accumulated most of the "living stuff" we needed.
Anyway, we still registered and some people did get us gifts off our registry, but it was at best 50/50 cash to gifts, maybe even 70/30 cash to gifts.
and in this day and age no one views cash as lazy, it's almost preferable IMO.
it's like the gift card craze (not for weddings, but in general), to me that used to be lazy, now people almost prefer them to a gift - especially at birthday parties and the holidays.
My youngest had her 8 year old birthday party last Sunday, we had 15 or so 8 year old kids at the house for a pool party, at least 10 of the 15 gave gift cards. and my youngest couldn't be more thrilled.
Whoops, I was married in 1999 not 2009. I missed 10 years of marriage it's gone by so fast.
someone gave us a great set of kitchen knives. I got them in the divorce and still use them to this day 30 + years later. I don't know why I've never thought of giving knives as a gift until now, because it was a great gift. a good set of knives is almost literally worth their weight in gold. I've been asked to carve at peoples houses (talk about knowing someone - let's ask the guy with ultra shaky hands to do the carving, or even worse, flip the burgers on the grill) and it sucks to cut with a shitty knife.
I love knives. I actually wanted them as wedding gifts
and was going to ask my brother to give me a set of Henckels or Wustoffs. But my wife was dead set against it...had some kind of Chinese bad luck phobia about giving sharp pointy stuff as a present (there's some kind of wedding night joke in there). Other Chinese things for her, we had to run our wedding date though her dad in advance to make sure that the day number was not an unlucky day, we had to buy a house that did not face in an unlucky direction...some things really try your patience.
RE: I love knives. I actually wanted them as wedding gifts
and was going to ask my brother to give me a set of Henckels or Wustoffs. But my wife was dead set against it...had some kind of Chinese bad luck phobia about giving sharp pointy stuff as a present (there's some kind of wedding night joke in there). Other Chinese things for her, we had to run our wedding date though her dad in advance to make sure that the day number was not an unlucky day, we had to buy a house that did not face in an unlucky direction...some things really try your patience.
My brother in-law married a Chinese woman, I love holidays at their house, home made spring rolls, noodle dishes, authentic (as far as I know) Asian food.
anyway, he was telling about this thing he had to do where he had to "steal the bride" from her house and break in and negotiate for her. and her family "fought" him and he had to keep trying to get past them to where she was locked up and steal her. I forget what is was called and it was sort of staged seemed like paying homage to an old Chinese tradition.
Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?
RE: RE: I love knives. I actually wanted them as wedding gifts
and was going to ask my brother to give me a set of Henckels or Wustoffs. But my wife was dead set against it...had some kind of Chinese bad luck phobia about giving sharp pointy stuff as a present (there's some kind of wedding night joke in there). Other Chinese things for her, we had to run our wedding date though her dad in advance to make sure that the day number was not an unlucky day, we had to buy a house that did not face in an unlucky direction...some things really try your patience.
My brother in-law married a Chinese woman, I love holidays at their house, home made spring rolls, noodle dishes, authentic (as far as I know) Asian food.
anyway, he was telling about this thing he had to do where he had to "steal the bride" from her house and break in and negotiate for her. and her family "fought" him and he had to keep trying to get past them to where she was locked up and steal her. I forget what is was called and it was sort of staged seemed like paying homage to an old Chinese tradition.
Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?
Yes it s a game where the bridesmaids get to "torture" the groom and groomsmen in order to win the bride.
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'give me $300 or don't come' I'd gladly decline the invite and probably find a new friend
Once again, another misread post.
Lol everyone is calling you out but we're all the one's with reading comprehension issues. Your wedding must have been a blast. Did you send out itemized bills to all of the lucky guests?
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In comment 13035965 Ned In Atlanta said:
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'give me $300 or don't come' I'd gladly decline the invite and probably find a new friend
Once again, another misread post.
Lol everyone is calling you out but we're all the one's with reading comprehension issues. Your wedding must have been a blast. Did you send out itemized bills to all of the lucky guests?
Careful Ned. Not sure how it looks in ATLANTA. but when someone from NY states:
It usually means he wants you believe he's in or know's someone in the mob.
It also means that his wife's family has supported his desire to cover the plate.
if your parents are paying, why am I expected to give the cost of the meal to YOU?
never throw a party (especially if it's one you are throwing for yourself) you can't afford to pay for, or make it clear up front that there is a cover charge. you want a big fancy wedding, that's on you.
The gift is unrelated to the cost of the wedding. If you know that the wedding couple is paying for the wedding, it would be generous to give more, but it is not required.
As Matt said, it really is that simple.
Peoples attitudes are all over the place on this, but this is the first time I've heard anyone espouse the nonsense (IMO) of not attending if you don't plan on paying for your meal.
If you as host are expecting to recoup costs because of your own financial considerations you need to work on reducing the plate cost from >$100 to less than. Daytime affair, more modest venue, simpler and less food choices.
Quite often there is a horrendous wasteful over abundance of food at events, so that's a good place to start trimming.
Was it Keowee fan who brought up the old days when a gift was just that, a GIFT!?
In many, many cases just as nice an affair can be held at a fraction of the average cost, because the average cost is bloated by ridiculous, lavish affairs that are in all cases soon forgotten, so far as their lavishness goes.
I had to cover the costs of my own wedding, being ~45 and marrying a divorcee (with a young child) who'd lost her father almost a decade prior. So my wife and I worked hard to keep costs down in several ways but to maintain high quality and invited only about 100 guests (very small by Israeli standards) and with a little help from my dad broke even more or less on EVERYTHING, not merely the plate cost...
But that was ON OUR ACCOUNT, not by relying on the guests to "fork over."
You are so far off base you are clueless here. At least from the older generation's POV.
We were in our thirties and somewhat established, so we could afford to cover the full cost, sort of. The trade-off was no honeymoon, and no costly travel if any kind for several years That was the right way for us, and both families supported our choices.
Our circumstances weren't exactly typical. One small example: my wife made her own dress, based on traditional design motifs from her family's culture. If that sounds like a recipe for embarrassment, it was just the opposite: the dress wound up on a magazine cover, and was featured in a museum exhibit on Scandinavian handicrafts. We also assembled our own centerpieces. Nothing against Vera Wang, or fancy florists, but we enjoyed the projects, and thumbing our noses at expectations.
It helped that we had already gone through a civil service a bit earlier, so we could focus on the reception as a party, with less wedding pressure. Obviously, separating the two events isn't an option in many families, but I recommend it where feasible. It's not as though most brides are virgins anyway, they certainly aren't property, and many couples have already set up a household together. That explodes part of the traditional basis for combining the legal, ceremonial/religious, and festive aspects into one event. For those who consider marriage a holy sacrament, I guess it's harder to divide things.
My point is, every wedding/couple/family is different. For guests who don't have a clear sense of the couple's expectations, a guideline like "try to roughly cover the cost of your plate" is helpful - whether the hosts are expecting to recoup their costs or not. So, coming back to the original question, I think that's a safe, middle-of-the-road rule of thumb for the guests to use if they don't want to be outliers in either direction - high or low. Whether the hosts should expect it is a totally different question.
it's closer to $300 per couple (unless it's some outdoor beach wedding with a grill and a cooler of corona) than the $100 - $150 many of you suggested. If you don't have that to give, obviously give what your comfortable, I don't think Bill in UT needs that advice from anyone here.
no you don't need to cover your plate, no you do not have to give that much if you can't afford it, no you shouldn't skip the wedding if you can't pay that much, but that's pretty much the going rate for weddings in locations such as LI, NYC, and other urban or beach-type locations.
I don't know how any guest should ever be expected to know or care or find out the cost of a wedding or it's relevance. Completely irrelevant IMO.
I just think, based on weddings I've gone to the past couple years, that $300 per couple is appropriate for the settings I described.
I think most people give a gift to get the couple started in a house or as a couple instead of thinking about covering the cost of the reception.
Holy shit Robbie. That is just a twisted view. If it's about getting off on the right foot don't spend 25k plus on a wedding. A wedding is a celebration of the commitment two people make to each other witnessed by those they care about. Now if you want to make a wedding a sign of your social status. . . Go for it. Buy don't expect those less fortunate to foot a portion of the bill. And be thankful for whatever gift someone has given you.
Mike - I agree completely, but in many families a truly modest wedding will set off even more conflict than a big one.
The "social status" point is a tough one. Lavish weddings were the province of the nobility, and later of the wealthy, and were an integral part of marriage as a ritual of dynastic merger - whether the dynasties were literal or figurative. Expensive weddings as "princess fantasy" or "the Bride's special day", with little practical function for the families, are largely a marketing phenomenon of the past 60 years. They are to marriage what McMansions are to family homes. The folly is pretty obvious when a middle-class family spends six figures on a wedding, but many decades of brainwashing have gone into making that family believe they have little choice.
Don't even get me started on that, biggest sham of it all. Women have it bad. My wife has been a bridesmaid in a few weddings the past couple years and they have to buy their own dress + shoes, pay for their makeup, get a hotel room for the night before, and whatever other expenses I miss THEN pay for the wedding too?
My wife will give less for those weddings she's in, and I think its only right. It isn't just your money but its tons of time devoted as well.
$200-$400 is reasonable in my experience. An actual gift with some thought put into it would work too. I just got married two weeks ago. The wedding party all did basically $300. I can tell you the bride and groom are just happy for whatever is given. The fun part though is when you later open all the gifts and cards and your aunt who hates you gives $400 but your friend who is a veterinarian and who you gave $200 at their wedding gives $80. My boss didn't attend and gave $300, a friend flew across county and gave $200, a friend attended and re gifted pictures frames from his now ended marriage (divorced after a year). the gift amounts make no sense. Most appeared to try to cover the cost of the reception as best they could with the knowledge they had.
I have never given under $100 a person at a wedding but that's me, I expect people to give what they feel comfortable with.
A) Good luck getting most venues to quote you their price, especially considering the variables (time of day, day of week, meal options, etc). The majority of venues, especially those of higher quality, typically like to schedule personal tours of the facility during which they will discuss pricing.
B) The rule of reciprocity applies in many situations. I was among the first few in my group(s) of friends to kick off what's been a revolver of wedding seasons. If a friend gave us $250pp/$200pp/$150pp/$100pp then they are receiving the same amount when they marry. In instances where I gave $150pp or $300 as a couple, we invariably received the same.
C) Gifting varying amounts to different friends could lead to disaster. At this point in our lives, the majority of my close friends reside in a narrow range as it pertains to financial wealth. For me to gift one friend $200pp and the next friend $150pp based upon my perceived valuation of their respective events seems like a recipe for trouble.
D) As a groom I expect the worst (minimal gift) and as a guest I hope to ease the burden of having to put on the wedding, which I think is what Robbie was looking to convey. The wedding should be looked at as a sunk cost from the perspective of the bride & groom, and if they cannot stomach that cost then it's prudent to scale back.
$300 is generally seen as a nice gift, I think $200 would be light.
Married 2 years ago and have been to my share of weddings. 300 is the average gift to people who aren't your best friends or family. It goes up from there not down
IMO, the idea of lavish weddings paid for on credit is dysfunctional in and of itself. That's on the families that perpetrate that expectation.
My wife and I wanted to get married to be together, but we had no savings/resources. Solution? Simple/nearly free wedding - no reception.
Her parents and ours decided they wanted to have a reception. The reception and all of its details were theirs. We didn't care what/how they wanted to do any of it, and if they had any trouble pulling it off we would have cancelled the reception.
My children have been raised with the same expectation. So far two of my sons have married. I don't think their weddings cost more than $1200 all in. We threw a very modest reception for them, not some lavish affair.
The gifts received were appreciated, but unnecessary.
So I'm coming at it from a different viewpoint than Robbie is. I'm sorry if calling the other perspective dysfunctional is offensive to some.
I have yet to meet the woman/young lady who dreamed of a wedding at the courthouse or a reception-less wedding.
I'm not suggesting spending beyond your means, and sure value is an important lesson, but many woman have dreamed of their wedding day since they were little girls.
so the thrifty wedding might be a good choice for some, for other people it's a once-in-a-lifetime day that should be memorable.
at least for me and it's exactly how I wanted it, my wife planned almost everything, and we paid for it ourselves and didn't go into debt for it and didn't care what people gave us as gifts.
My wife it typically in charge of the gifts. We used to give a little over $200 and double that for especially close friends. Nowadays we usually give at least $300, but that is b/c we are in a good place in our lives and can afford to spend on the newlyweds. Of course, now many of those 13 cousins are getting married so it will be costly few years....
I have yet to meet the woman/young lady who dreamed of a wedding at the courthouse or a reception-less wedding.
I'm not suggesting spending beyond your means, and sure value is an important lesson, but many woman have dreamed of their wedding day since they were little girls.
so the thrifty wedding might be a good choice for some, for other people it's a once-in-a-lifetime day that should be memorable.
at least for me and it's exactly how I wanted it, my wife planned almost everything, and we paid for it ourselves and didn't go into debt for it and didn't care what people gave us as gifts.
My wife also dreamed of a beautiful wedding, but once she fell in love with me (broke college student) decided it really wasn't that important to her. We just wanted to be together, and the particulars of the wedding were just that - particulars.
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and kind of unrelated to the OP and the thread intent in general, but since others went there, I will too.
I have yet to meet the woman/young lady who dreamed of a wedding at the courthouse or a reception-less wedding.
I'm not suggesting spending beyond your means, and sure value is an important lesson, but many woman have dreamed of their wedding day since they were little girls.
so the thrifty wedding might be a good choice for some, for other people it's a once-in-a-lifetime day that should be memorable.
at least for me and it's exactly how I wanted it, my wife planned almost everything, and we paid for it ourselves and didn't go into debt for it and didn't care what people gave us as gifts.
My wife also dreamed of a beautiful wedding, but once she fell in love with me (broke college student) decided it really wasn't that important to her. We just wanted to be together, and the particulars of the wedding were just that - particulars.
Well I would never have gotten married while in college, I just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment, but my wife expressed similar sentiments about spending money on our wedding when we did get married (late 20's).
that's what good women do, when they know you as a man aren't capable of doing something they make it seem unimportant, but it is and finding a way to make it work makes all the difference. My wife still looks at the album with our wedding pictures (17 years later), my kids look at it and I'm sure it helps them imagine their wedding day.
people still tell me that after all these years it was one of, if not the most, fun weddings they've ever been to.
I wouldn't take that day away from my wife for something like money.
but in your case it made sense you didn't spend money on your wedding and had just as good a time and you raised your kids not to either, if that's what you felt was important and values you wanted to instill in them.
Clearly you didn't marry a Druish Princess...
And the monster wedding party weddings are tough too, where you've got 8 groomsmen and 8 bridesmaids shelling out all that extra money.
Our parents both contributed a little to our wedding. That was a gift, not a purchased right to invite whoever they wanted. My wife and I paid for the bulk. Opening the gifts is sometimes interesting and some give way less than cost and others more. But we kept our numbers down enough that we never had to question why we invited that person. We invited people that were important to us. People that we wanted to be in our lives.
And to the original poster who was flying in for the wedding, I totally take that into consideration and really appreciate the effort and cost that person makes to come to my special day regardless of the size of the gift.
To those who let their parents dominate their wedding day, I feel bad for you. You're adults. It's time to man up and take control of your life. I'm not saying be rude, and I'm not saying don't invite people your parents want to be there. But this is your wedding and your life. And your parents are treating you like kids. You need to let it be known you've grown up.
has nothing to do with the actual wedding. They weren't dreaming of the actual husband to be, or the life the two of them were going to live together. They were dreaming of a fantasy.
And Robbie wasn't getting beat up unfairly. he espoused an opinion of 'fork over the cost of the meal, or stay home', and then claimed over and over that he wasn't looking to recoup the costs. bellyached that he was forced to invite people his parents wanted (and oh, yeah, they paid for it), and then said fuck yeah, my kid should be invited, because I love being with them - you love him so much, stay home with him and stop forcing him on others. He said multiple times he just said yes to everything, then bellyached about the costs (which were paid for by his parents) and how he didn't get enough in return. IMO, he didn't get beat up enough. That isn't an alternative opinion. It's a spoiled viewpoint.
has nothing to do with the actual wedding. They weren't dreaming of the actual husband to be, or the life the two of them were going to live together. They were dreaming of a fantasy.
And Robbie wasn't getting beat up unfairly. he espoused an opinion of 'fork over the cost of the meal, or stay home', and then claimed over and over that he wasn't looking to recoup the costs. bellyached that he was forced to invite people his parents wanted (and oh, yeah, they paid for it), and then said fuck yeah, my kid should be invited, because I love being with them - you love him so much, stay home with him and stop forcing him on others. He said multiple times he just said yes to everything, then bellyached about the costs (which were paid for by his parents) and how he didn't get enough in return. IMO, he didn't get beat up enough. That isn't an alternative opinion. It's a spoiled viewpoint.
So what? who said they weren't? Not sure your point. I was responding to Dan in the Springs whose approach to wedding gift amounts was pretty much don't have wedding receptions and while all of us men might find that to be an awesome idea, I'm sure most women wouldn't be swept off their feet by the idea.
You had to move quickly before the roofie wore off?
In 1986, my future in laws told us we had $10K to spend on the wedding. We took the cash and eloped, spent a week on the beach and applied the rest to the down payment on our first house.
If that's her dream, fine. If her parents and some guy, any guy, is willing to go along with it, fine. If I get invited to this fantasy, fine. When they start putting expectations on my contribution to the fantasy, um, no.
Also, after reading all this it made me realize a wedding would be the perfect time to pass on some fake money. I think most of these bride and grooms tear open the envelopes and just make a pile of all the cash. They would never know who it came from, they might even just go ahead and spend it being none the wiser.
He opened all the cards and piled up the cash, muttering the whole while about us cheapskates, counted up the whole stack, and grumbled. believe me, people like that know what you gave. they may not know which one you gave, but they know what and who. and if the feds pinch them for passing counterfeit, you're on the short list that they give up.
suggest a Ramp/Wedge Combo package
fun for the whole family
Also, after reading all this it made me realize a wedding would be the perfect time to pass on some fake money. I think most of these bride and grooms tear open the envelopes and just make a pile of all the cash. They would never know who it came from, they might even just go ahead and spend it being none the wiser.
I actually did that once (the catering), but was so cheap I didn't even pay the raw ingredients cost!
I made the offer to two old college friends that I would cater their wedding at a rented reception hall near their church in Sausalito CA as their wedding gift provided they covered the raw ingredients cost. I was chef in a prestigious Marin County restaurant at the time, where we made mMichelin starred level international (mostly Nouvelle French) food.
We didn't offer anything hot and not too much cold, either, but all things that could be served +/- at room temperature. I made everything at the restaurant after work for a few nights before the reception.
It was basically the things you'd find at a very upscale French Traiteur's shop. Meat and fish/seafood based terrines, home made gravlax from wild salmon, poached trout, raw and blanched veggies, composed salads, previosly chilled roast veal loins... Home made herbed mayonnaise and aioli and rouille sauces for dipping along with Dijon mustard for the meat pates.
Fresh fruit tarts on short pastry and profiteroles for dessert beside the wedding cake. Small affair, maybe 100-150 people total, but the cost was pretty high considering the kind of raw materials we used: really starred Michelin quality ingredients. Maybe we had a chafing dish to hold warm beurre blanc...
Before the affair my friends though my estimate of $500 for the food cost was high, but afterwards they couldn't thank me and my GF enough for the affair which everyone figured as a $40-50 / head job. At least 5 people asked my GF and I if we could cater their next affair that summer. But we didn't take any offers because it was just too much work.
It's somewhat distressing to see how venal the wedding "celebration" process is. But times are different.
My real question is...everyone is talking dollar amounts. Do people just give cash nowadays?
When we got married it was back in the day where people randomly bought gifts and we literally ended up with 4 silver-played tea services (still in the box), 3 wineglass sets (2 still in the box), and a ton of high ball/shot glass packages (never opened). If you gave cash (as a Caucasian) it was because you were too lazy to go shopping. Creativity in gift-giving caused much angst. It was different for my wife and me because most of our guests were ethnic Chinese, so "red envelopes" were the norm.
Then people moved onto registries, right? That actually made the most sense to me.
But do you just give straight money nowadays?
in the 70's for example, men were around 23 and women 21 when they got married.
In 2010 it is 28 and 26 respectively. 5 years is a lot different, even though that are other factors.
That's almost exactly right for my wife and I, we were married in 2009 at 28 and 27. We had lived together for 4 years by that time and accumulated most of the "living stuff" we needed.
Anyway, we still registered and some people did get us gifts off our registry, but it was at best 50/50 cash to gifts, maybe even 70/30 cash to gifts.
and in this day and age no one views cash as lazy, it's almost preferable IMO.
it's like the gift card craze (not for weddings, but in general), to me that used to be lazy, now people almost prefer them to a gift - especially at birthday parties and the holidays.
My youngest had her 8 year old birthday party last Sunday, we had 15 or so 8 year old kids at the house for a pool party, at least 10 of the 15 gave gift cards. and my youngest couldn't be more thrilled.
Registries are great now because you get bonus credit for a lot of the stores. Macy's absolutely crushes with their registry set up. You get to scan whatever you want, track and control the items purchased, and then they give you something like 10%/15% bonus in credit based on the total value of the items bought off of your registry. We got something like $200 credit to Macy's on top of all the gifts that were given.
They also let you exchange/upgrade any item with a 20% discount if it was on your registry (or something to that effect). I'm sure other stores have a similar set up but when it comes to needing stuff for the house, you can't beat the options and benefits of Macy's registry.
I got so much useless stuff I didn't really want at my wedding. A wok? really? neither my wife or I ever went for Chinese food, but a friend thought it was a good idea. sold it at a garage sale. An electric can opener? I'm a minimalist and think an electric can opener is for lazy cads. sold it at the garage sale. A matching set of kimonos? because my wife and I were so much into the oriental thing? literally sold them off our backs when we wore them as a 'lark' on the lark street fest (you're old enough and from Albany, so you might remember when the LS fest was a happening event) and some other couple was admiring them.
nowadays, unless it's something special (that you know the couple will cherish as special) that you are making or buying for the couple, just give them cash.
in the 70's for example, men were around 23 and women 21 when they got married.
In 2010 it is 28 and 26 respectively. 5 years is a lot different, even though that are other factors.
That's almost exactly right for my wife and I, we were married in 2009 at 28 and 27. We had lived together for 4 years by that time and accumulated most of the "living stuff" we needed.
Anyway, we still registered and some people did get us gifts off our registry, but it was at best 50/50 cash to gifts, maybe even 70/30 cash to gifts.
and in this day and age no one views cash as lazy, it's almost preferable IMO.
it's like the gift card craze (not for weddings, but in general), to me that used to be lazy, now people almost prefer them to a gift - especially at birthday parties and the holidays.
My youngest had her 8 year old birthday party last Sunday, we had 15 or so 8 year old kids at the house for a pool party, at least 10 of the 15 gave gift cards. and my youngest couldn't be more thrilled.
Whoops, I was married in 1999 not 2009. I missed 10 years of marriage it's gone by so fast.
My brother in-law married a Chinese woman, I love holidays at their house, home made spring rolls, noodle dishes, authentic (as far as I know) Asian food.
anyway, he was telling about this thing he had to do where he had to "steal the bride" from her house and break in and negotiate for her. and her family "fought" him and he had to keep trying to get past them to where she was locked up and steal her. I forget what is was called and it was sort of staged seemed like paying homage to an old Chinese tradition.
Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?
Quote:
and was going to ask my brother to give me a set of Henckels or Wustoffs. But my wife was dead set against it...had some kind of Chinese bad luck phobia about giving sharp pointy stuff as a present (there's some kind of wedding night joke in there). Other Chinese things for her, we had to run our wedding date though her dad in advance to make sure that the day number was not an unlucky day, we had to buy a house that did not face in an unlucky direction...some things really try your patience.
My brother in-law married a Chinese woman, I love holidays at their house, home made spring rolls, noodle dishes, authentic (as far as I know) Asian food.
anyway, he was telling about this thing he had to do where he had to "steal the bride" from her house and break in and negotiate for her. and her family "fought" him and he had to keep trying to get past them to where she was locked up and steal her. I forget what is was called and it was sort of staged seemed like paying homage to an old Chinese tradition.
Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?
Yes it s a game where the bridesmaids get to "torture" the groom and groomsmen in order to win the bride.