The daughter of an old friend of ours is getting married on L.I. this coming weekend. How much is an appropriate gift these days for a retired couple flying to NY for the wedding, lol?
everybody is entitled to their own opinions on how much to give. But, I hope you can at least understand where I am coming from where I never want to be a financial burden on a couple getting married. I always remember what it was like for my brother and myself. So, posters on here can say I am out of my mind or twist things around like that I expect people to pay me at my wedding. It isn't that at all. It is just me attending a wedding that I , personally, would like to cover the cost of the food I am eating and add a little more. It isn't that I take money away for a lesser wedding. That is all. It wasn't supposed to be so negative.
and so thankful for it. No family BS, no opinions, no stress. Had an awesome wedding, got gifts from both ends of he spectrum, and all we cared about was people having a good time.
if someone is going to get married at a place that's $200 a head, I think it's wildly unrealistic to expect that in return from your guests, and not necessary. We got all sorts of gift ranges and we're just happy to get whatever people can afford.
When someone has a $100k wedding it should not be on the guests to cover those costs.
Did I say that? Way to put words in my mouth. I said if a person can't cover the plate then they probably shouldn't go. I didn't say I expected everybody to pay that plate. I am talking about the viewpoint of the person attending. Nice try though. I wasn't expecting people to pay for the DJ, flowers, photo booth, limo, wedding service, etc. However, people are eating the food. To me, common courtesy is to cover the plate. If I cannot do that then I am not going but I will give the couple a gift in the mail.
If that is how you feel then you shouldn't have invited them. You don't invite people to your wedding based on their ability to pay you back. You invite people you (or your parents) want to share the joyous occasion with.
If only is was that simple. I agree that is how it should be. But that is not how things work out. This isn't a perfect world. Seek first to understand then to be understood.
IT is that simple. You invite people you want there, or who your parents want there. They are your guests and they give a gift based on what they are comfortable with, can afford, and think is appropriate. Period.
Oh, it is that simple? My list consisted over 330 people and about half of that was what my wife and I wanted. Try finding a place that holds a shitload of people. I had to not invite guests that I wanted so that my family could have people there that I didn't even know just to avoid the fighting that was occurring and to try and make it a memorable day. It is really enjoyable when others get involved. It is easy to say it is your wedding so what you say goes. Yry walking in someone else's shoes. Your sitiation does not pertain to everybody. Consider yourself lucky to be in the situation you are in but stop trying to pretend that everything is simple and all rainbows.
I didn't say anyone else's situation is rainbows, easy, etc.
If you are paying, you make an affair you can afford. If you can't afford to have 330 people, then you don't invite them. We invited people we didn't know and had to leave off people because of budget, size of venue, etc. The point is, the people that were invited were invited because we or our parents wanted them there. That is what is simple. They are guests, not paying customers and not there for the hosts to recoup their money.
Once again, I never said I wanted my wedding to recoup money. There are two different viewpoints that you aren't understanding. I have a different mentality as an attendee. You say just invite the people that your family wants, right? I keep saying it is not that simple. My brother got married awhile ago. My parents and his fiancé's parents were splitting the bill. My brother's side had at least twice as many guests as her side. They were supposed to split the money evenly. My brother didn't think it was fair. My dad threw in more money. Then his fiancé wanted a band and not a DJ. Her dad ran out of money and came to my dad asking to borrow money. Long story short is that there was a big argument. The two sides didn't really talk after that. It put a lot of strain on the marriage and eventually it ended.
I saw all this happen amd I wasn't going to let that happen. When things got tough for us with all the people being invited all costs went up. Centerpieces, invitations, flowers, plates of food, etc. My wife's family doesn't have a lot of money. My dad kept asking us how much are they throwing in. He says it was just to know how much he had to lay out. I told him it was none of his business and we aren't keeping track. That started a huge argument. My wife and I basically covered a good portion of her family to cover what my dad was putting in just to avoid issues so we didn't have any strain on our marriage amd especially when we started having kids. It worked but put a lot of stress on us financially.
Our wedding wasn't looked at as a way to make money but it isn't as simple as invite who you want amd who your family wants and find the perfect place. There were limited places we could look at based on the amount of people we were inviting. Thank God we had a lot of cancelations.
I can relate to a lot of that. My family had nothing to offer. My mother was crude and tactless and said as much, but that she expected a say. I basically told her to shut the F up. Then when she realized there were still people she wanted to invite but we are already at the cap for our space she said she would pay for the extra guests. That's when I lost my shit on her. First of all, how are you paying? If you have the money to pay, then you should have been paying all along. Second, it was clearly explained to them that we had a limit based on the space we wanted. Only so many people could be accommodated. And on and on. Well, these are people that already stole money from me, among other things, so the road to no longer speaking to them was being paved. This certainly didn't help.
everybody is entitled to their own opinions on how much to give. But, I hope you can at least understand where I am coming from where I never want to be a financial burden on a couple getting married. I always remember what it was like for my brother and myself. So, posters on here can say I am out of my mind or twist things around like that I expect people to pay me at my wedding. It isn't that at all. It is just me attending a wedding that I , personally, would like to cover the cost of the food I am eating and add a little more. It isn't that I take money away for a lesser wedding. That is all. It wasn't supposed to be so negative.
As a guest, that should never even cross your mind. A guest should have nothing but the notion they were invited because they are wanted there. It is not up to them to decide whether or not they are a financial burden to the couple and that is not the basis for a gift.
RE: If certain family members insist upon managing the guest list,. Â
My wife's nephew got married and they spent a lot on the wedding. Her side has money. I have three kids who were invited. I'm supposed to give 750-1000 dollars to attend. I'm sorry I can't afford that plus the cloths, hotels, etc. Should I have said 'No, we can't attend? That is such bullshit.
I gave what we could. The couple being good people accepted it and thanked us.
When my wife and I were married, we paid for the wedding. We did NOT look at the gifts from a monetary standpoint.
I get what you are saying and understand it. I am finding more and more that kids are not being invited to weddings and I think that money is a big issue. I have been invited to numerous wedding over the last year or so and every one of them said no kids allowed. I asked why not and they said I will enjoy myself more. What? I don't need someone else telling me how to enjoy myself. I love my son amd love being around him. He makes me extremely happy. I have more fun with him than stressing over who is going to watch him.
That sounds like a shitty situation for you. Sounds like it was "our marriage, their wedding." It's a shame that parents had to hijack it and the guest list.
I just had a friend's wedding yesterday. They kept it low key and at their house. I gave lower than my usual $300 since it was a house party with no DJ or band. They did do a nice job with food and had servers.
My experience - I had a 390 person wedding. And 2 jackass families of doctors who went were cheap cunts gave 50 bucks for their 4 person families. And other people in medical school or guys starting their careers making like 40K a year dropped 300. It was all over the place.
RE: RE: If certain family members insist upon managing the guest list,. Â
Borrowing money from the groom's father because the bride has more expensive taste than what's practical? Wow, that sounds like a disaster. The traditional narrative is that the bride's family pays for the wedding so I'd consider any financial support from the groom's side to be generous.
RE: RE: The notion you have to cover comes from greed. Â
My wife's nephew got married and they spent a lot on the wedding. Her side has money. I have three kids who were invited. I'm supposed to give 750-1000 dollars to attend. I'm sorry I can't afford that plus the cloths, hotels, etc. Should I have said 'No, we can't attend? That is such bullshit.
I gave what we could. The couple being good people accepted it and thanked us.
When my wife and I were married, we paid for the wedding. We did NOT look at the gifts from a monetary standpoint.
I get what you are saying and understand it. I am finding more and more that kids are not being invited to weddings and I think that money is a big issue. I have been invited to numerous wedding over the last year or so and every one of them said no kids allowed. I asked why not and they said I will enjoy myself more. What? I don't need someone else telling me how to enjoy myself. I love my son amd love being around him. He makes me extremely happy. I have more fun with him than stressing over who is going to watch him.
I understand both sides of this. I don't begrudge anyone that either doesn't want to pay for my kids at their affair, doesn't want kids at their affair, doesn't want my kids specifically at their affair, etc. On the other hand, I also agree with your comment about not telling you how to enjoy yourself. That is a passive aggressive response they gave you. We have been put in that situation and for some people we ended up going and others, we decided not to go. It was going to cost us way to much for a sitter, etc. and we also didn't want to leave small kids for so many hours. And we were fine with that also.
RE: RE: RE: If certain family members insist upon managing the guest list,. Â
then they better be contributing significantly to the financing of the event.
100%.
He did but I still don't think it gives him the right to do a lot of the stuff he did.
I'm not so sure. If he was paying or paying a significant portion, then he has a reasonable expectation to dictate details unless you had some other understanding.
everybody is entitled to their own opinions on how much to give. But, I hope you can at least understand where I am coming from where I never want to be a financial burden on a couple getting married. I always remember what it was like for my brother and myself. So, posters on here can say I am out of my mind or twist things around like that I expect people to pay me at my wedding. It isn't that at all. It is just me attending a wedding that I , personally, would like to cover the cost of the food I am eating and add a little more. It isn't that I take money away for a lesser wedding. That is all. It wasn't supposed to be so negative.
That is well and good. And good for you that you do so.
But the point is this. Not everyone is in the same income bracket as the bride and groom. If a couple host an elaborate and expensive wedding, great. Kudos to them they can afford it. But people attending should not feel obligated to gift in that manner. Simpy because they can'y afford it.
Plus your statement
Quote:
Like I said, the best thing to do is call up the place and find out what they charge per head with taxes. pj is about right with $300 per couple being on the lower end but acceptable for a couple flying in from Florida.
from 8:05 definitely made it sound like you believed people should cover. Especially when you also stated that
Quote:
A wedding is nice and all but a big purpose of having a wedding is to help the couple get started off on the right foot not waste money on people coming to a party
Borrowing money from the groom's father because the bride has more expensive taste than what's practical? Wow, that sounds like a disaster. The traditional narrative is that the bride's family pays for the wedding so I'd consider any financial support from the groom's side to be generous.
That may be the traditional narrative, but it is becoming less and less common and probably rightfully so.
everybody is entitled to their own opinions on how much to give. But, I hope you can at least understand where I am coming from where I never want to be a financial burden on a couple getting married. I always remember what it was like for my brother and myself. So, posters on here can say I am out of my mind or twist things around like that I expect people to pay me at my wedding. It isn't that at all. It is just me attending a wedding that I , personally, would like to cover the cost of the food I am eating and add a little more. It isn't that I take money away for a lesser wedding. That is all. It wasn't supposed to be so negative.
As a guest, that should never even cross your mind. A guest should have nothing but the notion they were invited because they are wanted there. It is not up to them to decide whether or not they are a financial burden to the couple and that is not the basis for a gift.
We learn from our experiences. I am not saying you are wrong. I kind of agree with you but if I can help them out financially then I will do so. I just view it differently than most, I guess. But, then again, I am not thinking about the best case scenario where everybody is as easygoing as you. I am looking at it from the worst case scenario. Times are tough now for a lot of people and it is all relative. Not everybody knows how to budget their money and some may know how but be stuck in situations like I was in.
Quick somewhat related story. My wife and I got approved for a loan on a house. We got approved for $500,000. We were very excited as we could get an amazing house for that price. Then I started crunching the numbers. I am a math guy. When I got done going over all of our expenses and possible monthly payments there was no way in hell we could havd afforded that loan. I am good with budgeting so I know my limitations. I know a lot of people arent amd you get approved for that loan you think you can afford it. There are more and more foreclosures out by me not because people are bad or stupid but just because this is the world we live in now. The American dream used to be getting your own house and having a stay at home wife raising your kids. How many families have that anymore? And the ones that do seem to be very stressed.
It isn't just the cost of the wedding. It is all my experiences that go into the way I think. Is it right? Who know? I just don't see how it is wrong though. I don't think everybody should have the same mentality as me. Everybody is entitled to their own. There are many different answers on here. Nobody is right, nobody is really wrong.
Weddings are also an event that is easy to Monday Morning QB... Â
until you're actually thrust into the situation and can appreciate the intricacies, stresses, and associated nuances that go into the experience.
I give $150pp because I'm not interested in analyzing the venue, date, time, cost of living in the area, inflation, sources of parental financing, quality of photo booth, band or DJ, flower arrangements, etc to come up with a number that pays for my cost of attendance along with a bit more to set the couple off right...which of course would have to be applied at a proportionate rate to every other wedding attended (and I'm sure that my additional $20 will not make or break the newly minted couple getting their mortgage approved).
I'm almost through the slate of what will be nine or ten 2016 weddings and hopefully the pace starts to die down in coming years.
RE: RE: RE: The notion you have to cover comes from greed. Â
My wife's nephew got married and they spent a lot on the wedding. Her side has money. I have three kids who were invited. I'm supposed to give 750-1000 dollars to attend. I'm sorry I can't afford that plus the cloths, hotels, etc. Should I have said 'No, we can't attend? That is such bullshit.
I gave what we could. The couple being good people accepted it and thanked us.
When my wife and I were married, we paid for the wedding. We did NOT look at the gifts from a monetary standpoint.
I get what you are saying and understand it. I am finding more and more that kids are not being invited to weddings and I think that money is a big issue. I have been invited to numerous wedding over the last year or so and every one of them said no kids allowed. I asked why not and they said I will enjoy myself more. What? I don't need someone else telling me how to enjoy myself. I love my son amd love being around him. He makes me extremely happy. I have more fun with him than stressing over who is going to watch him.
I understand both sides of this. I don't begrudge anyone that either doesn't want to pay for my kids at their affair, doesn't want kids at their affair, doesn't want my kids specifically at their affair, etc. On the other hand, I also agree with your comment about not telling you how to enjoy yourself. That is a passive aggressive response they gave you. We have been put in that situation and for some people we ended up going and others, we decided not to go. It was going to cost us way to much for a sitter, etc. and we also didn't want to leave small kids for so many hours. And we were fine with that also.
My kids were 15 to 20 years old at the time. And the groom was a first cousin who explicitly stated he wanted them to attend. They could not realistically contribute. First class move on the grooms part. He knew we could not pay 5 covers.
Borrowing money from the groom's father because the bride has more expensive taste than what's practical? Wow, that sounds like a disaster. The traditional narrative is that the bride's family pays for the wedding so I'd consider any financial support from the groom's side to be generous.
That may be the traditional narrative, but it is becoming less and less common and probably rightfully so.
As the father of an infant daughter (honeymoon baby, ironically)...from your mouth to God's ears.
RE: RE: RE: RE: If certain family members insist upon managing the guest list,. Â
then they better be contributing significantly to the financing of the event.
100%.
He did but I still don't think it gives him the right to do a lot of the stuff he did.
I'm not so sure. If he was paying or paying a significant portion, then he has a reasonable expectation to dictate details unless you had some other understanding.
I don't think asking how much money my wife's family has given, why my wife and I have separate bank accounts, inviting dead and incarcerated people, making it sound like my wife was going to take the money from the wedding, etc., is warranted no matter how much money he threw in. My rule was just to keep my mouth shut and keep saying I don't know just to avoid issues. When you try to deal with a stubbord Italian from Sicily and a Virgo (control freak) on top of that you just hve to say enough to keep him happy and therefore everybody else happy.
everybody is entitled to their own opinions on how much to give. But, I hope you can at least understand where I am coming from where I never want to be a financial burden on a couple getting married. I always remember what it was like for my brother and myself. So, posters on here can say I am out of my mind or twist things around like that I expect people to pay me at my wedding. It isn't that at all. It is just me attending a wedding that I , personally, would like to cover the cost of the food I am eating and add a little more. It isn't that I take money away for a lesser wedding. That is all. It wasn't supposed to be so negative.
As a guest, that should never even cross your mind. A guest should have nothing but the notion they were invited because they are wanted there. It is not up to them to decide whether or not they are a financial burden to the couple and that is not the basis for a gift.
We learn from our experiences. I am not saying you are wrong. I kind of agree with you but if I can help them out financially then I will do so. I just view it differently than most, I guess. But, then again, I am not thinking about the best case scenario where everybody is as easygoing as you. I am looking at it from the worst case scenario. Times are tough now for a lot of people and it is all relative. Not everybody knows how to budget their money and some may know how but be stuck in situations like I was in.
Quick somewhat related story. My wife and I got approved for a loan on a house. We got approved for $500,000. We were very excited as we could get an amazing house for that price. Then I started crunching the numbers. I am a math guy. When I got done going over all of our expenses and possible monthly payments there was no way in hell we could havd afforded that loan. I am good with budgeting so I know my limitations. I know a lot of people arent amd you get approved for that loan you think you can afford it. There are more and more foreclosures out by me not because people are bad or stupid but just because this is the world we live in now. The American dream used to be getting your own house and having a stay at home wife raising your kids. How many families have that anymore? And the ones that do seem to be very stressed.
It isn't just the cost of the wedding. It is all my experiences that go into the way I think. Is it right? Who know? I just don't see how it is wrong though. I don't think everybody should have the same mentality as me. Everybody is entitled to their own. There are many different answers on here. Nobody is right, nobody is really wrong.
I don't understand the link between the cost of a wedding,wedding gifts and a mortgage. If people cannot afford a big wedding without the hope of payback, they should downsize their plans. It may not be fun, but it is the adult decision. Please don't suggest that me giving less than the cost would lead the bride and groom to a foreclosure.
everybody is entitled to their own opinions on how much to give. But, I hope you can at least understand where I am coming from where I never want to be a financial burden on a couple getting married. I always remember what it was like for my brother and myself. So, posters on here can say I am out of my mind or twist things around like that I expect people to pay me at my wedding. It isn't that at all. It is just me attending a wedding that I , personally, would like to cover the cost of the food I am eating and add a little more. It isn't that I take money away for a lesser wedding. That is all. It wasn't supposed to be so negative.
That is well and good. And good for you that you do so.
But the point is this. Not everyone is in the same income bracket as the bride and groom. If a couple host an elaborate and expensive wedding, great. Kudos to them they can afford it. But people attending should not feel obligated to gift in that manner. Simpy because they can'y afford it.
Plus your statement
Quote:
Like I said, the best thing to do is call up the place and find out what they charge per head with taxes. pj is about right with $300 per couple being on the lower end but acceptable for a couple flying in from Florida.
from 8:05 definitely made it sound like you believed people should cover. Especially when you also stated that
Quote:
A wedding is nice and all but a big purpose of having a wedding is to help the couple get started off on the right foot not waste money on people coming to a party
I said that post came off wrong. I am talking about my beliefs but didn't clearly say that and it sounds like everybody should do that.
that you should cover the cost of your plate at a wedding is absurd an yet somehow has occupied the minds of many wedding goers.
First, you have no idea how much the couple is spending per-plate at a wedding. But more obviously, weddings are neither for-profit enterprises nor are they meant to be guest-subsidized. They are parties to celebrate a marriage and gifts are meant to help couples star their lives together.
Someone throwing an opulent wedding at a huge cost is doing so because they want to. The idea that it returns a nicer gift is ridiculous. Sure, there are different rules of etiquette guiding how much to give. But it varies on culture (location of wedding), closeness to the couple, and whether there are other circumstances (additional travel costs to attend).
I went to a wedding yesterday evening. It was my niece. Â
I'm not sure what the cost of the wedding was (yes we're on long island). I have 4 kids, all girls. Between dresses, shoes, hair, nails, gift, I probably spent around $1.5k.
Weddings in the Northeast differ a lot from other places. Massive ballroom style affairs. I really dislike it, always have.
everybody is entitled to their own opinions on how much to give. But, I hope you can at least understand where I am coming from where I never want to be a financial burden on a couple getting married. I always remember what it was like for my brother and myself. So, posters on here can say I am out of my mind or twist things around like that I expect people to pay me at my wedding. It isn't that at all. It is just me attending a wedding that I , personally, would like to cover the cost of the food I am eating and add a little more. It isn't that I take money away for a lesser wedding. That is all. It wasn't supposed to be so negative.
That is well and good. And good for you that you do so.
But the point is this. Not everyone is in the same income bracket as the bride and groom. If a couple host an elaborate and expensive wedding, great. Kudos to them they can afford it. But people attending should not feel obligated to gift in that manner. Simpy because they can'y afford it.
Plus your statement
Quote:
Like I said, the best thing to do is call up the place and find out what they charge per head with taxes. pj is about right with $300 per couple being on the lower end but acceptable for a couple flying in from Florida.
from 8:05 definitely made it sound like you believed people should cover. Especially when you also stated that
Quote:
A wedding is nice and all but a big purpose of having a wedding is to help the couple get started off on the right foot not waste money on people coming to a party
I said that post came off wrong. I am talking about my beliefs but didn't clearly say that and it sounds like everybody should do that.
So what are those beliefs? Is it acceptable to gift a sum less than the cost of the wedding based on means? Or did my wife and I freeload of her nephew?
Apologies for the bluntness but you struck a nerve. I think it's great you can afford a $500,000 dollar house (according to the bank). But does that make me less?
does seem a bit backwards. Chances are that the couple that would need the most "financial assistance" would be more likely to have a cheaper wedding than the couple that is already well-off.
It doesn't really make sense to give a bigger gift to the couple that can front the cost of a $200 per plate wedding compared to a couple that could only afford a $50 per plate wedding if the idea of the gift is to provide support.
RE: RE: Vogue says $100-150.for an area like LI is acceptable Â
No offense but $100 per person is cheap. That will not even cover the cost of the plate at a lot of places. The best thing to do is call up the place and find out what they charge per head and then plan accordingly. Saturday nights are the most expensive. Nights are more expensive than day weddings.
I recently just had my wedding at Land's End in Sayville which is a very nice place. It was about $150 per head before taxes and it ended up about $200 per head. I can say that is was easily the best cocktail hour I have ever been to. They had an insane amount of food.
We just went to a wedding last night that was fucking awful. There basically was no cocktail hour.
Any event planner who allows a restaurant or hall to divulge the cost of the plate should be fired on spot! Never, ever should that happen. If I were the owner, I might have them killed.
Not to be dramamtic, but each deal made is sacred. Bride's mothers can squeeze you dry...why in God's name should you share that?!.
I'm still at a loss for why I still have to "give a gift" of invited and can't go. Why am I paying so that you can get married? I don't get it at all and feel like Mr. pink all the time.
RE: RE: And if i had a friend who got married witht he mindset of Â
'give me $300 or don't come' I'd gladly decline the invite and probably find a new friend
Once again, another misread post.
Lol everyone is calling you out but we're all the one's with reading comprehension issues. Your wedding must have been a blast. Did you send out itemized bills to all of the lucky guests?
RE: RE: RE: And if i had a friend who got married witht he mindset of Â
'give me $300 or don't come' I'd gladly decline the invite and probably find a new friend
Once again, another misread post.
Lol everyone is calling you out but we're all the one's with reading comprehension issues. Your wedding must have been a blast. Did you send out itemized bills to all of the lucky guests?
Careful Ned. Not sure how it looks in ATLANTA. but when someone from NY states:
Quote:
I don't think asking how much money my wife's family has given, why my wife and I have separate bank accounts, inviting dead and incarcerated people, making it sound like my wife was going to take the money from the wedding, etc., is warranted no matter how much money he threw in. My rule was just to keep my mouth shut and keep saying I don't know just to avoid issues. When you try to deal with a stubbord Italian from Sicily and a Virgo (control freak) on top of that you just hve to say enough to keep him happy and therefore everybody else happy.
It usually means he wants you believe he's in or know's someone in the mob.
It also means that his wife's family has supported his desire to cover the plate.
To the wedding because of work, why am I still expected to send a gift? Its one thing if it's family or some friend I talk to every day, but every time?
they get to invite people they want. If they're not, they don't.
if your parents are paying, why am I expected to give the cost of the meal to YOU?
never throw a party (especially if it's one you are throwing for yourself) you can't afford to pay for, or make it clear up front that there is a cover charge. you want a big fancy wedding, that's on you.
The gift is unrelated to the cost of the wedding. If you know that the wedding couple is paying for the wedding, it would be generous to give more, but it is not required.
As Matt said, it really is that simple.
Peoples attitudes are all over the place on this, but this is the first time I've heard anyone espouse the nonsense (IMO) of not attending if you don't plan on paying for your meal.
I'm not gonna get into details here, but Robbie you are burying Â
yourself and come off as a pan handling millennial.
If you as host are expecting to recoup costs because of your own financial considerations you need to work on reducing the plate cost from >$100 to less than. Daytime affair, more modest venue, simpler and less food choices.
Quite often there is a horrendous wasteful over abundance of food at events, so that's a good place to start trimming.
Was it Keowee fan who brought up the old days when a gift was just that, a GIFT!?
In many, many cases just as nice an affair can be held at a fraction of the average cost, because the average cost is bloated by ridiculous, lavish affairs that are in all cases soon forgotten, so far as their lavishness goes.
I had to cover the costs of my own wedding, being ~45 and marrying a divorcee (with a young child) who'd lost her father almost a decade prior. So my wife and I worked hard to keep costs down in several ways but to maintain high quality and invited only about 100 guests (very small by Israeli standards) and with a little help from my dad broke even more or less on EVERYTHING, not merely the plate cost...
But that was ON OUR ACCOUNT, not by relying on the guests to "fork over."
You are so far off base you are clueless here. At least from the older generation's POV.
... in the invitation for anyone who wanted to make a contribution in lieu of a gift. The "no gifts" request was our way of telling the guests that their presence was what we wanted, not their presents.
We were in our thirties and somewhat established, so we could afford to cover the full cost, sort of. The trade-off was no honeymoon, and no costly travel if any kind for several years That was the right way for us, and both families supported our choices.
Our circumstances weren't exactly typical. One small example: my wife made her own dress, based on traditional design motifs from her family's culture. If that sounds like a recipe for embarrassment, it was just the opposite: the dress wound up on a magazine cover, and was featured in a museum exhibit on Scandinavian handicrafts. We also assembled our own centerpieces. Nothing against Vera Wang, or fancy florists, but we enjoyed the projects, and thumbing our noses at expectations.
It helped that we had already gone through a civil service a bit earlier, so we could focus on the reception as a party, with less wedding pressure. Obviously, separating the two events isn't an option in many families, but I recommend it where feasible. It's not as though most brides are virgins anyway, they certainly aren't property, and many couples have already set up a household together. That explodes part of the traditional basis for combining the legal, ceremonial/religious, and festive aspects into one event. For those who consider marriage a holy sacrament, I guess it's harder to divide things.
My point is, every wedding/couple/family is different. For guests who don't have a clear sense of the couple's expectations, a guideline like "try to roughly cover the cost of your plate" is helpful - whether the hosts are expecting to recoup their costs or not. So, coming back to the original question, I think that's a safe, middle-of-the-road rule of thumb for the guests to use if they don't want to be outliers in either direction - high or low. Whether the hosts should expect it is a totally different question.
Bill asked what an appropriate gift was, I don't think he was looking for the sanctimonious crap of "whatever you're comfortable giving" or "the bride and groom just want you to show up, that's the gift" he was asking what the going rate is if you give a cash gift for a wedding on LI.
it's closer to $300 per couple (unless it's some outdoor beach wedding with a grill and a cooler of corona) than the $100 - $150 many of you suggested. If you don't have that to give, obviously give what your comfortable, I don't think Bill in UT needs that advice from anyone here.
no you don't need to cover your plate, no you do not have to give that much if you can't afford it, no you shouldn't skip the wedding if you can't pay that much, but that's pretty much the going rate for weddings in locations such as LI, NYC, and other urban or beach-type locations.
is $300 "appropriate" or is that actually "covering the cost"? I still side with that amount being the latter even though I generally give that amount anyway (which I think is bullshit).
is $300 "appropriate" or is that actually "covering the cost"? I still side with that amount being the latter even though I generally give that amount anyway (which I think is bullshit).
I don't know how any guest should ever be expected to know or care or find out the cost of a wedding or it's relevance. Completely irrelevant IMO.
I just think, based on weddings I've gone to the past couple years, that $300 per couple is appropriate for the settings I described.
A wedding is nice and all but a big purpose of having a wedding is to help the couple get started off on the right foot not waste money on people coming to a party.
Holy shit Robbie. That is just a twisted view. If it's about getting off on the right foot don't spend 25k plus on a wedding. A wedding is a celebration of the commitment two people make to each other witnessed by those they care about. Now if you want to make a wedding a sign of your social status. . . Go for it. Buy don't expect those less fortunate to foot a portion of the bill. And be thankful for whatever gift someone has given you.
AnnapolisMike: I think Robbie's comments are less 'twisted' in context Â
Holy shit Robbie. That is just a twisted view. If it's about getting off on the right foot don't spend 25k plus on a wedding. A wedding is a celebration of the commitment two people make to each other witnessed by those they care about. Now if you want to make a wedding a sign of your social status. . . Go for it. But don't expect those less fortunate to foot a portion of the bill. And be thankful for whatever gift someone has given you.
Mike - I agree completely, but in many families a truly modest wedding will set off even more conflict than a big one.
The "social status" point is a tough one. Lavish weddings were the province of the nobility, and later of the wealthy, and were an integral part of marriage as a ritual of dynastic merger - whether the dynasties were literal or figurative. Expensive weddings as "princess fantasy" or "the Bride's special day", with little practical function for the families, are largely a marketing phenomenon of the past 60 years. They are to marriage what McMansions are to family homes. The folly is pretty obvious when a middle-class family spends six figures on a wedding, but many decades of brainwashing have gone into making that family believe they have little choice.
but what would be considered a proper gift if you're in the wedding party? My wife and I are in an upcoming wedding and have already shelled out for the hotel, bridesmaid dress, tux and bridal shower gifts. Is $300 still the expectation for a couple? Thanks.
but what would be considered a proper gift if you're in the wedding party? My wife and I are in an upcoming wedding and have already shelled out for the hotel, bridesmaid dress, tux and bridal shower gifts. Is $300 still the expectation for a couple? Thanks.
Don't even get me started on that, biggest sham of it all. Women have it bad. My wife has been a bridesmaid in a few weddings the past couple years and they have to buy their own dress + shoes, pay for their makeup, get a hotel room for the night before, and whatever other expenses I miss THEN pay for the wedding too?
My wife will give less for those weddings she's in, and I think its only right. It isn't just your money but its tons of time devoted as well.
but what would be considered a proper gift if you're in the wedding party? My wife and I are in an upcoming wedding and have already shelled out for the hotel, bridesmaid dress, tux and bridal shower gifts. Is $300 still the expectation for a couple? Thanks.
$200-$400 is reasonable in my experience. An actual gift with some thought put into it would work too. I just got married two weeks ago. The wedding party all did basically $300. I can tell you the bride and groom are just happy for whatever is given. The fun part though is when you later open all the gifts and cards and your aunt who hates you gives $400 but your friend who is a veterinarian and who you gave $200 at their wedding gives $80. My boss didn't attend and gave $300, a friend flew across county and gave $200, a friend attended and re gifted pictures frames from his now ended marriage (divorced after a year). the gift amounts make no sense. Most appeared to try to cover the cost of the reception as best they could with the knowledge they had.
I have never given under $100 a person at a wedding but that's me, I expect people to give what they feel comfortable with.
The idea of a guest covering the cost of their plate isn't exactly foreign, although it is a bit too flawed to be considered much more than a guiding heuristic.
A) Good luck getting most venues to quote you their price, especially considering the variables (time of day, day of week, meal options, etc). The majority of venues, especially those of higher quality, typically like to schedule personal tours of the facility during which they will discuss pricing.
B) The rule of reciprocity applies in many situations. I was among the first few in my group(s) of friends to kick off what's been a revolver of wedding seasons. If a friend gave us $250pp/$200pp/$150pp/$100pp then they are receiving the same amount when they marry. In instances where I gave $150pp or $300 as a couple, we invariably received the same.
C) Gifting varying amounts to different friends could lead to disaster. At this point in our lives, the majority of my close friends reside in a narrow range as it pertains to financial wealth. For me to gift one friend $200pp and the next friend $150pp based upon my perceived valuation of their respective events seems like a recipe for trouble.
D) As a groom I expect the worst (minimal gift) and as a guest I hope to ease the burden of having to put on the wedding, which I think is what Robbie was looking to convey. The wedding should be looked at as a sunk cost from the perspective of the bride & groom, and if they cannot stomach that cost then it's prudent to scale back.
but the going rate for a wedding these days is more like $300 per couple and that's the "lower" end of the scale but appropriate for a friends daughter (as opposed to family).
$300 is generally seen as a nice gift, I think $200 would be light.
Married 2 years ago and have been to my share of weddings. 300 is the average gift to people who aren't your best friends or family. It goes up from there not down
good football poster. His views aren't wrong - they just represent a view that's different from many.
IMO, the idea of lavish weddings paid for on credit is dysfunctional in and of itself. That's on the families that perpetrate that expectation.
My wife and I wanted to get married to be together, but we had no savings/resources. Solution? Simple/nearly free wedding - no reception.
Her parents and ours decided they wanted to have a reception. The reception and all of its details were theirs. We didn't care what/how they wanted to do any of it, and if they had any trouble pulling it off we would have cancelled the reception.
My children have been raised with the same expectation. So far two of my sons have married. I don't think their weddings cost more than $1200 all in. We threw a very modest reception for them, not some lavish affair.
The gifts received were appreciated, but unnecessary.
So I'm coming at it from a different viewpoint than Robbie is. I'm sorry if calling the other perspective dysfunctional is offensive to some.
in the last 3-4 years, but I was giving $300-400 before that. I gave a bit more to couples who were paying for their weddings and/or just didnt have great earning potential. Two big firms lawyers getting married? The $300 wasnt moving the needle.
and kind of unrelated to the OP and the thread intent in general, but since others went there, I will too.
I have yet to meet the woman/young lady who dreamed of a wedding at the courthouse or a reception-less wedding.
I'm not suggesting spending beyond your means, and sure value is an important lesson, but many woman have dreamed of their wedding day since they were little girls.
so the thrifty wedding might be a good choice for some, for other people it's a once-in-a-lifetime day that should be memorable.
at least for me and it's exactly how I wanted it, my wife planned almost everything, and we paid for it ourselves and didn't go into debt for it and didn't care what people gave us as gifts.
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In comment 13036057 robbieballs2003 said:
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if someone is going to get married at a place that's $200 a head, I think it's wildly unrealistic to expect that in return from your guests, and not necessary. We got all sorts of gift ranges and we're just happy to get whatever people can afford.
When someone has a $100k wedding it should not be on the guests to cover those costs.
Did I say that? Way to put words in my mouth. I said if a person can't cover the plate then they probably shouldn't go. I didn't say I expected everybody to pay that plate. I am talking about the viewpoint of the person attending. Nice try though. I wasn't expecting people to pay for the DJ, flowers, photo booth, limo, wedding service, etc. However, people are eating the food. To me, common courtesy is to cover the plate. If I cannot do that then I am not going but I will give the couple a gift in the mail.
If that is how you feel then you shouldn't have invited them. You don't invite people to your wedding based on their ability to pay you back. You invite people you (or your parents) want to share the joyous occasion with.
If only is was that simple. I agree that is how it should be. But that is not how things work out. This isn't a perfect world. Seek first to understand then to be understood.
IT is that simple. You invite people you want there, or who your parents want there. They are your guests and they give a gift based on what they are comfortable with, can afford, and think is appropriate. Period.
Oh, it is that simple? My list consisted over 330 people and about half of that was what my wife and I wanted. Try finding a place that holds a shitload of people. I had to not invite guests that I wanted so that my family could have people there that I didn't even know just to avoid the fighting that was occurring and to try and make it a memorable day. It is really enjoyable when others get involved. It is easy to say it is your wedding so what you say goes. Yry walking in someone else's shoes. Your sitiation does not pertain to everybody. Consider yourself lucky to be in the situation you are in but stop trying to pretend that everything is simple and all rainbows.
I didn't say anyone else's situation is rainbows, easy, etc.
If you are paying, you make an affair you can afford. If you can't afford to have 330 people, then you don't invite them. We invited people we didn't know and had to leave off people because of budget, size of venue, etc. The point is, the people that were invited were invited because we or our parents wanted them there. That is what is simple. They are guests, not paying customers and not there for the hosts to recoup their money.
Once again, I never said I wanted my wedding to recoup money. There are two different viewpoints that you aren't understanding. I have a different mentality as an attendee. You say just invite the people that your family wants, right? I keep saying it is not that simple. My brother got married awhile ago. My parents and his fiancé's parents were splitting the bill. My brother's side had at least twice as many guests as her side. They were supposed to split the money evenly. My brother didn't think it was fair. My dad threw in more money. Then his fiancé wanted a band and not a DJ. Her dad ran out of money and came to my dad asking to borrow money. Long story short is that there was a big argument. The two sides didn't really talk after that. It put a lot of strain on the marriage and eventually it ended.
I saw all this happen amd I wasn't going to let that happen. When things got tough for us with all the people being invited all costs went up. Centerpieces, invitations, flowers, plates of food, etc. My wife's family doesn't have a lot of money. My dad kept asking us how much are they throwing in. He says it was just to know how much he had to lay out. I told him it was none of his business and we aren't keeping track. That started a huge argument. My wife and I basically covered a good portion of her family to cover what my dad was putting in just to avoid issues so we didn't have any strain on our marriage amd especially when we started having kids. It worked but put a lot of stress on us financially.
Our wedding wasn't looked at as a way to make money but it isn't as simple as invite who you want amd who your family wants and find the perfect place. There were limited places we could look at based on the amount of people we were inviting. Thank God we had a lot of cancelations.
I gave what we could. The couple being good people accepted it and thanked us.
When my wife and I were married, we paid for the wedding. We did NOT look at the gifts from a monetary standpoint.
I get what you are saying and understand it. I am finding more and more that kids are not being invited to weddings and I think that money is a big issue. I have been invited to numerous wedding over the last year or so and every one of them said no kids allowed. I asked why not and they said I will enjoy myself more. What? I don't need someone else telling me how to enjoy myself. I love my son amd love being around him. He makes me extremely happy. I have more fun with him than stressing over who is going to watch him.
I just had a friend's wedding yesterday. They kept it low key and at their house. I gave lower than my usual $300 since it was a house party with no DJ or band. They did do a nice job with food and had servers.
My experience - I had a 390 person wedding. And 2 jackass families of doctors who went were cheap cunts gave 50 bucks for their 4 person families. And other people in medical school or guys starting their careers making like 40K a year dropped 300. It was all over the place.
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then they better be contributing significantly to the financing of the event.
100%.
He did but I still don't think it gives him the right to do a lot of the stuff he did.
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My wife's nephew got married and they spent a lot on the wedding. Her side has money. I have three kids who were invited. I'm supposed to give 750-1000 dollars to attend. I'm sorry I can't afford that plus the cloths, hotels, etc. Should I have said 'No, we can't attend? That is such bullshit.
I gave what we could. The couple being good people accepted it and thanked us.
When my wife and I were married, we paid for the wedding. We did NOT look at the gifts from a monetary standpoint.
I get what you are saying and understand it. I am finding more and more that kids are not being invited to weddings and I think that money is a big issue. I have been invited to numerous wedding over the last year or so and every one of them said no kids allowed. I asked why not and they said I will enjoy myself more. What? I don't need someone else telling me how to enjoy myself. I love my son amd love being around him. He makes me extremely happy. I have more fun with him than stressing over who is going to watch him.
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In comment 13036082 BurberryManning said:
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then they better be contributing significantly to the financing of the event.
100%.
He did but I still don't think it gives him the right to do a lot of the stuff he did.
That is well and good. And good for you that you do so.
But the point is this. Not everyone is in the same income bracket as the bride and groom. If a couple host an elaborate and expensive wedding, great. Kudos to them they can afford it. But people attending should not feel obligated to gift in that manner. Simpy because they can'y afford it.
Plus your statement
from 8:05 definitely made it sound like you believed people should cover. Especially when you also stated that
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everybody is entitled to their own opinions on how much to give. But, I hope you can at least understand where I am coming from where I never want to be a financial burden on a couple getting married. I always remember what it was like for my brother and myself. So, posters on here can say I am out of my mind or twist things around like that I expect people to pay me at my wedding. It isn't that at all. It is just me attending a wedding that I , personally, would like to cover the cost of the food I am eating and add a little more. It isn't that I take money away for a lesser wedding. That is all. It wasn't supposed to be so negative.
As a guest, that should never even cross your mind. A guest should have nothing but the notion they were invited because they are wanted there. It is not up to them to decide whether or not they are a financial burden to the couple and that is not the basis for a gift.
We learn from our experiences. I am not saying you are wrong. I kind of agree with you but if I can help them out financially then I will do so. I just view it differently than most, I guess. But, then again, I am not thinking about the best case scenario where everybody is as easygoing as you. I am looking at it from the worst case scenario. Times are tough now for a lot of people and it is all relative. Not everybody knows how to budget their money and some may know how but be stuck in situations like I was in.
Quick somewhat related story. My wife and I got approved for a loan on a house. We got approved for $500,000. We were very excited as we could get an amazing house for that price. Then I started crunching the numbers. I am a math guy. When I got done going over all of our expenses and possible monthly payments there was no way in hell we could havd afforded that loan. I am good with budgeting so I know my limitations. I know a lot of people arent amd you get approved for that loan you think you can afford it. There are more and more foreclosures out by me not because people are bad or stupid but just because this is the world we live in now. The American dream used to be getting your own house and having a stay at home wife raising your kids. How many families have that anymore? And the ones that do seem to be very stressed.
It isn't just the cost of the wedding. It is all my experiences that go into the way I think. Is it right? Who know? I just don't see how it is wrong though. I don't think everybody should have the same mentality as me. Everybody is entitled to their own. There are many different answers on here. Nobody is right, nobody is really wrong.
I give $150pp because I'm not interested in analyzing the venue, date, time, cost of living in the area, inflation, sources of parental financing, quality of photo booth, band or DJ, flower arrangements, etc to come up with a number that pays for my cost of attendance along with a bit more to set the couple off right...which of course would have to be applied at a proportionate rate to every other wedding attended (and I'm sure that my additional $20 will not make or break the newly minted couple getting their mortgage approved).
I'm almost through the slate of what will be nine or ten 2016 weddings and hopefully the pace starts to die down in coming years.
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In comment 13036081 therealmf said:
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My wife's nephew got married and they spent a lot on the wedding. Her side has money. I have three kids who were invited. I'm supposed to give 750-1000 dollars to attend. I'm sorry I can't afford that plus the cloths, hotels, etc. Should I have said 'No, we can't attend? That is such bullshit.
I gave what we could. The couple being good people accepted it and thanked us.
When my wife and I were married, we paid for the wedding. We did NOT look at the gifts from a monetary standpoint.
I get what you are saying and understand it. I am finding more and more that kids are not being invited to weddings and I think that money is a big issue. I have been invited to numerous wedding over the last year or so and every one of them said no kids allowed. I asked why not and they said I will enjoy myself more. What? I don't need someone else telling me how to enjoy myself. I love my son amd love being around him. He makes me extremely happy. I have more fun with him than stressing over who is going to watch him.
I understand both sides of this. I don't begrudge anyone that either doesn't want to pay for my kids at their affair, doesn't want kids at their affair, doesn't want my kids specifically at their affair, etc. On the other hand, I also agree with your comment about not telling you how to enjoy yourself. That is a passive aggressive response they gave you. We have been put in that situation and for some people we ended up going and others, we decided not to go. It was going to cost us way to much for a sitter, etc. and we also didn't want to leave small kids for so many hours. And we were fine with that also.
My kids were 15 to 20 years old at the time. And the groom was a first cousin who explicitly stated he wanted them to attend. They could not realistically contribute. First class move on the grooms part. He knew we could not pay 5 covers.
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Borrowing money from the groom's father because the bride has more expensive taste than what's practical? Wow, that sounds like a disaster. The traditional narrative is that the bride's family pays for the wedding so I'd consider any financial support from the groom's side to be generous.
That may be the traditional narrative, but it is becoming less and less common and probably rightfully so.
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In comment 13036090 Matt M. said:
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In comment 13036082 BurberryManning said:
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then they better be contributing significantly to the financing of the event.
100%.
He did but I still don't think it gives him the right to do a lot of the stuff he did.
I'm not so sure. If he was paying or paying a significant portion, then he has a reasonable expectation to dictate details unless you had some other understanding.
I don't think asking how much money my wife's family has given, why my wife and I have separate bank accounts, inviting dead and incarcerated people, making it sound like my wife was going to take the money from the wedding, etc., is warranted no matter how much money he threw in. My rule was just to keep my mouth shut and keep saying I don't know just to avoid issues. When you try to deal with a stubbord Italian from Sicily and a Virgo (control freak) on top of that you just hve to say enough to keep him happy and therefore everybody else happy.
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In comment 13036084 robbieballs2003 said:
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everybody is entitled to their own opinions on how much to give. But, I hope you can at least understand where I am coming from where I never want to be a financial burden on a couple getting married. I always remember what it was like for my brother and myself. So, posters on here can say I am out of my mind or twist things around like that I expect people to pay me at my wedding. It isn't that at all. It is just me attending a wedding that I , personally, would like to cover the cost of the food I am eating and add a little more. It isn't that I take money away for a lesser wedding. That is all. It wasn't supposed to be so negative.
As a guest, that should never even cross your mind. A guest should have nothing but the notion they were invited because they are wanted there. It is not up to them to decide whether or not they are a financial burden to the couple and that is not the basis for a gift.
We learn from our experiences. I am not saying you are wrong. I kind of agree with you but if I can help them out financially then I will do so. I just view it differently than most, I guess. But, then again, I am not thinking about the best case scenario where everybody is as easygoing as you. I am looking at it from the worst case scenario. Times are tough now for a lot of people and it is all relative. Not everybody knows how to budget their money and some may know how but be stuck in situations like I was in.
Quick somewhat related story. My wife and I got approved for a loan on a house. We got approved for $500,000. We were very excited as we could get an amazing house for that price. Then I started crunching the numbers. I am a math guy. When I got done going over all of our expenses and possible monthly payments there was no way in hell we could havd afforded that loan. I am good with budgeting so I know my limitations. I know a lot of people arent amd you get approved for that loan you think you can afford it. There are more and more foreclosures out by me not because people are bad or stupid but just because this is the world we live in now. The American dream used to be getting your own house and having a stay at home wife raising your kids. How many families have that anymore? And the ones that do seem to be very stressed.
It isn't just the cost of the wedding. It is all my experiences that go into the way I think. Is it right? Who know? I just don't see how it is wrong though. I don't think everybody should have the same mentality as me. Everybody is entitled to their own. There are many different answers on here. Nobody is right, nobody is really wrong.
I don't understand the link between the cost of a wedding,wedding gifts and a mortgage. If people cannot afford a big wedding without the hope of payback, they should downsize their plans. It may not be fun, but it is the adult decision. Please don't suggest that me giving less than the cost would lead the bride and groom to a foreclosure.
in NYC for a couple , 200 a head
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everybody is entitled to their own opinions on how much to give. But, I hope you can at least understand where I am coming from where I never want to be a financial burden on a couple getting married. I always remember what it was like for my brother and myself. So, posters on here can say I am out of my mind or twist things around like that I expect people to pay me at my wedding. It isn't that at all. It is just me attending a wedding that I , personally, would like to cover the cost of the food I am eating and add a little more. It isn't that I take money away for a lesser wedding. That is all. It wasn't supposed to be so negative.
That is well and good. And good for you that you do so.
But the point is this. Not everyone is in the same income bracket as the bride and groom. If a couple host an elaborate and expensive wedding, great. Kudos to them they can afford it. But people attending should not feel obligated to gift in that manner. Simpy because they can'y afford it.
Plus your statement
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Like I said, the best thing to do is call up the place and find out what they charge per head with taxes. pj is about right with $300 per couple being on the lower end but acceptable for a couple flying in from Florida.
from 8:05 definitely made it sound like you believed people should cover. Especially when you also stated that
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A wedding is nice and all but a big purpose of having a wedding is to help the couple get started off on the right foot not waste money on people coming to a party
I said that post came off wrong. I am talking about my beliefs but didn't clearly say that and it sounds like everybody should do that.
First, you have no idea how much the couple is spending per-plate at a wedding. But more obviously, weddings are neither for-profit enterprises nor are they meant to be guest-subsidized. They are parties to celebrate a marriage and gifts are meant to help couples star their lives together.
Someone throwing an opulent wedding at a huge cost is doing so because they want to. The idea that it returns a nicer gift is ridiculous. Sure, there are different rules of etiquette guiding how much to give. But it varies on culture (location of wedding), closeness to the couple, and whether there are other circumstances (additional travel costs to attend).
Weddings in the Northeast differ a lot from other places. Massive ballroom style affairs. I really dislike it, always have.
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In comment 13036084 robbieballs2003 said:
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everybody is entitled to their own opinions on how much to give. But, I hope you can at least understand where I am coming from where I never want to be a financial burden on a couple getting married. I always remember what it was like for my brother and myself. So, posters on here can say I am out of my mind or twist things around like that I expect people to pay me at my wedding. It isn't that at all. It is just me attending a wedding that I , personally, would like to cover the cost of the food I am eating and add a little more. It isn't that I take money away for a lesser wedding. That is all. It wasn't supposed to be so negative.
That is well and good. And good for you that you do so.
But the point is this. Not everyone is in the same income bracket as the bride and groom. If a couple host an elaborate and expensive wedding, great. Kudos to them they can afford it. But people attending should not feel obligated to gift in that manner. Simpy because they can'y afford it.
Plus your statement
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Like I said, the best thing to do is call up the place and find out what they charge per head with taxes. pj is about right with $300 per couple being on the lower end but acceptable for a couple flying in from Florida.
from 8:05 definitely made it sound like you believed people should cover. Especially when you also stated that
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A wedding is nice and all but a big purpose of having a wedding is to help the couple get started off on the right foot not waste money on people coming to a party
I said that post came off wrong. I am talking about my beliefs but didn't clearly say that and it sounds like everybody should do that.
So what are those beliefs? Is it acceptable to gift a sum less than the cost of the wedding based on means? Or did my wife and I freeload of her nephew?
Apologies for the bluntness but you struck a nerve. I think it's great you can afford a $500,000 dollar house (according to the bank). But does that make me less?
It doesn't really make sense to give a bigger gift to the couple that can front the cost of a $200 per plate wedding compared to a couple that could only afford a $50 per plate wedding if the idea of the gift is to provide support.
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If you are well off pjcas18 is probably accurate. For average folk, maybe not.
http://www.vogue.com/13415460/weddings-wedding-gift-buying-spending-giving-rules/
No offense but $100 per person is cheap. That will not even cover the cost of the plate at a lot of places. The best thing to do is call up the place and find out what they charge per head and then plan accordingly. Saturday nights are the most expensive. Nights are more expensive than day weddings.
I recently just had my wedding at Land's End in Sayville which is a very nice place. It was about $150 per head before taxes and it ended up about $200 per head. I can say that is was easily the best cocktail hour I have ever been to. They had an insane amount of food.
We just went to a wedding last night that was fucking awful. There basically was no cocktail hour.
Any event planner who allows a restaurant or hall to divulge the cost of the plate should be fired on spot! Never, ever should that happen. If I were the owner, I might have them killed.
Not to be dramamtic, but each deal made is sacred. Bride's mothers can squeeze you dry...why in God's name should you share that?!.
I'm still at a loss for why I still have to "give a gift" of invited and can't go. Why am I paying so that you can get married? I don't get it at all and feel like Mr. pink all the time.
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'give me $300 or don't come' I'd gladly decline the invite and probably find a new friend
Once again, another misread post.
Lol everyone is calling you out but we're all the one's with reading comprehension issues. Your wedding must have been a blast. Did you send out itemized bills to all of the lucky guests?
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In comment 13035965 Ned In Atlanta said:
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'give me $300 or don't come' I'd gladly decline the invite and probably find a new friend
Once again, another misread post.
Lol everyone is calling you out but we're all the one's with reading comprehension issues. Your wedding must have been a blast. Did you send out itemized bills to all of the lucky guests?
Careful Ned. Not sure how it looks in ATLANTA. but when someone from NY states:
It usually means he wants you believe he's in or know's someone in the mob.
It also means that his wife's family has supported his desire to cover the plate.
if your parents are paying, why am I expected to give the cost of the meal to YOU?
never throw a party (especially if it's one you are throwing for yourself) you can't afford to pay for, or make it clear up front that there is a cover charge. you want a big fancy wedding, that's on you.
The gift is unrelated to the cost of the wedding. If you know that the wedding couple is paying for the wedding, it would be generous to give more, but it is not required.
As Matt said, it really is that simple.
Peoples attitudes are all over the place on this, but this is the first time I've heard anyone espouse the nonsense (IMO) of not attending if you don't plan on paying for your meal.
If you as host are expecting to recoup costs because of your own financial considerations you need to work on reducing the plate cost from >$100 to less than. Daytime affair, more modest venue, simpler and less food choices.
Quite often there is a horrendous wasteful over abundance of food at events, so that's a good place to start trimming.
Was it Keowee fan who brought up the old days when a gift was just that, a GIFT!?
In many, many cases just as nice an affair can be held at a fraction of the average cost, because the average cost is bloated by ridiculous, lavish affairs that are in all cases soon forgotten, so far as their lavishness goes.
I had to cover the costs of my own wedding, being ~45 and marrying a divorcee (with a young child) who'd lost her father almost a decade prior. So my wife and I worked hard to keep costs down in several ways but to maintain high quality and invited only about 100 guests (very small by Israeli standards) and with a little help from my dad broke even more or less on EVERYTHING, not merely the plate cost...
But that was ON OUR ACCOUNT, not by relying on the guests to "fork over."
You are so far off base you are clueless here. At least from the older generation's POV.
We were in our thirties and somewhat established, so we could afford to cover the full cost, sort of. The trade-off was no honeymoon, and no costly travel if any kind for several years That was the right way for us, and both families supported our choices.
Our circumstances weren't exactly typical. One small example: my wife made her own dress, based on traditional design motifs from her family's culture. If that sounds like a recipe for embarrassment, it was just the opposite: the dress wound up on a magazine cover, and was featured in a museum exhibit on Scandinavian handicrafts. We also assembled our own centerpieces. Nothing against Vera Wang, or fancy florists, but we enjoyed the projects, and thumbing our noses at expectations.
It helped that we had already gone through a civil service a bit earlier, so we could focus on the reception as a party, with less wedding pressure. Obviously, separating the two events isn't an option in many families, but I recommend it where feasible. It's not as though most brides are virgins anyway, they certainly aren't property, and many couples have already set up a household together. That explodes part of the traditional basis for combining the legal, ceremonial/religious, and festive aspects into one event. For those who consider marriage a holy sacrament, I guess it's harder to divide things.
My point is, every wedding/couple/family is different. For guests who don't have a clear sense of the couple's expectations, a guideline like "try to roughly cover the cost of your plate" is helpful - whether the hosts are expecting to recoup their costs or not. So, coming back to the original question, I think that's a safe, middle-of-the-road rule of thumb for the guests to use if they don't want to be outliers in either direction - high or low. Whether the hosts should expect it is a totally different question.
it's closer to $300 per couple (unless it's some outdoor beach wedding with a grill and a cooler of corona) than the $100 - $150 many of you suggested. If you don't have that to give, obviously give what your comfortable, I don't think Bill in UT needs that advice from anyone here.
no you don't need to cover your plate, no you do not have to give that much if you can't afford it, no you shouldn't skip the wedding if you can't pay that much, but that's pretty much the going rate for weddings in locations such as LI, NYC, and other urban or beach-type locations.
I don't know how any guest should ever be expected to know or care or find out the cost of a wedding or it's relevance. Completely irrelevant IMO.
I just think, based on weddings I've gone to the past couple years, that $300 per couple is appropriate for the settings I described.
I think most people give a gift to get the couple started in a house or as a couple instead of thinking about covering the cost of the reception.
Holy shit Robbie. That is just a twisted view. If it's about getting off on the right foot don't spend 25k plus on a wedding. A wedding is a celebration of the commitment two people make to each other witnessed by those they care about. Now if you want to make a wedding a sign of your social status. . . Go for it. Buy don't expect those less fortunate to foot a portion of the bill. And be thankful for whatever gift someone has given you.
Mike - I agree completely, but in many families a truly modest wedding will set off even more conflict than a big one.
The "social status" point is a tough one. Lavish weddings were the province of the nobility, and later of the wealthy, and were an integral part of marriage as a ritual of dynastic merger - whether the dynasties were literal or figurative. Expensive weddings as "princess fantasy" or "the Bride's special day", with little practical function for the families, are largely a marketing phenomenon of the past 60 years. They are to marriage what McMansions are to family homes. The folly is pretty obvious when a middle-class family spends six figures on a wedding, but many decades of brainwashing have gone into making that family believe they have little choice.
Don't even get me started on that, biggest sham of it all. Women have it bad. My wife has been a bridesmaid in a few weddings the past couple years and they have to buy their own dress + shoes, pay for their makeup, get a hotel room for the night before, and whatever other expenses I miss THEN pay for the wedding too?
My wife will give less for those weddings she's in, and I think its only right. It isn't just your money but its tons of time devoted as well.
$200-$400 is reasonable in my experience. An actual gift with some thought put into it would work too. I just got married two weeks ago. The wedding party all did basically $300. I can tell you the bride and groom are just happy for whatever is given. The fun part though is when you later open all the gifts and cards and your aunt who hates you gives $400 but your friend who is a veterinarian and who you gave $200 at their wedding gives $80. My boss didn't attend and gave $300, a friend flew across county and gave $200, a friend attended and re gifted pictures frames from his now ended marriage (divorced after a year). the gift amounts make no sense. Most appeared to try to cover the cost of the reception as best they could with the knowledge they had.
I have never given under $100 a person at a wedding but that's me, I expect people to give what they feel comfortable with.
A) Good luck getting most venues to quote you their price, especially considering the variables (time of day, day of week, meal options, etc). The majority of venues, especially those of higher quality, typically like to schedule personal tours of the facility during which they will discuss pricing.
B) The rule of reciprocity applies in many situations. I was among the first few in my group(s) of friends to kick off what's been a revolver of wedding seasons. If a friend gave us $250pp/$200pp/$150pp/$100pp then they are receiving the same amount when they marry. In instances where I gave $150pp or $300 as a couple, we invariably received the same.
C) Gifting varying amounts to different friends could lead to disaster. At this point in our lives, the majority of my close friends reside in a narrow range as it pertains to financial wealth. For me to gift one friend $200pp and the next friend $150pp based upon my perceived valuation of their respective events seems like a recipe for trouble.
D) As a groom I expect the worst (minimal gift) and as a guest I hope to ease the burden of having to put on the wedding, which I think is what Robbie was looking to convey. The wedding should be looked at as a sunk cost from the perspective of the bride & groom, and if they cannot stomach that cost then it's prudent to scale back.
$300 is generally seen as a nice gift, I think $200 would be light.
Married 2 years ago and have been to my share of weddings. 300 is the average gift to people who aren't your best friends or family. It goes up from there not down
IMO, the idea of lavish weddings paid for on credit is dysfunctional in and of itself. That's on the families that perpetrate that expectation.
My wife and I wanted to get married to be together, but we had no savings/resources. Solution? Simple/nearly free wedding - no reception.
Her parents and ours decided they wanted to have a reception. The reception and all of its details were theirs. We didn't care what/how they wanted to do any of it, and if they had any trouble pulling it off we would have cancelled the reception.
My children have been raised with the same expectation. So far two of my sons have married. I don't think their weddings cost more than $1200 all in. We threw a very modest reception for them, not some lavish affair.
The gifts received were appreciated, but unnecessary.
So I'm coming at it from a different viewpoint than Robbie is. I'm sorry if calling the other perspective dysfunctional is offensive to some.
I have yet to meet the woman/young lady who dreamed of a wedding at the courthouse or a reception-less wedding.
I'm not suggesting spending beyond your means, and sure value is an important lesson, but many woman have dreamed of their wedding day since they were little girls.
so the thrifty wedding might be a good choice for some, for other people it's a once-in-a-lifetime day that should be memorable.
at least for me and it's exactly how I wanted it, my wife planned almost everything, and we paid for it ourselves and didn't go into debt for it and didn't care what people gave us as gifts.