Had it rough last night dealing with a teen daughter whose emotions are all over the map. Hell, last night? Last year or so. Just occasional flare-ups, but man, when they happen. Damn.
Dropped her off at school. There was no talking in the car on the way. Then she just ... got out. Nothing. Trying to relax, stay calm, not let that bother me, but WOW, kids know how to hurt you. lol
Anyhow, I get to work and no fewer than 3 co-workers are talking about their nightmares at home. Coincidentally, they all have boys.
The one guy told his story: today is his youngest son's birthday (turns 14). His wife got up early to make a nice birthday breakfast. They eat, it's nice, and afterward the older son (almost 16) reaches across the table and snags his brother's phone, on which he'd been text away on (at 6:30 a.m.). No words spoken, the younger brother launched himself across the kitchen table and tackled the older brother back and out of the chair. They landed in a pile and THEN the mayhem was under way. The Dad said the worst part was that he wife was VERY upset by it all (he was laughing, but was also clearly still pissed off).
Next story up: Mom of 4 (yes 4) boys, the oldest being in 3rd grade. She's a country girl, and she and her husband are old-school. Basically, a policy of "you've got a problem with each other? deal with it and don't bother me or your father with your trivial crap" in their home. (Probably needed with 4 young boys.) She says last night she and her sons were visiting her mother's house, where a cousin (boy) was also visiting. Apparently a skirmish broke out and the 4-year-old cousin bit her eldest son on the back. That boy had been warned (over the weekend, by the grandmother) NOT to "deal with it" but instead to report the wrongdoing. So being a good kid, he went to his mother. Meanwhile, the gfrandmother is asking, and asking, and asking the young cousin why he bit the other kid. The grandmother couldn't get an answer so ... she made the young cousin kneel and "pray on why you were compelled to bite your cousin in the back." My co-worker said she asked her mother "what the hell you're doing," then took the young cousin (her nephew) into another room and "beat the hell out of him" (she said that meant spanking, for the biting) and told him the next time he bites his older cousin, she'll allow him to beat the hell out of him too.
Third co-worker is siting there, shaking his head, grinning. He's got three boys, ages 12, 9 and 6. He talked in general about the daily mayhem and how when they recently bought their new house, a requirement was a basement rec room sort of place where they could basically throw the boys and all their stuff and let them have at it. He then got his phone out and shared with us a brief video of his 3 sons basically beating the shit out of each other, with him laughing in the background while videotaping.
That guy, from a big family himself, laughed when he counted on 2 fingers the number of years I have "until she's at college," he said, referring to my daughter.
My son is a freshman in college and away at school for the first semester. I miss him. He was relatively easy, and being 18, while he and I have always been close, it's starting to feel a slight bit more like we're becoming friends, too. Of couirse, I still give him shit when I think he needs to hear it, but ... so much more smooth than with this girl of mine.
It's a struggle, man! You love your children, but there are moments in a day when you're just trying to get through, peace intact, and especially when you are suddenly outnumbered in the house (2 fenmales v. ME!).
Yes, this thread is a form of therapy. After work, my wife has a college class tonight, and after my daughter's swim practice, it's just me and her for nearly 4 hours. I'm thinking maybe a pizza ... possibly some scotch (lol) ... and almost certainly a retreat down into our basement with the big-screen, a nice recliner and a fluffy blanket. I'm fragile, dammit!
Pray for me.
:)
Hang in there. I thought my wife would kill both my girls but now they are her best friends and they both call me 2-3 times a week for advice.
Amazing how much smarter I've become since they were teens!
I know that this can all go to shit any minute, but I'm riding high while I can.
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Has to be better without kids. Travel. Work less. More money. Easier to retire. People work their entire lives just to spend their money on someone else.
Holy tone deaf, Batman...
I'll bet you're glad your parents didn't think that way!
And the rest of us are sadly disappointed that they didn't.
Serious arguments are rare - and are almost ALWAYS fueled by a lack of sleep.
When they were in their Elementary School years, fighting was more common, but they grew out of it as they matured.
Lucky me, I guess!
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Has to be better without kids. Travel. Work less. More money. Easier to retire. People work their entire lives just to spend their money on someone else.
Yes - the world would be a better place if nobody had kids...
To a certain extent, you're quite correct.
Older daughter is a freshman in college. Complete emotional mess the last couple years. Seems like she enjoys hurting people emotionally, but then is apologetic shortly thereafter, once she thinks about it. Hoping we get a similar turnaround like we did with our son. Her and I did facetime during the Walking Dead premier Sunday night and it was nice to hang out. She's always been my movie and TV buddy. I think she's getting there.
Younger daughter, a junior in HS, is now the only child at home and loving it. My wife and I call her the gift God gave us because of the other two. Pretty much a perfect kid. Well behaved, good student, has no interest in partying or boys, athlete, dancer and is about to publish her first book. Plus I've turned her into a fellow Star Wars fanatic. She's also become a much bigger Giants fan this year since she's watched all the games with me. That's not easy for her considering my wife is a Patriots fan. Part of me hopes she doesn't go away for college, but I know that's what's best for her.
They are 18, 16, and 14 now and it is rewarding and fulfilling to watch each of them explore their different interests and accomplishments.
But as they get older, and my wife and I see our role slowly changing---and yes, shrinking---it is more than a bit melancholic to look back that the last 18 years and recognize a few regrets, a few opportunities lost, a few adventures never taken.
Moreover, in retrospect, I think the best I have ever felt as a man still goes back to the days when my kids were younger. It's then that all the possibilities are out there, when your parenting and love can have the most impact, and when the simple pleasures of watching your son play with his Lego's, taking your daughter to art camp, or going on a weekend getaway with your family are a daily occurrence.
I miss my kids being young, and I am having a lot of fun with them as teenagers. There is nothing better for me than having been able to take on the role of parent.
I love her for how strong-willed and independent she is, but there's a flip side to that. She's stubborn as a mule and she has a definite mean streak to her. The weird thing is that she's practically a saint at school. We happened to run into her kindergarten teacher at a burger joint one weekend. She had one of her meltdowns in there, and her teacher's eyes were bugging out of her head. She'd never seen my daughter act that way, and it was not in any way an unusual incident.
I do feel hopeful that her attitude will help keep her from getting in trouble by going along with the crowd, which is totally what I fear with my son. He's sensitive, and wants everyone to like him, so I can totally see him being taken advantage of by other kids. There isn't anyone who can talk Faith into doing something she doesn't want to do, though.
The funny thing is, he still enjoys hanging out with the old man sometimes. He just told me he hopes we can go see Roger Waters in September. His first concert was Roger Waters doing The Wall at Yankee Stadium 4 years or so ago. And still at least once a month on a Friday or Saturday night he will look at me and say, Father/Son night tonight? Which means dinner and a movie. I feel really grateful for this and also about something he said to us about 3 months ago, we were eating dinner and he said, "I want you guys to know that I never realized how lucky I am to have parents that I can talk to about anything" so my wife said, don't most of your friends have that kind of relationship with their parents? He looked at us like we had two heads each, and informed us that most of his friends rarely eat dinner as a family let alone feel comfortable talking about their lives with their parents. And told us he knows that whatever problem he has, even if he did something wrong or was in some kind of trouble that he knows he can come to us and we would be there for him. I have never felt so accomplished as a parent as I did at that moment. I know there is still some time to go before we declare victory, but I think we are on the right path.
It means so much to me because I didn't have a relationship like that with my dad. He was just way more concerned with himself and his own happiness than he was with me or my mom. They split up when I was a kid because he had fidelity problems and had a kid with anther woman. So, I just spend as much time with Nick (my son) as I can and hope he stays on the right path. The one annoying thing is, I was a slob at his age, he is 10x worse than I ever was. It drives my wife crazy.
I really enjoyed this thread talking about our kids and the realtionships we have with them.
Older daughter is a freshman in college. Complete emotional mess the last couple years. Seems like she enjoys hurting people emotionally, but then is apologetic shortly thereafter, once she thinks about it. Hoping we get a similar turnaround like we did with our son. Her and I did facetime during the Walking Dead premier Sunday night and it was nice to hang out. She's always been my movie and TV buddy. I think she's getting there.
Younger daughter, a junior in HS, is now the only child at home and loving it. My wife and I call her the gift God gave us because of the other two. Pretty much a perfect kid. Well behaved, good student, has no interest in partying or boys, athlete, dancer and is about to publish her first book. Plus I've turned her into a fellow Star Wars fanatic. She's also become a much bigger Giants fan this year since she's watched all the games with me. That's not easy for her considering my wife is a Patriots fan. Part of me hopes she doesn't go away for college, but I know that's what's best for her.
That is so true, I always say that the thing I am best at, is being a dad. And the most rewarding too.
I definitely was not close with my sister growing up, but now we are really close. We were both very much independent which grew us up a lot quicker than some of our friends. No idea if that's good or bad, but something I've been thinking about.
I think we will probably meet in the middle and do a 3-ish year gap. I can't imagine trying to have another kid right now and that's purely for financial reasons. We don't make enough for 2 kids a daycare in our area but we make enough where 1 of us staying home and dropping the career isn't an option.
The hardest thing for me though was the 6 yr period we went through w/ my20 yr old son. Tough thing for a dad to have his son who always shared things and talked, go 180 and become this "I can't show any emotion or open up because its not cool" kid. He is a real good athlete and that led to him being around older kids when I think he was not emotionally ready for it. Nice thing is though he is in his second year at college, and has fully come back around.
Wait until they have grandchildens -- that's the bomb!!!!
Pretty much all you need to say to Beezer...
And we're not in this together in any form...I wouldn't let any of you motherf'ers or your spawns get within 10 miles of influencing my kids.
And my sister is 7 years younger than me and I'm definitely closer to my wife's sister's who are 2 and 4 years younger. While the 7 year gap gave me a sibling I've never really fought with, it also gave me a sister who is somewhat of a stranger in that a close sibling relationship has never happened. We are good friends, but I wouldn't say we are close. We text a few times a month, but she's in Manhattan and I'm in the sticks.
For my two boys, they have sensory processing disorders common among children on the autistic spectrum. While neither is diagnosed with Asperger's, both display behaviors and traits common among children who are on the spectrum (aversions to sensory inputs, weak fine motor skills, slightly weak gross motor skills, anxiety, difficulty in some social settings, etc.). It makes them each very difficult to deal with at times (violent tantrums, excessive screaming that lasts a long time, severe oppositional behavior, trouble self-regulating, trouble focusing, possible auditory processing disorders, etc.). Outside the home, they each have trouble finding their voice to advocate for themselves, which leads to other problems.
My daughter is now starting to display some of the sensory issues, like extreme aversion to noise and smells. She was recently evaluated and approved for speech therapy and some OT for some of the same motor skills. However, she is the one that is much better at using her voice and sticking up for herself. Oddly, I think I will have to worry about my daughter the least later in life.
As close as we have always been, losing my wife earlier this year has brought us that much closer. I truly cannot imagine my life without him. He has grown into a man I am very proud, and i don't miss an opportunity to tell him.
Beez, i can't offer any advice on raising a daughter, but as long as you are there when she needs you, and you let her know how much you care regardless of a decision might make you don't agree with, i can't imagine your relationship would suffer for it.
When did Ronnie become a strident, cocksucking douchebag?
Used to think he was a good dude.
But, besides the basic fundamental differences, we are the only ones amongst our close friends who have children with IEPs/special needs. It is difficult explaining to others what we experience and go through on a regular basis. When detailing an isolated incident, a lot of people brush it off as "that's boys" or "that's a 6 year old" or "he's becoming an adolescent". But, what they aren't getting is the tantrums, screaming, sensory overload, etc. are every day, last for extended periods, can derail the best laid plans, etc.
The most difficult part for us navigating when they need firmness or a rigid regimen versus when they simply need help calming their bodies. It is extremely difficult and constantly leaves us feeling as if we are failing them.
We decided that 3.5 is about perfect when it comes to age difference since it gave us enough time with our daughter alone and now gives us time with our son alone while our daughter is in school. With us planning for potential third one, we'll most likely stick with about 3.5 years of age difference.
When did Ronnie become a strident, cocksucking douchebag?
Used to think he was a good dude.
That was your first mistake...ever thinking I was a good dude. I've always been a strident douchebag...the whole cocksucking douchebag portion is relatveily new though...:)
So, I texted my daughter. Couple things about her swim team to update her on.
1. I turned in the poster I made for her (all the parents were asked by the coach to make a poster for their girl so they could hang them around the pool heading into sectional taper, etc). I made the poster myself. Most of the other kids' moms made theirs. One girl said her parents made her make her own poster. Not saying I'm perfect, or the poster is, either, but I felt pretty good about it.
2. Signed up (online team/parent signup program) for the pre-sectional prelim pasta party and chose to make a mozzarella chicken dinner for the group. Could have chosen to bring napkins or something on that level. But I like to cook, so ... did that.
And 3. Signed up for the breakfast/brunch the "day of" sectional finals to make a crock pot of chili (again, other options included napkins, or transporting leftovers to a family's house in the afternoon).
My daughter's text response: "OK."
+++
Queue up the Joe Pesci voice from Goodfellas ...
MOTHER FUCK ...
+++
Serenity now ... deep, cleansing breaths ... it's good to get this out of my system ... lol ...
... I'm choosing the positive today. So ... I'll try to stick with a better image and assume you're just having a shit day, or week.
I've seen good things.
My twins obviously same age, but they have a 5 year younger sibling. They seem to get along ok, but the twins do get sort of resentful of the baby-sitting responsibility we rarely impose on them.
I tried to squeeze those kids in as close as I could, but a couple miscarriages and some emotional scarring causing my wife not really eager to jump right back in and you take what god gives you (or at least I did) and I'm grateful for it.
... I'm choosing the positive today. So ... I'll try to stick with a better image and assume you're just having a shit day, or week.
I've seen good things.
Sorry...my attempt at snarky humor didn't work out in this thread full of group kumbayah.
I was totally not serious with my initial post...well, except for not wanting any of you guys or your spawns near my perfect children.
So, I texted my daughter. Couple things about her swim team to update her on.
1. I turned in the poster I made for her (all the parents were asked by the coach to make a poster for their girl so they could hang them around the pool heading into sectional taper, etc). I made the poster myself. Most of the other kids' moms made theirs. One girl said her parents made her make her own poster. Not saying I'm perfect, or the poster is, either, but I felt pretty good about it.
2. Signed up (online team/parent signup program) for the pre-sectional prelim pasta party and chose to make a mozzarella chicken dinner for the group. Could have chosen to bring napkins or something on that level. But I like to cook, so ... did that.
And 3. Signed up for the breakfast/brunch the "day of" sectional finals to make a crock pot of chili (again, other options included napkins, or transporting leftovers to a family's house in the afternoon).
My daughter's text response: "OK."
+++
Queue up the Joe Pesci voice from Goodfellas ...
MOTHER FUCK ...
+++
Serenity now ... deep, cleansing breaths ... it's good to get this out of my system ... lol ...
I take back every bad thing I ever said about you.
:)
+1
When did Ronnie become a strident, cocksucking douchebag?
Never met a Marine officer before, I take it?
But, besides the basic fundamental differences, we are the only ones amongst our close friends who have children with IEPs/special needs. It is difficult explaining to others what we experience and go through on a regular basis. When detailing an isolated incident, a lot of people brush it off as "that's boys" or "that's a 6 year old" or "he's becoming an adolescent". But, what they aren't getting is the tantrums, screaming, sensory overload, etc. are every day, last for extended periods, can derail the best laid plans, etc.
The most difficult part for us navigating when they need firmness or a rigid regimen versus when they simply need help calming their bodies. It is extremely difficult and constantly leaves us feeling as if we are failing them.
But, we recently had a positive experience at our niece's wedding. My wife's cousin, the next morning, came over to compliment us on not just the kids' behavior, but the way we parent them. She went on and on with detail about how attentive we are and how we raise them, etc. The way she was speaking, I got very choked up. It meant a lot to hear; more than I would have ever thought.
Try to roll with the punches and live for the moment.... it is over all so fast.
We have two adult children and son-in-law who are just wonderful, lovable people, in spite of our mistakes and flaws.
Still waiting on the grandchildren, though :)
I don't post AS MUCH as I once did, but I've never had a problem posting about some personal stuff, to the chagrin of some BBIers. Ha! (Suck it, bitches.)
There is indeed a Mrs. Beez. A very, very busy Mrs. Beez who's working FT, starting a new iteration of her career while also taking a college class for the first time in many years for necessary certification. She's all over being involved with the kids ... I just happen to stay a little more immersed with their sports endeavors.
About my girl appreciating the poster ... she liked it at first, then went a little bit haywire when I told her I would be adding a couple photos of her (one swimming, one diving). The girl is gorgeous (we are frequently told) but of course, she thinks NO photo of her looks good (despite the non-stop selfie-taking) lol ... so she told me I could NOT use any photos.
I had all but ditched the idea, when yesterday morning she had a brand new emotional meltdown, pissed my wife off beyond the usual, and essentially manipulated a situation with my wife to the point that my wife called ME at work and bitched at ME so ...
Yeah. I went ahead with the photos.
Ahhhh, life's little pleasures.
:)
Couple years ago my wife and I were away for an anniversary weekend. Quaint little inn with a restaurant, and we were a little nervous to be seated for dinner right behind a couple (maybe in their early 30s) with two very little ones - toddlers, so they were capable of getting up and walking around if they decided to.
Anyhow, those kids were so awesome the entire time that we ended up sending a bottle of wine to the couple's room that night with a note complimenting their kids' behavior. Never saw them again, but I can imagine it's a story for them to tell over the years, which was the hope.
Nothing better than when people compkiment your kids ... even when you know they have moments playing the roles of the spawns of Satan!!!
But the drama and the disrespect and mouth I can't fathom. Its horrible. There are days where I want to punch her in the face and she would deserve it clearly.
With the little lady, she loses her patience so quickly. I'm not trying to indulge her tantrums, but yelling more only makes her scream and cry and slam things around more. The only way to get her to calm down is to talk to her and take her mind off of whatever it is that set her off.
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... I'm choosing the positive today. So ... I'll try to stick with a better image and assume you're just having a shit day, or week.
I've seen good things.
Sorry...my attempt at snarky humor didn't work out in this thread full of group kumbayah.
I was totally not serious with my initial post...well, except for not wanting any of you guys or your spawns near my perfect children.
Hmmm...better keep your fire extinguisher handy there Beezer.
Neutered fucks tend to think this way
With the little lady, she loses her patience so quickly. I'm not trying to indulge her tantrums, but yelling more only makes her scream and cry and slam things around more. The only way to get her to calm down is to talk to her and take her mind off of whatever it is that set her off.
Same here regarding me babying the daughter, wife the son
+++
Queue up the Joe Pesci voice from Goodfellas ...
MOTHER FUCK ...
+++
Serenity now ... deep, cleansing breaths ... it's good to get this out of my system ... lol ...
You want your daughter to show her appreciation, right? Forget it. She's thinking of herself right now.
Your immediate reward is the satisfaction that you're doing everything you can do be a good father.
The appreciation comes much later when the examples you've set are seen in the adult your child has become.
*to be a good father*