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NFT: How would you handle this situation?

Steve L : 1/10/2017 7:25 pm
My kids' mom and I have been divorced for about eight years. We are very good friends and an excellent parenting team. She has a live in BF who I like and so do my kids. I have a serious GF as well. I have remained very close with her parents. They are wonderful people whom I love like family. I've known them 20 years.

My ex father in law was perfectly healthy last week. Had a series of small strokes and is being taken off life support tonight. I've told my boys. I am devastated.

I just don't know my place at the funeral. I'm not family but I am. I'm sure my ex is going to want her BF at her side which makes sense. But what about my kids ( they are 16 year old twins)? I'm Sure my ex will comfort my kids as will her BF but what if they want to be with me? I don't "belong" sitting with the family.

Anyone go through this situation?
I wouldn't get caught up in those details  
BillT : 1/10/2017 7:29 pm : link
Just be there and I'm sure those things will work out. I'm sure you ex will have a thought. Call her and ask.
I'm a complete outsider to that situation in nearly every way  
santacruzom : 1/10/2017 7:30 pm : link
But with the relationship you have with the kids, your ex, and even your ex's BF, I doubt you'd be unwelcome at the funeral. I'm sorry to hear about your family's loss... and yes, despite machinations and paperwork that have changed legal status and titles, perhaps he really is part of your family.
Good advice  
Tuckrule : 1/10/2017 7:31 pm : link
I wouldn't worry about your place. He was your family and might I say a close friend for 20 years. You show your support by being there. Where you will sit and all that is secondary. The apprehensiveness your feeling now will change once your there
Sorry to hear that Steve  
David in LA : 1/10/2017 7:32 pm : link
I would run it by your ex, but I'm sure she would have no issue if he is someone you hold in high regard (which it sounds like).
Let your ex wife figure all that stuff out...  
Britt in VA : 1/10/2017 7:32 pm : link
and just be there for support.
RE: I wouldn't get caught up in those details  
yatqb : 1/10/2017 7:32 pm : link
In comment 13320662 BillT said:
Quote:
Just be there and I'm sure those things will work out. I'm sure you ex will have a thought. Call her and ask.


I agree. Let her know you don't want to intrude, but loved her dad and want to be there to honor him and to be there for the kids.
Go with the flow  
well...bye TC : 1/10/2017 7:33 pm : link
offer love and support to all and you cant go wrong.
RE: I doubt you'd be unwelcome at the funeral  
Trainmaster : 1/10/2017 7:35 pm : link
I tend to agree. Ask the ex wife if possible beforehand.
You're there to pay respects to a man  
Cruzin : 1/10/2017 7:42 pm : link

you loved like family. That's your reason for being there first and foremost.

It gets deeper with the different relationships going on but that's all secondary.

Stay alert, polite and try to be helpful.

Sorry for your loss.
Maybe tell her you're there if she needs/wants you to be  
DC Gmen Fan : 1/10/2017 7:44 pm : link
but understand if she doesnt'
actually, I suppose I'm not entirely an outsider  
santacruzom : 1/10/2017 7:44 pm : link
My dad had a heart attack in July of 2014. The day of, the second person I called as I drove up to the hospital in Reno? My ex-wife. And if that heart attack proved to be fatal (it did not), no one would have thought twice about her being at the funeral, given how good our entire family's relationship was with her.
I'm sure you will be accepted  
section125 : 1/10/2017 7:48 pm : link
as well as expected.
If your relationship with your ex and her mom are as close as you believe, there is no reason to think your presence will be unwanted.
Be supportive and you will know if it is time to leave.

Sorry for your loss.
You said that you are both a great parenting team.  
robbieballs2003 : 1/10/2017 7:56 pm : link
To me, that says that there is great communication there so talk to her. As others have said, let her know that you are there and be honest. If you tell her that her in laws still mean a lot to you and you also want to be their for your kids I am sure there wouldn't be an issue. But I also agree with the above poster that says you will do whatever she thinks is best. I am sure she will appreciate that you are looking out for her too.

All in all, it is a crappy situation but do what you feel is right. Obviously, you seem to have a great relationship where you both have put your kids first. This should be no different.
you are family  
markky : 1/10/2017 8:01 pm : link
they will expect and need you there
Thanks everyone  
Steve L : 1/10/2017 8:06 pm : link
I just told my kids what is happening. It was the hardest thing I ever did. It's such a terrible situation.

I never doubted me being welcomed at the funeral. Heck her parents took my GF and I to a ball game this summer. I guess I'm just so concerned about my kids and her. We're not married but we do love each other like family. I haven't seen any other part of her family since the divorce. Even though her and I are close. I'm still nervous. Not that I won't be accepted, I just am.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with her...  
arcarsenal : 1/10/2017 8:08 pm : link
Enough where you can just let her know you want to be there for support and for the kids, etc. I'm sure she'd have no issue with it. I think just being there is fine. Everything else will work itself out. I wouldn't overthink it. Most important thing is being present and supportive.

I think you'll know what to do when you're there. She'll appreciate it.

You don't have to worry about playing a role or anything like that. You have good enough reason to pay your respects and you're just trying to do the right thing. I can't see why anyone would see it any other way.
I'm sorry for your loss.  
GeorgeAdams33 : 1/10/2017 8:14 pm : link
These guys on here have given you some great advice. Chances are that someone else has thought of you and considered your obligation as well.
you take care of your kids  
Dankbeerman : 1/10/2017 8:28 pm : link
the same way you do any other day. your there for them first. they will need you. at 16 they can probably handle most of it but if you can help get them where they need to be, buy them any clothes they might need handle any thing with them missing school. help them with anything they might want to say in remembrance. tell them stories about the man they way you knew him
Understandable to be nervous Steve. You are a good man  
RDJR : 1/10/2017 8:56 pm : link
and need to be there for your children and their mother. Your ex father-in-law would want you there.
Similar situation happened to me  
ChathamMark : 1/10/2017 8:59 pm : link
Divorced 5 years, My ex mother-in-law passed. We had a good relationship, she cared for my children. Went to the funeral/wake, and all was fine. A little awkward, but I suppose it should be.
Sorry for your loss.  
smshmth8690 : 1/10/2017 9:07 pm : link
.
First and foremost, I am sorry for your loss.  
Matt M. : 1/10/2017 9:10 pm : link
Second, you shouldn't get caught up in all of that. If the situation and relationships are really as you describe, then you are still family in many ways. IF your boys need you, you stand with them or at least be nearby. You do belong and it sounds like your ex would agree.
Your children's grandfather just died. You should be with your  
Marty in Albany : 1/10/2017 10:18 pm : link
children. Your ex wife has got enough on her mind with her grief and the funeral arrangements without also being 100 percent responsible for caring for the kids.
I agree with the other posters  
napoleon : 1/10/2017 11:03 pm : link
It is ok to go and show respect for your ex, her family and your love for your children.

I'd argue it looks bad if you don't go.
you will be there to pay your respects to him and the family  
gtt350 : 1/11/2017 12:14 am : link
it has nothing to do with you at all.
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