My Unknown Draft Picks

With all due respect to Dave and Sy, I think I've scouted where no scout has gone before and these players are the gems I've found. It's not too late to pick one or more for your mock draft and not too late for Jerry to put them on their value board. Here then, are my picks.

1. Rodney Morrison, 6’3”, 225 pound wideout from the University of Eastern North by Northwest Michigan. Supernaturally fast, Rodney astounded pro scouts by outracing a horse in the 40 though scouts thought the horse was a better receiver. An extremely bright kid who majored in Exacto Studies, Rodney brings a razor sharp intelligence necessary for the complex routes seen in the NFL. Wherever he goes, he’ll wear his college Number, ½, signifying that he dropped fifty percent of balls. Scouts also feel he can be coached up to number ¼.

2. Beef Tournedo, linebacker, 6”3’, 247 pounds with no fat, from Margarita Mix University, the bartending powerhouse in the collegiate Culinary Division, where chef wannabes practice their mean SOB kitchen behavior on the football field. Nobody is meaner than a pissed off chef and Beef plays and cooks with a mean streak. Beef is majoring in Lamb Shank Preparation with a minor in kitchen management. He is willing to use those skills to help with cleanup after team meals. He has great lateral speed and is capable of chasing down anybody he’s missed tackling.. Versitile, he can play Mike, Sam and the clarinet. “His measurable are off the chart,” said one scout. “He’s got the tablespoon, teaspoon, cup and pint stuff down cold, and in metric. This kid is a recipe for success.”

3. MoMo Spellman, OT, from the fabled Nebraska program at Omaha’s Big and Tall Clothes College. “He plays low,” scouts say “and he can handle the 2 gap, the 3 gap and The Gap, where he works on-the-job training for college credits. As expected, he has perfect measurables. He can be a one technique tackle, a three technique and the innovative no technique, which causes confusion in defensive players, giving himan edge. Scouts say he’s the draft’s only legitimate sleeper since he’s a narcoleptic. “He tricks you,” says Reese. “Are his eye shut because he’s sleeping or is he messing with you?” That half second of doubt is all you need in today’s fast game.

4. Optimus Jefferson, 6’3 little known center fromUniversity of Missouri. Jefferson, 306 pounds of muscle scored a mind-boggling forty nine out out of 50 on the Wonderlic, which he took with his eyes closed. It took a while for scouts to realize he was taking the Small Wonderlic test, which tests knowledge of the television series “Small Wonder.” His only miss was forgetting that Alice Ghostley played Edie McClurg’s sister, Ida Mae Bindle, understandable because Ida Mae only appeared twice in the three-year run of the show.

5. Very little known linebacker Pulmeionarasum Djamisiowhaximos from the University of QNPSTZY, a school known for its pioneering work in eye charts. The pick can fill the NFL’s need for another player with an unpronounceable name Let’s see Phil Simms try to say that name in the heat of a game. In Pulmeionarasum’s country, which is equally difficult to pronounce and also unspellable, his name is an ancient and honored one that means “Go pick some strawberries.” Pulmeinonsarasum is very quick, with great lateral and horizontal movement. He can play both outside and inside, which means he’ll be just as effective in both domed and open air stadiums. He can play Sam, Will, Mike and also an innovatgive LB spot called George.

6. Very few scouts ever take a look at Movado State a college in the Federal Witness Protection Program. Wideout John Doe, (not his real name) from Movado State, is an excellent wide receiver. Movado State (not its real name) has furnished a number of excellent NFL players whom no one is at liberty to disclose, but six of them are on the Bengals. Doe is very fluid and has a well-proportioned, muscular frame and isn’t afraid to go over the middle, a skill he developed in gen pop. Deceptively fast, scouts say he has a quick first step and a couple of extra gears, but they’re on his Miata. John (not his real first name) is quick and fast, runs crisp routes and makes good cuts, a skill he learned in the yard in gen pop. He’s not afraid to go over the middle, a skill he also learned in gen pop. He still has some character issues as it was learned that he was the second person in R. Kelly’s closet.

7. Defensive tackle, Mordrem Mayhem, who more than lives up to his name. He has incredible size that’s been measured at one/fifth of an acre. A left tackle by religion, Mayhem is more than willing to convert to the right side if needed, provided his minister gives him the okay. Very versatile, Mayhem can play out of a three point stance, a four point stance, a two point stance and, thanks to his training in Tai Chi, the Repulse Monkey stance. Mayhem is definitely an impact player.

8. Wong Chang, safety from Combine University, the country’s only school that offers a degree in Combine Drills. Chang, who majored in Bulgarian Squats, caught everyone’s eye with his performance in the three cone drill, which he finished in 2.3 seconds. A disbelieving staff had him repeat the drill with more difficult flavors– chocolate and pistachio, and Chang’s’ numbers were consistently low. “You’ve got to grab a kid who can make it to the ice cream truck in 3.2 seconds.” It’s hoped that Chang, who is Chinese, can use his speed to close fast on tight ends and blitz effectively. He’s expected to be used in the nickel or dime packages. “Nickle, dime — doesn’t make any difference to me,” said Chang.. “I know how to change American money.” Scouts are pleased with Chang’s measurables, but are concerned about his inscrutables.

9. DeMarcus DeMarcus, RB.. DeMarcus, who was named in honor of his last name, “has great measurables,” said Reese, “as well as good edibles. His diet is healthy and fantastic. DeMarcus has flawless footwork and can quickly change direction, even when he doesn’t have to, a habit he needs to break because it causes him to lose position on his receiver. He has excellent ball skills once he sees the ball. Extremely fast, “Once he’s past you you cannot catch him,” says Officer Charles Maarinsky, who unsuccessfully chased DeMarcus after a burglary attempt in Lansing during his junior year. “And he was carrying a twenty inch TV.”

10. Blair Bandwidth , offensive guard, from Sansomite Community College.. Bandwith is a run stuffing guard who has majored in high impact luggage and is a run stuffer who understands collision theory, which he can use to deal with charging defensive players. “They’re no tougher than airport baggage handlers,” says Bandwidth, who has amazing carousel speed. His feet are second to none and has already signed an endorsement deal with Florsheim. Has great quickness and agility but needs to develop a mean streak and is often pancaked at the line of scrimmage because of his natural courtesy. A scout says he has the ability to reach the second level, whatever that means.

11. Rush end, Clemson’s Muhammad Abdul, who was a red shirt from the University of Kurdistan. Constantly haunted by Saddam Hussein’s vicious elimination of his people, Khalid was the only collegian the NCAA permitted to play in a gas mask instead of a helmet. Khalid’s father is a member of the fabled Kurdish fighting force, peshmerga, which means “those who face death.” As a youth, Khalid belonged to a peshmerga offshoot known as smeshmarga, which means “those who face Orlando Pace.”