NFT: Rodney Dangerfeld's greatest lines

Then we met.

After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family.

How ugly was she? They called her a two-bagger. That's when you have to wear a bag on your head in case the one on hers falls off!

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.

I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Looks good on you, though!

"I tipped the taxi driver 20.00 to take me to the easiest lay in town - he dropped me off in front of my house"

"The doctor said I caught a sexually transmitted disease. He got a syringe and gave himself a shot"

"Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home"

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel"

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio"

"I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, 'I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.' He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest"

Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

But hey, I figure I'm lucky: she cut two other guys out completely.

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In comment 13509332 robbieballs2003 said:

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tears in my eyes from laughing.

I can't help but think.. the fat & ugly jokes?? would they fly today? I can see protests!!

Life was funnier back then.

-You too? She's showing it to everybody.

Well, she's very proud of it.

-Hey, I'm proud of mine, too, but I don't go waving it around at parties!

There's no shortage of funny stuff in that movie, but he just owned it.

He said, "Wait 'til it gets warmer."

I was an ugly kid, too. I tried to enter an ugly contest and they said, "Sorry. No professionals."

I paid five hundred dollars for my kid's karate lessons. Now he tells me to eat my vegetables.

And my daughter...she's been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

The doctor said I have 6 months to live. I said I want a second opinion. He said alright you're you're ugly too.

I asked a girl out in school. She turned me down... said she had a class that night.

I said, "That's OK - call me when you have no class."

(This one eventually found its way into the script of Back to School.)

I didn't want to interrupt her.

I've had three puffs since 1965.

you must have been something before electricity

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"Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

...he told me to wear a brown necktie.

Uh, my wife, she's a terrible cook, I mean, I don't think meatloaf is supposed to glow in the dark.

I'll tell 'ya, at my house the roaches started hanging themselves.

..Doc, my teeth are getting yellow^

Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.

yelling Ma, Ma the house is on fire. My wife says QUIET you'll wake your father

In comment 13509419 Greg from LI said:

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I've had three puffs since 1965.

But my wife is up to three packs a day.

of Rodney on Carson. Carson is trying not to laugh so hard but he can't help it.

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and asked the cabbie where I could get a little action in this town. He took me to MY house.

We would write essays about what we will be IF we grow up.

In comment 13509759 averagejoe said:

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and asked the cabbie where I could get a little action in this town. He took me to MY house.

THIS is a great one.

Christmas I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls-eye on the back.

Taking pictures at a kids birthday party.. To little girl, "How old are you?" Girl holds up a five fingers and says, "I'm this" Rodney responds by flashing 2 sets of 10 fingers... Well, call me when you're this!

Doing a puppet show with a rabbit for the same kids. "Hey! Look who's here. It's showtime...Bobby bunny!" A handful of joints fall out of the puppet... The little girl picks one up and asks, "What's that?" Rodney, "Nothing...Bobby bunny just dropped a few carrots."

Remember, the best part about kids is making them.

Rodney was the best.

one time I was missing so they put my picture on a bottle of scotch

that daughter of mine is no bargain either, she has birth control pills shaped like Fred Flintstone!

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She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book

And I should come over. I went over to her house and no one was home.

They were closed on the Jewish holidays

I took it to the body shop.
I said Sal give me a rough estimate.
He kicked me in the balls and said $250!

I asked a cop if he could help me find my parents. He said Uh I don't know son they could be hiding anywhere.

There's nobody home." So I went over.There was nobody home.

Neither one wants to turn over in the morning......

I called the suicide hotline. They put me on hold!

The other night I saw a guy jogging naked in front of my house! I said "How come?" He said "You came home early!"

boy was I ugly ...I was so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!