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NFT: Favorite humorous quotes

gtt350 : 7/11/2017 9:39 am

" How is Art Donavan not on that list the man had Schlitz and baloney sandwiches for breakfast" NFL network commentator on big men

" I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it" Adai Stevenson

" A billion here a billion there soon it adds up to real money" Senator Dirkson
What do you think of your team's execution?  
njm : 7/11/2017 9:55 am : link

"I'm in favor of it." John McKay
"The good news is that we aren't going to die of cancer."  
Moondawg : 7/11/2017 10:03 am : link
C.S. Lewis to the other Inklings when they heard of the outbreak of WWIII

(I tried to find this again and my copy of The Inklings, and I didn't. But I'm pretty sure I read it there.)
WWII  
Moondawg : 7/11/2017 10:03 am : link
.
The key to life  
Gman11 : 7/11/2017 10:04 am : link
is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you got it made. - Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx  
MadPlaid : 7/11/2017 10:07 am : link
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member.
Gman11  
MadPlaid : 7/11/2017 10:08 am : link
HA! Groucho is imminently quotable.
Groucho Marx  
MadPlaid : 7/11/2017 10:09 am : link
If I held you any closer, I would be behind you.
Woody Hayes  
NNJ Tom : 7/11/2017 10:19 am : link
Hayes, when asked why he went for two after final touchdown in 50-14 win over Michigan.

Because I couldn't go for three !!
Hollywood Henderson  
NNJ Tom : 7/11/2017 10:21 am : link
Terry Bradshaw is so dumb “he couldn’t spell ‘cat’ if you spotted him the c-a.”
Take two weeks off, then quit.  
Britt in VA : 7/11/2017 10:22 am : link
.
" Nobody in football should be called a genius  
gtt350 : 7/11/2017 10:23 am : link
a genius is a guy like Norman Einstein" Joe Theismann
I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing  
Taggart : 7/11/2017 10:29 am : link
and the shadow won.

- Ali
RE: Hollywood Henderson  
Beer Man : 7/11/2017 10:50 am : link
In comment 13525177 NNJ Tom said:
Quote:
Terry Bradshaw is so dumb “he couldn’t spell ‘cat’ if you spotted him the c-a.”
Ron Dayne runs through the line like he is looking for a soft spot to land

--- Terry Bradshaw
H L Menkin has a nearly infinite list  
manh george : 7/11/2017 11:18 am : link
Some of them are very dark, like:

Quote:
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.


A lighter one that I like is:
Quote:
For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong


Or:
Quote:
A judge is a law student who grades his own papers.


Link - ( New Window )
You don't understand  
njm : 7/11/2017 11:39 am : link
"You see when the sun goes down and moon comes up I turn into a wolf." Lon Chayney Jr.

"You and 20 million other guys." Lou Costello.
..  
Named Later : 7/11/2017 11:48 am : link
Coach John McKay was full of good quotes. After a loss, Tampa Reporters were grilling him about his game plan.

McKay says, "You guys wouldn't know a football from a banana." So the Reporters had a bunch of bananas delivered to Coach's Office.

After the next week's loss, McKay says, "You guys wouldn't know a football from a Mercedes Benz."
Age and guile defeats youth and strength  
Marty in Albany : 7/11/2017 12:49 pm : link
.
Yogi Berra...  
KingBlue : 7/11/2017 1:10 pm : link
"I never said most of the things I said"
"The future ain't what it used to be"
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore"
RE: Yogi Berra...  
Del Shofner : 7/11/2017 1:14 pm : link
In comment 13525438 KingBlue said:
Quote:
"I never said most of the things I said"
"The future ain't what it used to be"
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore"


"Nobody goes there any more - it's too crowded."

"When you come to a fork in the road - take it."
Ali Again....  
kinard : 7/11/2017 1:52 pm : link
"I'm so fast I can turn off the light and get in bed before the room gets dark"

When he fought Sonny Listen and the experts were saying the small ring would favor Liston - "I don't care about the size of the ring - I'll fight the sucker in phone booth"
Don't let the facts....  
BillKo : 7/11/2017 2:12 pm : link
...get in the way of a good story.
On a fire at the Auburn library that destroyed 20 books...  
Taggart : 7/11/2017 2:16 pm : link
"The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet"

- Steve Spurrier.
"Peter O'Toole has a double phallic name." Groucho Marx  
Victor in CT : 7/11/2017 2:27 pm : link
Groucho to Margaret Dumont: "I can see you bending over the stove. Now I can't see the stove"
RE: RE: Yogi Berra...  
NYGmen58 : 7/11/2017 2:39 pm : link
In comment 13525441 Del Shofner said:
Quote:
In comment 13525438 KingBlue said:


Quote:


"I never said most of the things I said"
"The future ain't what it used to be"
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore"



"Nobody goes there any more - it's too crowded."

"When you come to a fork in the road - take it."


My favorite Yogi quote:

"I can see how he won 25 games. What I don't understand is how he lost five" (referring to Sandy Koufax's unthinkable pitching record in 1963).
Tug McGraw  
Ross : 7/11/2017 2:44 pm : link
When asked what he'll do with the bonus money he gets for winning the world series in 69:

"90% I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste"
Al Franken:  
hammock man : 7/11/2017 3:24 pm : link
I like Ted Cruz probably more than my colleagues like Ted Cruz, and I hate him.
What's the most dangerous section of Washington DC?  
njm : 7/11/2017 5:32 pm : link
The section between Chuck Schumer and a television camera.
Mark Twain has so many there  
pjcas18 : 7/11/2017 5:44 pm : link
is probably a book of them, not ha ha funny, but still good:

Quote:
if every man was rich, every man would be poor


Quote:
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times


just a couple of his off the top of my head, google it I bet there are a lot
The Onion:  
santacruzom : 7/11/2017 5:49 pm : link
Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game

Headlights Caught In Deer

Teenager Bitten By Radioactive Spider Dies of Leukemia
That Tug McGraw quote is great  
lono801 : 7/11/2017 6:19 pm : link
Timeless one from Micky Mantle

If I knew I was going to live this long...I'd have taken better care of myself
.  
RobCrossRiver56 : 7/11/2017 6:42 pm : link
Team Doctor: Bill, he's hurt. I don't think he can play.

Bill: I don't need him to play, I just need him to kick

Team Doctor: facepalm

" don't tell your problems to people"  
gtt350 : 7/11/2017 8:03 pm : link
"80% of the people don't care and the other 20% are glad you have them " Lou Holtz
Nobody has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since 'nam!  
GMAN4LIFE : 7/12/2017 9:42 am : link
lol
I still almost reflexively say, "That's what she said"  
Bill L : 7/12/2017 9:49 am : link
and generally in the most inappropriate of places. But it's so old now that nobody gets what I'm talking about.
More John McKay  
Greg from LI : 7/12/2017 9:51 am : link
We can't win at home, and we can't win on the road, so we're going to ask to play at a neutral site.

We didn't block very well today, but we made up for it by not tackling.

Three or four plane crashes and we'll be in the playoffs.
Blazing Saddles  
MadPlaid : 7/12/2017 9:52 am : link
They said you was hung!

They was right!
Mae West, while visiting Hawaii:  
Mark C : 7/12/2017 10:23 am : link
"Get me back to the mainland, where a lay's a lay and not a bunch of flowers."
I've heard this one attributed to Parcells:  
Mark C : 7/12/2017 10:27 am : link
"For me, going on a diet is like throwing deck chairs off the Titanic."
"never underestimate the predictability of stupidity"  
djm : 7/12/2017 10:46 am : link
So what should I call you - Bullet, or Tooth, or..  
Greg from LI : 7/12/2017 10:49 am : link
You can call me Susan if it makes ya happy.
RE: Mark Twain has so many there  
glowrider : 7/12/2017 11:01 am : link
In comment 13525721 pjcas18 said:
Quote:
is probably a book of them, not ha ha funny, but still good:



Quote:


if every man was rich, every man would be poor





Quote:


Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times



just a couple of his off the top of my head, google it I bet there are a lot


Mark Twain is absolutely hysterical. His quotes and bits of wisdom are innumerable and timeless.

One that I live by is "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
Surely you can't be serious.  
Jimmy Googs : 7/12/2017 11:29 am : link
I am. And don't call me Shirley...
John McKay again  
Bubba : 7/12/2017 11:34 am : link
When James Wilder set NFL single game record for number of carries in 1984.

Reporter:Why did you make him have so many carries?

McKay: "Why? The ball's not that heavy"
RE: RE: Mark Twain has so many there  
Mark C : 7/12/2017 6:46 pm : link
In comment 13526175 glowrider said:
Quote:
In comment 13525721 pjcas18 said:


Quote:


is probably a book of them, not ha ha funny, but still good:



Quote:


if every man was rich, every man would be poor





Quote:


Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times



just a couple of his off the top of my head, google it I bet there are a lot



Mark Twain is absolutely hysterical. His quotes and bits of wisdom are innumerable and timeless.

One that I live by is "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."


My favorite from Mark Twain:
"Politicians and diapers should be changed frequently, and for the same reason."
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