Going through some old computer files and came across this gem. Saved some old ones as I was surprised NFTs weren't being archived. Will delete if there are any objections to posting, but I thought this was a good one.
The Corner Forum
Back to Pete's Corner Click on any handle to view his/her Member Profile.
NFT: Big Al... : jintsfan : 5/21/05 11:40 AM
I saw your comment about me saying T-Bone knew about 9-11, be advised I never said that, you've got me confused with some one else.
Follow up comments...
Please leave Big All alone : Larry in Pencilvania : 5/21/05 11:58 AM
he is at Olive Garden eating the $9.95 all you can eat pasta and salad....he should be back at 4pm
Big Al knows how to eat : rebe : 5/21/05 7:03 PM
and get drunk too. He is forever trying to get in my pants.
jintsfan : T-Bone : 5/23/05 10:04 AM
Either a)you're lying or b)you don't remember or c) you're someone different who just happens to have the same handle. I doubt 'c' is the case based on some of the things you've said over the past few years. I don't know if it's 'a' and in fact I believe it's probably most likely 'b'. You did say that shortly after 9/11. I remember you saying it but don't bring it up because I could really care less how you (and about 99% of the rest of the people on this site) feel about me. I don't even need or expect an apology.
Just because Big Al : brian : 5/23/05 1:40 PM
Got up on the wrong side of the bed doesn't make him a cross dresser.
A ha! : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 1:42 PM
I love a good mystery...
And if T-Bone... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 1:42 PM
says you did it, you did it..
Can I be : bob in tx : 5/23/05 1:43 PM
Ellery Queen?
bob... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 1:45 PM
Of course. I want to be Hercule Poirot...
It was a dark night, because : bob in tx : 5/23/05 1:46 PM
it was late in the evening. Smoke wafted through the smoker car on this dark night. Suddenly, T-Bone appeared.
OK T, : rnargi : 5/23/05 1:47 PM
you realize that there are roughly 5400 members on BBI. That means there are only 54 that you care about how they think of you. After making that statement, I think it's only fair for the rest of us that you name the ones you stay up nights fretting about how they feel about you. So, GO!
He shuddered... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 1:47 PM
from the cold, turning up the collar on his pea coat against the wind. He struck a match on a fire escape and torched the end of his Lucky.
His lucky what??? : Davisian : 5/23/05 1:49 PM
I love suspense novels..
A mysterious looking : bob in tx : 5/23/05 1:50 PM
fat guy bumped T-Bone causing his Lucky to set ablaze his pea coat. T-Bone stared at the stranger.
The glow from the match head lit up his haggared : rnargi : 5/23/05 1:50 PM
face, showing every line and wrinkly amassed in a lifetime of wallowing in the gin joints up and down the coast
bob... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 1:52 PM
I don't wanna play no more...
Chris... : rnargi : 5/23/05 1:54 PM
you should at least illustrate it...
The fat guy had a certain olive complexion : bob in tx : 5/23/05 1:55 PM
that made T-Bone tremor with fear. He returned the stare with a snicker. As T-Bone hitched up his courage to address his new nemesis of the night, the fat guy pointed at T-Bone's pants and said " What's with the toilet paper?"
T-Bone ignored him... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 1:57 PM
and nodded toward a dame standing in the light of a window. She was filing her nails while clinging to a copy of Us Weekly. She cracked her gum and asked T-Bone what he thought of the finale America's Top Model. T-Bone smacked her. Hard.
"There's more... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 2:01 PM
where that came from," T-Bone spat around his cigarette...
The dame... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 2:06 PM
wiped a drop of blood off her swolen cheek, her lip trembling now. She opened her Us Weekly to read about the fall lineup for the WB.
The fat man turned back to T-Bone. The smirk had fallen off his face.
"Where is it?", T-Bone demanded...
"Right here, coffee boy"... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/23/05 2:09 PM
said the FatMan. "Now pay the lady some respect, or be prepared to have a size 13 up your backside."
T-Bone laughed : Davisian : 5/23/05 2:10 PM
And said, "I take size 13's suppositories for breakfast, b!tch."
T-Bone... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 2:12 PM
laughed, the echo shattering the dark silence of the alley. He reached under his coat and pulled out a gleaming silver automatic. Pressing it against the fat man's large forehead, he clicked back the hammer.
"Don't do it!", tha dame screamed.
"Get rid of her. Now." He pressed the gun harder, forcing the fat man's head back.
The FatMan.... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/23/05 2:14 PM
with perspiration glistening his brow, for the first time recognized his mortality. He bagan to sob uncontrollably, smudging the Kiwi polish on T-Bone's Italian shoes.
The FatMan shrieked, "My Lord. You aren't Warren Moon. You're OJ!!"
T-Bone turns the .45... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 2:18 PM
to the dame, his eyes never leaving the fat man's.
"Get rid of her or I will."
"Okay, okay. It's okay baby, you go on ahead. I think The Swan is on tonight. You Tivo it for me, baby. Go on now."
The dame moved away, slowly, fully aware that T-Bone wouldn;t hesitate to pull the trigger. He never did...
Suddenly, through the front window, a flash of light from a badge : The Humongous : 5/23/05 2:26 PM
flickered across T-Bone's face as Officers Miller and Jensen walked into the room. "Evening boys," said T-Bone, "looks like you have some cleaning up to do." Miller took a look at the dame, a look at T-Bone and the thin wisp of smoke still trickling from the 45 like the thin stream of blood seeping from the hole between the dame's eyes and said, "any suggestions on investing my 401(k)?"
A minute... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 2:27 PM
of silence. Another.
"Sorry Al", T-Bone whispered. The fat man's eyes went wide. The big gun jumped in T-Bone's hand, the alley lit brightly with muzzle flash. The fat man's body fell back, smashing hard into the dorty concrete. Motionless.
T-Bone bent down and opened the fat man's coat, pulling out a bulgin manila envelope.
"Thanks, old friend." T-Bone stepped over the body and walked out of the alleyway...
T-Bone, stared, and then : The Humongous : 5/23/05 2:27 PM
in a thin cold whisper replied, "you're government, that's a 403(b) not a 401(k)."
Hours later T-Bone returned to : bob in tx : 5/23/05 2:41 PM
his flat.He sat in his LZ Boy recliner and examined the manila envelope. Then he heard the screech of tires and looking out the only window in his flat he saw Miller and Jensen.
Miller and Jensen... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/23/05 2:45 PM
knocked on the dinged up metallic door. T-Bone mumbled, "Nobody's home". Miller and Jensen took his word and retreated back to their blue El Dorado. Defeated by their own stupidity.
He moved into the bathroom... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 2:46 PM
Sitting down, the porcelain cold on his cheeks, he ripped open the envelope. He pulled out the sheets, and studied them - a print out of a thread on "9/11". He scans it and sees his name mentioned on a post by jintfan. His eyes narrow...
Then another knock on : bob in tx : 5/23/05 2:48 PM
the door. " I said nobody's home". "I ain't nobody" was the reply...and this person didn't sound fat.
Miller and Jensen burst through the door, guns drawn : The Humongous : 5/23/05 2:48 PM
"You're late," growls T-Bone.
Miller speaks up, trying to sound cool, but betrayed but the tremble in his barrel, "I think we're right on time."
"Around here," says T-Bone, "Right on time is five minutes late."
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! : T-Bone : 5/23/05 2:50 PM
I love ya'll man!
At that point.... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/23/05 2:52 PM
Jensen's heart begins to thump. In his mind, he is playing back the medals and decorations of his Father, the Police Chief, and wondering how his impending death will look to the rest of the officers who have charged nepotism since the day he was issued the badge.
Like the FatMan earlier, Jensen begins to sob uncontrollably.
Meanwhile, back in mid-town, : bob in tx : 5/23/05 3:00 PM
the local enforcer for the group known simply as " The Insiders" was trying to decipher a message left by the boss. It read: " SE: quit being such an a**clown". SE stopped and put the note down and thought: " Mid-town?"
Miller looks hard at T-Bone and says : The Humongous : 5/23/05 3:26 PM
"OK, we've got the prints, we know you were at the scene, so just put down the gun and let's talk."
"Prints?" laughs T-Bone, galncing down at the fine leather gloves on his hands, "I don't think so."
Jensen, recovers himself just enough to blubber, "Gloves? So you're the . . ."
"That's right," replies T-bone. "And maybe I know what you want to know, or what you think you want to know, or what other people want me to tell you to think that you know, but maybe I know something else, so come back on Tuesday."
Just then, and imbecile stumbles in muttering, : Randy in CT : 5/23/05 3:29 PM
"RExpecvte?"
Tuesday comes..... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/23/05 3:29 PM
and nothing happens. The same with Wednesday. Unable to restrain his indignation any longer, Fraud Officer Dodd holds a press conference denouncing T-Bone. Miller and Jensen are placed on administrative leave while a full investigation takes place.
None of this changes the fact that a beautiful dame and a fatman are dead.
Along comes Thursday : schnitzie : 5/23/05 3:46 PM
... with eyes glistening like stolen sapphires, beneath the veil of her pillbox hat. Daubing a lace hankerchief on her face, she made it obvious she had been crying.
"I'm Thursday Welles, the Fatman's sister. I heard you're a man who can do things."
T-Bone turned and looked at : bob in tx : 5/23/05 3:53 PM
Thursday. He stuttered" call me Friday". He needed time to think. Didn't she know he was the one that killed the fat guy and that ditzy blonde,Janet? Yes, he needed time to think, so he returned to his thinking room.
T-Bone settled down, then took : The Humongous : 5/23/05 4:05 PM
out the Ignatius Reilly thread. "Gonna be here for a while," he thought.
SE sets aside... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 4:11 PM
the note and turns on his computer. While it loads, he smiles briefly and turns to a list at his side. He writes quickly - " remember to ban poopypants". He nods and opens Map Quest, typing in m-i-d-t-o-w-n.
A knock on the door. SE buzzes the visitor in.
"Hey boss, I have a question", the young man says. SE turns to him, noting the beret and copy of Albert Camus' "The Stranger" poking from his pocket.
"What is it Radar?"
The kid is excited, his hands in constant motion.
"What if there was no advertising for beer? What would happen? Would people still drink it?"
"Not now, Radar. I have an important meeting in midtown. You know where that is?"
"Sure, my Voltaire reading club meets there every Thursday. We each read a work of Voltaire, fail to understand it, and then discuss it and its sociological impact on amel-female relationships."
SE nods, then quickly writes "and stupidhead as well"...
Bahahahahahahahahahaha : Randy in CT : 5/23/05 4:13 PM
"We each read a work of Voltaire, fail to understand it, and then discuss it and its sociological impact on amel-female relationships.""
"amel-female relationships," thinks SE, : The Humongous : 5/23/05 4:15 PM
"Either that kid can't type, or his freudian slip is showing." "Well looks like another word to add to the banned list."
"I wish... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 4:15 PM
I wasn't dyslexic", thinks SE as he adds "fart" to the list...
Before SE could close Map-Quest, a : bob in tx : 5/23/05 4:17 PM
shot rang out. Then another and another. SE hit the floor and immediately tasted the warm, sticky blood filling his mouth. He was hit! SE stopped chewing his ggum. What was ggoing on?
As his vision faded... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 4:19 PM
the last thing SE saw was a man in a wizard hat with black curls falling to his ears. The room went balck as he approached...
Krhis n Fillee : schnitzie : 5/23/05 4:20 PM
amel tout splickety!
Hey! : T-Bone : 5/23/05 4:33 PM
What happened to me?! Am I still readying Ignatius Reilly?
Uhhh : T-Bone : 5/23/05 4:34 PM
make that "reading"...
T-Bone... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/23/05 4:40 PM
wakes up, wipes the drool from his mouth, gathers the papers strewn across the floor of the stall, and flushes.
His brief nap has revitalized his senses and he prepares for the evening. He puts on his cross holster, filling it with two .45's, covers them with his blue, crushed velvet jacket, and doffs his tam o' shanter. He steps outside into the cool air and here's a heckle from Drunk Don. "Where you going, Rudy? To see Fat Albert?" T-Bone takes out his steely weapon and puts a bullet through Drunk Don's heart, bloodying his Leo Sayer t-shirt.
"What a waste of good lead", T-Bone says as he ambles towards the next event......
He steps to.. : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 4:46 PM
the curb and signals for his driver. A dark blue BMW pulls silently before him. He gets in the back, motioning to the bald man with leather gloves manning the steering wheel.
"Where to, sir?" The driver sets aside the American Heritage he was memorizing.
"Midtown. And I need to be ther yesterday."
"Yes, sir", the bald man grins.
The tires squeal as the BMW explodes into the night...
This thread really is a lot better.. : shepherdsam : 5/23/05 4:46 PM
with "Harlem Nocturne" playing in the background.
T-Bone was a man of few words, though : bob in tx : 5/23/05 4:48 PM
he used those few as often as he could in rambling dialogue with complete strangers who never knew it he was trying to make a point or if he was agreeing or disagreeing with them but his manner was always polite, so, he had that going for him. Plus, he could use a .45.
The bald man... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 4:51 PM
turned while he was driving.
"Darbies", he said.
T-Bone lifts his head, rattling the ice cube in his empty snifter.
"What?"
"Darbies. It's another word for manacles. I just read it in the dictionary."
T-Bone pours another glass of brandy and says, "Just drive."
In midtown.... : bob in tx : 5/23/05 4:55 PM
Radar crawled out of the office when the man in the wizard hat said " gget me a doughnut. A gglazed one".
As they approach Midtown.... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/23/05 5:01 PM
T-Bone pauses to see a shirtless deranged man muttering, "He isn't showing. The faggott isn't showing. Ha ha ha ha ha." The bald man intones, "The crazies. They all hang out at 51st and Park."
The gleaming BMW... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 5:07 PM
slows to a stop at a traffic light. On corner are two men, each shirtless and posing for the other. They flex their muscles and shout with glee. T-Bone reaches for his .45, but the light changes. He files their faces away in his mental file...
LOL! : T-Bone : 5/23/05 5:08 PM
This is great. It's like I'm really there! But...not.
Just then, Radar dashes across : bob in tx : 5/23/05 5:14 PM
the street in search of a doughnut shop when he spots Thursday Welles and officers Miller and Jensen sipping pina coladas on the veranda at Trader Vics.
The bald man... : Chris in Philly : 5/23/05 5:18 PM
slams on the brakes. The BMW squeals to a stop, but it's too late. The famous grill smacks into Radar, knocking him to the ashpalt. The bald man gets out and goes to him.
Radar is foggy, blood oozing from a gash under his beret.
"He tries to speak. "Have you...read...Plato's Symposium."
The bald man nods. "Of course."
Radar coughs. "What was Alcibiades thinking?"
Before the bald man can answer, Radar falls into unconsciousness. T-Bone steps up from behind.
"Call an ambulance for this punk, we got sh!t to do. Move it."
They get back in and pull away, the bald man cvalling On Star for medical help. And directions to midtown...
The conversation soon turns... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/23/05 5:19 PM
unintelligible. While Jensen prattles on about subduing a suspect in Central Park, radar asks the uniformed duo if they know why sex is used in advertising. Miller breaks off on a tangent saying that he doesn't watch TV because he can't justify the cost of cable. He cobbles together hangars for a rudimentary antenna.
Just then, Officer Miller's radio blares, "We got a Code 13 at Park and........" nothing but static. Jensen calls his Father, the Police Chief to ask what a Code 13 is, while Miller scrutinizes the food bill and radar is blathering on about disliking sex. The surreal scene comes to a close as the officers hop into the El Dorado.
Yeah, yeah!!! : T-Bone : 5/23/05 5:20 PM
I wanna slap some more people! A good punch to the groin would be nice too if you can fit that in there somewhere.
T-Bone delivers an uppercut... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/23/05 5:21 PM
to radar's groin doubling him over onto the asphalt. Now the last two posts are back in sync.......
BEAU : T-Bone : 5/23/05 5:27 PM
TIFUL!
The BMW whizzes past the : bob in tx : 5/23/05 5:33 PM
blue El Dorado. Miller and Jensen look at each other and their minds meld without speaking. "Follow that car" orders Miller. Jensen gets out and starts running down 51st.
About : Suburbanite : 5/23/05 7:39 PM
5 minutes later, the glimmering Beemer has lost the Keystone Kops. T-Bone steps into a seedy alley and takes one step forward and two steps back. He takes another step forward and two steps back. He looks beside him and sees an animated ferret in a fedora standing next to him.
He's confused. "Poison. It must be poison." T-Bone mutters as he looks at his empty brandy snifter. "Or it could be my unrequited love for Paula Abdul showing up in the form of an 80's flashback."
Everything fades to black......
T-Bone... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/24/05 7:45 AM
opens his eyes. Groggily he squints to focus. He is having trouble breathing due to the bright red ball-gag. He sees an image who looks like Jensen prancing around to Donna Summer's "Last Dance", clad is a t-shirt that says, "Long Live Zed".
Miller is still in the El Dorado, wondering if he was overharged twenty cents at the cafe.
Dream sequence.... : bob in tx : 5/24/05 9:53 AM
T-Bone fades into unconsciousness and images of last summer return. He is standing at the altar as Thursday Welles walks down the aisle. Make that, waddles down the aisle. Many of the wedding guests smile as the happy couple begin to exchange vows. Suddenly, T-Bone looks at the preacher...he's the man in the wizard hat.
The wizard nods, leans forward and whispers to T-Bone " It's time". T-Bone turns toward Thursday and grunts " Screw the wedding".
Now there's one thing that's missing from this thread... : T-Bone : 5/24/05 9:54 AM
and that's more ....!
T-Bone slowly regains : bob in tx : 5/24/05 10:04 AM
consciousness. What was that voice in my head? He thinks, it sounded like my cousin...could that be it? T-Bone rises to his feet and spots a figure in the shadows. "I'm losing it" he mutters. To T-Bone, the figure seems to be dressed as a WWI fighter pilot.
T-Bone... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/24/05 10:06 AM
is jolted out of his coma-like state by the searing pain of a riding crop across his buttocks. WHAP!!! He hears Jensen's throaty cackle and for an instant he flashes back to an encounter with Mistress Petula in an Amsterdam nightclub years ago. Although he wants to give into the pleasure, the cackle is too much to take.
He frees the bound hands, and in one motion rises to his feet. Jensen can barely assess the situation before his neck is broken by T-Bone's meaty claws. As he leaves the dank basement, T-Bone says, "I hate disco, biotch".
Arising from the dank basement : Davisian : 5/24/05 10:12 AM
T-bone's eyes adjust to the sunlight. As he fumbles out the front door, grabbing Jensen's keys to his Chopper, he fails to notice the tripwire attached to the cowbell hanging from the door.
"More Cowbell," thinks T-Bone, "where did that come from?" : The Humongous : 5/24/05 10:23 AM
"From a cow," replies Matt Jones, standing there drinking a scotch, "had to punch a hole in it, just to see through to the other side."
Meanwhile... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 10:25 AM
the man in the wizard hat stands at the bar, 4 empty shot glasses sit empty before him. The bartender slides a plate before him. The man shakes his head.
"You didn't separate the meat from the fu¢king dairy, Carl!", he screams. With a blinding move, he sweeps the plate away. It smashes against the wall, bits of food sliding to the floor.
"Sorry, boss."
The man shakes his head again and pulls a small electronic device from his pocket. His fingers play gently across the buttons, caressing the black plastic. With a sharp intake of breath, he presses the button.
Across town, the glass windows of Eagle Strike Productions explode in a firestorm of shrapnel. Plumes of smoke rise from the crumbling building.
The man in the wizard hat laughs.
"How's that for an insider?", he mumbles to himself..
T-Bone is seeing double. : bob in tx : 5/24/05 10:25 AM
"Is that you, Jonesy?". "No", says the man in the wizard hat.
"How did I get : bob in tx : 5/24/05 10:27 AM
in this bar?", T-Bone asks.
"I'm glad... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 10:31 AM
you could make it", the wizard says.
"What is this place?"
"It's a bar, you idiot."
"Oh."
The wizard smiles. "Have a seat, T-Bone. You and I have a lot to talk about."
T-Bone instinctively reaches under his coat, but his trusty .45 is gone.
"You'll get it back", the wizard says. T-Bone nods and sits down.
"Carl, a plate of herring for our guest. Now, T-Bone, I understand you and I have certain mutual acquaintances."
T-Bone sits silently, then a grin spreads across your face.
"I get it now", he laughs...
"What's inportant, is not how you got in this bar," : The Humongous : 5/24/05 10:35 AM
snarls the man in the wizard hat, "but the fact that it Tuesday, so spill it, T-Bone, or should we call you glove . . ."
The wizard is interrupted by the crunch of the cyanide capsule in T-Bone's mouth.
"Eli and Plaxico weren't enough to convince you," gasps T-Bone, "well, all I can say is take a good look at the kid from Yeshiva and think 3rd round . . . "
At that moment... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/24/05 10:40 AM
Jonesy sprints over, pries T-Bone's mouth open, cleans out the area of cyanide with his tongue and says, "Mmmmm, breakfast."
In a darkened corner of the bar : bob in tx : 5/24/05 10:41 AM
sits Commissioner Dodd. He steps forward to see T-Bone's spastic body writhing in agony on the floor. Dodd and the wizard leave the bar believing T-Bone is dead. Dodd pulls out a cell phone, calls Miami and says " tell Cane the barber is next".
[note to editor: Jonesy enters after Dodd and the : bob in tx : 5/24/05 10:43 AM
wizard leave]
T-Bone gasps, looks at Jonesy, and says : The Humongous : 5/24/05 10:49 AM
"Thanks. Hey, you're Matt Jones. So did you really run the Hill, while Carrying Ron Dayne, and beat Tiki?"
"While drinking a scotch, don't forget that," says Jonesy.
(this is great : Berrylish2 : 5/24/05 10:50 AM
but it needs illustrations, CiP)
With the Wizard... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/24/05 11:04 AM
and Dodd gone, T-Bone looks for his driver. Unfortuantely, the bald man has been detained by a throng of teenagers looking for autographs. In a scene eerily reminescent of a Miller Light commercial, half are yelling, "Look at me Mr. Damon", while the rest are chanting, "Cabin Boy! Cabin Boy!"
T-Bone begins walking slowly down the alley. With Dodd and the wizard burnt into his memory and a splitting headache from the brandy, the hallucinations of the ferret, and the tension from the ball-gag.
Suddenly it hits him, "it wasn't Joe in NJ, it was Chris in Philly." : The Humongous : 5/24/05 11:12 AM
T-Bone eventually returned to his : bob in tx : 5/24/05 11:48 AM
flat. He had much to consider concerning the past 24 hours.Had he really killed 4 people? How were Dodd and the wizard connected? Who would move on in AI? And, where was his beloved Thursday? Did she still regret his abandoning her at the altar? Would she ever understand? The four double scotches didn't ease the pain...nor the shame of what he had done to Thursday. As he drifted off into dreamland he feared what tomorrow would bring. Little did he know, that as he slept, a speedboat had departed Miami heading north up the Atlantic coast.
Water splashed over... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 11:56 AM
the windscreen. The rumble of the big motor drowned out all but the loudest sounds. The palm trees flew by as the big cruiser made its way up the intercoastal waterway. Capt. Don called down the cabin. "Send up a sandwich when you're done."
The cabin was cloudy with cigratte smoke. Four people sat around the lone table, tossing cards and chips around with abandon.
"I call", said Peter Brady.
"No, I want to call", Greg Brady interjected.
"Greg, let Peter call." Mike Brady nodded knowingly.
Jan slammed her cards to the table. "I can't take you amateurs. I'm going to go slip into my best swimsuit and sunbathe."
"But it's night", Peter retorted, but was set silent with the icy glare of those piercing blue eyes...
As T-Bone awoke the next morning : The Humongous : 5/24/05 12:00 PM
he sensed, from far away, the speedboat making its way up the Intercoastal Waterway. "Shockey's coming," he thought. "It's all gonna be all right."
The boat... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 12:27 PM
slipped silently to the dock. A longshoreman roped it tight and lowered the ramp. Jan emerged from the cabin and stepped down the ramp, her black heels clicking on the wood. She had a long black dress slit up til Tuesday. A long cigarette dangled from her red lips. She had it, and she knew it.
A man stepped from the darkness, his face still obscured by shadow.
"Do you have it?" The voice was dark and hard, like it swallowed a razor blade.
"Yes", Jan whispered. "Where's my money?"
A suitcase slid from the shadows, skidding to Jan's manicured foot. She didn't have to check. It was all there. It always was.
"Boys", she cried.
Greg, Peter, Mike, and Capt. Don carted out a gurney from the cargo hold and moved it down the ramp. On the gurney was a man, a man wearing a Warren Sapp jersey. He was bound to the gurney and his mouth was gagged.
"How do I know it's him?", the disembodied voice asked.
"Captain, take it off", Jan directed.
The Captain loosened the gag and removed it. The bound man coughed and said "Tiki sucks."
"That's him. Good work, beautiful." Jan didn't smile but her eyes said it all. She slinked off into the night, Peter grabbing her suitcase. Mike, Greg, and Capt. Don followed behind...
"Slit til Tuesday?" said Don, as they walked off : The Humongous : 5/24/05 12:37 PM
"Hush hush," said the mysterious stranger, "Keep it down now, voices carry."
It was well past noon when : bob in tx : 5/24/05 12:44 PM
T-Bone managed to get out of bed. He punched the flashing light of his telephone and listened to his meassages.
"Mr. Bone, you're already 2 months late with the rent and I'm afraid...". Screw her, thought T-Bone, what's she gonna do, repo my Denzel?
" Listen, and listen good. The Insiders will be meeting at the Park Avenue Athletic Club in midtown. Today, at 2 p.m. We can deal then".
T-Bone recognized the voice. And, it wasn't his cousin...
This is the single : T-Bone : 5/24/05 12:56 PM
greatest story ever told. It's better than Gone with the Wind, E.T., and Friday (the first one, not Friday after Next).
Promptly at Noon... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/24/05 1:02 PM
T-Bone heads out to meet the Insiders. As he gets to the front gate, he finds a disheveled Miller. T-Bone glares at him icily and says, "You, again". Miller says, "Yes. Me. What did you do with Jensen?"
T-Bone thinks for a moments and says, "I iced Summer. Where did you go?" Miller then rambles on about losing it regarding the tab at dinner and some story about getting kicked out of the apartment by his ungrateful Mother-In-Law. By the time he finished, T-Bone was already two blocks closer to Midtown.
Dodd and the wizard were : bob in tx : 5/24/05 1:08 PM
in the bar at the PAAC. A limo pulled up and two well known gamblers from California emerged. No one knew their true identity, but the wizard recognized Annika and the Quail.
The gamblers... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 1:24 PM
stepped into the bar. The wizard greeted them, but the Quail didn't seem interested.
"I bet you $10 I know what color your socks are", the birdman said.
"Take it easy, Nathan Detroit", said the wizard.
Annika was beaming. "I just won large on the featherweight championship!"
"How much?", asked the wizard.
Annika did some mental calculating. "Four dollars and eighty-seven cents. In your face and enough said."
"Okay, gentlemen, can I have your attention please? Can I ask you all to join me at the bar?"
The birdman looked around. "I bet you $40 there are 23 people here."
"I'm not betting, now stop it", the wizard surprised even himself by the volume of his voice. "I'd like to welcome all the members of our Insiders Society. It's good to finally put faces with the names. Now, who are we missing?"
The door swung open and Jan appeared in the doorway, her long coat flowing behind her.
"You're missing me", she said. And with a soft "clink", the pin dropped from the grenade and she tossed into the mass of Insiders. Jan flies back through the door, leaving the scrambling men to trample each other. A second. Another. BANG!
Across the street the stranger quietly chuckled to himself. : shepherdsam : 5/24/05 1:30 PM
"Nice try Jan, but you can't kill me."
"I have been here always and always will remain."
Katcavage then climbed into his four door Honda and drove off into the night.
But a bus... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 1:31 PM
runs a red light and slams into the little Honda, crushing it like a tin can...
The driver of the bus laughs maniacally... : shepherdsam : 5/24/05 1:34 PM
"Next stop, Syracuse..."
"Or Secaucus, I can't remember anymore..."
"And please, no chips on my bus."
As Jan climbs back..... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/24/05 1:40 PM
into the car and vacates the area, a man furiously scribbles down some numbers.
He will hold onto the news for a week. Just then, the man is startled by a booming voice, "Hey buddy. I'll take a foot long all the way. And make it snappy."
"Oh f@ck, not again." : shepherdsam : 5/24/05 1:42 PM
said the foot-long.
Five minutes after the explosion... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/24/05 1:49 PM
at PAAC, a strange man emerges from the shadows. He thinks about entering the smoldering building but instead dips into a crevice and lights up a rock of crank. "Ahhhh, the stuff in Cali is much better, but this will do", he snarls through his rapidly decaying teeth.
The man at the hot dog stands asks him, "Hey buddy, ju wanna winner? What's your name Holmes?" The crank addict reels off five different names in 20 seconds. Lighteneing quick response given his addled state. The vendor quickly realizes this is not somebody to make small talk with. He instead dials the phone and tells his buddy, "Bet the Marlins to win the World Series in 2003".
Amidst the rubble that was once the : bob in tx : 5/24/05 3:29 PM
PAAC, the body count is impressive. The wizard,Dodd,Annika,the Quail...all dead.T-Bone surveys the carnage from across the street. Who else knows the secret? He needs to get a message to Thursday...but how? Should he go to the safehouse in Wilmington N.C.? T-Bone scans the contact list on his cell phone...it's time to call Artie.
Great : T-Bone : 5/24/05 3:54 PM
F-in story...GREAT F-IN STORY!!!!
The phone rang... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 4:01 PM
Artie put down the turkey leg and licked the grase from his fingers. His meaty fingers rapped around the phone.
"What is it?", he growled. He listened silently, then hung up the phone without another word.
"Larry?"
Artie pulls the cord lift his enormous body from his chair.
"Larry, get in here."
The door slides open and a quiet man enters. He makes no sound, not even his footsteps. He pushes his glass up his nose.
"Larry, we're getting called back."
Larry nods. His voice is barely audible. "Can I bring my iced tea."
"Yes you can bring your iced tea, now go get the car. And pack the cooler. We're stopping at KFC on the way."
Larry nods again, moving quickly at the door. It's been a long time since he's been outside. He's happy now, for the first time in years...
As T-Bone mulls over his... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/24/05 4:07 PM
options to flee, he sees a familiar face to his side - - Officer Miller!!!
"You again?" T-Bone grumbles, "Yep." T-Bone shakes his head and says, "I won't be able to shake you, will I?" Miller responds with a terse, yet pleasing "No.".
"What do you want?" T-bone huffs. "Actually, I want an advanced degree so I can get out of this job. I'd also like a fine dining experience at Applebee-like prices. And furthermore, I'd like..............."
Before Miller could finish, T-Bone saw his opportunity to move on, and he did.
Ok... : T-Bone : 5/24/05 4:08 PM
how bout a good sex scene! Not too graphic though...gotta think about the kids...matter of fact, ya might wanna make it short and sweet...so a guy like Big Al can relate.
Sorry T-Bone... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/24/05 4:12 PM
film noir was big on the mystery and light on the sex. We already gave Jan a high slit in the dress. That'll do for now.
T-Bone grunts... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 4:13 PM
He drops the Victoria Secret catalog and steps from the stall. He taps his .45 and smiles, ready for his next move...
Done... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 4:14 PM
.
"Pontificate". : bob in tx : 5/24/05 4:15 PM
" p-o-n-t-i-f-i-c-a-t-e. To speak in a pompous manner".
" I pay you to drive,not spell" T-Bone snarled while slapping his driver's bald head.
" Now, get me to Pier 21. I'm meeting someone from Miami".
Fats : T-Bone : 5/24/05 4:19 PM
Fair enough. Can I have a car chase at least?
CiP- THAT'S why you're my man! That's all I needed.
The BMW : Dave in D.C. : 5/24/05 4:25 PM
pulls away, the driver muttering about the nine mistakes he found in the latest Merriam-Webster, when suddenly Jensen pulls alongside in his father's Chevrolet.
T-Bone whips out his .45 and tells the driver, "drive like you're conjugating a verb at your 7th grade spelling bee you bald bastard!"
"Take a little... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 4:25 PM
off the top", Margie growled.
The barber held his scissors tight against Margie's head.
"Johnny Ola is showing me around tonight", Margie said. "I want to look pretty."
As he closed his eyes to dream of tropical fruit salad, Larry slipped in without a sound. He silently takes the scissors from the stunned barber and continues cutting. With his other hand, he reaches beneath his black coat and pulls out a long, gleaming blade. He places the blade against Margie's throat. His eyes open in panic.
Artie steps in. Margie's body droops, knowing he is breathing his last breath.
"You've been a bad boy, Margie. I thought my accounting was off, but I never expected you. I trusted you Margie."
Margie tries to speak, but the blade is pressed harder against his neck.
"You broke my heart, Margie." Artie shakes his head and looks away. "Do it."
Margie's muffled scream is cut short. The room is silent. Larry wipes his knife on the barber chair and asks, "Can I get some iced tea now?"
Artie nods. "Let's go."
OH MY GOD! : T-Bone : 5/24/05 4:27 PM
THEY KILLED MARGIE!
As the bald man.... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/24/05 4:27 PM
runs through the recesses of his mind to remember the Greek roots to the words cache, speculative, postulate, and gastrointestinal, he fails to notice the black sedan rapidly gaining ground on the glimmering Beemer.
Suddenly a shot rings out. Glass shatters. The bald man's arm begins to ooze a deep shade of crimson. "That mutherfucker just blew out my tinted window!!! He's dead meat", the bald man shouts. Wasting do time, he puts the car into a forced spin and pulls out a Colt .45 while still holding onto the wheel with his right hand. One shot was all it took. The sedan crashed up against a fire hydrant sending a geyser of water skyward.
T-Bone checks the driver, an emaciated looking old man. "No pulse. Dead." He then notices a mangled German Shepherd in the back seat. He has no idea who this was and why they were following him, and the chance to get a good guard dog is now gone.
As Artie Exits the Barbershop : Dave in D.C. : 5/24/05 4:27 PM
they see a gleaming BMW being chased by a Chevrolet....
Okay who the frick just died?!?!?! : shepherdsam : 5/24/05 4:30 PM
Was that me or Lowell?
Check for Canadian plates.
shep : T-Bone : 5/24/05 4:36 PM
I'm not sure who is who. I've been able to tell who some of the characters are but not all of them. That's what I'm lovin about this story so much. Finding out who you guys are going to include next in the story. I think I'm going to need some credits after the story it over.
The auditorium... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 4:37 PM
lights are dim, but the stage is brightly lit. Dr. Stephen Hawking sits in his wheelchair before a glowing projection screen. His computerized voice is hypnotic.
"So as we try to uncover the elusive unifying theory between general relativity and quantum mechanics, we encounter a number of obstacles."
The quiet of the packed room is shattered by a piercing cell phone ring. The crowd angrily looks around, searching out the culprit. There are gasps as Hawking reaches into his coat and answers the phone.
"I can't take calls right now."
The voice on the other hand is panicked. "It's happening. It's happening now."
Hawking's eyes widen as he makes up his mind. He puts his phone away and stands. The crowd gasps. He steps away from the wheelchair and sprints off the stage. The crowd can't contain their shock. But one man can see the truth.
"I don't think that was Hawking. But my god it looked like him."
Hawking's doppleganger sprints out the stage door and leaps into an idling pick up truck, his head bumping against the butt of a muddy shotgun.
"Get me the fu¢k out of here", he screams. The driver puts down his harmonica and they squeal away toward New York...
Artie and Larry... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/24/05 4:37 PM
barely notice the commotion of the car chase. Artie is busy going over the fastest routes to the Bronx in order to complete a long unfulfilled goal to blow up a landmark, and Larry is as aware as he is inconspicuous.
Meanwhile, back at the culmination of the car chase, T-Bone keeps wondering why someone with Massachusettes plates was following him? The bald man is in agony, partially due to the car being damaged and partially due to the hunk of flesh ripped from his bicep. "We gotta get you to a doctor, quick" says T-Bone. The Bald Man has two choices. A tanned, elderly physician who is only referred to as Bruce in the Black Book, or a guy named Dr. Ken, who they can't determine if he is a doctor or a misfit.
They decide to dial Bruce, even though the area code is unfamiliar.
and possibly... : shepherdsam : 5/24/05 4:37 PM
some toilet paper?
that was for : shepherdsam : 5/24/05 4:37 PM
T-bone (obviously).
(Dammmit, I have t work) : schnitzie : 5/24/05 4:38 PM
(I can't wait to read this when I get home. Carry on....)
shep : T-Bone : 5/24/05 4:42 PM
Nah, won't need that. I've been following the thread too closely. I AM going to print it out though and save this thread. This has been a classic. I wish I could be as funny as these guys are...that's why I'm not trying to jump in on the story...I'm afraid I'll mess it up.
But the call gets misdirected : bob in tx : 5/24/05 4:45 PM
to BSA HEADquarters. " Slappy in Tracy, how get I help".
As Artie and Larry scrounge for a Quarter : Dave in D.C. : 5/24/05 4:47 PM
a Napoleonically short, musclebound man in Diesel jeans admires himself in the store mirror. "I've got to get to Hawking before they do."
The phone rings... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 4:49 PM
Bright sunlight splashes off of the red desert rocks, filtering into the bright bathroom. Dr. Bruce lays in his bubbly tub reading a book called "Tantric Sex for Dummies". He is highlighting the good parts. The phone rings again. He presses the button on his speaker phone.
"Yes?"
"Doc, it's T-Bone." T-Bone's voice is haggard and excited. Unusual.
"What is it T-Bone?"
"Doc, it's my driver. He's fu¢ked up bad. He needs help."
"I'm in Arizona, T-Bone."
"You are? Wait, that's liek Las Vegas or something right?"
"Sort of, what's wrong with him?"
"He took a bullet. And someone fu¢ked up his Beemer. It's bad."
Dr. Bruce put down his book. "OKay T-Bone, relax. I;'m going to tell you how to get the bullet out. Do you have a knife?"
"Yes." T-Bone leans over his driver in the car with a large hunting knife.
The driver shrinks back. "This guy is a doctor?"
"Let's do this", T-Bone says and moves in...
Shorty McMuscle : Dave in D.C. : 5/24/05 4:52 PM
sees the commotion and offers T-Bone his assistance. "I've been in a lot of gyms and know my way around the good stuff." T-Bone hands him the knife and the telephone.
Shorty... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 4:54 PM
unbuckles the driver's belt.
"What the fu¢k are you doing? I'm shot in the arm!", the driver screams.
"Oh, right, sorry."
Shorty starts to install a Columbian necktie on the driver as T-Bone : Randy in CT : 5/24/05 4:56 PM
interjects, "Wait, no! stop! We want to SAVE this buttmonkey! Dr Bruce! Talk to Dr Bruce!"
Damn! : Randy in CT : 5/24/05 4:56 PM
I like yours better
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : T-Bone : 5/24/05 4:57 PM
"You are? Wait, that's liek Las Vegas or something right?"
Bruce tells Shorty to relax : Dave in D.C. : 5/24/05 4:57 PM
"here will be time later for that, now focus! By the way, do you like sunsets?" T-bone grabs the knife back from Shorty and takes the driver's arm.
"Chew on this" he says, handing the driver a copy of Men's Health he found rolled up in Shorty's back pocket.
Back on the other side of town... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/24/05 5:03 PM
Artie and Larry are waiting for a meeting. About a block from them, the Ambulatory Stephen Hawking confers with his driver, "You do the job and you get the crisp C-Note. You got me?" The driver shines a toothless grin. "C-note. Alriiight. Now maybe I can move up to a double wide and shoo the drunken Indians from my doorstep." Hawking tells him to calm down and do the job first before having any visions of grandeur.
Artie and Larry see the Escalade approaching. The gun of the engine was the last thing Artie heard, the whale of a car taering into his body. A few years earlier, he may have absorbed such a blow, but now, he's high-grade dog meat roasting on the asphalt. Larry strands to the side. It was like he was never there at all.
Larry Wanders Away : Dave in D.C. : 5/24/05 5:10 PM
as if in a dream. "Was I there?" He asks himself as the flickering light of the streetlamp guides him toward the darkness.
Ahead he sees his refuge, a samll nondescript bar made of broken dreams and stale beer.
He enters.
"Wadda'll have?" asks the barman.
"Diet coke, lime, no ice."
Looking to his left he sees a pony-tailed old man with a look on his face of time and worry. In front of him, on the bar, is a camera.
Larry slides over and stares at the man.
"You lost? the man says, his pony tail waving behind him. "Maybe I was never found." says Larry.
Larry extends his hand. After a moment the man takes it, saying "they call me Ollie, or at least they used to. You got a couple of hours to hear my story?"
" Ptooey". : bob in tx : 5/24/05 5:17 PM
T-Bone spits out the 9mm slug from his driver's arm.
"Thanks, boss, who'll I ever repay you".
" Your wife still get a discount at Thom McCann's?"
Just then, T-Bone noticed the weather was getting bad.
" Looks like we might be in for a hurricane".
And, out from the shadows stepped the man from Miami.
Jan sits in a black leather chair... : Chris in Philly : 5/24/05 5:22 PM
her long finger gently circling the rim of her wine glass. A soft whistling hum lofts from the glass. She stops, lifting the glass to her full red lips, taking in a delicate sip. She smiles at the rich burgundy nectar, her tongue running softly along her upper lip.
"Miss Brady?", a voice calls from outside. "He's here."
She stands, straightening the silk blouse against her shoulders. She would touch up her makeup, but she doesn't have to. She never does.
"Send him in."
Radar enters, pulling his beret off his head. He's never been this close to a woman before, and certainly not this kind woman. He stutters, intimidated by her appeal.
"I, I, saw it happen."
Jan approaches. He holds his breath as she draws near, the hair standing up on the back of his neck. Her eyes are hypnotizing. Her scent...she smells of happy memories.
"What did you see?"
"I saw, I saw what...what the Wizard did."
"Did you? And why don't you tell me what you saw?"
She steps even closer, his heart is pounding, his mouth is dry. He can't take his eyes off of her luminous lips.
"He...he killed the censor. I don't know his name, I only know what he does."
Jan puts her hand on his shoulder. He jerks back involuntarily. She smiles, "Shhhhh." She rubs his shoulder.
"You didn't really see that, did you?"
"Ma'am?"
She puts her hand on his trembling cheek, her thumb brushing away a solitary tear.
"You didn't see anything."
He is lost in her eyes, he has never felt this way before, and he doesn't even feel the blade slide into his midsection. Radar slides off the blade and crumbles to the floor, the expression on his face is happy. He died happy.
"Capt. Don?", she calls. "Get rid of him."
BEST. FEMME. FATALE. EVER. : schnitzie : 5/24/05 5:26 PM
C'mere...
" Talk to me, Cane". : bob in tx : 5/24/05 5:33 PM
T-Bone knows he's overmatched is the smarts department when it comes to Cane. Few men know what Cane knows. But, T-Bone knows this...or at least he thinks he knows it.
" Your cousin has been causing some trouble, T. And, it has to stop".
" Too late" answers T-Bone " it's out of my hands."
" Too bad. I guess you're gonna miss Thursday".
Capt. Don replies... : shepherdsam : 5/24/05 5:34 PM
"There is only one way to clean this up."
"Bring me a shed and get GiantKurt on the phone."
Capt. Don Nods : Dave in D.C. : 5/24/05 5:35 PM
"Yes Mistress"
As he wraps the body in the 1600 count sheets she hands him a bottle of Thunderbird.
"Don't open this until he's 6 feet under."
As the door clicks shut Jan picks up the phone and calls the bar, "keep giving him iced tea until I get there, and don't let the photographer stop talking."
poor : Berrylish2 : 5/24/05 5:37 PM
radar didn't even get a grape nehi before his demise!
Berrylish : T-Bone : 5/24/05 5:42 PM
I know right! radar didn't even have a good 10 minutes before he got whacked! He must be black in this movie. ;-)
The Bullet Safely Removed : Dave in D.C. : 5/24/05 5:46 PM
T-Bone asks Shorty, "can you drive? I need a drink, and I need it now."
"Yeah I can drive, does the seat go forward?"
The three men enter the bar, nodding at the two men in deep conversation at the other end. T-Bone notices the conversation is one-sided.
"Beer" asks the barman.
"I'll have scotch" says the Driver, "and pour it liberally."
" I know you called Artie,T". : bob in tx : 5/24/05 5:49 PM
T-Bone's eyes gave him away. Had Cane spotted Artie on his trail?
"Don't worry, Larry's safe...for now. But, Artie, well he sleeps with the fishes. The Tuna to be exact. BAHAHAHAHA" and the Cane started to cough up a greenish, orange sputum unrecogniable to T-Bone.
"Artie got to big for his britches."
Following the three men into the bar... : shepherdsam : 5/24/05 5:51 PM
A German shepherd limps up to the bar.
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw" he says.
The : Suburbanite : 5/24/05 6:23 PM
sign on the outside of the bar said it all - - - "The Courtroom".
The bald man says, "So this is what one looks like." He gets off the stool and does his best Daniel Caffee impression, "YOU WANT THE TRUTH??" In the shadows, a man mutters, "Enough playing court. You'll have plenty of the real thing in the not-too distant future."
T-Bone asks, "Who are you?". The fellow, emerging from back of the saloon can't be more than 5'5" and he looks smarmy, "I'm a special agent. But that inconsequential. I know Sh!t."
The three men at the bar say in unison, "You don't know Sh!t!" The small, weasely guy says, "I know Bo rocks, that Locke is a tortured soul and that the New Orleans Saints are in the NFC West." The three men nod in unison, "You do know Sh!t!"
The slick, fast talker says, "Look. Here's the situation. You've left a lot of bodies around and some more bodies that aren't your fault but will get pinned on you. You see, when you killed Jensen, the Police Chief went nuts. Bodies plus an angry chief adds up to a world of trouble. You understand?"
T-Bone, recognizing the graveness of the situation puts his hands on his head and for the first time shows a crack in his blank exterior. The greaseball leans forward and gives T-Bone a card. It says, "Solomon, Oglivie and Thomas Insurance." On the back is an address.
He feels uncomfortable following the directions of a hack insurance salesman but he realizes he needs any help he can get - - even if it's bad help.
T-Bone, the bald man, and the man who was previously in the shadows leave the bar for the address on the card. Meanwhile, the shark pulls out a phone. All he says is, "They're on their way."
I've got a : Davisian : 5/24/05 10:49 PM
preliminary edited version of this story with handles (and some posts,) ommitted and other posts more connected..
e-mail if you want a copy..
Davisian : T-Bone : 5/24/05 10:51 PM
You tryin to black market my thread?!
Hell no : Davisian : 5/24/05 10:56 PM
This the greatest BBI story ever told! I thought it might look pretty cool as read by a shorty story, without handles. Of course, its still a work in progress.
I agree : T-Bone : 5/24/05 10:59 PM
and have said so many times throughout this thread. It'll be interesting to see how long these guys can keep it up and how the story ends.
I just hope I don't get killed. That would suck.
Nah.. : Davisian : 5/24/05 11:11 PM
This has "continuing detective story" written all over it. These guys are too greedy. They'll never give up the potential sequel profit.
The bald man..... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/25/05 7:31 AM
slows the dinged up Beemer in front of a seedy building in the Bowery. He leans back to T-Bone and says, "Dilapidation. D-I-L-A-P-I-D..........oops, I forgot to use it in a sentence"
T-Bone gives his now customary slap to the bald man's head and says, "Is this the right address?" "Yes boss" replies the Bald Man, the sentence wiped from his mind by the jarring blow.
The man from Miami, T-Bone and the Bald Man exit the vehicle. In front of them are two unusual men who look to have come right out of a 70's sitcom casting photo. T-Bone looks upward and sees a window with a buxom figure in the glowing, red shadows.
He turns to the Bald Man and says, "take care of the riff-raff out here. I'm going upstairs to get answers." As the bald man approaches the two men cleaning their glasses he is felled by a blindside blow to the head. One of the men stops wiping the lens, takes off his plaid jacket, and lays it over the Bald Man. "Sleep tight, Webster."
He then turns to the man from Miami and says, "Good work. The slimy insurance guy tipped us off."
Meanwhile : Dave in D.C. : 5/25/05 7:43 AM
Back in the bar the man with the ponytail and Larry remain. Larry spits a lime from his mouth and interrupts the man in mid-sentence, “I was sent here to confiscate your camera, don't make this any harder than it has to be.”
”My camera is my window to the world, I'll do anything, please, anything if you let me keep it.”
”What do you know about Mr Numbers?”
”I don't know what you're talking about!”
Slap! Larry backhands the man, “so that's how it's gonna be, huh? I'll take that camera now old man.”
”OK, I'll tell you, I'm dead anyway. He uses numbers to analyze people. Things like femur length, 40 times, and yards after the catch. He's crazy as a loon and I haven't seen him around in a while, but I know he's here. He's everywhere.”
”Is that it?” asks Larry as he peels another lime, “cause if it aint I'll come back here and let you finish your story about bedding that girl in the schoolyard in Brooklyn back in the '50s.”
”There is one more thing, the wench named Jan does his bidding…they work out of some old warehouse....they call him Mr. Syracuso...I swear, that's all I know.”
Half a continent away, : Dan, who Doesn't post : 5/25/05 8:26 AM
The man they call Roberto de Tejano shakes himself awake and recognizes his spacious surroundings as the interior of a double-wide. He looks to the floor and sees an equally spacious set of lady's undergarments and is suddenly conscious of a woman's voice singing in the shower.
"Four hungry children and a crop in the fieeeeeelllld," he hears as he glances floorward again. "46," he guesses as he picks up the really unmentionables. "Cripes, 52," he verifies. He is two days late for his rendezvous with T-Bone and his date with the man from Philly to pay what he owes.
If I get out of this, he vows, she can keep the car.
[note to editor: Dan, this is NOT : bob in tx : 5/25/05 9:14 AM
an autobiography]
LOL! : T-Bone : 5/25/05 9:37 AM
...and so it continues....
Jan,Larry and Ollie take a scenic : bob in tx : 5/25/05 9:48 AM
drive through midtown in route to the warehouse in the bowery. The cobblestone streets cause the minivan to bounce joyously reminding each occupant of kinder,gentler days gone by. What happened to them during the passing years? Had they failed to recognize the simple,pristine beauty of the law or a neighborhood of friends or even the exquisite yet complicated twists of a lime? How had their recent interactions caused such a big blue cloud of despair to deliver them to this dilemma?
As they arrived at the warehouse, Cane peeled and orange and T-Bone loaded his .45. Upstairs, the man from Solomon,Ogilvie and Thomas Insurance and Mr. Syracuso awaited.
Suddenly, an agnry man steps into the scene : The Humongous : 5/25/05 10:08 AM
an Uzi in each hand. "Insiders," he screams, "none of you are insiders. You don't know sh!t. Tell me which assistant coaches are leaving or you are all dead. I am the Yiddishe Kong!!"
No double... : Chris in Philly : 5/25/05 10:20 AM
dipping characters please...
Sorry Chris : The Humongous : 5/25/05 10:36 AM
SE then swoops in, "you are an imposter. "Banned, banned for all eternity." The man with the uzi runs off.
Things were staring to come together.... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/25/05 11:21 AM
In the warehouse, you had all of the pieces to the puzzle for T-Bone to put together, but one loose cannon was still amiss.
Outside the warehouse an Escalade emerged. Its small, toothless driver is still daydreaming of the new lava lamp he will get for his upgraded double-wide back in the Southwest. Raindrops clang off the roof while the Ambulatory Stephen Hawking contemplates what to do next.
"Hey Boss", snivels the dental-challenged midget, "we should wait for the rain to stop, dontcha think?" Hawking doesn't say a word as his stare is focused on the blurred shadows inside the large warehouse window. "Jackpot" he rasps.
Oooooooo : T-Bone : 5/25/05 11:33 AM
the plot thickens!
Capt. Don... : Chris in Philly : 5/25/05 11:50 AM
has dropped off his passengers except for Jan. He pulls the Bentley along the dark, rainy streets and pulls up to an abandoned warehouse.
"Stay here", she says and enters the building.
The enormous warehouse is empty except for a table sitting alone, bathed in light by a sole spotlight. Her footsteps echo as she approaches the middle of the room.
"You're late", a Voice says from the darkness.
Jan smiles and lights a slender cigarette, exhaling the white smoke in a gentle plume. "You're early."
The man laughs and steps into the light. He looks like Marky Mark had a not-so-handsome twin brother.
"So what brings you to these parts?", he asks.
"Work. And maybe a little pleasure", she tosses her hair back and flashes her pearly white teeth.
"You always did mix business and pleasure, Jan."
"It's good to like what you do."
"Yeah, but you like it too much."
Jan's smile fades slightly, her hand inching toward the 9mm hidden on her thigh. The Voice laughs and Jan relaxes her hand.
"So you wanted some local muscle?", he asks.
"I just need some bodies. So to speak." Her smile returns.
"I've got two perfect candidates. Boys!"
A large door slides back and two men enter from the hazy night. One is big, burly. He wears a kilt and looks to be drunk already. The other is smaller, his eyes dart back and forth like a caged animal. Maybe a mongoose. Or maybe even a ferret. Anyway.
"Boys", the Voice says. "Introduse yourselves to Ms. Brady."
The bigger man erupts in what can only be crying, or is it? He speaks in a barely intelligible Scottish brogue. "My WIFE LOOKED like you 'cept she suz FRENCH!"
The younger, smaller man pauses, then speaks. His words are like a chainsaw, and they come fast. "Please respect Ms. Brady, what percent of assassins are Giants fans?"
The Voice smiles and Jan returns it.
"They'll do. They'll do just fine." She turns to her new underlings. "Go get in the car." She nods to the Voice who returns to the shadows...
In the warehouse the scene turns surreal.... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/25/05 11:55 AM
there are six people gathered, seven if Larry is counted, and they all have an agenda to push, yet they all seem to be in their own world.
The man from Miami takes a bite out of his orange and whines, "Dammitt, that's not one of Florida's finest. It's a cheap California imitation!!"
Jan stares at her nicely manicured feet, but focuses on the fact her second toe is longer than her big toe. No amount of allure can hide this from a conisseur of digits.
Ollie is taking photos of the woodwork and waxing poetically to himself on the fact that he was shooting 18th century teakwood. Brought to the US through slave labor and installed by Polish immigrants which was evident by their inconsistant placement on the floor. He will amuse himself with this historical lesson for the next 45 minutes.
The smarmy insurance salesman keeps hiding his face by staying in the shadows. He doen't want to be seen. Fifteen minutes ago, Jan disagreed with him on what shade of lipstick she was wearing. He is just now coming out of hiding from that exchange.
Mr. Siracuso tells everyone to be quiet because he thinks the room is bugged. He pulls out a suitcase that contains hundreds of computer disks and he starts cataloging them.
T-Bone is sitting there thinking about Tuesday and his encounter with Thursday. He breathes a sigh of relief that Officer Miller has dropped out of his path.
Everyone has questions that need answers and yet, nobody wants to start the meeting. The tension is high and time is running out.
Meanwhile, the brothers watching guard approach the Escalade. They knock on the window.......
The air... : Chris in Philly : 5/25/05 12:04 PM
in the jungle is dense and thick. Sounds, strange sounds, come from every angle. His binoculars fog from the humidity.
Prof. Rhett Paul sinks back into the ferns. His assistant wipes his brow.
"Did you see anything, Professor?"
"No", Rhett sighs. "Nothing yet, Baron."
"We'll find them, sir."
Rhett forces a smile, "Yes, son. Yes, we'll find them."
"I mean, it would be crazy to come all the way to the Congo looking for dinosaurs if they weren't here, right?"
Rhett stares him down. "That will be quite enough, Baron. Tell your Cousin we will camp here for the night."
The sound of a broken twig, they turn and it's already too late. They stare up the long blowtube of an angry native. They are surrounded. Rhett knows what is next...
cut...Cut...CUT!!!!! : T-Bone : 5/25/05 12:09 PM
I think we have two storylines here fellas. Fats must've been writing his while Chris was writing his. Let's go with Chris's since Fats was the last guy to post a peice and then if Fats can pick up where Chris left off everything will be...what's the word...kosher?
AAAAAAAAAND BANZAII! No wait...
AAAAAAAAAND ABRACADABRA! No, that's not it...
AAAAAAAAAND ACTION!
DAMN IT! : T-Bone : 5/25/05 12:11 PM
-
To break the silence, T-Bone : bob in tx : 5/25/05 12:12 PM
puts two slugs into Larry.
"You didn't need him,didya?"
Jan slowly takes a drag on her cigarette, flicks the ashes on Larry's stiff body, she sighs " He was useless".
Now there are only six in the warehouse.
T-Bone and his crew... : Chris in Philly : 5/25/05 12:15 PM
run out leaving only Jan and the Voice in the dark...
There... : Chris in Philly : 5/25/05 12:15 PM
now we're back on track...
***sniff*** : Davisian : 5/25/05 12:15 PM
So long Larry.. You were.. um. Tolerated..
Excellent job : T-Bone : 5/25/05 12:21 PM
fellas!
Davisian- LOL!
T-Bone passes a lone hotdog vendor on the way out of the warehouse : The Humongous : 5/25/05 12:30 PM
"Hey, I hear we're going to draft Eli, what do you guys think?" says the vendor as they pass, his voice almost drowned out by the sound of German Zeros overhead.
Having excaped his dire situation, : Dan, who Doesn't post : 5/25/05 12:44 PM
Roberto heads to the airport, full of burritos and remorse. He realizes he's two days late and about $50,000 short. He considers hocking the Gulfstream, but quickly decides against it.
"Fock it," he thinks, suddenly wondering how many good decisions have ever followed that phrase. "The man in Philly is reasonable and T-Bone will understand."
He is wrong on both counts.
Roberto boards a Southwest flight. On takeoff, : bob in tx : 5/25/05 1:02 PM
the plane explodes into a ball of flames and all passengers are killed.
LOL! : T-Bone : 5/25/05 1:29 PM
For some reason bob is DETERMINED to kill off Dan's guy! Hilarious!
While the remaining six... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/25/05 1:33 PM
ponder the impact of Larry for five seconds, the two brothers outside engage the Escalade.
The man in plaid approaches the toothless driver. "What are you doing here on this rainy night." The shrimpy trailer inhabitant doesn't know what to say. His neurons fire more slowly than even the retarded. "Hummmmph" he grunts.
Growing tired of this imbecile, the other brother cracks the dwarf with a fierce impact from his fist and brass knuckles. Blood streams from the idiot's left ear and his temple while Hawking squirms in the back.
The man in plaid says, "What's up Pops?". Hawking, confused by the colloquialism stays silent. The other brother tires of this duo's insistence to not answer questions and puts a bullet in each of Hawking's legs. As Hawking flails in pain, a card fiels out of his jacket.
While the groggy dunce in the front seat moans in pain, and the now inambulatory Stephen Hawking tries to stop the bleeding in his legs, the man in Plaid throws a Molotav Cocktail into the Escalade. Two minutes later, the vehicle blows up, startling the six in the warehouse.
The man in plaid looks at the card. It says, "Thursday Welles. 212-555-9875"
Roberto, we hardly knew ye. : Dan, who Doesn't post : 5/25/05 1:45 PM
Bob, that was funny enough that I can forgive your wanton destruction of my plotline.
Dan: your memory is : bob in tx : 5/25/05 1:48 PM
scary.
Bob : The Humongous : 5/25/05 1:54 PM
it's all the time he spends not posting. Helps the higher mental functions. You see it here all the time. Every single long-time poster has been accused of sliding downhill, not like the good old days when all they did was "talk football." Coincidence? I think not. [/sarcasm]
Oh my god, LOL : BigBlue26 : 5/25/05 2:47 PM
How in the world did I not see this thread until now???
Heeeeey look who's here! : T-Bone : 5/25/05 2:53 PM
Isn't it about time for another sex scene fellas?
The desert air is crisp... : Chris in Philly : 5/25/05 3:00 PM
and dry. Dr. Bruce's feet kick up dust as he jogs over the red dusted mountain. He stops briefly to admire the beauty of a gila monster, then begins his run anew.
Atop a craggy bluff, he rests, squirting water over his head from his sports bottle. He snaps open his cell phone and hits Redial. No answer. Again. 'I wonder why Joey keeps ignoring me', the Doc thinks to himself.
Before he can ponder any further, the serenity of the lonely mountaintop is shaken with the whump-whump of a helicopter which rises from the valley. It sets down nearby, dust swirling in the wake of the powerful rotor.
A woman jumps down from the cabin, stooping below the rotor, and steps up to him. Her long blonde hair is tucked under a pair of headphones, her flight suit doing no justice to her shapely figure.
The Doctor puts down his water bottle as she approaches. As recognition kicks in, he explodes in joy and hugs the young lady who awkwardly hugs him back.
"My favorite niece", he yelps in delight. "How did you find me?"
"Uncle Bruce, we're a hundred feet from your house."
The doctor turns and sees his adobe hut. 'Hmm', he thinks. 'I thought I ran farther.'
The blonde pilot squints against the bright sun. "Anyway, you have to come with us. They have a mission for you."
"A mission? For me? I lost my field rating years ago", he says, shaking his head in memory of the legendary mistake which cost him his job.
"It's been reinstated. C'mon." He follows her back to the helicopter and and buckles himself in the back seat. A folder sits next to him. The pilot can read his mind.
"It's your undercover identity. Memorize it."
He nods and opens it as the helicopter zooms away. The front page is two simple words - "BURL IVES".
Back at the warehouse, the scene... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/25/05 3:17 PM
is still bland.
Jan says, "What do you want?" Nobody is sure who she is referring to, so there is no answer. The Bald Man is trying to determine if the concussion from the car blast outside should be referred to as a verb or a noun. T-Bone stares blank into the air, still sickened by Jensen's rendition of "Last Dance".
Ollie finally steps forward and says, "This reminds me of the Medici family gatherings. Back in........" Before he could get another word out, Mr. Siracosa screams, "Enough already!! Let's get this going. I need to take my meds."
As they scan the room, it becomes obvious. T-Bone wants Thursday today. Jan wants someone to see her legs, but not to look at the clawtoe. The Bald Man wants to do another Daniel Caffee impression. The insurance salesman wants to know what everyone else wants. The man from Miami wants to be Champ. The Champ of anything. In a room full of silence, Mr. Siracosa wants peace and quiet. He wants the voices to stop. Ollie wants the opposite of Mr. Siracosa.
This impasse appears frustrating to everyone in the room.
Capt. Don... : Chris in Philly : 5/25/05 3:26 PM
was not wearing a waiter outfit. His name tag said "José". Jan nodded to him as she walked by into the main area of the club. Gone was the long black coat. A glimmering silver dress higged every curve as she moved through the room. Heads turned. Men, women, it didn't matter. Her hair was hidden under a jet black wig, bangs hanging down over her intense green eyes. She smiled at a clock on the wall and it stopped.
In the far corner, a man sat at a table crowded with empty bottles and an overflowing ashtray. Two bulky man sat beside him, lazily looking around the room. The man wore a dated US military outfit. Jan recognized the 1st Air Cav patch on his shoulder. His heated conversation on his cell phone came to an abrubt halt when Jan approached.
Jan drew a slender cigarette out of her barely there purse and held it in her blood red lips.
"Gotta light?", she asked from behind her raven bangs.
The two beefy men fumbled for matches until shushed by the military man. He told his called he'd call them back and pulled out a black zippo, striking the wheel and producing the familiar acrid smell of fire that reminded Jan of her mentor. Bending over the table, she drew in the flame and took a long, sensuous drag. Time stood still before she let the smoke curl out of her mouth.
The military man held the burning lighter for a moment before coming to his senses. "Do I know you?"
"No", she said, examining the glowing embers. "But I know you."
The man smiled, relaxed. "And how is that, young lady? WHat do you know about me."
Capt. Don bends in with a tray and a glass. "You're drink, madame", he says. She takes the glass, shimmering with clear liquid. She holds the glass up to her mouth. She runs her open hand through her hair, brushing back the bangs from her face. Her tongue plays circles over her lips. The men stare. The military stares at her eyes - greener than jade and twice as beautiful. There's something. Something familiar.
Jan toys with the plunging neckline of her shimmering dress. "I know..."
"Yes?"
"I know you're a liar. Your military record is a farce and I've been paid to punish you for it." She tosses the glass at him - the sulfuric acid splashes his bare skin. His screams are barely heard over the throbbing music. The two bodyguards leap back in horror. Jan reaches beneath her skirt and produces two small 9mm handguns. She empties both clips into them and stands to face Capt. Don who watches the writhing fraud clucth at his peeling skin.
"Let's go", she says, peeling the black wig off and tossing it onto the fading criminal...
...Because of his recent mistakes, Officer : bob in tx : 5/25/05 3:53 PM
Miller has been demoted to walking a beat. While duly humiliated he takes comfort that had he received the appropriate financial advice before attending the police academy, he would, in all likelihood, have earned a gold shield by now.
As Miller strolls through the bowery, his attention is drawn to a silhoutte appearing from the window of nearby warehouse.
'Funny', thinks Miller, as he glances at his watch( a Seiko given by his parents upon graduating from the academy...though they never answered his questions whether it would open doors for him later in life) ' it's 5:01 p.m. Most people all already home from work'.
Miller approaches a door marked " STAY OUT" and though he hears 3 gunshots fired from within, he walks away.
Jan returns to the warehouse. : The Humongous : 5/25/05 3:57 PM
"It's done, she says to T-Bone."
"Looks like we have some time to waste," says T-Bone, leering at Jan. "So, how do you like your steak?" he murmurs suggestively.
"Bloody," replies Jan with an icy stare, "besides don't you have an appointment with Thursday? You wouldn't want to disappoint her."
"Thursday?" says T-Bone, backing away ever so slightly, "I keep thinking it's Tuesday."
T-Bone finds a bottle of Chianti : bob in tx : 5/25/05 4:13 PM
in the wine cellar of the warehouse, breaks it open across the skull of his driver, and pours two glasses.
Jan has the unmistakeable beauty that he mistaken believed was only possessed by Thursday.
"So, Jan, how do you know Thursday".
Jan turned away but T-Bone grabbed her by the arm and spun her toward him so their faces were inches apart.
"You heard me...how do you know Thursday?" T-Bone demanded shaking her shoulders.
Tears began to form in Jan's eyes, her lower lip quivered...he had seen that look before when he abandoned Thursday at the altar.
"She's my,my sister"
T-Bone immediately sensed he was being played for a fool and slapped Jan across the face.
The force of the blow was more than even T-Bone had expected...but it delivered the message.
"She's my daughter"
Another slap knocked Jan to the floor.
"My sister" she cried. This was very confusing to T-Bone.He knew the warehouse didn't have any reading material in the stalls, so the old pains began to return. In a disgusted fit of uncertainty, T-Bone grabbed the bottle of Chianti and again smashed across the skull of the bald driver.
"Give me some privacy," said Jan. : schnitzie : 5/25/05 4:14 PM
"Yes, ma'am," said the driver. As the bulletproof plexiglass divider hummed to the closed position, Jan flicked the cellphone open and pushed 7 hard and long. The top third of her irridescent crimson thumbnail cracked under the pressure and flew across the compartment. "Aw hell." "Is that how you say hello to me?" "Sorry, boss. It was something else. Nothing." Jan reached into her purse for a cigarette. "Did it go like I said it would?" "Doesn't it always?" "I'm proud of you, baby." "Guy went yard three times after the last treatment." "You know who's next." "I'll give him a choice. Hit or be hit." "Good." "You still pissed?" "Of course." "I don't suppose it makes you feel better that he's injured now." "Of course not." "I'll do better next time." "Eisner's getting antsy. Keep me apprised." "Will do, boss. See ya." Jan's mentor had already hung up. She threw the phone down on the seat and fished in her purse for a light. "Where the..." And she remembered. The gold engraved lighter was still sitting on the bedstand where she'd last lit up.
Meanwhile, lying on the floor : The Humongous : 5/25/05 4:16 PM
a single tear drips from Jan's eye as she whispers "no, my lover, but no one may ever know," softly to herself with a quiet sob.
(ack phuque) (formatted) : schnitzie : 5/25/05 4:16 PM
Yes, ma'am," said the driver.
As the bulletproof plexiglass divider hummed to the closed position, Jan flicked the cellphone open and pushed 7 hard and long. The top third of her irridescent crimson thumbnail cracked under the pressure and flew across the compartment.
"Aw hell."
"Is that how you say hello to me?"
"Sorry, boss. It was something else. Nothing."
Jan reached into her purse for a cigarette.
"Did it go like I said it would?"
"Doesn't it always?"
"I'm proud of you, baby."
"Guy went yard three times after the last treatment."
"You know who's next."
"I'll give him a choice. Hit or be hit."
"Good."
"You still pissed?"
"Of course."
"I don't suppose it makes you feel better that he's injured now."
"Of course not."
"I'll do better next time."
"Eisner's getting antsy. Keep me apprised."
"Will do, boss. See ya."
Jan's mentor had already hung up. She threw the phone down on the seat and fished in her purse for a light.
"Where the..."
And she remembered. The gold engraved lighter was still sitting on the bedstand where she'd last lit up.
(Oh please, that Chinatown stuff sux) : schnitzie : 5/25/05 4:18 PM
(Jan ain't no Faye Dunaway.)
I just have to say that this thread LITERALLY had me : BigBlue26 : 5/25/05 4:43 PM
laughing out loud. I had to close my office door so I didn't look like a nutcase in here laughing to myself!
Dam : T-Bone : 5/25/05 4:46 PM
bob...so close to another sex scene and then the twist!
Fine!! I finished! : bob in tx : 5/25/05 4:47 PM
Not another word from me.
Sorry : T-Bone : 5/25/05 4:48 PM
bob...please by all means...continue...by the way, weren't you supposed to come to my wedding?
The man in plaid... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/25/05 5:02 PM
came rushing into the warehouse. He steps up to T-Bone and says, "I think you might be interested in this" and hands over the card taken from the nonambulatory, blown to bits, Hawking.
T-Bone snarls at the Bald Man who is covered in Chianti, "Gimme the phone". The Bald Man hands over the piece and T-Bone dials anxiously. There is no answer, but rather a recording, "Welcome to Blue Angel Flight Service. I'm unable to take your call, but if you leave a name and contact information I'll get in touch as soon as possible."
T-Bone hung up, but the sultry voice on the machine told him all he needed to know. The slimy insurance man had been eavesdropping. He piped up, "Blue Angel huh. I hear they fly private planes to places like Hawaii, Alaska, and Arizona."
Something clicked with T-Bone as soon as he heard "Arizona".....
. : Dave in D.C. : 5/25/05 5:07 PM
"Batteries?" said Jan laughingly, "this model is a two-stroke and you'd better open a window big boy."
Oops! : Dave in D.C. : 5/25/05 5:10 PM
wrong story.
Great read...thanks : Reese : 5/25/05 5:11 PM
"Open the hood," Jan instructed the driver. : schnitzie : 5/25/05 5:19 PM
"Take it out and put it in the back," she said. "What?" "The battery. We won't be going anywhere for a while." The driver hoisted out the Bentley's battery, dutifully deposited it on the floor of the passenger compartment, and stood to await further orders. "Now take a hike," said Jan. The driver looked confused. "Just walk. We'll catch up with you in a bit." The driver shrugged, pulled out a smoke, and slowly walked along the empty highway. Before Jan could count to ten, a mint condition MGB convertible pulled up behind the Bentley. As instructed, Thursday Welles arrived alone. Jan motioned her inside the larger car.
(SH*T! Formatted!) "Open the hood," Jan instructed the driver. : schnitzie : 5/25/05 5:22 PM
"Take it out and put it in the back," she said.
"What?"
"The battery. We won't be going anywhere for a while."
The driver hoisted out the Bentley's battery, dutifully deposited it on the floor of the passenger compartment, and stood to await further orders.
"Now take a hike," said Jan.
The driver looked confused.
"Just walk. We'll catch up with you in a bit."
The driver shrugged, pulled out a smoke, and slowly walked along the empty highway. Before Jan could count to ten, a mint condition MGB convertible pulled up behind the Bentley. As instructed, Thursday Welles arrived alone.
Jan motioned her inside the larger car.
"Arizona?" thought T-Bone. : The Humongous : 5/25/05 5:22 PM
After a pause he turned to Janet, "Well we've been in the adirondacks, we've been to the Congo, now it's time to go to Arizona. And on the way there, let's figure out how to end this thing."
"End this thing of ours," says Janet. "Oh you poor deluded man, it's only just begun." "July 28 is over two months away, we've got nothing but time."
"You're no longer the boss Janet, says T-Bone, "now let's get to the airport."
Awwww, c'mon bob! : schnitzie : 5/25/05 5:23 PM
It was just a little hiccough. You were doing so good....
(Too late, Dave) : schnitzie : 5/25/05 5:24 PM
(I ran with it.)
Reese : T-Bone : 5/25/05 5:36 PM
LOL! I can't believe you even got my picture in there!
The man in Philly : Dan, who Doesn't post : 5/25/05 9:56 PM
takes a look around his perpetually unfinished basement and groans. "When's that Texass SOB gonna get here with the money, so I can finish this damn thing," he thinks as he takes a bite out of his Tony Luke's, munching as Pat "the Bat" strikes out again. Pat "The Asshat," is more like it, he thinks.
Why'd I ever get involved with that Somerset Bastard T-Bone to begin with, he regrets, not knowing that the Texan with the cash is smithereens somewhere over Arkansas.
Just HAD to take a shot : T-Bone : 5/25/05 10:31 PM
at Somerset didn't you?! Just couldn't leave it alone could you?!!
The man from Jerkwater, USA, complains : Dan, who Doesn't post : 5/25/05 10:38 PM
that his hometown has been dissed. "Hey, shut up," the man with the unfinished basement exclaims. "Yeah," says the FatMan, "Remember what happened to Roberto."
The room goes quiet.
"Do tell. What happened to Roberto?" The man from Eagle country inquires.
Although the story is far from finished... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/26/05 8:53 AM
here is a list of credits to date (in order of appearance):
T-Bone - Tate Larenz
The Fatman - Dom Deluise
Janet - Paris Hilton
Miller - Aston Kutcher
Jensen - Christian Brando
Dodd - Dennis Farina
Thursday Welles/Pilot - Scarlett Johannson
S.E. - Pee Wee Herman
Radar - Grant Shaud
Drunk Don - Dudley Moore
Bald Man - Chris Elliot
Wizard - Jerry Adler
Carl - Ned Beatty
Jonsey - Arnold Schwarznegger
Peter Brady/Man in Plaid - Christopher Knight
Greg Brady/the other brother - Barry Williams
Mike Brady - Don Stark
Jan - Nicole Kidman
Capt. Don - Larry Drake
The Miami Man/Cane - Gary Busey
Annika - Farrah Fawcett
Quail - Burt Reynolds
Katcavage - Alan Thicke
Hot Dog Vendor - John Leguziano
Toothless crank addict - Nick Nolte
Artie - Richard Simmons
Larry - Alan Smithee
Slapnuts in Tracy - Jeffrey Jones
Margie - Frankie Avalon
Emaciated Man -Martin Landau
German Shepherd - Bingo
Ambulatory Stephen Hawking - Christopher Reeve (Computer Animation by PhilSilvers)
Toothless Driver - Clint Howard
Dr. Bruce - Elliot Gould
Shorty McMuscle - Naim Suleymanoglu (voice over by Harvey Firestein)
Ollie - Alan Rachins
Slimy Insurance Salesman - Joey Slotnick
Roberto de Tejano - George Lopez
the Voice - Donnie Wahlberg
Burly Man - Steve Schirripa
Mongoose/Ferret - Corey Haim
Prof. Rhett Paul/Baron - Discredited actors from "Battlefield Earth"
For clarification purposes... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/26/05 9:40 AM
the story isn't over, just a partial listing of the credits has been given.
Bob, CiP, chop-chop with some dialogue.
LOL! : T-Bone : 5/26/05 10:01 AM
Fats, I like it! But it's Larenz Tate, not Tate Larenz. Good choice by the way!
But as a backward... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/26/05 10:04 AM
leading man, at least to this point in the story, I found it fitting.
I see! : T-Bone : 5/26/05 10:16 AM
My bad!
I'm actually most proud... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/26/05 10:18 AM
of the casting choice for Shorty McMuscle, except only Olympic fans might get the connection.
FMiC : Reese : 5/26/05 10:59 AM
The voice over by Harvey Firestein makes that selection golden.
I don't think the Pocket Hercules can act, : Dan, who Doesn't post : 5/26/05 10:59 AM
and I see you as more of a Victor Buono than Dom Deluise. Other than that, great job.
FMiC -- I know that guy!` : schnitzie : 5/26/05 11:01 AM
HA HA HA HA HA!! Yeah, the Fierstein voiceover seals the deal.
Dan... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/26/05 11:17 AM
the Fatman is Big Al, I believe.
Ok, here's who I THINK everyone is supposed to be... : T-Bone : 5/26/05 11:37 AM
T-Bone - Tate Larenz - me of course
The Fatman - Dom Deluise - Big Al
Janet - Paris Hilton - I'm thinking schnitz but not sure
Miller - Aston Kutcher - Have no idea
Jensen - Christian Brando - Have no idea
Dodd - Dennis Farina - Most likely Eddie Dodd
Thursday Welles/Pilot - Scarlett Johannson - Hope maybe?
S.E. - Pee Wee Herman - I think we all know this one
Radar - Grant Shaud - chris r
Drunk Don - Dudley Moore - Don in DC
Bald Man - Chris Elliot - Not sure
Wizard - Jerry Adler - Not sure
Carl - Ned Beatty - Not sure
Jonsey - Arnold Schwarznegger - JonC?
Peter Brady/Man in Plaid - Christopher Knight - MadPlaid
Greg Brady/the other brother - Barry Williams - RiffRaff
Mike Brady - Don Stark - Not sure
Jan - Nicole Kidman - Ok, now I'm confused...
Capt. Don - Larry Drake - Maybe Don but don't we have a Capt. Don here too?
The Miami Man/Cane - Gary Busey - BigBlueCane
Annika - Farrah Fawcett - Berrylish maybe?
Quail - Burt Reynolds - Have no idea
Katcavage - Alan Thicke - The name says it all
Hot Dog Vendor - John Leguziano - Luis in NJ
Toothless crank addict - Nick Nolte - Not sure
Artie - Richard Simmons - My man rockyt gets a part!
Larry - Alan Smithee - I THINK Larry in Penncylvania
Slapnuts in Tracy - Jeffrey Jones - Not sure
Margie - Frankie Avalon - Name says it all
Emaciated Man -Martin Landau - Not sure
German Shepherd - Bingo - Randy? Just kiddin Randy
Ambulatory Stephen Hawking - Christopher Reeve (Computer Animation by PhilSilvers)- I'm not sure
Toothless Driver - Clint Howard - Not sure
Dr. Bruce - Elliot Gould - BB'56 Shorty McMuscle - Naim Suleymanoglu (voice over by Harvey Firestein) - Not sure but whoever it is got a heck of a part
Ollie - Alan Rachins - Oliver maybe?
Slimy Insurance Salesman - Joey Slotnick - Not sure
Roberto de Tejano - George Lopez - Not sure
the Voice - Donnie Wahlberg - Not sure. Maybe Eric?
Burly Man - Steve Schirripa - Not sure
Mongoose/Ferret - Corey Haim - Not sure
Prof. Rhett Paul/Baron - Discredited actors from "Battlefield Earth" - Not sure
So ok everyone...fill in the blanks and if I've got someone wrong. This is the greatest thread I've ever seen here! And the movie's not even finished!
Man... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/26/05 11:41 AM
you really have to brush up on the subtleties of BBI!!!
To clarify. : Berrylish2 : 5/26/05 11:42 AM
I think Drunk Don is regular old Don, Capt. Don is our very own Capt. Don down in S. fla. and The bald man, driver of the beemer, is none other than Don in Dc. ( I think)
T-Bone... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 11:45 AM
Just read and enjoy, this is getting away from you!
I think... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 11:45 AM
she's got it! I think she's got it!
Wow T... : BigBlue26 : 5/26/05 11:48 AM
You better take this back to the "reading room" and start over! How you mixed up the Dons so bad I'll never on... I thought they were right on!
Come on guys, any new scenes for us today or are you all having writer's block!
Sorry guys... : T-Bone : 5/26/05 11:57 AM
Fats is right...I have NO IDEA what been going on here lately...thanks for the assist Berrylish...hey that rhymes!
And I didn't... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 11:59 AM
spend all that time making schnitzie a femme fatale for you to not get it!!!!
Filling in Some of the Blanks.... : schnitzie : 5/26/05 12:10 PM
Janet - Paris Hilton - Definitely *NOT* Schnitz. Perhaps Al's boss, Janet?
Miller - Aston Kutcher - I have an idea, but won't say.
Jensen - Christian Brando - (Also have an idea, but won't say.)
Thursday Welles/Pilot - Scarlett Johannson - (Strictly fictional character. Make her a fisherwoman, and she'll be Berry.)
S.E. - Pee Wee Herman - I think we all know this one (no clue here)
Radar - Grant Shaud - chris r (This was genius)
Drunk Don - Dudley Moore - (Plain old Don)
Bald Man - Chris Elliot - Not sure; (me neither)
Wizard - Jerry Adler - Not sure; (not a clue)
Carl - Ned Beatty - Not sure; (me neither)
Jonsey - Arnold Schwarznegger - JonC? (I doubt it)
Peter Brady/Man in Plaid - Christopher Knight - MadPlaid (Bwaaa!)
Greg Brady/the other brother - Barry Williams - RiffRaff (Haaa!)
Mike Brady - Don Stark - Not sure (fictional)
Jan - Nicole Kidman - Ok, now I'm confused... (It's ME, silly!)
Capt. Don - Larry Drake - Maybe Don but don't we have a Capt. Don here too? (Our Capt. Don)
Annika - Farrah Fawcett - Berrylish maybe? (Fictional, I think)
Quail - Burt Reynolds - Have no idea (Me neither)
Hot Dog Vendor - John Leguziano - Luis in NJ (Genius in casting)
Toothless crank addict - Nick Nolte - Not sure; me neither.
Slapnuts in Tracy - Jeffrey Jones - (Paulie Walnuts)
Toothless Driver - Clint Howard - Not sure (Giant Kurt?)
Dr. Bruce - Elliot Gould - BB'56 Shorty McMuscle - Naim Suleymanoglu (voice over by Harvey Firestein) - (JonC)
Ollie - Alan Rachins - Oliver maybe? (Definitely Oliver)
Slimy Insurance Salesman - Joey Slotnick - Not sure (No clue)
Roberto de Tejano - George Lopez - Not sure (Me neither)
the Voice - Donnie Wahlberg - Not sure. Maybe Eric? (me neither)
Jan's Mentor - (DEFINITELY A BBIer, but I want someone else to guess this.)
Sorry : T-Bone : 5/26/05 12:23 PM
schnitz.
I just remembered that Fats left someone off the credit list...unfortunately I don't have the time to skim through the thread to find his name but I think it's supposed to be MiS.
Syracuso? : Reese : 5/26/05 12:25 PM
...
Reese : T-Bone : 5/26/05 12:26 PM
Yeah, I think that's what his name was.
Who knew "Roberto de Tejano" : Dan, who Doesn't post : 5/26/05 12:33 PM
would be such a perfect disguise?
Dan : T-Bone : 5/26/05 12:34 PM
You suck.
I was thinking Miller and Jensen might be : shepherdsam : 5/26/05 12:38 PM
Davisian and I, no particular order.
I read Miller as being Matt : BigBlue26 : 5/26/05 12:41 PM
And T-Bone, the fact that you "guessed" Ollie was Oliver but aren't sure cracks me up. Didn't the talking on and on to himself, waxing poetically about wood and setting the camera on the bar give it away? :o)
I think I had a small role as a helicopter pilot picking up Uncle BB but then apparently got written off.
I'm also guessing the Wizard is gg.
BabeBlue : T-Bone : 5/26/05 12:47 PM
I was guessin with everyone. You're right though that that is funny because I thought that part with Ollie was one of the funniest parts.
How does anyone miss the most obvious character? : shepherdsam : 5/26/05 12:50 PM
the guy from Solomon, Oglivie and Thomas Insurance is clearly SOTI.
shep -- OMG!!! : schnitzie : 5/26/05 12:52 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
BB26... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 12:53 PM
You'll be back, and better than ever...
Jan and Thursday are cruising.... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/26/05 12:58 PM
down Broadway with a destination only they know. Meanwhile, back at the hangar, Dr. Bruce is standing outside on a makeshift runway, looking through a dossier and trying to get into character. His hands, wrinkled from age and from the sun and spotted like a freckled youngster, flip slowly through the pages as he begins to understand his purpose.
His newly polished saddle shoes are glistening almost enough to reflect the sign in the background - - "Blue Angel Aviation"......
"Listen here!" - "Lisstenn heere." "LISTEN here." Dr. Bruce is trying to lose the Soutwestern twang he has learned and is trying to get back to the New York, crooning voice he'll need to pull off the ruse.
Who Was Shorty McMuscle? : CoachJusty : 5/26/05 12:59 PM
Sadly.,,, : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 1:00 PM
my artistic vision has been dimmed by interlopers and ne'er-do-wells...
Take charge, CiP : schnitzie : 5/26/05 1:03 PM
All that has passed this far have been "asides" and background. I thought there was some climactic confrontation that was happening in the warehouse. Everything needs to come together now and lead to the denoument.
I know you can do this...
Just kill all the interlopers : schnitzie : 5/26/05 1:03 PM
and get back on track...
shep : Davisian : 5/26/05 1:05 PM
I thought the same effin' thing.
shep and davisian : schnitzie : 5/26/05 1:06 PM
You guys are both wrong. Miller and Jensen are not you guys. Unless they are in a purely symbolic sense. I have to look through this again, but b/o what I know, they are other people.
schnitzie : Peter in Atlanta : 5/26/05 1:08 PM
is correct.
always.. : Davisian : 5/26/05 1:10 PM
about me.....
And now, back to OVALTINE PRESENTS, the Adventures of T-Bone and the Big Al thread.
Back at the warehouse.... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/26/05 1:17 PM
Mr. Siracuso, the smarmy salesman, and the man from Miami lay lifeless on the floor. A single shot was all it took for each body. With Officer Miller cluelessly walking 20 yards away, stopped cold in his tracks by the "KEEP OUT" sign, T-Bone and the Bald Man slip out the back door and into the alley.
Ollie is still inside, where he will stay for another few hours, photographing the brilliant web designs of a common spider. "These ornamental beauties are impressive, like the war paint designs brandished by the Ichi warriors of Malaysia. I think I'll use these webs and decorate the from of t-shirts and thongs and sell them to the public, salivating for such great apparel."
Miller looks up and sees flash upon flash reflecting off the warehouse window. He thinks a rave is going on, but he has no idea what a rave is, so he continues up the alley into the darkness.
T-Bone and the Bald Man get into the dilapidated Beemer and head for the address on Thursday's card.
The night club... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 1:31 PM
is thick with smoke. The opening act is finishing up. A tall man wearing a red maple leaf sweater is enticing german shepherds to jump through hoops. They seem disinterested, and so does the audience.
The emcee steps up to the microphone. "Thank you ladies and germs! Ahh, uh huh. Anyway. Let's have a big hand for Stephers and the Shepherds!"
Two people clap. A third spills his drink. Stephers jogs off the stage, his dogs follwing close behind.
The emcee shifts his tie. "So, my name is Davis and this is my club. I just flew in from Cleveland, boy are my arms tired. Ahh, yeah. Anyway."
He wipes the sweat off his brow. He's crashing and burning. Get to the good stuff, Davis, he tells himself.
"And now, the reason you all are here. It gives me great pleasure to introduce", a drum roll sounds backstage, "the one, the only, Mr. Burl Ives!"
The crowd applauds and Davis steps off the stage, taking his usual perch at the bar watching a girls show on the WB.
Dr. Bruce steps through the curtain wearing an old barber's outfit and carrying an acoustic guitar. A man in the audience leans to his date, "I thought Burl Ives was dead." The woman shrugs.
Dr. Bruce steps up to the mic and launches into a lilting version of "Silver and Gold" that has the audience mesmerized. He's selling it, and they're all buying.
A man sits alone in the corner, a tear falling across his cheek. He wears a Red Sox cap, the price tag still pointing from the back, and one of those striped shirts. He sips a cosmopolitan. He has a tattoo of an antlered creature on his forearm. He takes his eyes off of Dr. Bruce only to flex his arm in the glass wall of his booth.
Dr. Bruce has already moved into a peppy version of "Call Me Mr. In-between". The crowd is swaying back and forth in motion. When he striked the final chord on his guitar, he leaps off the stage.
"Ow, my back", he cries, before collecting himself and leaping toward the solitary man before the stunned audience. The man is still admiring himself and doesn't notice Dr. Bruce break open his guitar and pull out the hidden .44, the bulky 6 inch barrel now inches from the man.
"By the time I get to Phoenix", Dr. Bruce whispers and jerks back the trigger, the massive piece of iron bucking in his hand. The man falls limp and runs out the stage door. His pilot is there, at the wheel of a sleek black Mercedes. He jumps in the back and is startled that he's not alone.
"The Wizard!", he says. "You're alive!"
The Wizard leans forward, his head half covered in white gauze. "Sholom, old friend."
The two share an embrace as the pilot pulls away. "Where are we going?", she calls back.
The Wizard smiles. "To the safe house."
Capt. Don... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 1:45 PM
is piloting the Bentley down 7th Avenue. Jan sits in back, carefully wiping down her silver 9mm's with a silicon cloth, taking a break only to take another sip of red wine.
The phone rings, breaking her from her concentration. She picks it up. "Brady."
"A slight change of plans", a woman's voice says. "We're meeting at the safe house."
"Fine", Jan says and hangs up. "Don, turn this wreck around. We're going to the safe house."
("Brady") : schnitzie : 5/26/05 1:51 PM
Baaaahahahahahaha!
The genius is back at work!
T-Bone and the Bald Man.... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/26/05 1:52 PM
pull up to the airfield. Inside the office, they see a crusty, disagreeable old gentleman behind the counter. "Hey, Old Timer, where's Thursday?" asks the Bald Man. T-Bone then slaps the man's crnium yet again, "Hey, that's my line!"
The old man says, "She's right in the back." Of course he's wrong. He hasn't said a correct thing in years, but it doesn't keep him from being opinionated. As the two visitors pass by, the old man says, "They don't make 'em like Reagan anymore. What a great American."
T-Bone gets to the back and realizes the hangar is empty. The Bald Man thinks to himself, "hangar.....hanger.....hmmmm, different spellings. Must file for later."
Around the corner of the hangar, a mechanic appears. Not the brightest bulb in the world, he nevertheless is identified by the universal sign of mechanics, his shirt. T- Bone grunts, "Hey Steve. Have you seen Thursday?"
Steve thinks for a minute, his brain clouded by the joint he was smoking minutes earlier. "How did you know my name?" T-Bone replies, "It's on your shirt? What are you a moron?"
Steve thinks again, carefully choosing his words. "No. I'm not a moron, but I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things. This is the first job I've had in months." T-Bone can clearly see why, but he stays silent.
"Oh, about Mrs. Welles. She headed into Midtown a couple of hours ago." T-Bone almost missed the last part Steve said as he was thinking, "Mrs.? Mrs.?".
"Is Thursday married?" asks T. "Nope. Almost was once I've heard. Guy must've been a fuckin' idiot."
T-Bone heard all he needed. "Lets go back to Midtown."
(I sure hope the safe house is in midtown) : schnitzie : 5/26/05 1:56 PM
!!!
(Oh! And the two guys on 51st and Park...) : schnitzie : 5/26/05 2:00 PM
(...were jcn56 and JoeMP2003. This was way back earlier in the story. But I just remembered it. Btw... from his corner office in his highrise lawfirm, Del Shofner, looks down upon Joe and jcn, who appear like tiny, gesticulating fire ants. Del shakes his head slowly and clicks his tongue: "Tsk, tsk." And yet he can't look away...)
The dark brownstone... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 2:34 PM
sits on a quiet street. A bagel shop is the only sign of life. The house be empty, but the basement bustles with life.
Dr. Bruce sits in the corner, strumming a tune on his guitar, his pilot sipping a martini. The drunk Scotsman and the manic young man play foosball. Capt. Don opens the door and holds it for Jan, who steps into the room with a grin. Dr. Bruce waves hello and his pilot gets up to greet her old friend.
Jan approaches her and they hug tightly, their lips barely brushing as they laugh at seeing each other again after all these years.
"How long has it been?", Pilot 26 asks.
"Too long. It's great to be working with you again."
They hug tightly again, trading soft kisses on their cheeks.
"Guess who's still alive", 26 says.
Before Jan can entertain the questiom, the door opens and the Wizard steps through the french door on the opposite wall. Jan is impassive.
"It's good to see everyone", the Wizard says. "They can't keep me away, can they?" The room laughs, except the manic young man. "It's all come down to this. The Insiders are gathering forces faster than we can eliminate them. But we have something that they don't, don't we?"
"The power of good karma?", asks Dr. Bruce.
The Wizard suppresses his announcement. "No, Doctor, but thank you. We have secret weapons. One of them we have right here, the reteaming of the best strike team we have ever assembled. 26, Jan, prepare to relive the old days." The two women slink their glasses. "And we have a double agent who has been infiltrating the Insiders for weeks. And we have him here right now. Allow me to introduce our newest member, codenamed Bigfoot."
An Italian man steps into the room. He wears a "Truth is out there" t-shirt and he eyes the manic young intensely. The manic young man asks what percent of agents wear t-shirts, and Bigfoot repeats the sentence back to him with staggering detail. The manic young man asks for respect. Bigfoot responds in kind.
"What about this private dick", Jan interjects. "You have him running around on a wild goose chase."
The Wizard smiles. "He'll be getting the most important message of his life soon. He'll know what to do."
The Wizard raises his glass of Manishevitz. "A toast. To success." The crowd raise their glasses. "To success!"
(Too. Phuquin. Funny.) : schnitzie : 5/26/05 2:40 PM
(... I had forgotten about Trent and Highlander.)
I : T-Bone : 5/26/05 2:47 PM
swear you guys are going to get me fired.
T-Bone... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 3:06 PM
You thought Janet who was with Big Al was schnitzie? What the hell's the matter with you?!?!?
And a bald man... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 3:06 PM
driving a BMW? Do I have to paint a picture!?!?
No....ummm.... : T-Bone : 5/26/05 3:07 PM
I mean yes...!
And the Voice... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 3:07 PM
is Village Voice. C'mon people!
I knew that one! : T-Bone : 5/26/05 3:08 PM
I just didn't want to tell everyone else and spoil it for them.
Annika... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 3:08 PM
is Stan in LA. Quail? Say it out loud. Who does it sound like?
Quail... : T-Bone : 5/26/05 3:10 PM
QUAIL...quAIL...QUail...
nothin...give us another hint...
Keep saying... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 3:11 PM
it, you'll get it...
T-Bone and The Bald Man... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/26/05 3:13 PM
cruise Midtown for what seems like hours, because in fact it has been hours. They've been in every gin joint, flophouse, back alley and speakeasy there is to look.
They are growing exasperated and the Bald Man is bored. He finished the "U's" a few hours ago. He mutters, "Ukelele, Unita, Utilitarian, Utopia." His vocabulary display is shatttered by an open hand slap to the noggin. "Shaddup" shusshes T-Bone.
They pass the NBC Tower. A familiar figure stands at the doorway, harassing a distinguished man with a bad hairdo but some georgeous eye candy dripping off his shoulder. Immediately, they knew it was Officer Miller. Miller takes a look at the jewelry adorning the beauty and he lets the pair go with a smile.
Just then, T-Bone's phone rings. There is no voice on the other end, just the jingle "Nobody Beats the Wiz" followed by an address. He nods to the Bald Man and they speed away. He knows he's close to his goal.
I have this visual of T-Bone's lightbulb illuminating : schnitzie : 5/26/05 3:20 PM
during a session in the can ... and T-Bone running, with a streamer of toilet paper sailing from his derriere, to the computer to announce the answer to the rest of us... (Cuz I got nothing on Quail myself over here.)
I can't believe... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 3:21 PM
you guys can;t figure out who the wizard is...
schnitz... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 3:21 PM
Spell is qual and say it out loud...
BB26... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/26/05 3:23 PM
got it.
Ah... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 3:23 PM
so she did...
The Wizard is gg : schnitzie : 5/26/05 3:26 PM
And I thought the Voice was "The Voice," that whack job fundamentalist. If it was Village Voice, I needed at least a "Ba BONG!"
Q-U-A-L... : schnitzie : 5/26/05 3:27 PM
Quaaaaal... KwaaaaaaAAAAALLL!!
I GOT IT!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
K-WALL! : schnitzie : 5/26/05 3:28 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
CiP : T-Bone : 5/26/05 3:36 PM
Your mastery of the english language amazes me. To get Quail from KWALL is very impressive. Please do not do that again for now I have a headache.
schnitz- LOL @ 3:20 post!
The simplest sounds... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 3:44 PM
echo in the locker room of the safe house.
"Zip me up?", Twenty-Six asks. Jan turns to her and smoothly slides the zipper up the back of her skintight leather jumpsuit. Twenty-Six slips the double holsters on over the leather and pulls her hair out of the collar.
"How do I look?", she smiles.
"Like a maneater", Jan says, pulling her knee-high boots over her own leather pants. They are dressed head to toe in black leather, not a curve hidden between them. Semi's hang in holsters on either side of their heaving chests. Grenades and ammunition hang from the black webbed belts. Assault rifles hang from their shoulders. They each slip on a pair of smoky black sunglasses and look at themselves in the mirror. They both smile.
"You ready", Jan asks?
"As I'll ever be", Twenty-Six replies. They hug once more, metal weapons clanging against each other. "Like old times?"
Jan smiles, "Like old times." She jacks back the bolt of her M-16. "Let's get it on."
They storm out the door...
T-Bone... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 3:45 PM
Quail was bob's, though you are right, I am amazing...
c'mon T-Bone : Reese : 5/26/05 3:45 PM
Oooooo, BB26 and I are all leathered up... : schnitzie : 5/26/05 4:00 PM
Now what? (Can Berry/Thursday wear leather too?)
And even though we're head-to-toe, : schnitzie : 5/26/05 4:02 PM
can the leather cat suits flash a little ... you know ... cleavage?
schnitz... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 4:02 PM
I haven't decided, but I can't get up from my desk right now...
Of... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 4:03 PM
course!
Bwaaaaaahahahaha ... CiP : schnitzie : 5/26/05 4:04 PM
I had a feeling you were gonna have some trouble after writing *that* chapter.
Oh, btw, I just got off the phone with Judith Rudin. She's on her way to your office for a surprise inspect. Right. Now. =:-o
schnitz... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 4:04 PM
Judy's gone. Sucker!
That's "inspection." : schnitzie : 5/26/05 4:05 PM
Hoof! I'm a little dizzy too...
Damn. Who's the president : schnitzie : 5/26/05 4:06 PM
of my alma mater now? (I obviously stopped reading the Gazette and donation solicitations long ago.)
wooohoo : Berrylish2 : 5/26/05 4:21 PM
I get to wear leather too!
Oh my god, I nearly pee'd myself laughing : BigBlue26 : 5/26/05 4:24 PM
and that's hard to do in this leather cat suit! Paired up with Schnitzie... couldn't ask for a better partner in crime. :o)
I can't believe some of you can't figure out some of these characters. I got the Wizard and Quail right away... not sure if I'm right about Miller though. Chris, Bob, Humongous and FatMan ~ you guys are awesome!
BB26 : schnitzie : 5/26/05 4:27 PM
Just lemme know if you need help getting unzipped, so you can, ya know, pee in the right place. :-)
Great... : T-Bone : 5/26/05 4:30 PM
now we got major babes in black leather suits and tights and stuff and I already wasted my sex scene...that is SOOOOO unfair.
The black Escalade squeals away... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 4:39 PM
from the brownstone as the battered BMW pulls up. A door is missing and a tire is flat. Buford T. Justice would be proud.
"Is this it?", the driver asks, peering over the top of his wrinkled Law Review.
"Gotta be. Stay here,", T-Bone says, pulling himself out of the back and taking the concrete steps two at a time. He rings the bell. Nothing. He rings it again.
The door swings open and a woman stands before him in a hockey jersey. "What do you want?", she asks, cracking a gum bubble in her cheek.
"I was told to come here. My name is T-Bone."
"What the hell kind of name is that?"
"It's just a nickname, you know. From the old days. I could blow a horn like Satchmo. I can do wonders with my tongue", he smiles. She slaps him, the sound echoing down the quiet street. She reaches beside her. "My brother told me to give this to you." She hands him an envelope.
"Thanks, I appreciate it. And I didn't mean..." The door slams in his face. He hesitates, then spins on his gator-skinned heel and gets back into the BMW.
The driver is shaking his head, muttering about tort reform. T-Bone opens the envelope. It is $40,000 dollars and another address. A simple note says '8 PM. Sharp.' He hands the address to the driver.
"Let's go, we're late."
Ya know... : T-Bone : 5/26/05 4:45 PM
for a minute there I thought I was gonna get me some bubblegum action...
Watch it.... : Chris in Philly : 5/26/05 4:48 PM
That's somebody's sister! Or do we have to explain that one too?
Er... : T-Bone : 5/26/05 4:52 PM
I meant I thought I was going to get some bubblegum...action. (we don't have a poster here with the handle action? I could of sworn I saw it!).
That was Sporty!!! : schnitzie : 5/26/05 4:53 PM
BWAAAAAAAAA!!! Genius!
CiP, you are *definitely* in the wrong line of business. I can't believe how you spin this stuff out.
schnitz : T-Bone : 5/26/05 5:00 PM
Tell me about it. I'm seriously amazed at the work him, Fats, bob in tx, and even The Humongous have been able to do off the top of their heads. I would never be able to do that stuff because a) I'm not that imaginative and b) I'm also not that funny. When (or should I say 'if') this thread dies I'm going to print it out, laminate it, and hang it somewhere...probably the bathroom.
I Agree with T-Bone--Easily the Best BBI Thread Ever : Dave in D.C. : 5/26/05 5:04 PM
Pure gold!
Dave : T-Bone : 5/26/05 5:08 PM
This one really deserves to be saved by Eric in the archives or somewhere special. It's right up there with Ignatius Reilly if you ask me.
And now that I think about it, this is the first LONG thread that I can remember that hasn't had not ONE argument! That may be a first.
No Arguments? : Dave in D.C. : 5/26/05 5:12 PM
eff you T-Bone!!! That's BS!!!
Teeeeeee-BONE ... : schnitzie : 5/26/05 5:13 PM
You realized you just jinxed this b*tch... =:-P
See? : schnitzie : 5/26/05 5:13 PM
:::sigh:::
schnitz : T-Bone : 5/26/05 5:42 PM
I hope not. I really don't see it happening though *knock on wood*. There only seems to be about a good 7-10 posters who've posted on this thread and the guys (CiP, Fats, etc.) have done a beautiful job of making fun of some posters but keeping it clean at the same time. I think anyone's who's been made fun of would actually laugh themselves at some of the things these guys are coming up with. It's really a amazing job by them.
One guy I'd pay money to see get involved though would be Daniel in MI though. Between him, CiP, Fats, bob in tx, and the other guys who've contributed I KNOW I'd get fired for laughing too much.
I can't believe I missed this thread until now. : Don in DC : 5/26/05 10:04 PM
I am suing all of you -- each and every one -- for defamation, invasion of privacy, misappropiation of personal likeness, and anything else I can think of.
Expect to be served with process shortly. I will bathe in your blood and eat your spleens. Or something like that.
get a grip! : Berrylish2 : 5/26/05 10:15 PM
go play in traffic Donnie! :)
Berry : Don in DC : 5/26/05 11:05 PM
Lighten up, hon. I'm joking around. As in, ha ha.
i know : Berrylish2 : 5/26/05 11:20 PM
sweetcheeks. so am I. :)
T-Bone and the Bald Man speed... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/27/05 7:31 AM
toward the latest address, certain they are being used for sport. This has been a rat race without a wheel and no cheese, especially if one overlooks the Bald Man's pickup lines back at the bar.
As they approach a red light, T-Bone hears a muffled sound coming from the Bald Man, "zenith, zephyr, zydeco........zzzzzzzzzz". As the last z word is spoken the Bald Man expires, inexplicably.
As T-Bone mulls his options, he hears a car pull up behind, even though the light turned green as the Fat Man drew his last breath. It's a sleek silever Aston Martin, although T-Bone only knows it as a damn, cool looking car.
As T-Bone gets out to wave the driver by, he's called to the window. He sees the driver with a martini. The driver says to him, "The name's Barton. Horatio Barton. But everyone calls me "H" Get in. I know where you're going. "Call me T". And the journey of two men, with one initial as their callout, begins.
I'm dying to find out how this all ends! : BigBlue26 : 5/27/05 10:53 AM
.
An : T-Bone : 5/27/05 10:55 AM
Aston what?! ;-)
And I like the Men in Black direction this is going in. HBart as Tommy Lee Jones is perfect!
The Escalade screeches... : Chris in Philly : 5/27/05 11:07 AM
to a halt on the rainy pavement in front of a coffee shop. Capt. Don slams it into 'PARK'. The cafe door eases open and black leather clad leg leads out another Vixen in black leather. The wears a headband with the Japanese symbol for "Strawberry". Throwing stars cling to the webbing of her equipment.
The Wizard lowers his tinted window and flicks away his clove cigarette. "Ah, if it isn't my favorite day of week."
Thursday steps the passenger door, her hips swaying like a hot air balloon in a hurricane. "What's up Wizard?"
"You ready to rock and roll?"
Thursday blows him a kiss and tilts her head, letting him know how stupid the question was.
The back door of the Escalade swings open and Twenty-Six and Jan leap from the back.
"Good luck, niece!", the doc calls from the back seat. Twenty-Six smiles back, turning to Jan. "God, he's always in my personal space." The doc smiles heartily at them. Twenty-Six shakes her head. The two approach Thursday.
"You all know each other?", the Wizard asks. They all nod and smile. Thursday begins twisting a bulky silencer onto her submachine gun as the others prepare their weapons.
"Whenever you girls are ready", the Wizard says, lighting another clove smoke. The three nod and walk down the dark street toward a warehouce at the end of the block. The Wizard leans over and presses PLAY on the CD player. AC/DC explodes out the speakers, shaking the big black vehicle.
"What's with that?", Capt. Don asks. The Wizard grins, "Theme music."
The crunching power chords drive behind the three as they slink along the street, shiny leather and the metallic steel of their weapons glistening in the moonlit rain. They walk side by side across the street, fingers caressing the trigger guards of their weapons. Jan yanks down her suit zipper from her throat, enough to get some air, and a view. They stop before the warehouse. By the time Angus finishes his solo, all hell will have broken loose...
cool : Berrylish2 : 5/27/05 11:12 AM
it's like Charlie's Angels!
No no no... : Chris in Philly : 5/27/05 11:14 AM
Cooler than those bimbos!
ok : Berrylish2 : 5/27/05 11:15 AM
Continue!
"enough to get some air, and a view". : BigBlue26 : 5/27/05 11:24 AM
LOL!!! Chris, you are my hero!
The two vixens... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/27/05 11:39 AM
loaded with ammo, artillery, and some great guns, too, pull up to a darkened storefront. A clock on the bank across the street says 7:35PM and 63 degrees F.
They circle the building on opposite sides and meet in the back where the fire escape is. They climb the fire escape, whisper instructions into each other's ears and enter a window on the 4th floor.
As they fumble around the darkened room, they start placing wired leads every 10 feet around the perimeter. Suddenly the lights come on. "You might need to see what your doing." Came the voice from a burly, slob standing in front of them. With the physique of a former athlete who had let his body give in to alcohol and food, this imposing dolt stood in front of them with a white tanktop and a Yankee hat on. As he unclenched his fist, the women could see brass knuckles gleaming in his hand.
"I'm going to give you a beat down you won't forget. I've had it up to here with sassy cun+s", growled the maniacal man. As he approaches, Jan and Thursday reach instinctively for the weapons but suddenly feel arms grabbing them from behind. Two accomplices help the man. "B, where do you want them?" asks the faceless abetters. "Put them in the two chairs over there. Take off their weapons and pry their eyelids open so they can see the blows hitting them in all their ferocity"
Ten minutes later, the women are bound, and the flabby, yet muscular man is prancing around shadow boxing. He approaches Jan and hurls a mighty right cross to her cheek. Blood immediately spurts out. He turns to Thursday and slams a hook into her midsection as if he's tenderizing beef. He cackles like a hyena and screams, "Take it. Take it hard!!!"
He follows his strut with two more vicious head blows to each battered woman and calls for his lackeys, "Bring me the equipment."
In rolls a medieval rack. It looks like a body lays across the wire, with hands and feet tied to each end. A wheel would then stretch the person from head to toe until cartilege, muscle and tendons snap. "Who wants to be first?" With the semi-conscious victims nonresponsive, he grabs Jan's limp body and straps her in.
"Remember this face. It's the last face you'll see." As he begins to turn the wheel, the door to the room comes crashing down. B takes his hands off the wheel and spins to see the commotion. Charging full speed at him is T-Bone who tackles him more crisply than B had ever tackled anyone. The force of the jarring open-room hit knocks B out. H, meanwhile stands over the two lifeless, faceless cronies. In his hand is a scimitar dripping with blood. "I thought I'd give them the old Turkish salute." He smoothly says. Jan comes to her senses and shakes Thursday. No response. She shakes her again. Thursday coughs up some blood and opens her eyes. "I think there's someone here you should see" says Jan.
As Thursday's eyes pan the room, she sees the handsome H and lngers on him for just a moment, and then sees T. "I knew you'd come back" she whispers.
Just as a tender moment seems at hand, more people enter the room.........
CiP : sporty29 : 5/27/05 11:46 AM
I just saw myself in the story. LMFAO. Hockey jersey and a gum-ball, how apropriate.
Sh!t... : FatMan in Charlotte : 5/27/05 11:47 AM
I didn't sync up too well and left 26 out of the big scene!!
Damnit man! : Chris in Philly : 5/27/05 11:48 AM
!
... : Reese : 5/27/05 12:04 PM
FatMan : BigBlue26 : 5/27/05 12:16 PM
I thought maybe I had been killed off but the scene got cut from the movie. :o)
Meanwhile in Michigan : The Humongous : 5/27/05 12:24 PM
At the offices of the premier Giants-related internet-based media outfit, the reporter/editor/fact checker/copyeditor/movie critic toys with the laminated press-pass around his neck. He looks at the flecks of dried blood on the back, smiles and thinks to himself, "Dave Klein won't be missing this anytime soon." He then takes a swig of scotch from the bottle on his desk and turns to the old fashioned Remmington in front of hima nd begins to type.
Don't panic, don't panic.... : T-Bone : 5/27/05 12:25 PM
we'll just uhhh....ummmm...
DAMIT FATS! WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO NOW?!!! WE'RE ALREADY OVER BUDGET!!!!
From behind the typing reporter : The Humongous : 5/27/05 12:46 PM
comes the click of a high heel on tile, he turns and looks at the striking brunette who silently slipped in the door, dressed as a reporter, looking a lot like Lois Lane. "Who, who are you?" he stammers.
Don't you recognize me, I'm one of your competitors, from the inside."
"But, but, but I always thought you were a man," he replies.
She laughs. "A lot of people think that, people who haven't met me." "Now hand over the press pass," she demands, turning so he can see the outline of a gun under her raincoat.
He gives up the pass, and she turns and walks out of the room. "Where are you taking it, he calls."
"To Virginia, to someone who will know what to do with it."
"Make sure it stays in the hands of the media, not some fansite," he yells after her. "The media, we all have to stick together."
Is the story over? : T-Bone : 5/27/05 3:22 PM
I just want to know so I can print it out if it is...
I thought you were waiting : The Humongous : 5/27/05 3:23 PM
for another sex scene?
T-Bone... : Chris in Philly : 5/27/05 3:26 PM
Of course not. There's the final confrontation between the warring factions still to come and the dénouement...
The final secrets will be... : Chris in Philly : 5/27/05 3:28 PM
revealed after the holiday. Stay tuned! And don't let Eric delete this!
I'll try to post on it every : T-Bone : 5/27/05 3:32 PM
once in awhile over the weekend to make sure it stays up near the top.
I GOTTA see how this thing ends. EFF the Sith!
This is the greatest BBI story EVER : schnitzie : 5/27/05 4:14 PM
=:-)
Will the : The Humongous : 5/27/05 4:30 PM
Designated Order of Revenging Knights save the insiders from the Wizard? Stay tuned until next week.
Put this in the back of the book... : RAZE : 5/27/05 5:16 PM
Excerpt from the forthcoming novel 'Dark Universe--Death to All':
The Dark Emperor Lord Annilus stared at the tiny blue globe from his massive throne on the gargantuan space station.
"Bring the Princess" he said.
When she was brought before him, The Emperor glared evilly at her skimpy, gold-colored outfit. "Princess" he began, "For failing to fully satisfy me, you have determined the planet that will be destroyed first--your beloved Earth..."
"No!!" the Princess cried out, "Earth contains some of the greatest minds in the galaxy, and it also has BBI!"
"Silence!" the Emperor roared, black lightning streaking from his fingertips to flash-fry the hapless Princess...
(Mmmmmmm-barbeque) the Emperor thought--(And WTF is a BBI?). His thoughts going back to business, he turned back to the monstrous viewscreen.
"Destory that piece of sh*t!!" he screamed at his gunnery crew.
The Superlaser lashed out, blasting the Earth into a billion fragments (however, one McDonalds did survive)...
As the fragments bounced harmlessly off the stations energy shields, the Grand Moff Firebomb Ric strode to the Emperor's side. "You know," the Moff said conversationally, "The Princess was right--you just wiped out some of the great minds of Earth--like Chris in Philly, the FatMan, and TMAC..."
"F*ck 'em" the Emperor said, "Let's go eat."
um ... mr. emperor? : schnitzie : 5/27/05 6:00 PM
...um ... u 4got bob in tx...
You dare question : RAZE : 5/27/05 6:19 PM
the mighty Emperor?! C'mere...
Great tale so far... : shepherdsam : 5/27/05 6:29 PM
but it needs a LAVA PIT.
shepardsam : RAZE : 5/27/05 6:31 PM
Yes! For the ribs, of course...
Whatever happened to Piranah? : shepherdsam : 5/27/05 6:33 PM
I miss him and his LAVA PIT.
bump : T-Bone : 5/28/05 11:46 AM
-
The vicious Brady Brothers! : Reese : 5/28/05 2:26 PM
sorry....bored. : Reese : 5/29/05 12:47 PM
ALL YEAR.. : Chris in Philly : 5/30/05 10:49 AM
BABY!
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