BREAKING: Giants expected to land top-2 player in 2018 draft

GOOD MORNING.

The One Man Thrill Ride has arrived to rescue you overworked and undersexed losers from the delirious pre-draft media cycle. Are you wasting your days hunched over a keyboard, talking in circles about something completely beyond your control and understanding? Have you decided if you actually like sports or not? Do you hate Odell Beckham Jr. because he wants money for scoring touchdowns? (note: a touchdown is awarded when a ballcarrier crosses the the opponents' goal line).

This ends now.

After consulting with hitdog42 and other insiders, Thrill Kiper Jr. has prepared an insightful draft guide, complete with balanced analysis and tidbits of sensitive information. Nothing earth-shattering, at least not yet. Remember, The Org still has exactly one week before they are on The Clock. Until then, all the rumors and public statements by Dave Gettleman are meaningless. No final determinations have been made. The process remains fluid.

Insider?? I hardly know her! (they said start with a joke)

So listen up, dipshits.

JOSH ALLEN

The Thrill Ride opens this list alphabetically and not because he's heard through sources that Allen,Josh has placed himself in the discussion for #1 overall. Both Chris Mortensen and Mort Christensen have corroborated this report.

Recent reports indicate Josh has been studying film. One such film is Superman (1978). With his effortless release and powerful velocity, Josh can fire a football into the Earth's orbit. In fact, according to Jordan Palmer, if Josh spins it exactly right, he can reverse the rotation of the earth, thus rewinding time and perhaps saving the team who mistakenly drafts ...Josh Allen.

(note: there is a 56.2% chance this happens)

Bottom line, Josh Allen sure can throw a football but can he throw it to a teammate? On tape, Thrill Walsh sees a gifted passer with low football IQ. Fair or not, his college production places him in some suspiscious company, and any projection of him becoming a impact QB early in his career requires incredible faith in both Josh and his coaching staff.

Nonetheless, Josh perfectly embodies the league's traditionalist biases towards traits. After all, if Josh had completed only one (1) extra pass per game, his career completion percentage jumps to the sacred 60% -- the same statistical range as Eli Manning, Matt Ryan, and Matthew Stafford. And also: stats are for losers.

Can this tall, beautiful piece of Human Clay (GoTerps' favorite Creed album) become molded into a living breathing thinking quarterback? Across the league, the old-fashioned Football Men believe the answer is a resounding "yes." And it's possible, within the right program, he's not terribly far away. For these reasons alone, The Thrill Ride insists his name will be called very, very early on draft night.

Fun Fact: Josh Allen was measured at 6'4" 7/8 at the combine in February. At his Pro Day in Wyoming on March 23, he was 6'5" even. Josh Allen is still growing, and by the time you read this he might be a skyscraper.

Advocate: Chris Simms. And Phil Simms (college stats: 48.9 comp%, 6.6 ypa, 32td 45int)

Prediction: #1 overall. DraftJoshAllen.com



SAM DARNOLD

The Thrill Ride has his heroes. The great emancipator Abe Lincoln; the best hitter of all-time Barry Bonds; and the astronaut Neil Armstrong, who recorded the first ever podcast in outer space.

Thrill's biggest hero? Arnold Schwarzenegger. Mr. Olympia. The Terminator. Detective John Kimble. 22" inch arms. Literally the biggest hero of them all. Thrill likes to call Sam "Darnold Schwarzenegger" because he can lift an entire team ...and sometimes he struggles with the English language.

Several analysts have identified Darnold as the Giants' ideal choice and the logical successor to Eli Manning. It has been suggested that Sam models his game after Eli in that he remains calm and focused but unassuming while constantly throwing the ball to the other team. The smoothest possible transition.

Are the excessive turnovers correctable? 22 interceptions and 21 fumbles in 27 career starts paint a troubling picture; however, at 20.9 years of age, Darnold will be the youngest quarterback to ever enter the league. And unlike Allen, for example, Darnold was effective on a per-play basis at USC. Both the game-changing plays and the turnovers are two sides of the same psychology (just like cop and criminal!). They are symptomatic of Sam's aggressive risk-taking mentality and innate ability to extend plays. This certainly suggests an appealing upside when presented with the opportunity to redshirt behind a veteran. And also work with a patient coach who can deprogram some of those unnecessary risks.

Thrill Belichick likens Sam to former Pro Bowler, current analyst, and long-time admirer of hats: Tony Romo. The off-script creativity and occasional magicianship are evident. Similar to Romo, Sam might be a rollercoaster early in his career -- "keeping both teams in the game" -- but if he follows Romo's career trajectory into a highly efficient big-play QB? That's a winner.

Fun Fact: If Sam Darnold's 2.6% interception rate carries over to the NFL, he could threaten Eli Manning's franchise record for interceptions (228) by 2033.

Advocate: Dan Orlovsky, former journeyman QB who once scrambled out the back of his own end zone

NFL Comp: [Jameis Winston, Tony Romo)



BAKER MAYFIELD

Matter cannot exist without anti-matter. Josh Allen cannot exist without his metaphysical counterpoint: Baker Mayfield. Opposites, yes, but are they enemies? A trusted source told me that the two quarterbacks attended Coachella together in 2017 and J.A. let Baker sit on his shoulders so that he could see the stage.

It begs the question: would Baker Mayfield be the consensus QB1 if he was strategically placed atop another teammate, not unlike two kids trying to impersonate one tall adult in order to sneak into a rated-R movie?

Advanced analytics love this player. His critics dismiss his success as a function of Oklahoma's talent and Lincoln Riley's virtuoso offensive design. According to the film, you see Baker benefit from so much manufactured offense against an assembly line of helpless Big 12 defenses. However, these same analytic models (QBASE, for example) adjust for opponents and difficulty of throws based on depth of target and other factors...and they still objectively value Mayfield substantially higher than the other QBs.

Since 2000, Power Five conferences have produced roughly 100 seasons of quarterback play. Cam Newton, Andrew Luck, Deshaun Watson. They all exist within this data set. 2017 Baker Mayfield ranks 1st in QBR and yards per attempt. 2016 Baker Mayfield? He ranks 2nd. What about 2015? Well Baker was still finding himself as a first-year starter and finished 9th. It's possible that despite a rotating cast of teammates, Baker Mayfield was consistently and indisputably good at the game.

Baker may field questions about his maturity, but Thrill asserts his competitiveness and quarterbacking skills are unassailable. A creative, forward-thinking playcaller will develop Baker into a quality starter. Provided he has somebody's shoulders to sit on.

Prediction: Just Embrace The Shortness



JOSH ROSEN

Winston ChurchThrill calls this young man Josh Frozen, because when you need him to drive the ball downfield, listen to this, Josh can Let It Go. Also, with a nose sculpted by Moses himself, Josh looks like Olaf the snowman.

Speaking of Frozen, we have to have an honest conversation about Josh's brain and what would happen to it if he suffered yet another concussion. You see, the brain exerts centralized control over the human body, generating patterns of muscle activity and also coordinating responses to changes in environment. Having already suffered two concussions, Josh finds himself at risk of long-term neurodegenerative cognitive impairment.

Another concussion might not only complicate his athletic performance, but also motivate a thoughtful young man to leave football and consider another career. What else could he possibly do? Some random, culturally non-specific suggestions: accountant, high-priced lawyer, Hollywood agent.

Playful banter aside, Trent Thrillfer finds the criticisms of Rosen's personality and intellectual curiosity to be inconsequential. Still, although he looks like the most pro-ready quarterback in this draft class, Thrill anticipates that Rosen's injury profile (including a 2016 shoulder surgery) coupled with his immobility will cause him to fall on draft night. Hopefully he doesn't hit his head. At least his nose, which is as sharp as his brilliant mind, might break his fall.

Fun Fact: Why? #why

NFL Comp: Matt Ryan

Advocate / Fluffer: Milton

Prediction: Buffalo. Why'd Right.



LAMAR JACKSON

With the exception of Rick Pitino, no Louisville player has ever had a quicker release. Or been faster escaping the pocket.

Some have called Lamar the Dark Horse of the QB class, which is downright racist. Thrilliam Tecumseh Sherman will not stand for such a display of ignorance. It's 2018, puppets, so please act civilized.

With regard to Lamar's pro potential, a number of comparisons come to mind. Multiple analysts have said that Lamar is a right-handed Michael Vick. That comparison rings hollow; there already was a right-handed Michael Vick. His name was Marcus Vick. And, yes, he's been to prison.

Best comp: Steamin' Willie Beamon, #13 Miami Sharks.

It's not racism, it's placism! As you might recall, Beamon had to endure an embarrassing detour to the DB room and multiple years behind lesser QBs before breaking out for Tony D'Amato's 1999 Sharks. Beamon's career trajectory represents all of Jackson's plausible outcomes: dismissed completely as a quarterback; exciting but reckless highlight machine; transcendent dual threat star.

Fun Fact: Lamar wears #8 because he was eight years old when his father and grandmother tragically died on the same day. Bet you feel pretty bad about those racists remarks now, huh jerk?

Advocate: Thrillie Beamon

Prediction: 1st round pick, fantasy football cheat code, and eventual multi-year starter



BRADLEY CHUBB

He's a stud. A perfectly good candidate in the event of a trade. Coach Gruden agrees:

Quote:

Let me yell ya, man, Brad Lee Chubb is a difference-maker in our game. Look at him get after the quarterback. I love it. I call him Bono because he plays well off The Edge. You ever listen to U2, Sean McDonough?

Moving on...



QUENTIN NELSON

"Thrill has christened this player Nelson Mandela. He can lock his man down for 27 years. Draft with confidence."

-Thrill Parcells


"NFL comparison: Larry Allen [who my dad coached in Dallas]"

-Lance Zierlein, NFL.com


"I did not evaluate interior offensive lineman."

-Anakim



SAQUON BARKLEY

Ah yes, saving the best for last. Never has a running back so dominant graced the football field with his generational talent. That's right, generational talent. Generational. Talent. Once per generation. With each generation comes one incomparably talented running back.

A Brief History of T.I.M.E. (Talented Incomparable Men Escaping tacklers):

Pre-1900: William Webb Ellis
Depression: Red Grange
Post-War: Jim Brown
Baby Boomer: OJ Simpson
Boomers II: Walter Payton
Jan.27.1991: Otis Anderson
Generation X: Barry Sanders
Jun.17.1994: OJ Simpson again
Generation Y: Marshall Faulk
Millennials: Saquon Barkley

Of all the generations, millennials consider themselves the best. Just ask any one of them and, after a confused pause, they'll look up from their iPhone X and tell you. Saquon Barkley is the best running back of the best generation. He is, therefore, the best of all-time. No running back of the past, present, or future can challenge his throne as ...the best.

OrenThrill James Simpson compares Saquon to the Saints' rookie sensation Alvin Kamara. That's high praise. Any team who drafts Saquon would be wise to use him identically, both to maximize his presence in a pass-dominant game, and also to extend his career rather than subject him to the brutality of 300 carries per season.

Can that caliber of dual-threat RB help your team win football games in 2018? Absolutely.

But can the 4th highest-paid RB in the game help you build a sustainable winning program? Well, that's where the economics of positional value create an argument against investing so much draft capital and financial obligation in perhaps the most volatile and fungible position in modern football.

It's a healthy debate! Because of his impact on passing downs, Saquon might be worth 2nd overall. And, in a vacuum, he might be worth almost $8M per year on his rookie deal. But, in terms of value added, could any RB be worth both that pick and that price? Is that the smartest asset management when Sam Darnold would be paid a fraction of the top QB salaries and figures to have almost twice as long of a career?



VERDICT

Speaking from inside The Org, Thrillington Mara sees the following:

1a. Barkley
1b. Darnold


That's the internal debate. Knowing how difficult and expensive it is to acquire reliably efficient QBs, Thrill would prefer The Org invests in the Eli-Sam succession plan.

Of course, in the absence of stud QB, Thrill would advise that Gettleman acknowledges nobody can beat the draft and trades down to take the best remaining of Barkley, Chubb, and Nelson along with a treasure chest of premium picks. Cleveland and Buffalo (via Denver) figure to be motivated trade partners.

Without knowing the shape of those offers, and observing the Gettleman-Reese-Accorsi proclivity for obsessing over the Best Player Available, Thrill concludes that NYG stay home at #2 and wrestle between Barkley and Darnold until the clock hits 0:00.



Prediction: Giants get a top-2 player, and people proceed to complain on the internet.

SPORTS!

See ya, dinks.