Neither of those statements is any type of revelation.
Just wanted to raise my hand over here and speak to our younger BBI brothers, either just getting started in a potentially "she's the one" relationship, or currently welcoming aboard little ones.
I posted on FB this morning, side-by-side, two photos. One, of my 3-year-old daughter Gracie posing with her brother before her first day of Pre-K. The other, a picture I took just this morning on my 17-year-old about to drive herself to her last day of high school.
No slight to you fellas who have gone through splits and are making it work with the kids being in two places. Much respect. My best to you. But for those in new (or even not so new) marriages, this shit is as hard as raising kids - made harder by raising the kids, no doubt - so hang in there.
I waffle between a feeling of being envious of some of you guys just getting started, and feeling relief that we haven't screwed up our kids. Those early years with kids can be stressful, but they're also raw, emotional, fantastic times. Guys with kids the age of mine and older might agree - the stress stays. Just shifts. But these are great times, too.
Anyhow, I suppose with a lot of emotions close to the surface lately, I'm just a big puss, passing along this overall sentiment: Put the kids first. Be there for them. It's rarely easy, and always crazy. But I think the payoff is a good one ... at least to this point.
Onward!
I have a 1 year old and 3 year old (both boys) and it is tough as hell. I can even fast forward 15-16 years to picture what that might have like.
Yeah ... to re-state, not at all saying every marriage is workable. Just saying that even if those don't work, be present for the kids all the way through ... through all the obstacles. That's the thing.
I have a 1 year old and 3 year old (both boys) and it is tough as hell. I can even fast forward 15-16 years to picture what that might have like.
BeezKid is at Binghamton University, and saving some money living at home now. He's making noise about doing the apartment thing. We'll see. BeezGirl will be going to college about an hour from home, so not too bad. Close enough to take an afternoon off and go get lunch.
Try age 23. By then you should know.
Best wishes getting there.
(15-17...holy crap people, toddlers are easy)
Here's my two-cents... Never, never look for happiness in what you don't have. Fulfillment in your life is not having what you want; it's wanting what you have. Time goes so quickly... Cherish moments and cherish the people who share your life.
It's hard. But I know I'm going to look back at these years as great ones.
Sometimes it feels like my kids are going to be this age forever, but I feel like I'm going to wake up one morning and they'll be leaving home/getting married/having kids themselves.
I'm trying to smell the roses, but it's hard.
My wife and I were just discussing this recently. We have 4 children (ages 7, 10, 13, & 15) and I can agree with all the comments - while there have been incredibly difficult times, there have been amazing good times as well. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Also the expression, "Long Days, Short Years" comes to mind. While we are typically exhausted, I can't believe how fast it is all going.
Teens: Social media hook up culture and much worse, grown ups, drop outs, vape (juule) is universal, weed, cars, academics. Thank God neither of my kids touch the booze.
In both cases the goal is to string together good days, many in a row, so they have - momentum!
Our struggle has been to do that in the context of my kids mom's mental illness, her being jailed and institutionalised, me loosing my home during all that, one childs aspergers, the others dissapointment with all this...you name it.
One thing I can say is we never give up.
Oldest boy is living at home going to college locally, so no empty nest until we can boot him out. At least he isn't as much of a knucklehead as I was at that age, so there is hope.
I agree on marriage. Mine has been up and down over the years, and it seems a battle at times. For me, I just hung in there for the kids when things were bad. It wasn't easy. I wanted them to grow up in a peaceful home where they felt loved and important and I was willing to sacrifice some of my own happiness for that.
I thought when I got to this point in life I would feel more of a "mission accomplished" type thing, however I now know there is no end to the parenting. And that's a good thing!
Is your daughter still playing drums? Our HS concerts haven't had someone who could really hit since she left.
All THREE of mine want to go to Bing U. My middle boy just won a scholarship to Rochester U - awesome, til' I looked it up and realized its more expensive than fucking Harvard! LOL.
Enjoy the empty-er nest, bro.
Problem is that he also has some perception difference things that make certain academic subjects harder. Consequently he must be always tuned in.
And all that disassociating doesn't serve that academic piece. It helped him survive his childhood. But now betrays his schoolings.
He's smart as hell but that's a hell of a struggle. It's 'A'.....'missing-0' ....'A'....'D'...'missing'...
My daughter, the 'normal' one, is not thusly emotionally insulated and now suffers greatly emotionally from all that sgizbit. Add in, she's not typical in a few other ways.
;-) Which - I love her forever - that stuff is fine.
Both super smart and both suffering unusually badly in different ways.
I am here though. In it deep.
Here's my two-cents... Never, never look for happiness in what you don't have. Fulfillment in your life is not having what you want; it's wanting what you have. Time goes so quickly... Cherish moments and cherish the people who share your life.
Sorry for the loss of your son.
Blessed with good health and happiness in our little family. In the world today it is more happiness and good fortune than I think I deserve so I appreciate every day and look forward to the next.
32 years of marriage never a bad day, at least for me, I'm sure she's had plenty but she made her bed and she's stuck with me.
Agree though. Life is all about people. Our fellow spiritual beings on this planet until the end, people.
Is your daughter still playing drums? Our HS concerts haven't had someone who could really hit since she left.
All THREE of mine want to go to Bing U. My middle boy just won a scholarship to Rochester U - awesome, til' I looked it up and realized its more expensive than fucking Harvard! LOL.
Enjoy the empty-er nest, bro.
x, amazing my boy and your oldest son met playing with a Thomas the Train setup on the floor in front of a New York Football Giants Sunday game! Craziness. Love all your boys, too, and it was funny seeing his reaction last time I called out B's name numerous times. Great young men, all.
My girl wasn't in the school band - just didn't appreciate the director's attitude at all - but she just a few weeks ago had her last private lesson with CA. Bittersweet. I think she could jump in with a young band right away, but it's not something she's interested in at the moment.
He said without hesitation " I never got married"
Being a teacher, I get to spend summers with them. Part of me was thinking about all the work involved in that, but reading this thread makes me think about how much they (and I) will cherish this time together.
Last night she had an accident, and came up to me and said.... I am sorry daddy, I didnt mean too. Can I stay in your bed for the rest of the night?
After cleaning everything up, she snuggled up against me smiling. It almost got to me.
Last night she had an accident, and came up to me and said.... I am sorry daddy, I didnt mean too. Can I stay in your bed for the rest of the night?
After cleaning everything up, she snuggled up against me smiling. It almost got to me.
It’s great when your kids feel like that towards you.
But a word of warning: it’s possible she peed on purpose as a means to sleep with mommy & daddy.
She's been either crying for mommy and/or running into our room in the middle of the night to sleep.
except she is no longer willing to sleep in the crib, growing too fast
2. Makes sure everything goes there way in life.
Rainbows
Oh yeah, all that shit.
No matter 1 parent or 2 in the household Its amazing watching the kids grow up. Its perilous, exhausting and exhilarating all within about 8 seconds of one another. But watching children at times reach there potential or strive for it is the most rewarding thing in the world.
Also as a parent remember its important no matter how well or poorly your children do to appreciate that they have given maximum effort.
Yep. Still mop for formerly known as the old lady. Stole my kids many more than ten years ago and I still clean their house.
I don't do it for her. I do it so the kids don't have to grow up like a crack addicts kids - in filth.
i sometimes envy my single friends who can pick up and go at the last minute to any fun destination they choose. i need months of planning to get that lined up.
but it's fun and rewarding. i love taking my little guy to soccer and watch him learn to dribble a ball or watching my girl do flips on the bars at gymnastics or cuddling them when they're not feeling well. if anything, it has strengthened our marriage as it really sharpens our communication, organization and time management.
Always make time for yourselves to be together, do not let the kids consume everything in your life otherwise your relationship starts to fail. It is easy to forget to love your spouse 1st instead of your kids, because they can do things themselves you can take them for granted, DONT! Remember when the kids all leave it will just be the both of you. Make sure you still have that bond so there is something else to be there for other than just raising the kids. Always love your spouse 1st, when your kids see it they too will do the same and they will be better people for it. Marriage and parenting are hard, you need to invest your time into both to truly get a great return. It has not always been perfect the last 22 years there have been ups and downs but through it all, 4 kids, 1 in college, 3 dogs, 2 homes I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Always make time for yourselves to be together, do not let the kids consume everything in your life otherwise your relationship starts to fail. It is easy to forget to love your spouse 1st instead of your kids, because they can do things themselves you can take them for granted, DONT! Remember when the kids all leave it will just be the both of you. Make sure you still have that bond so there is something else to be there for other than just raising the kids. Always love your spouse 1st, when your kids see it they too will do the same and they will be better people for it. Marriage and parenting are hard, you need to invest your time into both to truly get a great return. It has not always been perfect the last 22 years there have been ups and downs but through it all, 4 kids, 1 in college, 3 dogs, 2 homes I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Well said. Marriage is hard work, and you've got to go out of your way to put it in, sometimes.
My kids are great now and I hope I've done a good job. But the hardest part of being a parent is that you're basically making it up as you go along most of the time. You do your best in the moment and really just hope you're not fucking up. :)
Quote:
which was our 22nd wedding anniversary and our sons graduation from grammar school. Parenting and marriage is hard. I say it is like the stock market if you have more good days than bad your come out ahead. On the down days remember why you got married in the 1st place and why you had kids.
Always make time for yourselves to be together, do not let the kids consume everything in your life otherwise your relationship starts to fail. It is easy to forget to love your spouse 1st instead of your kids, because they can do things themselves you can take them for granted, DONT! Remember when the kids all leave it will just be the both of you. Make sure you still have that bond so there is something else to be there for other than just raising the kids. Always love your spouse 1st, when your kids see it they too will do the same and they will be better people for it. Marriage and parenting are hard, you need to invest your time into both to truly get a great return. It has not always been perfect the last 22 years there have been ups and downs but through it all, 4 kids, 1 in college, 3 dogs, 2 homes I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Well said. Marriage is hard work, and you've got to go out of your way to put it in, sometimes.
pun intended?
Parenting, on the other hand....
My kids are great now and I hope I've done a good job. But the hardest part of being a parent is that you're basically making it up as you go along most of the time. You do your best in the moment and really just hope you're not fucking up. :)
H - I am not a parent. I would bet though even if you fuck up on occasion, if done with the best intentions - your kids will know.
I don't think being a good/great parent means getting it right every time .. just staying above average. : )
In 2006, my wife was diagnosed with a very rare type of brain tumor, luckily it is the least aggressive of them, and also responds very well to Temodar, which is an oral chemo, unfortunately these types of tumors tend to recur. She had surgery right after her diagnosis and followed that up with a year of chemo. All was great until 2012 when after a routine MRI they noticed that the tumor was back, albeit much, much smaller. She needed surgery again and another year of chemo. Then, last June her Neuro-Oncologist noticed a small bit of growth, so he recommended starting her on another year of chemo, trying to get it to stop growing so she doesn't have to have surgery again. She just finished up the year and the doctor is very happy with the results.
However, my point I want to make is, life is tough, even the best marriages have things thrown at them that are very difficult to overcome. Especially illnesses like cancer. Because sometimes the treatments can be more harsh and debilitating than the disease itself. Not to mention, the immense financial burden it places on a family. After her first surgery, she was temporarily paralyzed on her left side. But we got through that. Our whole lives have changed, I picked up a lot of the slack over the past twelve years. I now do all the cooking, I clean the floors, I do Laundry. She still cleans and does other chores, but she also works full time and I get home a little earlier and also have the option of working from home two days a week. She is tired a lot, and there are definitely some minor deficiencies as a result of the two brain surgeries, and they are things that probably only my son and I notice. We worked very hard to keep thi sthing together and it wasn't easy.
Things have not been easy, but we persevered, and fought through it and managed to have a very good life. Despite some of the hardships we laugh a lot, we fight sometimes, but honestly, giving up on our marriage was never an option.
And throughout al this, we have managed to nut fuck the kid up too much, and raised a fine young man, who is a junior in High School. He has a 4.2 GPA, he is going to a program called Boys State on Sunday. He was nominated through his school. It is a program run by the American Legion where 1000 kids get together for 6 days and they form cities, and counties, and governments, and run for office. He also just was elected to be Student Council President next year, and is very active in church, he is an altar server, sings in the choir, is one of the leaders of the Teen group at our church, and is going for a week to the Catholic Heart Work Camp to help fix up some poor people's houses. Oh, and he is very active in the theater.
So, just want to say, don't give up easily, the best things in life you have to work hard for, and life isn't always fair. But, if you are willing to put the time and effort in, have people to help share the burden and support you, you can make it through to the other side.
And that quote about "Fulfillment in Life isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have" that someone put up earlier is so spot on.
Quote:
I have 16 and 14 year old and their Mom and I divorced when they were 7 and 5, respectively. I tried everything I could to make it work with my ex. If the kids ever ask, I can honestly tell them that.
My kids are great now and I hope I've done a good job. But the hardest part of being a parent is that you're basically making it up as you go along most of the time. You do your best in the moment and really just hope you're not fucking up. :)
H - I am not a parent. I would bet though even if you fuck up on occasion, if done with the best intentions - your kids will know.
I don't think being a good/great parent means getting it right every time .. just staying above average. : )
This is the right attitude, I think. I've clearly fucked up here and there and regretted some parenting moments. But, I just try to continue to get better all the time. Keep doing what works and figure out something for the times it's not working.
One thing that's also true is that the damn kids growing up makes things challenging. Just when you think you've got your kids figured out, they go and change.
In 2006, my wife was diagnosed with a very rare type of brain tumor, luckily it is the least aggressive of them, and also responds very well to Temodar, which is an oral chemo, unfortunately these types of tumors tend to recur. She had surgery right after her diagnosis and followed that up with a year of chemo. All was great until 2012 when after a routine MRI they noticed that the tumor was back, albeit much, much smaller. She needed surgery again and another year of chemo. Then, last June her Neuro-Oncologist noticed a small bit of growth, so he recommended starting her on another year of chemo, trying to get it to stop growing so she doesn't have to have surgery again. She just finished up the year and the doctor is very happy with the results.
However, my point I want to make is, life is tough, even the best marriages have things thrown at them that are very difficult to overcome. Especially illnesses like cancer. Because sometimes the treatments can be more harsh and debilitating than the disease itself. Not to mention, the immense financial burden it places on a family. After her first surgery, she was temporarily paralyzed on her left side. But we got through that. Our whole lives have changed, I picked up a lot of the slack over the past twelve years. I now do all the cooking, I clean the floors, I do Laundry. She still cleans and does other chores, but she also works full time and I get home a little earlier and also have the option of working from home two days a week. She is tired a lot, and there are definitely some minor deficiencies as a result of the two brain surgeries, and they are things that probably only my son and I notice. We worked very hard to keep thi sthing together and it wasn't easy.
Things have not been easy, but we persevered, and fought through it and managed to have a very good life. Despite some of the hardships we laugh a lot, we fight sometimes, but honestly, giving up on our marriage was never an option.
And throughout al this, we have managed to nut fuck the kid up too much, and raised a fine young man, who is a junior in High School. He has a 4.2 GPA, he is going to a program called Boys State on Sunday. He was nominated through his school. It is a program run by the American Legion where 1000 kids get together for 6 days and they form cities, and counties, and governments, and run for office. He also just was elected to be Student Council President next year, and is very active in church, he is an altar server, sings in the choir, is one of the leaders of the Teen group at our church, and is going for a week to the Catholic Heart Work Camp to help fix up some poor people's houses. Oh, and he is very active in the theater.
So, just want to say, don't give up easily, the best things in life you have to work hard for, and life isn't always fair. But, if you are willing to put the time and effort in, have people to help share the burden and support you, you can make it through to the other side.
And that quote about "Fulfillment in Life isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have" that someone put up earlier is so spot on.
Thanks for sharing that. Good luck to you, your wife and your not too fucked up son. :)
Marriage is work, but it's a labor of love.
Now with my oldest going on 34 and our marriage several years beyond that, it’s comforting to know we will always be there for each other no matter what may be coming down the pike ...
it gets better folks -- grandkids are the fo-shizzle!!!
and wait until they start telling you -- you were right about that -- or how in the heck did you deal with that Dad?
makes me weepy : )
it gets better folks -- grandkids are the fo-shizzle!!!
and wait until they start telling you -- you were right about that -- or how in the heck did you deal with that Dad?
makes me weepy : )
Congrats, gidie. Sounds like you are a really lucky guy. My Dad is also awaiting grandkid #7.
Marriage is work, but it's a labor of love.
Thanks Britt! It hasn't been easy, but we make it through. It really is amazing that however bad you may think you have it, there is always someone that has it worse. We see that whenever we go to her Neuro-Oncologist's office at COlumbia Pres. in NYC.
Hope al is well by you also. Enjoy those little ones, the time goes by so quickly. Can't believe Nick will be 18 in September.