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NFT: Seeking feedback on parent social media issue

Eric from BBI : Admin : 7/20/2018 9:16 am
Background: My 15-year old son has just started dating his first girlfriend. The girl is very nice, but there is a little teen girl drama going on between her and one of her friends. I find out this morning that the mother of the other girl is private messaging my son through FB to try to fix the relationship between the two girls.

I find this beyond creepy. My wife and I have no relationship with this other parent. I've basically told my son to stop responding to this woman and stay out of it. Now he's pissed at me but I told him it is creepy and he risks ruining his relationship with his girlfriend by getting involved in the middle of this.

My initial reaction is to want to confront the other parent about this. Am I overreacting?
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Eric. Mothers care about their daughters as much  
Marty in Albany : 7/20/2018 11:38 am : link
as fathers care about their sons.

It may very well be that this mother's actions are misguided. You say she is trying to deal with the relationship between two teenage girls. Trying to untangle the relationship makes dealing with quantum entanglement seem simple.

I would try to explain to your son what you think may be going on, but I would do nothing unless he asks you to. Otherwise, you will get the blame for anything that bad that happens [like "ruining his life"] and any good will be "in spite of what you did."

Good luck.
RE: RE: some misguided blame for  
Les in TO : 7/20/2018 11:38 am : link
In comment 14016814 bradshaw44 said:
Quote:
In comment 14016804 Les in TO said:


Quote:


social media on this one. I'm sure it would have also been relatively easy for creepmom to start sending text messages or emails to Eric's son. the fact that she chose the medium of facebook messenger is not the issue. it's the sending of the messages itself that is the problem.



Both of those things kind of fall in the social media/tech world. But those mediums are a little more difficult to obtain the information for then simply having your life on display with FB/IG/TWIT.
email addresses and phone numbers are only marginally more difficult to obtain and you can also adjust the privacy sections on social media sites to limit who contacts you, sees what you post.
I’d have my son tell the girl’s mother that he’s not comfortable...  
Crispino : 7/20/2018 11:48 am : link
discussing her daughter’s friend drama with her (Mom), or in getting involved in her daughter’s friendship issues, Let him handle it.
RE: talk to your son  
mako J : 7/20/2018 11:50 am : link
In comment 14016699 Dankbeerman said:
Quote:
in real terms explain what your fears and concerns are regarding the situation. Explaing why there is something creepy with the situation may not be easy but arm him with all the tools he needs to make the proper decision on how to handle the situation. Let him make the decision in how to proceed from a place where he will continue to keep you in tune to whats going on with the situation.

You need to look out for him but also prepare him to handle things like this on his own. By the time he hits college a situation like this would occur without you even having any idea the particulars or parties involved and he will be making similar decisions without any guidence.

That said monitor the situation and be ready to take over comand if needed. I truley hope this is a something that turns into one of those super proud dad moments when your kid does the right thing and you feel like he has acctually been hearing you his whole life.


Great advice.

Also, without knowing what the drama is, I wouldn't be so quick to judge the mother. There's a fine line between helicoptering and protecting your child from something truly dangerous. With the opiod crisis, suicides, school violence... I'd rather a parent err on this side then the other.

If it truly is just teenage drama, then dankman's advice is spot on.
BBI's favorite passive aggressive approach  
if_i_knew : 7/20/2018 11:52 am : link
Show her this post
Time to meet the other parents...  
Dan in the Springs : 7/20/2018 11:55 am : link
If they know and communicate directly with your son, you should know and communicate directly with them. I'd set up a very informal meeting. Take your cues on your next steps based on that interaction, not your son's.
RE: Oh...  
Stan in LA : 7/20/2018 12:11 pm : link
In comment 14016792 Eric from BBI said:
Quote:
the drama...

Now the friend of the girl is trying to pull my son into this. I keep telling him, "Be Switzerland... don't get involved."


Sounds to me like the friend has feelings for your son and is jealous of her friend. Typical high school. The mom should be contacting the friend's mom, not you. Let the 4 females figure it out.
I agree with contacting the mother but  
steve in ky : 7/20/2018 12:19 pm : link
No need to go see her in person. That IMO is an over reaction and would only create it's own drama, and likley embarrass you son in the end.

Just pick up the phone and call her. Tell her you aren't comfortable having a grown woman that is a stranger to your family interacting with your teenage son in that way. She will be embarrassed and get the point rather quickly is my guess.
I don't know if her behavior is creepy  
leatherneck570 : 7/20/2018 12:35 pm : link
definitely childish though. She's trying to fix her daughter's friendship by getting intel from your son. Resourceful, yet inappropriate. Not sure I'd tell him to ignore the messages. Maybe explain why she's not taking the best approach and convince him to tell her she should be talking with her daughter and not him. Give him an opportunity to do the right thing instead of demanding something. If he's a good kid he might surprise you...
RE: you contact the parent  
DonQuixote : 7/20/2018 12:42 pm : link
In comment 14016663 Rocky369 said:
Quote:
and tell them to stop communicating with your child.


um, no way.
The mom is out of line  
UConn4523 : 7/20/2018 12:47 pm : link
but that damage is done. Justbhave an honest discussion about it with your son and move on. If it persists or becomes a regular occurrence I’d take action but for now I’d probably let it rest. You’ve gotta think of the fallout in confronting the parent which can and will include your son. Avoid that until it becomes the last resort.

Social me sucks.
I hate social media much more than the next guy  
jcn56 : 7/20/2018 12:58 pm : link
I don't do it at all, save for Twitter which I just use to follow news outlets (and there, mostly for sports).

But this isn't really due to social media. This kind of interference would have happened before, just would have required a telephone call or grabbing the kid as he went to visit his girlfriend. This type of parental overstepping of bounds has been going on since people have been banging rocks together for fire.
It’s  
mattyblue : 7/20/2018 1:02 pm : link
sounds like it is all a symptom of social media madness. The lines of what people think is acceptable behavior becomes very blurred on social media. It sounds super creepy but I imagine the Mother is just a fucking moron, I think her heart might be in the right place but she isn’t thinking her actions through. Private contact like that with a minor is totally inappropriate and unacceptable, no matter the intention. Would you invite a 15 year old girl somewhere to have a private conversation? No matter the intentions it’s stupid.
Teaching Moment.  
DonQuixote : 7/20/2018 1:06 pm : link
I don't think you should be involved, except by talking to your son about how he'd like to handle it. You might decide to ignore the mom, or issue a sentence like, "Thank you for your input, I'd prefer to stay out of this and let them resolve their issues."

But in general, it should come from him, and if he is seeking guidance from you, then congratulations on having a 15 year old that is communicating with you about such things.
My take, in just a few words  
bigbluehoya : 7/20/2018 1:07 pm : link
Any action you take actually getting involved will be taken by your son as you mistrusting his ability to handle the situation. Tread carefully. Tell him your opinion, let him know you’re available/willing/ready to do anything he needs. Otherwise, I’d say stay out of it.
This is where you explain  
JonC : 7/20/2018 1:23 pm : link
how being a mystery works well with women, and let the ladies work it out on their end, no need to be involved. Grin.
RE: Teaching Moment.  
steve in ky : 7/20/2018 1:27 pm : link
In comment 14016908 DonQuixote said:
Quote:
I don't think you should be involved, except by talking to your son about how he'd like to handle it. You might decide to ignore the mom, or issue a sentence like, "Thank you for your input, I'd prefer to stay out of this and let them resolve their issues."

But in general, it should come from him, and if he is seeking guidance from you, then congratulations on having a 15 year old that is communicating with you about such things.


I would absolutely agree if it were only between his son and his peers. But when a strange grown women interjects herself into a child's life I think an adult should speak with her. Why put that all back on the child?

A few thoughts  
Matt M. : 7/20/2018 1:28 pm : link
1) I'm not a fan of social media and I'm not a user of social media. But, I'm also not sure this is really a result of social media. This mother would have found a way to interfere regardless. And, it was inappropriate regardless of the medium used.

2) I think your initial advice to your son was sound. See how it goes with ignoring the messages.

3) Besides the inappropriate nature, the advice was sound just from a life perspective. This isn't even his girlfrien's mother getting involved. It is his girlfriend's friend's mother; the mother of the girl his girlfriend is having a problem with. No good can come from his involvement, especially, with the "enemy". This is for the girls to work out. He needs to simply make sure he stays out of it and keeps his girlfriend happy.
Nothing good can come of it  
arniefez : 7/20/2018 1:31 pm : link
In person conversation is the best route but won't end well either. It's the world we live in now. Use your good judgement to handle it the best way you can. The most important thing is keeping the line of communication in your family as open as possible. Whoever these people are they will drift out of your family's circle sooner or later but they can do damage that lasts to your relationships. Be careful.
RE: Nothing good can come of it  
Matt M. : 7/20/2018 1:34 pm : link
In comment 14016920 arniefez said:
Quote:
In person conversation is the best route but won't end well either. It's the world we live in now. Use your good judgement to handle it the best way you can. The most important thing is keeping the line of communication in your family as open as possible. Whoever these people are they will drift out of your family's circle sooner or later but they can do damage that lasts to your relationships. Be careful.
Very well put.
these  
Eric from BBI : Admin : 7/20/2018 1:36 pm : link
are all great comments. Thanks.

I'm going to have my wife read this too.

I'm leaning towards letting him handle it at this point. But I strongly suggested to him that he simply tell her that getting involved in this makes him uncomfortable and this is between the girls.

If she persists, then I may pull her aside.
I don't have any advice  
Rick5 : 7/20/2018 1:37 pm : link
other than trying to weigh the pros and cons of each course of action before doing anything. It's weird stuff. My daughter is 14 and her friend's mother contacted my daughter directly through social media because she didn't approve of some conversation my daughter and her friend were having that she overheard. We thought it was pretty weird that she didn't contact us as the parents. We know her. We told our daughter to just apologize and that we will intervene if she ever gets contacted directly again. Strange.
Many people only see things from their perspective  
slickwilly : 7/20/2018 1:56 pm : link
She probably thinks since her intentions are good that she is doing nothing wrong. However if you mention to her if she would like it if you or your wife started contacting her daughter without her knowledge or consent would she be ok with that.

Same with your son. Ask him how he would feel if he found out that your or your wife were reaching out to his girlfriend and meddling in his affairs.

I don't think either of them would be ok with that scenario and hopefully it would give them some perspective on how things should be handled moving forward.
RE: I don't have any advice  
steve in ky : 7/20/2018 1:59 pm : link
In comment 14016928 Rick5 said:
Quote:
other than trying to weigh the pros and cons of each course of action before doing anything. It's weird stuff. My daughter is 14 and her friend's mother contacted my daughter directly through social media because she didn't approve of some conversation my daughter and her friend were having that she overheard. We thought it was pretty weird that she didn't contact us as the parents. We know her. We told our daughter to just apologize and that we will intervene if she ever gets contacted directly again. Strange.


A little less weird if she knows your family. It may be nothing more than the mother not wanting to "tattle" about what she viewed as inappropriate conversation that in her opinion needed to be reigned in.

We didn't have any kind of social media when I grew up but other parents would at times reprimand friends children if it were called for and they were the only adults present.
I think people are way overreacting because  
pjcas18 : 7/20/2018 2:03 pm : link
it was on Facebook.

Things are different today. If this was the 80's/90's this conversation would likely have happened face to face or on the phone. the other girl's mother would have said to Eric's son, "blah blah blah" and Eric's son would have reacted however he reacted.

Now because social media is prevalent she sees the kid has a facebook account and I assume they're friends on facebook she messages him there and the reaction by some is "how dare you talk to my son on social media, that's creepy and inappropriate"

I said I would reach out to the mother if it were my son, mainly because I just wouldn't want my son in between high school teenage girl drama, at 15, he's probably not prepared to deal with it or shouldn't have to deal with it. and the mother, however well intentioned she may be is possibly bat shit crazy since she's trying to involve a 15-year old boy in teenage girl drama.

but the mother reaching out to him on facebook is not like a stranger contacting him or a teacher or something like that, despite my Stacy's mom joke.

just my 2c
RE: Oh...  
Les in TO : 7/20/2018 2:04 pm : link
In comment 14016792 Eric from BBI said:
Quote:
the drama...

Now the friend of the girl is trying to pull my son into this. I keep telling him, "Be Switzerland... don't get involved."
yup. you try to get in the middle of a cat fight, you are going to get scratched.
Facebook has become the medium of exchange between  
idinkido : 7/20/2018 2:06 pm : link
parents of kids and the kids' friends and family members. This is especially so in high school. Many kids who are members of teams or other similar activities come in contact with other students' parents who get involved in these activities. These parents, involved in their child's life, often become involved and supportive of their kids' friends. Facebook is an open way for other parents to communicate with other kids. So some BBI may consider it to be creepy but many other people consider it to be normal. This is their means of communicating in a safe and open way for all to see.
Eric, you spoke to your son. What did he say to you?
RE: Facebook has become the medium of exchange between  
steve in ky : 7/20/2018 2:10 pm : link
In comment 14016963 idinkido said:
Quote:
parents of kids and the kids' friends and family members. This is especially so in high school. Many kids who are members of teams or other similar activities come in contact with other students' parents who get involved in these activities. These parents, involved in their child's life, often become involved and supportive of their kids' friends. Facebook is an open way for other parents to communicate with other kids. So some BBI may consider it to be creepy but many other people consider it to be normal. This is their means of communicating in a safe and open way for all to see.
Eric, you spoke to your son. What did he say to you?



Eric said she was private messaging him, and I think that was the issue. If she simply posted something "openly for all to see" I doubt he asks the question here.
RE: Facebook has become the medium of exchange between  
Les in TO : 7/20/2018 2:11 pm : link
In comment 14016963 idinkido said:
Quote:
parents of kids and the kids' friends and family members. This is especially so in high school. Many kids who are members of teams or other similar activities come in contact with other students' parents who get involved in these activities. These parents, involved in their child's life, often become involved and supportive of their kids' friends. Facebook is an open way for other parents to communicate with other kids. So some BBI may consider it to be creepy but many other people consider it to be normal. This is their means of communicating in a safe and open way for all to see.
Eric, you spoke to your son. What did he say to you?
there is a difference between posting something publically on a group page or on someone's timeline [not creepy) and sending private facebook messages to your kids' friends asking them to intervene in their daughter's friendship drama (creepy).
RE: Facebook has become the medium of exchange between  
BigBlue4You09 : 7/20/2018 2:23 pm : link
In comment 14016963 idinkido said:
Quote:
parents of kids and the kids' friends and family members. This is especially so in high school. Many kids who are members of teams or other similar activities come in contact with other students' parents who get involved in these activities. These parents, involved in their child's life, often become involved and supportive of their kids' friends. Facebook is an open way for other parents to communicate with other kids. So some BBI may consider it to be creepy but many other people consider it to be normal. This is their means of communicating in a safe and open way for all to see.
Eric, you spoke to your son. What did he say to you?


But it wasn't public for "everyone to see", it was a private message. BIG difference and definitely crossing the line.

#1) The woman shouldn't be getting involved let alone trying to drag Eric's son into this. Sounds to me like she may be a little unstable.

#2) If the girl wanted to resolve this issue and thought Eric's son could help she would reach out to him. Maybe there's more to the story and she doesn't care enough to fix the issue?

#3) This whole thing is so bizarre.
This is such a simple situation  
Steve L : 7/20/2018 2:40 pm : link
You contact the parent immediately and tell directly but nicely to stop contacting your kid. It’s simply not appropriate.

Then you tell your kid you did it. What he has to say about this situation doesn’t matter. Even if the Mom doesn’t mean to be inappropriate, your kid is 15 with wild hormones. He could develop feelings for an older woman who’s messaging him.

Is she persists you contact the police.

It’s a lose-lose situation. End it immediately.
idinkido  
Eric from BBI : Admin : 7/20/2018 2:58 pm : link
At first, he was annoyed that we were upset. He didn't see it as a big deal. "I know what I'm doing."

We told him we were not mad at him but that we were simply trying to protect him from getting hurt. (His girlfriend's parents are extremely annoyed with the other girl and we didn't want our son's relationship with his girlfriend's parents to become strained).

I think upon reflection he's started to comprehend the minefield he's walking in because he is asking for advice now.

So for those above who suggested let him feel empowered in dealing with it, that seemed correct. However, I personally expect this other parent to leave my son out of this at this point.
FYI...  
Eric from BBI : Admin : 7/20/2018 3:02 pm : link
my two kids have reach those teen years where they think they know it all. "Why are you telling me this? I know."

(No you don't kid because you're dancing in a minefield without even knowing it).
Include me with those who say...  
Milton : 7/20/2018 3:08 pm : link
Communicate with your son--be open to hearing what he has to say and share with him your thoughts and concerns--and then let him handle it.
RE: FYI...  
leatherneck570 : 7/20/2018 5:26 pm : link
In comment 14017007 Eric from BBI said:
Quote:
my two kids have reach those teen years where they think they know it all. "Why are you telling me this? I know."

(No you don't kid because you're dancing in a minefield without even knowing it).


I’m right there with you with a 15 year old. I’ve learned to accept “I know” as thank you and treat it as such. They’re listening.
First thing  
AnnapolisMike : 7/20/2018 5:28 pm : link
Tell him that 15 year old girls are batshit crazy. My daughter is 15 and it is nothing but drama.

I would tell him to stay completely out of the drama between the two girls. (it may be somewhat related to him?) Nothing good will come of it. He is old enough to say that to the mother. If she persists then it is time to contact the mother directly and ask that she not contact your son.

Now I will say...if the situation was a father contacting my daughter about her BF and his son, I would step right in and call the father without hesitation. A double standard, but I do not care.
Eric: You were right pointing out that he risked his own relationship  
idinkido : 7/20/2018 6:14 pm : link
with his girlfriend's parents. In fact, his girlfriend's parents may have urged her to cut ties with the other girl, thus, becoming a parent-child issue that he should stay out of on all accounts.
steve in ky: Thank you for pointing out to me that Eric did say it  
idinkido : 7/20/2018 6:20 pm : link
was a private communication. That,in itself, is totally inappropriate. Eric and wife and son need to come to an agreement in how to address this with the parent who sent the private message.
Think about it this way.  
LakeGeorgeGiant : 7/20/2018 7:10 pm : link
What would your reaction be if this were your daughter and a friend's father was messaging her on FB?

Sit down with your wife and son first, but put a stop to this situation in no uncertain terms.
...  
christian : 7/20/2018 11:48 pm : link
At 15 I would have been weirded out if an adult/parent of anyone in my life communicated with me for any reason other than reprimanding me for something I did directly to their kid or home.

This is highly inappropriate behavior from an adult.

How did you find out about this?
Call the parent ...  
short lease : 7/21/2018 12:44 am : link
it doesn't have to be confrontational. Just be clear that you are concerned about what is going on in general and you wanted her take and input on it.


It is a little creepy what is she doing in the middle of it?
Weird, but not surprising  
widmerseyebrow : 7/21/2018 1:37 am : link
I vividly remember how one of my high school teachers in particular loved to hear about the teen drama and gossip. It was weird then and it's really weird reflecting back on it as an adult. Just a lonely lady I imagine.

That being said I think you're handling it right. A 15 year old know what adult behavior is crossing a line if things get really weird.
RE: Weird, but not surprising  
widmerseyebrow : 7/21/2018 1:39 am : link
In comment 14017491 widmerseyebrow said:
Quote:
I vividly remember how one of my high school teachers in particular loved to hear about the teen drama and gossip.


Should also add tried to get involved, match making, rumors, etc. Weird.
Teenagers, Eric's son in particular, need to know that they can trust  
idinkido : 7/21/2018 11:40 am : link
their parents. Parents need to listen to their kids even if it makes them (the parents) uncomfortable. A parent's love for child should always override what makes that parent uncomfortable. This regrettable incident can also be a major moment for both parents and kid, working out the best solution that they can.
Stay out of it  
Vanzetti : 7/22/2018 1:33 am : link
If your son asks for advice give it to him. Otherwise, just butt out. Learning how to deal with stuff like this is part of growing up.

Also, what you object to is that the other mother is getting involved trying to "fix" her daughter's problems. Won't you being doing the same thing if you intervene on your son's behalf?
No expert but  
bc4life : 7/22/2018 10:00 am : link
if it were my son, I'd contact the other parent. I don't know that it needs to be a confrontation but I would make contact.
What seems creepy might be  
bc4life : 7/22/2018 10:02 am : link
an attempt to resolve a problem. But, I would make contact.
bc4life: Each teen is different.  
idinkido : 7/22/2018 10:40 am : link
Some teens actually prefer their parents to solve their problems whereas others would be upset to the point of being traumatized. This incident concerning Eric's son is not the first nor the last that will concern Eric, his wife, and the son. If handled right, where there is an open and free dialogue between parents and child, this can be a major step forward in how as a family the teen's issues can be addressed.
RE: FYI...  
DonQuixote : 7/24/2018 7:43 am : link
In comment 14017007 Eric from BBI said:
Quote:
my two kids have reach those teen years where they think they know it all. "Why are you telling me this? I know."

(No you don't kid because you're dancing in a minefield without even knowing it).


Been there. Just keep doing the right thing. Sometimes kids will tell you to get lost when in fact your intervention makes them feel cared for.

You can't win, because winning isn't what it's about. If your son can learn about getting into the middle of other people's business, it really doesn't matter if he feels you helped him or not. Best to yours.
RE: Think about it this way.  
DonQuixote : 7/24/2018 7:51 am : link
In comment 14017195 LakeGeorgeGiant said:
Quote:
What would your reaction be if this were your daughter and a friend's father was messaging her on FB?

Sit down with your wife and son first, but put a stop to this situation in no uncertain terms.


Interesting perspective bringing the gender in. I'd probably have a different response if you reverse the genders...I'd tell the creepy guy to stay away from my daughter...
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