NFT: Seeking feedback on parent social media issue

1) I'm not a fan of social media and I'm not a user of social media. But, I'm also not sure this is really a result of social media. This mother would have found a way to interfere regardless. And, it was inappropriate regardless of the medium used.

2) I think your initial advice to your son was sound. See how it goes with ignoring the messages.

3) Besides the inappropriate nature, the advice was sound just from a life perspective. This isn't even his girlfrien's mother getting involved. It is his girlfriend's friend's mother; the mother of the girl his girlfriend is having a problem with. No good can come from his involvement, especially, with the "enemy". This is for the girls to work out. He needs to simply make sure he stays out of it and keeps his girlfriend happy.

In person conversation is the best route but won't end well either. It's the world we live in now. Use your good judgement to handle it the best way you can. The most important thing is keeping the line of communication in your family as open as possible. Whoever these people are they will drift out of your family's circle sooner or later but they can do damage that lasts to your relationships. Be careful.

In comment 14016920 arniefez said:

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In person conversation is the best route but won't end well either. It's the world we live in now. Use your good judgement to handle it the best way you can. The most important thing is keeping the line of communication in your family as open as possible. Whoever these people are they will drift out of your family's circle sooner or later but they can do damage that lasts to your relationships. Be careful.

Very well put.

are all great comments. Thanks.

I'm going to have my wife read this too.

I'm leaning towards letting him handle it at this point. But I strongly suggested to him that he simply tell her that getting involved in this makes him uncomfortable and this is between the girls.

If she persists, then I may pull her aside.

other than trying to weigh the pros and cons of each course of action before doing anything. It's weird stuff. My daughter is 14 and her friend's mother contacted my daughter directly through social media because she didn't approve of some conversation my daughter and her friend were having that she overheard. We thought it was pretty weird that she didn't contact us as the parents. We know her. We told our daughter to just apologize and that we will intervene if she ever gets contacted directly again. Strange.

She probably thinks since her intentions are good that she is doing nothing wrong. However if you mention to her if she would like it if you or your wife started contacting her daughter without her knowledge or consent would she be ok with that.

Same with your son. Ask him how he would feel if he found out that your or your wife were reaching out to his girlfriend and meddling in his affairs.

I don't think either of them would be ok with that scenario and hopefully it would give them some perspective on how things should be handled moving forward.

In comment 14016928 Rick5 said:

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other than trying to weigh the pros and cons of each course of action before doing anything. It's weird stuff. My daughter is 14 and her friend's mother contacted my daughter directly through social media because she didn't approve of some conversation my daughter and her friend were having that she overheard. We thought it was pretty weird that she didn't contact us as the parents. We know her. We told our daughter to just apologize and that we will intervene if she ever gets contacted directly again. Strange.

A little less weird if she knows your family. It may be nothing more than the mother not wanting to "tattle" about what she viewed as inappropriate conversation that in her opinion needed to be reigned in.

We didn't have any kind of social media when I grew up but other parents would at times reprimand friends children if it were called for and they were the only adults present.

it was on Facebook.

Things are different today. If this was the 80's/90's this conversation would likely have happened face to face or on the phone. the other girl's mother would have said to Eric's son, "blah blah blah" and Eric's son would have reacted however he reacted.

Now because social media is prevalent she sees the kid has a facebook account and I assume they're friends on facebook she messages him there and the reaction by some is "how dare you talk to my son on social media, that's creepy and inappropriate"

I said I would reach out to the mother if it were my son, mainly because I just wouldn't want my son in between high school teenage girl drama, at 15, he's probably not prepared to deal with it or shouldn't have to deal with it. and the mother, however well intentioned she may be is possibly bat shit crazy since she's trying to involve a 15-year old boy in teenage girl drama.

but the mother reaching out to him on facebook is not like a stranger contacting him or a teacher or something like that, despite my Stacy's mom joke.

just my 2c

In comment 14016792 Eric from BBI said:

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the drama... Now the friend of the girl is trying to pull my son into this. I keep telling him, "Be Switzerland... don't get involved."

yup. you try to get in the middle of a cat fight, you are going to get scratched.

parents of kids and the kids' friends and family members. This is especially so in high school. Many kids who are members of teams or other similar activities come in contact with other students' parents who get involved in these activities. These parents, involved in their child's life, often become involved and supportive of their kids' friends. Facebook is an open way for other parents to communicate with other kids. So some BBI may consider it to be creepy but many other people consider it to be normal. This is their means of communicating in a safe and open way for all to see.
Eric, you spoke to your son. What did he say to you?

In comment 14016963 idinkido said:

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parents of kids and the kids' friends and family members. This is especially so in high school. Many kids who are members of teams or other similar activities come in contact with other students' parents who get involved in these activities. These parents, involved in their child's life, often become involved and supportive of their kids' friends. Facebook is an open way for other parents to communicate with other kids. So some BBI may consider it to be creepy but many other people consider it to be normal. This is their means of communicating in a safe and open way for all to see. Eric, you spoke to your son. What did he say to you?

Eric said she was private messaging him, and I think that was the issue. If she simply posted something "openly for all to see" I doubt he asks the question here.

In comment 14016963 idinkido said:

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parents of kids and the kids' friends and family members. This is especially so in high school. Many kids who are members of teams or other similar activities come in contact with other students' parents who get involved in these activities. These parents, involved in their child's life, often become involved and supportive of their kids' friends. Facebook is an open way for other parents to communicate with other kids. So some BBI may consider it to be creepy but many other people consider it to be normal. This is their means of communicating in a safe and open way for all to see. Eric, you spoke to your son. What did he say to you?

there is a difference between posting something publically on a group page or on someone's timeline [not creepy) and sending private facebook messages to your kids' friends asking them to intervene in their daughter's friendship drama (creepy).

In comment 14016963 idinkido said:

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parents of kids and the kids' friends and family members. This is especially so in high school. Many kids who are members of teams or other similar activities come in contact with other students' parents who get involved in these activities. These parents, involved in their child's life, often become involved and supportive of their kids' friends. Facebook is an open way for other parents to communicate with other kids. So some BBI may consider it to be creepy but many other people consider it to be normal. This is their means of communicating in a safe and open way for all to see. Eric, you spoke to your son. What did he say to you?

But it wasn't public for "everyone to see", it was a private message. BIG difference and definitely crossing the line.

#1) The woman shouldn't be getting involved let alone trying to drag Eric's son into this. Sounds to me like she may be a little unstable.

#2) If the girl wanted to resolve this issue and thought Eric's son could help she would reach out to him. Maybe there's more to the story and she doesn't care enough to fix the issue?

#3) This whole thing is so bizarre.

You contact the parent immediately and tell directly but nicely to stop contacting your kid. It’s simply not appropriate.

Then you tell your kid you did it. What he has to say about this situation doesn’t matter. Even if the Mom doesn’t mean to be inappropriate, your kid is 15 with wild hormones. He could develop feelings for an older woman who’s messaging him.

Is she persists you contact the police.

It’s a lose-lose situation. End it immediately.

At first, he was annoyed that we were upset. He didn't see it as a big deal. "I know what I'm doing."

We told him we were not mad at him but that we were simply trying to protect him from getting hurt. (His girlfriend's parents are extremely annoyed with the other girl and we didn't want our son's relationship with his girlfriend's parents to become strained).

I think upon reflection he's started to comprehend the minefield he's walking in because he is asking for advice now.

So for those above who suggested let him feel empowered in dealing with it, that seemed correct. However, I personally expect this other parent to leave my son out of this at this point.

my two kids have reach those teen years where they think they know it all. "Why are you telling me this? I know."

(No you don't kid because you're dancing in a minefield without even knowing it).

Communicate with your son--be open to hearing what he has to say and share with him your thoughts and concerns--and then let him handle it.

In comment 14017007 Eric from BBI said:

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my two kids have reach those teen years where they think they know it all. "Why are you telling me this? I know." (No you don't kid because you're dancing in a minefield without even knowing it).

I’m right there with you with a 15 year old. I’ve learned to accept “I know” as thank you and treat it as such. They’re listening.

Tell him that 15 year old girls are batshit crazy. My daughter is 15 and it is nothing but drama.

I would tell him to stay completely out of the drama between the two girls. (it may be somewhat related to him?) Nothing good will come of it. He is old enough to say that to the mother. If she persists then it is time to contact the mother directly and ask that she not contact your son.

Now I will say...if the situation was a father contacting my daughter about her BF and his son, I would step right in and call the father without hesitation. A double standard, but I do not care.

with his girlfriend's parents. In fact, his girlfriend's parents may have urged her to cut ties with the other girl, thus, becoming a parent-child issue that he should stay out of on all accounts.

was a private communication. That,in itself, is totally inappropriate. Eric and wife and son need to come to an agreement in how to address this with the parent who sent the private message.

What would your reaction be if this were your daughter and a friend's father was messaging her on FB?

Sit down with your wife and son first, but put a stop to this situation in no uncertain terms.

At 15 I would have been weirded out if an adult/parent of anyone in my life communicated with me for any reason other than reprimanding me for something I did directly to their kid or home.

This is highly inappropriate behavior from an adult.

How did you find out about this?

it doesn't have to be confrontational. Just be clear that you are concerned about what is going on in general and you wanted her take and input on it.


It is a little creepy what is she doing in the middle of it?

I vividly remember how one of my high school teachers in particular loved to hear about the teen drama and gossip. It was weird then and it's really weird reflecting back on it as an adult. Just a lonely lady I imagine.

That being said I think you're handling it right. A 15 year old know what adult behavior is crossing a line if things get really weird.

In comment 14017491 widmerseyebrow said:

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I vividly remember how one of my high school teachers in particular loved to hear about the teen drama and gossip.

Should also add tried to get involved, match making, rumors, etc. Weird.

their parents. Parents need to listen to their kids even if it makes them (the parents) uncomfortable. A parent's love for child should always override what makes that parent uncomfortable. This regrettable incident can also be a major moment for both parents and kid, working out the best solution that they can.

If your son asks for advice give it to him. Otherwise, just butt out. Learning how to deal with stuff like this is part of growing up.

Also, what you object to is that the other mother is getting involved trying to "fix" her daughter's problems. Won't you being doing the same thing if you intervene on your son's behalf?

if it were my son, I'd contact the other parent. I don't know that it needs to be a confrontation but I would make contact.

an attempt to resolve a problem. But, I would make contact.

Some teens actually prefer their parents to solve their problems whereas others would be upset to the point of being traumatized. This incident concerning Eric's son is not the first nor the last that will concern Eric, his wife, and the son. If handled right, where there is an open and free dialogue between parents and child, this can be a major step forward in how as a family the teen's issues can be addressed.

In comment 14017007 Eric from BBI said:

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my two kids have reach those teen years where they think they know it all. "Why are you telling me this? I know." (No you don't kid because you're dancing in a minefield without even knowing it).

Been there. Just keep doing the right thing. Sometimes kids will tell you to get lost when in fact your intervention makes them feel cared for.

You can't win, because winning isn't what it's about. If your son can learn about getting into the middle of other people's business, it really doesn't matter if he feels you helped him or not. Best to yours.

In comment 14017195 LakeGeorgeGiant said:

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What would your reaction be if this were your daughter and a friend's father was messaging her on FB? Sit down with your wife and son first, but put a stop to this situation in no uncertain terms.

Interesting perspective bringing the gender in. I'd probably have a different response if you reverse the genders...I'd tell the creepy guy to stay away from my daughter...