NFT: Parent Talk - Disciplining Toddlers

Unless of course they are literally abusing their child. I have a 6 year old and a soon to be 4 year old at home and I rarely spank them. I can think of about 2-3 times combined that I have spanked them because their behavior was horrid.

I am not against spanking obviously but using it as the only means of disciplining a child is wrong.

2 years old is just nuts to me and I don’t want my daughter seeing it.

my kids are 16 (twins) and 10 and I have never once even considered raising a hand toward them as discipline.

but friends of mine would swat their kids on the ass (at that age (2 or so) and up to probably 8 or 9 I'd say) if their child was misbehaving and that's up to them IMO. I never thought holy shit why would you hit your kid - the kids deserved discipline. not my or my wife's chosen method of discipline, but who the F am I to tell them how to raise their kids.

Unless what you're talking about is abuse (which it doesn't sound like), I don't think it's your business.

just my stance, but you can do what you want.

Not your style, so be it. It is very effective and is not abuse. It is physically disciplining a misbehaving child. Don't stick your nose on business that is not yours.

In comment 14018498 UConn4523 said:

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2 years old is just nuts to me and I don’t want my daughter seeing it.

That is too young you're right to be upset.

That would be my number one concern and I'd think long and hard before I ever allowed my child under their supervision again.

In general, I don't believe in using violence to discipline children. It's one thing for a child to fear that their mother or father will take privileges, it's quite another thing for a child to fear their parent inflicting physical pain. It's a parent's job to make their child feel safe and secure in their home.

we don’t live near them anymore and the wives and kids still do play dates so I don’t see them anyway. My wife won’t say anything so that isn’t the issue. I guess I’m just surprised at it is all. It’s “only” spanking but I can’t fathom doing it myself. Age 2 seems insane to me.

and I don’t think they would do it to anyone else’s kids. If I did see it I’d probably be going to jail.

And my wife and I discipline in different ways. Each family is different and I would never tell another parent how to raise their kids.

In comment 14018520 UConn4523 said:

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and I don’t think they would do it to anyone else’s kids. If I did see it I’d probably be going to jail.

It's one thing to spank your own child but to spank somebody else's kid is crossing the line. If I saw someone else, especially somebody who isn't family, I would lose my mind. You should never put your hands on somebody else's kid.

If the kid is deserving of it.

In comment 14018507 Gross Blau Oberst said:

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Not your style, so be it. It is very effective and is not abuse. It is physically disciplining a misbehaving child. Don't stick your nose on business that is not yours.

This unless you want them is a "safe space" later on in life...

I didn’t start the thread because I was contemplated doing so. I asked my wife hoping she would stay out of it which she did. However if it was more Han a spank there might be words. If it was ever escalated to being more than that I would t care about losing them as friends.

Back to the topic at hand I’m just surprised is all. Their kid has always been nuts, completely off the walls, but that’s also their fault. They feed her nothing but candy to keep her happy and basically runs their household. They’ve created a situation where spanking is “necessary”. It’s sad, and I don’t like hearing about it nor do I want to be around it.

Studies on spanking are not conclusive on whether spanking is bad for kids or not. It’s hard to get controlled data on spanking. But a few things are clear:

1) The data is pretty conclusive that spanking is not effective at improving child behavior.

2) Parents who rely heavily on spanking for discipline are likely to escalate to harsher physical punishments when the spanking doesn’t work.

3) The children are likely to grow up to either be bullies or to be adult victims of abuse.

my wife and I never felt the need to physically spank. Firm words were all that were needed. Our child is well behaved and respectful toward adults.

Spanking another family's child in your care, unless explicitly authorized by the parent, is unacceptable.

In comment 14018590 Gregorio said:

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my wife and I never felt the need to physically spank. Firm words were all that were needed. Our child is well behaved and respectful toward adults. Spanking another family's child in your care, unless explicitly authorized by the parent, is unacceptable.

From Radio Days - ( New Window )

a stern NO will get the toddler to stop what they are doing.

If they continue, just pick them up and distract them

In comment 14018577 Jim in Fairfax said:

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Studies on spanking are not conclusive on whether spanking is bad for kids or not. It’s hard to get controlled data on spanking. But a few things are clear: 1) The data is pretty conclusive that spanking is not effective at improving child behavior. 2) Parents who rely heavily on spanking for discipline are likely to escalate to harsher physical punishments when the spanking doesn’t work. 3) The children are likely to grow up to either be bullies or to be adult victims of abuse.

This +1000


The most I would ever consider would be for safety (i.e. toddler walking and going near the hot grill on the deck after being told repeatedly to stay away) … but even then, the real solution is not to have the toddler and hot grill accessible to each other, so shame on me for that to begin with.


And someone spanking their kid in front of me is potentially my business if the nature of the spanking is something I am prepared to report to authorities. For example, whipping them with a switch; or hitting them across the face; or any physical touching of any dimension that is clearly done with uncontrolled rage by the adult.

I don't have children - at least not yet - but I've never thought spanking was necessary or effective. Children and puppies are obviously not the same, but as someone who has dealt with raising a couple of dogs from the time they were only about 6 weeks old, I have just always found that body language and energy actually get through to a puppy a lot more than yelling or anything else does. I've never smacked/hit either of my dogs. I've always just been firm and serious when it's time to show that they're misbehaving. Screaming and becoming aggressive only escalates the situation.

It would be the same thing with a toddler. I just don't believe spanking children is necessary - I think it's archaic and just something that should be left in the past. There are better ways to teach and demonstrate proper behavior.

a cpl of spanks on the fanny will often shock them out of it but only if you dont make a habit of it.

My Mom swears my Dad spanked me when I was little ... I have zero recollection, and had a great (if occasionally strained, like a lot of sons/dads)relationship with him.

We spanked our kids when they were little. But it was rare, and it wasn't a situation where we were putting them over a knee and hauling off. It was a smack to get their attention ... and a few times, just the move toward it (like, OK, you're about to get a smack on the ass) and the desired result to avoid the whack. Never used a bet or anything like that.

And our kids (20 and 17) also today say they don't remember spankings at all. I'm biased but people mention what great kids we have. Probably not because we spanked them on occasion lol, but hey, who knows?

Side note: I see people out in grocery stores, etc. and their kids are AWFUL. The parents just keep saying the same shit over and over to no avail. The parents pretty much allow it. Very frustrating to watch.

One thing my daughter (17) DOES remember from when she was about 5 or 6 ... we were at a restaurant (the four of us) and she was being a brat. It was chilly outside (not dead of winter) and I told her she and I were going to the car to sit until she decided she was going to behave. I put her in the back seat, me in the front. Car off. We sat. Took about 10 minutes and she was finished crying at the horror!!! of being removed from the restaurant, we went back in just in time for our food to be delivered to our table, and we had a nice time the rest of the way.

In comment 14018940 UESBLUE said:

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a cpl of spanks on the fanny will often shock them out of it but only if you dont make a habit of it.

Maybe, but if you are going to do it once I’m guessing it keeps going and turns into a habit. I don’t see the point.

My kid is well behaved 98% of the time. The other 2% I just have to deal with by letting her cry it out or physically pick her up and remove her from a situation that’s causing the issue. The worst that happens is people hear her crying loudly, sucks for them. I never even considered swatting her on the ass, I really don’t see what it would do besides make her scared of me.

and often talked about instance of "kids gone wild" was one morning when my son was very young. In a diaper and a onesie. My wife had already left for work. Our daughter wasn't born yet. BeezKid wanted something, and I was getting ready for work (and to take him to the sitter's house) so he dropped in the middle of the upstairs hallway, started crying/screaming and kicking his feet/hitting the floor with he hands. I was ironing clothes down the hall. I looked out, said something like, "Wow ..." and went back to what I was doing.

I had to walk to the other end of the hallway a few times and back WHILE he was mid-tantrum. I think the first time I stepped over him I said, "Impressive." The others I just stepped over him and ignored it.

X number of minutes passed, I asked him if he was finished, he was, we went to the sitter's. That was that.

I don't recall him EVER doing that act again. Not once.

It takes a lot of different slants on things, imo, to do your best as a parent of young kids. Your way isn't the best way, and neither is someone else's. It's really "whatever works" imo. We mixed it up - just played it by ear, situation to situation.

Same deal applies with a 20- and 17-year-old. Just different scenarios.

Dr Dobson, a Christian child doc used to say to consider never using spanking unless your child has put themselves or another in a position for grave personal harm.

never say "no" to their kids or discipline them at all.

There is nothing worse than watching a kid be a total disruptive in public and the parent is doing nothing about it.

In comment 14018969 UConn4523 said:

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In comment 14018940 UESBLUE said: Quote: a cpl of spanks on the fanny will often shock them out of it but only if you dont make a habit of it. Maybe, but if you are going to do it once I’m guessing it keeps going and turns into a habit. I don’t see the point. My kid is well behaved 98% of the time. The other 2% I just have to deal with by letting her cry it out or physically pick her up and remove her from a situation that’s causing the issue. The worst that happens is people hear her crying loudly, sucks for them. I never even considered swatting her on the ass, I really don’t see what it would do besides make her scared of me.

I should add I only did this twice and it was when my 2 yr old was doing something dangerous and threw a tantrum when I wouldnt let her continue.

I distinctly recall a thread some years back when Adrian Peterson beat his kid with a switch and a few BBIers approved and said how their dads used a belt and it taught them how to act etc. Things have changed...

In comment 14018981 EricJ said:

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never say "no" to their kids or discipline them at all. There is nothing worse than watching a kid be a total disruptive in public and the parent is doing nothing about it.

I agree, many parents suck which I didn’t realize was so apparent until becoming one. A tantrum is one thing, not much can be done about them besides letting them cry it out. But in stores restaurants, etc. watching parents just let their kids do whatever they want is becoming all too common.

my father would backhand me, use the belt, my mother would use a wooden spoon, or whatever other object was handy. They divorced when I was young, but both used similar discipline separately. Even had a step father who would discipline me physically.

It wasn't that they had a bad day and said fuck it, I'm going to hit the kid.

I was rude, I wouldn't listen to them, I would do stupid things like leave the basement freezer open when I was sneaking an ice cream and thawed out hundreds of dollars of food. I would be out at all hours of the day/night without permission. I was a bad kid. for some kids physical discipline is appropriate and I was one of them. I was the kid everyone else's parents told my parents was a bad influence on their kids.

everything on Jim's list is wrong (for me - anecdotally)


1) I did change my behavior since I didn't want to get hit, it was absolutely a deterrent

2) the punishment never escalated beyond "spanking" - I did get the belt every now and then, but I include that

3) I was not a bully (other than hierarchically) and have never once in 16 year felt the desire or the need to discipline my children physically

most of the surveys (if that's how they get to those conclusions) IMO about stuff like this people lie about. It's very hard to get honest answers. I think people answer for what they want to be true as opposed to what is true (and I work in this field so I'm not just talking out of my ass - for surveys in particular this is true - not sure if this survey referenced by Jim gets its conclusions from some other means)

it's like when your doctor asks you at your annual physical how much you drink and you know you have a case of beer or bottle of bourbon per week (at least) but you answer with the "moderately" or "infrequently" check box.

Again, there is a line between discipline and abuse and if it's discipline then it's not your business IMO.

and I love how people somehow created a straw man about "if someone else is disciplining my kid...." where the F did that come from?

that a confident/firm delivery to your discipline is the most effective way to go. My wife will yell with a high pitched tone and my 5 year old daughter often fires back. When I interject with a deep tone, more times than not, she'll fall in line. My 2 year old son, on the other hand, is completely different. Right now he either laughs at us when we try disciplining or he breaks down in tears.

"get the thin belt"...tell you what, I never did THAT again.

I can count the # of times I spanked my kids on one hand. I found it ineffective and it made ME feel horrible. I often wondered if it was just because they were girls.

In comment 14019009 GiantsLaw said:

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"get the thin belt"...tell you what, I never did THAT again. I can count the # of times I spanked my kids on one hand. I found it ineffective and it made ME feel horrible. I often wondered if it was just because they were girls.

I’ve heard this too. I have a daughter and talked about this with various people. Most say it’s different with boys and that I probably wouldn’t feel bad. I still wouldn’t but I thought that was an interesting take.

In comment 14019011 UConn4523 said:

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I’ve heard this too. I have a daughter and talked about this with various people. Most say it’s different with boys and that I probably wouldn’t feel bad. I still wouldn’t but I thought that was an interesting take.

My cousins were all boys, and they def got smacked in the ass. I even did it w/o reservation and never felt guilty. (They all grew up to be just fine btw)

I’m not worried about the long term effects of it moreso than the short term and it even being necessary in the first place. Bearing a 2 year old girl (or boy) say “please don’t hit me” or “don’t hurt me” is heart breaking.