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NFT: Walking away from "lifelong friends" later in life.

Beezer : 8/9/2018 1:32 pm
It's a tough thing, and for me, has been a long time coming for several years, with two guys who have been friends since junior high school.

For different reasons, I'm at a point where I simply don't want to extend myself to either of these people any more.

The one guy has always been a narcissist-type, but all-in-all, a decent person. Was in our wedding, general a jovial sort. But over the last 12-15 years, has had a failed marriage and a few failed relationships to follow, in which he always turns to my wife and I for (1) advice (which he does not take - we are pretty straight-forward with him), and consequently, (2) shoulders to cry on.

In more recent years he's slipped into the mentality that "women are _______" (fill in the negative label and he's used it). At age 54, he's somewhat unrealistic about relationships ... one example, he was aghast that a woman (with 3 daughters aged in the 17 to 12 range) would want to take a "girls only" bus trip to NYC. This was foreign to him, and even though my wife and I told him "this is pretty normal behavior," he wouldn't accept it. In his mind, she was being disrespectful because he wanted to make plans with her and her girls that weekend. The woman (who we know semi-well) is a strong single parent and told him "too bad," and months later, they were finished (her call).

The other guy is just a constant annoyance. We don't hear from him for 6 months, then he shows up on our front stoop with a bottle of wine, unannounced (I HATE the pop-in, to begin with) and wants to just hang out. He's also 54 years old. Single. Never married. Lots of failed relationships for varieties of reasons, including that he's probably an alcoholic and because of a neck injury, pops prescribed Oxy like they're candy.

Anyhow ... venting a bit, because coincidentally, both of these guys have ramped things up in our direction this week. It's a long time coming, but I think it's time to just cut them off. Just stinks, since once-upon-a-time, they were friends, and we go way back.

Anyone experience this at any point? Where you've got an "old friend" who just becomes different, or too much to continue to deal with? Basically intolerable?

God, I've become a crotchety old man. lol
I cut off a friend from my teens  
81_Great_Dane : 8/9/2018 1:35 pm : link
when I was in college. I began to look back on our friendship and began to feel that he wasn't really a friend, or someone I wanted in my life.

I've "broken up" with a couple of longtime friends over the years. It happens. They change, we change, people go in and out of your life. Sometimes you just drift apart, sometimes it's a hard break.
yeah  
GeneInCal : 8/9/2018 1:40 pm : link
had one of those friends. Alcoholic all of his adult life, committed suicide last November. Left behind a wife and 6 year old autistic son. I should have been more upset at his passing but i find I'm more angry about him leaving his wife and son behind. Total puss move.
happens all the time..  
GMAN4LIFE : 8/9/2018 1:42 pm : link
i remember my niece had an 8th grade grad party. I want to say at least 80 kids of her friends were there. She went to a boarding school while her friends stayed in the local schools. Soon after, the friends went from 80 to 20 to 10... now in her last year of high school, zero.

Same for me. My college friend who i considered a best friend and a brother recently got a divorce and now i barely speak to him. Its sad and sucks but it happens. At this point in my life with a wife, 2 kids and a mortgage, i really dont have time for friends anyways. Plus i have a ton of first cousins so i dont need many friends anyways.
I think our age, and the number of years  
Beezer : 8/9/2018 1:45 pm : link
I've hung in there with these guys, makes it tougher for me.

When people say "life's too short," and the mean "to not have these old friends still connected," I look at it this way: "Life;s too short ... to continue to allow certain people to drag you down, or into their life's swirl (relatively)."

My wife and I don't get "involved" with their crap. But when an already tipsy 50-something guy is sitting in his Caddy in front of your house when you get home, then follows you up the driveway with a big bottle of vino, and ends up sitting on your couch for 5-6 hours (until midnight), crying and repeating himself and getting more and more drunk ...

Just ... ugh.
I suppose I should look at it this way ...  
Beezer : 8/9/2018 1:47 pm : link
not a bad thing that I've remained friendly and supportive with these two since were around 13 or 14 years old.

Not that it's pertinent ... just mildly interesting to me, I guess. They were also friends of each other for years, until they slowly parted company from each other ... gonna say, 12-13 years back. They "can't stand" each other and have zero interaction today.
Cut off a good friend from college  
Don in DC : 8/9/2018 1:52 pm : link
who was one of my ushers at my wedding a few years ago. He had turned into such a negative jerk and irresponsible sponge at the same time. Always free with hypocritical criticisms of everyone else, when his own life was a complete mess. To top it off, he owed me a fair bit of money, which he dodged me on paying back (and to this day has never paid back).

It takes a lot for me to cut someone off, but he managed it. Nearly all of the rest of our group of friends had already cut him off before I did, and the few who remained after me have all cut him off since. He's just a horrible, toxic asshole.

Beez, I don't think anything you said about your two friends would even come close to making me ditch them, but you do you.

I have known  
mdthedream : 8/9/2018 1:52 pm : link
8 friends since about 6th grade. I am 53 and in Sept we are all going on our annual golf trip. Funny thing is I value loyalty the most when it comes to people. I told that to my wife 25 years ago when we got married and we are still happily married.
One of these days..  
FatMan in Charlotte : 8/9/2018 1:52 pm : link
I'm going to have to get to the Bing just to see your face as I pull up to the driveway with a bottle of vino!
The only person I have ever  
pjcas18 : 8/9/2018 1:53 pm : link
officially "de-friended" (and this is real life not some facebook BS) is because I found out he was a 9-11 truther, Sandy Hook hoaxer, and holocaust denier - he even was convinced Boston was a false flag.

while I totally support his right to have those views, I don't need to personally associate with him, and it was 100% because of those views. Plus he had a small business I was a big supporter of that I also stopped.

Other friends like you're describing Beez, I'd probably drift apart from because they just sound like a drag to hang out with, and my time it too important to waste on people like that, but otherwise seems harmless, so my de-friending would be more subtle and not as firm.
You might define what "friend" means for yourself  
Lurts : 8/9/2018 1:56 pm : link
Someone who is fun to spend time with?
Someone who shares your outlook?
Someone you trust deeply?
Someone who knows you well and wants the best for you?

Kind of depends on who you are and what you want. Or need.

I think if you "give" advice to a friend, you're be got to let them use it how they will.

Also,you're not leaving much room here:

Quote:

The other guy is just a constant annoyance. We don't hear from him for 6 months


RE: One of these days..  
Beezer : 8/9/2018 1:57 pm : link
In comment 14033480 FatMan in Charlotte said:
Quote:
I'm going to have to get to the Bing just to see your face as I pull up to the driveway with a bottle of vino!


lol

You'd be welcome. Just bring food.

Don ... it's been a long, slow drain, in both directions.
RE: The only person I have ever  
Beezer : 8/9/2018 1:59 pm : link
In comment 14033481 pjcas18 said:
Quote:
officially "de-friended" (and this is real life not some facebook BS) is because I found out he was a 9-11 truther, Sandy Hook hoaxer, and holocaust denier - he even was convinced Boston was a false flag.

while I totally support his right to have those views, I don't need to personally associate with him, and it was 100% because of those views. Plus he had a small business I was a big supporter of that I also stopped.

Other friends like you're describing Beez, I'd probably drift apart from because they just sound like a drag to hang out with, and my time it too important to waste on people like that, but otherwise seems harmless, so my de-friending would be more subtle and not as firm.


Yeah, that's kind of what it's been like for a long time, now ... we just leave things alone and won't hear from them, until ... bam, there they are, with a personal crisis or need, usually of the emotional type.
You just need to do what is best for you and your family  
AnnapolisMike : 8/9/2018 2:00 pm : link
Heck....I have relatives that I am tired of as well and have really distanced myself from. Between my teens, my Mom and my Mother in Law...things are complicated enough.
Haven't flat out cut them out of my life  
widmerseyebrow : 8/9/2018 2:00 pm : link
but have definitely distanced myself. I don't initiate calls to hang out, etc. Even before I got married and had a kid I just realized we had grown apart.

One guy in particular: I just increasingly didn't care for his behavior when drunk or simply when he became acquainted with others-for some reason he thinks it's funny to be a dick to people he knows unprovoked. Oddly he's not like that towards me and a couple other mutual friends, but it just became tiresome being around or meeting other people with him.
I just don't make the effort anymore  
jc in c-ville : 8/9/2018 2:03 pm : link
Too much shit going on.

You want to come visit me where I live at the beach. Fine, I will put you up for a few days.

Done going to Vegas/NYC/LA to basically meet up and rehash 25 years ago.

I still have 3 or 4 that I consider really good friends and that I could have a good time with anywhere but- they have too much shit going on too. We see each other every 5 years or so.

Life gets complicated and free time is at a premium.
My cousin is absolutely insane  
BigBlueDownTheShore : 8/9/2018 2:05 pm : link
as some may know from a previous topic I posted. He has officially cut himself out of the family pretty much, and my part of the family has stopped trying to help because he just won't listen.
It's ironic that with some of my closest friends,  
Beezer : 8/9/2018 2:09 pm : link
from college, we text here and there, but live a distance, yet still have a great time and pick right up when we get together after a long time.
RE: It's ironic that with some of my closest friends,  
BigBlueDownTheShore : 8/9/2018 2:13 pm : link
In comment 14033493 Beezer said:
Quote:
from college, we text here and there, but live a distance, yet still have a great time and pick right up when we get together after a long time.


I second that. It seems my friends from Childhood are much harder to do that with. I don't know why. Maybe it's because people are forced to be friends with the people around them and the pool is smaller. When you go to college the pool is bigger, and you make friends with people you actually like to be around.
...  
SFGFNCGiantsFan : 8/9/2018 2:22 pm : link
Much tighter with college buddies than kids I grew up with.

You lose touch with people as the years go by. It sucks, but it is what it is.
Even more complicated when it's one of a group of lifelong friends  
FatHeadTommy : 8/9/2018 2:28 pm : link
I still see the group of guys I had my first drinks with and hung with through high school and beyond ... now lawyers, engineers, execs. There are 7 of us. But one of us has become so obnoxious over the years that he ruins most of our events. He just cannot shut the fuck up. He will talk about the same topics, (himself, where he's been and what he's done, and how incredible auto, aircraft and motorcycle engineering and design are) nonstop all night. He prevents or interferes with good conversation about anything the rest of are trying to communicate about, like politics, religion, women, etc.

We bitch about it, but haven't left him out of anything yet. After our last get together one of the guys declared that that would be the last time it would go unchecked with him dressing our brother down in front of the whole group.

Not at all looking forward to that, but it has to be done. We love the guy ... or we did. How do you handle this without crushing your friend or splintering a group?
Wonder if  
Steve in South Jersey : 8/9/2018 2:30 pm : link
the walk away from lifelong friends decisions have any parallels to the large increase in Grey Divorce for Baby Boomers.
The "pop-in" should be a friendship ender on its own  
Go Terps : 8/9/2018 2:32 pm : link
.
People grow apart  
UESBLUE : 8/9/2018 2:42 pm : link
for many reasons. Success (or lack thereof), jealousy, money, politics...the things that used to bring you together no longer apply in some cases.
RE: yeah  
Mike from SI : 8/9/2018 3:01 pm : link
In comment 14033464 GeneInCal said:
Quote:
had one of those friends. Alcoholic all of his adult life, committed suicide last November. Left behind a wife and 6 year old autistic son. I should have been more upset at his passing but i find I'm more angry about him leaving his wife and son behind. Total puss move.


I understand why you feel that way, but as someone who has battled depression, it is not a "puss" move. Think of how much pain your friend had to be in to kill himself. It's an illness. You wouldn't get mad at someone getting cancer and dying; think of it like that (although I recognize the analogy is not perfect).
RE: The  
Mr. Bungle : 8/9/2018 3:14 pm : link
In comment 14033514 Go Terps said:
Quote:
.

That was what jumped out at me most, too.

Long-time friend or not, you don't just show up unannounced at a person's house and get drunk on the couch for hours.

I'm assuming you've told him at least a couple times that he can't invite himself over? If so, turn him away at the door next time on those grounds. He's disrespecting your private space.

(If you haven't told him, why not?)
Yeah Iíve done this plenty of times  
DennyInDenville : 8/9/2018 3:14 pm : link
Itís totally a bitch move but it generally cleans up your life Koreaís

I will say, if your a paranoid man like myself, careful who you cut off. Some of them creep into your darkest thoughts and arenít cut off like you had planned
Koreas was a typo for ďa bitĒ somehow  
DennyInDenville : 8/9/2018 3:15 pm : link
But itís teue that if your a paranoid persOn use the old saying keep your enemies closer
sounds like  
Les in TO : 8/9/2018 3:27 pm : link
you have good reasons to cut them off as friends if they aren't listening or respecting your boundaries.

I have grown apart from a couple of long time friends, not because of their changes but a combination of life circumstances (geography, kids) and lack of reciprocity in maintaining the connection (I will invite them over and it's not returned.) I have not broken up with them or ghosted them, but it's been more of a slow fade.
Just do it.  
Gman11 : 8/9/2018 3:36 pm : link
There was a time when I said that I won't stick with "friends" just because I thought that I was "supposed to." I'm too old to hang out with somebody that I really don't want to.

I had a "buddy" that seemed to only call me when he wanted free tax or accounting work. Dropped him like a hot potato. When I see him, which isn't often, I'm cordial to him, but that's it.
Out of curiosity  
njm : 8/9/2018 3:36 pm : link
What would happen if after 2 or 3 hours on the couch you said to him "I think you've had enough wine for tonight" ?
RE: Out of curiosity  
Beezer : 8/9/2018 3:39 pm : link
In comment 14033570 njm said:
Quote:
What would happen if after 2 or 3 hours on the couch you said to him "I think you've had enough wine for tonight" ?


I don't know. Probably he'd be embarrassed, it would be uncomfortable, etc. We've skimmed along, trying to avoid that scene ... hoping all along that he would catch the hints ... like my wife does this REALLY awesome fake yawn ... lol ... and I mention an early meeting or similar. Never easy.
RE: RE: The  
Beezer : 8/9/2018 3:41 pm : link
In comment 14033542 Mr. Bungle said:
Quote:
In comment 14033514 Go Terps said:


Quote:


.


That was what jumped out at me most, too.

Long-time friend or not, you don't just show up unannounced at a person's house and get drunk on the couch for hours.

I'm assuming you've told him at least a couple times that he can't invite himself over? If so, turn him away at the door next time on those grounds. He's disrespecting your private space.

(If you haven't told him, why not?)


It's typically a "crisis" he is in, when he "pops" over ... emotional ... and is looking for advice.
Do what you want  
allstarjim : 8/9/2018 3:42 pm : link
Friends should be friends during the hard times. Some of that stuff you can control. I wouldn't allow the pop-ins, for example.

But their failed relationships are more their burdens than yours unless you let them.
I suspect if you set some boundaries  
JonC : 8/9/2018 3:51 pm : link
even without verbalizing them, those friends tend to fade on their own because you're not scratching their itch (and only a temporary satisfaction for them).
RE: RE: RE: The  
Mr. Bungle : 8/9/2018 4:00 pm : link
In comment 14033576

Quote:
Mr. Bungle said:

Long-time friend or not, you don't just show up unannounced at a person's house and get drunk on the couch for hours.

I'm assuming you've told him at least a couple times that he can't invite himself over? If so, turn him away at the door next time on those grounds. He's disrespecting your private space.

(If you haven't told him, why not?)

Quote:
Beezer said:

It's typically a "crisis" he is in, when he "pops" over ... emotional ... and is looking for advice.

I really don't think that matters. Call first. Ask if it's OK to stop by.

Especially if he's just loafing on your couch, drinking. Obviously, it's not an emergency situation. You can give him advice over the phone or texting or something.
RE: RE: The  
allstarjim : 8/9/2018 4:18 pm : link
In comment 14033542 Mr. Bungle said:
Quote:
In comment 14033514 Go Terps said:


Quote:


.


That was what jumped out at me most, too.

Long-time friend or not, you don't just show up unannounced at a person's house and get drunk on the couch for hours.

I'm assuming you've told him at least a couple times that he can't invite himself over? If so, turn him away at the door next time on those grounds. He's disrespecting your private space.

(If you haven't told him, why not?)


Agreed.
I recently just did the same thing...  
Tom from LI : 8/9/2018 4:21 pm : link
Best friends since 2nd grade... I do not recognize him anymore. I know it has a lot to do with his actions, but as a friend at work once told me.. "you give that fool sandbox credits" He walked out on his family, really messy situation.

I tried helping him and prevent what he ended up doing to his kids and his wife.

I now see what I never saw before.

He is a selfish narcissistic asshole. His needs above everybody. He mentally drained me.. and I couldn't do it anymore..

I am much happier now.
Yeah, I stepped away from two of my closest college buddies...  
Crispino : 8/9/2018 4:54 pm : link
who live near me, not because of them, but because of some of the people in our town who they invited into our circle of friends. Didnít like the new folks because of the way they conduct themselves, so we just basically withdrew gradually. Worked out great because we started hanging with a new group of friends, some of whom have become our closest friends over the past few years.
Sorry don't get it  
JerseyCityJoe : 8/9/2018 6:01 pm : link
Must be nice to have so many friends that you can drop a few you have been buddies with most of your life. I take my friends especially my long time friends warts and all. Maybe your not such a great friend either.
RE: Sorry don't get it  
Beezer : 8/9/2018 9:32 pm : link
In comment 14033707 JerseyCityJoe said:
Quote:
Must be nice to have so many friends that you can drop a few you have been buddies with most of your life. I take my friends especially my long time friends warts and all. Maybe your not such a great friend either.


Yeah. Youíre probably right.
I stopped caring abour friends a while ago  
Aqua Giants : 8/10/2018 8:46 pm : link
I am 42 and I have had so many friends get into bad stuff (drugs, drugs and more drugs)

Sometimes it just isn't worth the risk to be around people. Men are little bitches too sometimes, you think women can be bad with the gossip? LOL. Not even close.
My closest friends from 1969-1970 Bloomfield HS still  
baadbill : 8/12/2018 10:37 am : link
regularly get together.
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