It's a tough thing, and for me, has been a long time coming for several years, with two guys who have been friends since junior high school.
For different reasons, I'm at a point where I simply don't want to extend myself to either of these people any more.
The one guy has always been a narcissist-type, but all-in-all, a decent person. Was in our wedding, general a jovial sort. But over the last 12-15 years, has had a failed marriage and a few failed relationships to follow, in which he always turns to my wife and I for (1) advice (which he does not take - we are pretty straight-forward with him), and consequently, (2) shoulders to cry on.
In more recent years he's slipped into the mentality that "women are _______" (fill in the negative label and he's used it). At age 54, he's somewhat unrealistic about relationships ... one example, he was aghast that a woman (with 3 daughters aged in the 17 to 12 range) would want to take a "girls only" bus trip to NYC. This was foreign to him, and even though my wife and I told him "this is pretty normal behavior," he wouldn't accept it. In his mind, she was being disrespectful because he wanted to make plans with her and her girls that weekend. The woman (who we know semi-well) is a strong single parent and told him "too bad," and months later, they were finished (her call).
The other guy is just a constant annoyance. We don't hear from him for 6 months, then he shows up on our front stoop with a bottle of wine, unannounced (I HATE the pop-in, to begin with) and wants to just hang out. He's also 54 years old. Single. Never married. Lots of failed relationships for varieties of reasons, including that he's probably an alcoholic and because of a neck injury, pops prescribed Oxy like they're candy.
Anyhow ... venting a bit, because coincidentally, both of these guys have ramped things up in our direction this week. It's a long time coming, but I think it's time to just cut them off. Just stinks, since once-upon-a-time, they were friends, and we go way back.
Anyone experience this at any point? Where you've got an "old friend" who just becomes different, or too much to continue to deal with? Basically intolerable?
God, I've become a crotchety old man. lol
I've "broken up" with a couple of longtime friends over the years. It happens. They change, we change, people go in and out of your life. Sometimes you just drift apart, sometimes it's a hard break.
Same for me. My college friend who i considered a best friend and a brother recently got a divorce and now i barely speak to him. Its sad and sucks but it happens. At this point in my life with a wife, 2 kids and a mortgage, i really dont have time for friends anyways. Plus i have a ton of first cousins so i dont need many friends anyways.
When people say "life's too short," and the mean "to not have these old friends still connected," I look at it this way: "Life;s too short ... to continue to allow certain people to drag you down, or into their life's swirl (relatively)."
My wife and I don't get "involved" with their crap. But when an already tipsy 50-something guy is sitting in his Caddy in front of your house when you get home, then follows you up the driveway with a big bottle of vino, and ends up sitting on your couch for 5-6 hours (until midnight), crying and repeating himself and getting more and more drunk ...
Just ... ugh.
Not that it's pertinent ... just mildly interesting to me, I guess. They were also friends of each other for years, until they slowly parted company from each other ... gonna say, 12-13 years back. They "can't stand" each other and have zero interaction today.
It takes a lot for me to cut someone off, but he managed it. Nearly all of the rest of our group of friends had already cut him off before I did, and the few who remained after me have all cut him off since. He's just a horrible, toxic asshole.
Beez, I don't think anything you said about your two friends would even come close to making me ditch them, but you do you.
while I totally support his right to have those views, I don't need to personally associate with him, and it was 100% because of those views. Plus he had a small business I was a big supporter of that I also stopped.
Other friends like you're describing Beez, I'd probably drift apart from because they just sound like a drag to hang out with, and my time it too important to waste on people like that, but otherwise seems harmless, so my de-friending would be more subtle and not as firm.
Someone who shares your outlook?
Someone you trust deeply?
Someone who knows you well and wants the best for you?
Kind of depends on who you are and what you want. Or need.
I think if you "give" advice to a friend, you're be got to let them use it how they will.
Also,you're not leaving much room here:
The other guy is just a constant annoyance. We don't hear from him for 6 months
lol
You'd be welcome. Just bring food.
Don ... it's been a long, slow drain, in both directions.
while I totally support his right to have those views, I don't need to personally associate with him, and it was 100% because of those views. Plus he had a small business I was a big supporter of that I also stopped.
Other friends like you're describing Beez, I'd probably drift apart from because they just sound like a drag to hang out with, and my time it too important to waste on people like that, but otherwise seems harmless, so my de-friending would be more subtle and not as firm.
Yeah, that's kind of what it's been like for a long time, now ... we just leave things alone and won't hear from them, until ... bam, there they are, with a personal crisis or need, usually of the emotional type.
One guy in particular: I just increasingly didn't care for his behavior when drunk or simply when he became acquainted with others-for some reason he thinks it's funny to be a dick to people he knows unprovoked. Oddly he's not like that towards me and a couple other mutual friends, but it just became tiresome being around or meeting other people with him.
You want to come visit me where I live at the beach. Fine, I will put you up for a few days.
Done going to Vegas/NYC/LA to basically meet up and rehash 25 years ago.
I still have 3 or 4 that I consider really good friends and that I could have a good time with anywhere but- they have too much shit going on too. We see each other every 5 years or so.
Life gets complicated and free time is at a premium.
I second that. It seems my friends from Childhood are much harder to do that with. I don't know why. Maybe it's because people are forced to be friends with the people around them and the pool is smaller. When you go to college the pool is bigger, and you make friends with people you actually like to be around.
You lose touch with people as the years go by. It sucks, but it is what it is.
We bitch about it, but haven't left him out of anything yet. After our last get together one of the guys declared that that would be the last time it would go unchecked with him dressing our brother down in front of the whole group.
Not at all looking forward to that, but it has to be done. We love the guy ... or we did. How do you handle this without crushing your friend or splintering a group?
I understand why you feel that way, but as someone who has battled depression, it is not a "puss" move. Think of how much pain your friend had to be in to kill himself. It's an illness. You wouldn't get mad at someone getting cancer and dying; think of it like that (although I recognize the analogy is not perfect).
That was what jumped out at me most, too.
Long-time friend or not, you don't just show up unannounced at a person's house and get drunk on the couch for hours.
I'm assuming you've told him at least a couple times that he can't invite himself over? If so, turn him away at the door next time on those grounds. He's disrespecting your private space.
(If you haven't told him, why not?)
I will say, if your a paranoid man like myself, careful who you cut off. Some of them creep into your darkest thoughts and aren’t cut off like you had planned
I have grown apart from a couple of long time friends, not because of their changes but a combination of life circumstances (geography, kids) and lack of reciprocity in maintaining the connection (I will invite them over and it's not returned.) I have not broken up with them or ghosted them, but it's been more of a slow fade.
I had a "buddy" that seemed to only call me when he wanted free tax or accounting work. Dropped him like a hot potato. When I see him, which isn't often, I'm cordial to him, but that's it.
I don't know. Probably he'd be embarrassed, it would be uncomfortable, etc. We've skimmed along, trying to avoid that scene ... hoping all along that he would catch the hints ... like my wife does this REALLY awesome fake yawn ... lol ... and I mention an early meeting or similar. Never easy.
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That was what jumped out at me most, too.
Long-time friend or not, you don't just show up unannounced at a person's house and get drunk on the couch for hours.
I'm assuming you've told him at least a couple times that he can't invite himself over? If so, turn him away at the door next time on those grounds. He's disrespecting your private space.
(If you haven't told him, why not?)
It's typically a "crisis" he is in, when he "pops" over ... emotional ... and is looking for advice.
But their failed relationships are more their burdens than yours unless you let them.
Long-time friend or not, you don't just show up unannounced at a person's house and get drunk on the couch for hours.
I'm assuming you've told him at least a couple times that he can't invite himself over? If so, turn him away at the door next time on those grounds. He's disrespecting your private space.
(If you haven't told him, why not?)
It's typically a "crisis" he is in, when he "pops" over ... emotional ... and is looking for advice.
I really don't think that matters. Call first. Ask if it's OK to stop by.
Especially if he's just loafing on your couch, drinking. Obviously, it's not an emergency situation. You can give him advice over the phone or texting or something.
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That was what jumped out at me most, too.
Long-time friend or not, you don't just show up unannounced at a person's house and get drunk on the couch for hours.
I'm assuming you've told him at least a couple times that he can't invite himself over? If so, turn him away at the door next time on those grounds. He's disrespecting your private space.
(If you haven't told him, why not?)
Agreed.
I tried helping him and prevent what he ended up doing to his kids and his wife.
I now see what I never saw before.
He is a selfish narcissistic asshole. His needs above everybody. He mentally drained me.. and I couldn't do it anymore..
I am much happier now.
Yeah. You’re probably right.
Sometimes it just isn't worth the risk to be around people. Men are little bitches too sometimes, you think women can be bad with the gossip? LOL. Not even close.