OK, so ... BeezGirl is at her school of choice, in the program she was excited to be accepted into, also a member of her college basketball team. Her roommate is terrific. Her teammates have been very positive, even in social gatherings (she's said of them: "the chemistry is great, better than any of the years I played high school ball").
However, in 4 weeks, my wife and I (and our 20-year-old son, to a degree) have been riding a roller-coaster with the girl, who is an emotional wreck half the time, and it appears that her boyfriend of one year (this weekend) is a serious cause.
He decided to forego college for 6 weeks of training and a career as a casino card dealer. His family life is sketchy. My daughter's closest friends strongly dislike the kid and have encouraged her at various times to break it off. But she will not. (I suspect she does love the kid, but also there may be a bit of wanting to "fix him" involved.)
I've witnessed enough of him to see tat he's extremely manipulative. He pokes fun at our girl for being at college. Has told her over many months at various times that he found the love of his life (at 18) and that he is NOTHING without her. To boot, he once wrote to her that if she ever left him, he wouldn't be able to go on ... he punctuated that message with "and if you don't think I mean it, I DO." Meaning ... what? He'd off himself? Jesus.
So here we are for the third time in four weeks fielding what seem like desperate texts from our girl (also 18), telling us she is miserable, she wants to quit, that she doesn't care (about whatever topic is available).
We've continued to try to balance our reactions and responses. Tough love (no, you can't quit - you need to go one year there, experience that, then if your thought it to transfer, we can talk about that when the time comes), with some allowances (she came home a couple weekends ago to spend time with the kid).
Her basketball coach has been great. She texted us a couple weeks ago after reaching out, saying she'll be OK and that it's just "freshman jitters." But it's ongoing, and I think our girl puts on a front when communicating with anyone but her mother or me.
I suppose this post is part venting ... part looking for any encouragement from folks who have faced similarly rough times trying to keep their daughter (or son) at school when you KNOW that the significant other (who is NOT attending college, and who portrays himself as having been "left behind," "having "nothing," is absolutely a pull for your kid to pack up and come home with SO many great things available, going forward.
My wife has mentioned possibly sitting down with this kid and having a "peaceful" conversation. I'm a bit surprised and encouraged that her talking points seem to include this sort of thing: "Look, you need to respect her goals and support her, or maybe realize that the two of you are heading in different directions." Meanwhile, I'm thinking about contacting a friend who has a pig farm.
Anyhow, generally life is good but damn, this little flare-up moments, they let you know you're alive, don't they?
Be gentle, BBI. lol
Your daughters situation is much more complex. But that's where I'd start, if you haven't already.
He dumps her right at Xmas and she goes into a tailspin. Hates school, hates her teammates etc. She tears her knee up in spring practice and from there decides she doesn't want to go back.
We have her in a school closer to home and at the moment she is rehabbing her knee (though not as aggressively as I would like) with the thought of trying out for the new school this winter/spring.
I now feel I should have made her stay where she was and learn to deal with other people more, stay on her knee rehab with the schools trainer and still being part of the team. The scholarship money would have been nice still too.
Good luck with all of that. I hope your daughter stays where she is at and ditches her BF before he can cause harm to her future and /or any other kind of harm.
I think your approach is solid (I should since I used the same), give it a full year and then re-evaluate.
When I went away to school, I was dating a girl who was like a year and a half younger than me but two school years behind. So, when I was a freshman, she was in 11th grade and then was a senior in HS when I was a soph.
Anyway. I went away to school and she was back home and I found that I had a tough time with homesickness and not being present at school because I always just wanted to come back and see her.
On top of that, I was big into playing music back then and I had a few projects with friends back home. School was about 2 and a half hours away from home, so it was do-able for me to come back every few weeks to see the girl, write music, etc.
A bunch of my friends didn't go away to school, so they were always around and in a weird, dumb way I always felt like I was missing out on cool stuff home and wasn't focused enough on forming new friendships and relationships at school.
One of my best friends from HS went to the same college as me, so we kind of made a lot of "joint" friends (pun applies...) but they were more his friends than mine and I didn't have a ton in common with them
Long story short, years later, I really regretted not allowing myself to have a proper college experience those couple of years because I was so wrapped up in things going on back home and my relationship and everything else.
It's a tough call because the heart wants what the heart wants and your girl probably isn't going to be any more inclined to break things off with this guy if people keep telling her to. In fact, as we know, that type of persuasion often has the opposite effect.
I would really just try to continue to be supportive and see if you can convince her to give school a real shot and make a deal with her that if it's still really not what she wants, you can discuss transfer arrangements.
Tell her to give it a more honest chance without continuously feeling pulled away from it if she can and also tell her to really think through the alternatives and if she really thinks transferring or leaving is the right move.
I'm not a parent, but I know for most of my late teens and 20's I was always the guy who would want to do something more if I was told I couldn't or shouldn't. So, if you told me someone was bad for me, I'd want to see them more. Always have to tread lightly with teens and early 20-somethings when it comes to that stuff because their inner Romeo & Juliet kick in immediately.
Anyway - it just sounds to me that she's expending a lot of mental energy on the boy and is just missing other things that are familiar.
Certain schools aren't always for everyone. But I would bet that if she gives it more of a chance, she'll start to enjoy it more.
Best of luck. It's a tough spot for her to be in. I remember the feeling. But if I could give my 18 year old self advice now, I would tell him to embrace what should be one of the best times of his life and be present.
Your daughters situation is much more complex. But that's where I'd start, if you haven't already.
Thanks x ... good hearing x-meadowkid is great (love all 3 of your boys).
Coach has connected her with some counseling options ... has not happened yet, but pushing for it with her flare-up early today.
My kingdom for the "easy days" of diapers and cleaning poop. lol Embrace that shit - literally and figuratively, folks!
On a side note, it is well known that by the 3rd week, the student is committed/engaged/involved with the college or is going to drop out. If they've made connections, made friends, built a support group by Week 3, they generally make it. If not, there is little hope. So there is a strong effort by the host college to get student "engaged" by the 3rd week. We're closing in on that mark.
The only suggestion would be to maybe take a trip to her college town. Spend the weekend in the area, take your daughter out to dinner. Enjoy a fall weekend there. Go sightseeing (with or without her), shopping whatever. Is there a Parent's Weekend? Go! A football game? Go. Be there in the beginning, during this tough start. Once she is engaged, she'll make it. And it sounds like she IS involved already.
I hope this helps.
Encourage her and be as supportive as you can. Outside of that I don’t really have any great advice.
Hope everything works out for her! Good luck
Good stuff. Thanks.
Yeah, we've said one year then we can discuss transfer options. Her brother did that. Now he's very happy where he's at college. Still goes back to his freshman college to see friends, and a few of them come to our house to visit him (and go out, etc.)
I haven't told the girl that she can't see the kid. But I did tell her today that it's been a year, and I'm no longer supportive of a relationship that's wholly negative for her and derailing her from a ton of good things (really good school, playing sports, good friend group early on which as we know is NOT always the way, and if she stays in this program, she already has a guaranteed PAID internship next summer at a very reputable place of business that would be KILLER on her resume later, and ONLY heading into her sophomore year).
we were lucky because we really hammered this to our son before he went to school
sure enough he had a few moments of doubt that first semester
but we reminded him and it helped him to push on..
definitely get counseling .. it is there and very useful ..
Yeah ... more of that has cropped up, including a FB post he made last year, poking fun at college girls who have tapestries hanging about their beds in dorm rooms. Not sure what's the FUCKING FUNNY (Joe Pesci voice and heightened irritation level) about tapestries ... but there it was, him poking fun.
Idiot.
Pig farm.
Yeah ... in the works. Thank you.
Quote:
I sort of get it.
Good stuff. Thanks.
Yeah, we've said one year then we can discuss transfer options. Her brother did that. Now he's very happy where he's at college. Still goes back to his freshman college to see friends, and a few of them come to our house to visit him (and go out, etc.)
I haven't told the girl that she can't see the kid. But I did tell her today that it's been a year, and I'm no longer supportive of a relationship that's wholly negative for her and derailing her from a ton of good things (really good school, playing sports, good friend group early on which as we know is NOT always the way, and if she stays in this program, she already has a guaranteed PAID internship next summer at a very reputable place of business that would be KILLER on her resume later, and ONLY heading into her sophomore year).
Absolutely, and you're within your bounds to say that to her. It's the type of kid she will resent later on in life and wish she hadn't wasted her time on it. Relationships at that age are almost always temporary and no matter how much kids that age believe they've found their "match," reality is they're usually way off.
The relationship feels so important to her and she's just not thinking with her head as much - it's normal.
Best thing you can do is just try to keep her on track and keep her focused on the stuff that matters the most.
If her boyfriend isn't going to support what's best for her long-term, he isn't worth her time and that's what she'll have to realize. He's obviously trying to make her feel guilty for going to school because he's not in position to do the same. It's just a selfish teenage game he's playing.
But my wife is super-organized and into all the school stuff, and she told me 4 kids from our town have left college already as freshman.
All for different reasons.
One was at URI and after sitting in classes for two weeks decided he wanted to be an electrician.
another was at UWV and felt isolated and hated the location and was going through major home sickness.
a couple more had slightly different stories.
Anyway, point is I don't have any solutions, but when I saw this thread I thought of the stories my wife had and realize you're not alone. Not sure that helps or not.
On a side note, it is well known that by the 3rd week, the student is committed/engaged/involved with the college or is going to drop out. If they've made connections, made friends, built a support group by Week 3, they generally make it. If not, there is little hope. So there is a strong effort by the host college to get student "engaged" by the 3rd week. We're closing in on that mark.
The only suggestion would be to maybe take a trip to her college town. Spend the weekend in the area, take your daughter out to dinner. Enjoy a fall weekend there. Go sightseeing (with or without her), shopping whatever. Is there a Parent's Weekend? Go! A football game? Go. Be there in the beginning, during this tough start. Once she is engaged, she'll make it. And it sounds like she IS involved already.
I hope this helps.
John, thanks. It does.
The rub is that she IS connected. She has some good friends already, especially one girl on the team. Also, she and her roommate seem to be a good match. A friend of my daughter goes to college at home and this past weekend she went to visit, Friday to Sunday. I was in Boston with my son part of the weekend but I got a text photo of the 4 girls (daughter, home best friend, college close friend, and college friend/roommate) all out in the car ... at dinner, big smiles.
One minute the girl is saying she's stressed BUT it's more because she IS working hard to keep up with a demanding work load in her program. Sending photos of her projects (she's an architecture student, so a lot of studio work already, and they're working to cull the heard, as it were, so it's a challenge for a girl who cruised through high school with ease), the team went to prepare a dinner Monday at a nearby Ronald McDonald House, she's been scrimmaging and lifting, etc. with the girls.
Season starts officially October 15 - cannot come soon enough! The coach (and I agree) believe things will start to level out then. I'm hopeful.
+++
My wife just let me know she is doing a road trip to see the girl later this afternoon, to try to calm her.
This weekend is Parents Weekend, but also the 1-year anniversary with the kid, so ... we are letting her come home to see him. She complained that Saturday to Sunday isn't enough time ... lol ... I didn't openly laugh, but yeah ... TOUGH! bahahahahaha
Pig farm. Motherfucker.
Anyway, point is I don't have any solutions, but when I saw this thread I thought of the stories my wife had and realize you're not alone. Not sure that helps or not.
It does. I appreciate it. Like I said, this is as much counseling for me as anything else.
I recall going away to school for the first time. I went two years at the local community college, which felt like extended high school. Then my folks dropped me off in the mid-1980s in a stark dorm room in a brick building.
No car.
No computer.
Laptops didn't exist.
Cell phones didn't exist. Pay phone in the lobby. Collect calls home.
My first year at school I didn't even have a TV there. Had to go to the basement lobby and fight for control of the remote. Quickly realized I needed to be down there by 9 a.m. Sundays to make sure the Giants game was on TV at 12:30-1 o'clock.
I was ridiculously homesick. Had an on-again off-again gf who'd simultaneously transferred from Villanova to home, so THAT was a draw, as well. Some confusion, too, figuring out, were we "on" or "off" every two weeks.
Man, I wouldn't ever want to go back to being 18 or 20.
Now, 28-30? Maybe we could talk. lol
Seriously though, some real good advice on here. Once basketball season starts up and she starts traveling on away games with her teammates, you will see things change. I know she is only 18 and you don't want to hear this, but her going out to bars/parties after games with her teammates will make her soon forget all about home.
After a year, instead of begging to come home, she will actually dread it! It's normal to be homesick in the beginning, but she will find her way.
Oh yeah, and drop the deadbeat boyfriend. There is a reason why they say never go to college having a BF/GF still at home. That shit never works out...
I think the best thing is to stick to your guns. She must stay 1 year, try it out, and then we can discuss other options, etc. Usually the 2nd semester is much better than the first for kids who don't have the easiest time. Had a friend whose daughter filed transfer applications after semester 1. Went back after X-Mas break kicking and screaming, but refused to leave after semester 2. She loves it there now.
One of them was extremely irritating and the other one was just super, super weird. They wound up kind of becoming friends and friended some majorly douchey guy named Sam who was ALWAYS in our dorm room which was tight on space to begin with.
I was miserable. A room opened up on the 2nd floor and I volunteered to leave the disaster of the room I was in immediately.
I found my way as the year went on and then wound up in a suite with 5 other friends for Soph year and wound up having a lot of fun.
Going away to college is tough. Especially on kids who actually did enjoy HS and had a lot of good friends at home. It can be a lonely time and a tough one to navigate for an 18 year old.
It seemed to me like the kids who adjusted fastest and had the best time there were the ones who had super strict parents at home or grew up in towns where there was never anything going on - neither of those things were the case for me.
Sometimes it also appears that all the other kids are having an easier time, but the truth is that a lot of them feel the same way - they're just not showing it.
It does get better.
I think the approach of sitting the kid down is helpful, but it's not the boy who needs to be talked to by you guys. It's her. He has parents. Maybe sit them down.
It sounds really unhealthy that he is putting this burden on her about not being able to go on without her. RED ALERT! Get his parents involved immediately!
I'm really not in favor of giving someone the out of "giving it a year". Personally, I think it's BS.
May be hard to believe (eh, not that hard), but I get all that, and know the reality. I will embrace it if/when those experiences roll out.
It's a D3 program, so they're not taking flights, but they DO have some pretty decent road trips. Counting the days until October 15!
My dad took me to a few stores and kept asking me, do you want to sell lumber? No. Do you want to serve food? No. Do you want to be a price checker at Target? No. Do you want to go cut lawns or work at a dry cleaner? No. Ok so what do you want to do? That's really the crux of it, it's not homesickness that you need to cure, that will erode, it's drive and direction and purpose that you either see, instill or nurture. Some kids have it, some don't. I for instance have 7 nieces and nephews who live near me, two graduated from college, two went for a year and bowed out and now work shitty jobs and two are in school now. One is only 11 so we'll see. The two who dropped out, had EVERY opportunity to succeed and they both just said, meh, not for me and dropped out. Both work in food service now making junk money and neither has any direction or purpose because my sister made their lives to damn easy and never pushed them.
Push. Be firm, be loving but push. Show them what the consequences are, you bounce from retail job to food service job to manual labor job or you pick a career path and go get it. IF they want to work at a restaurant and they enjoy it, have at it but don't pee your money away for a degree that only sits on a resume as your kid works the late shift at the local mid range gastro pub. I have a lot of friends who do that type of work and it suits them, not all went to school and pursued more traditional jobs and they're ok with it. I would not be, so I went a different route. They have to decide what's good enough for them and what's right and they won't for a long time but keep lending your wisdom and guidance and keep pushing them.
My two daughters both went off to college -- eldest had MILD "Why am I here" syndrome, but it passed quickly; youngest never blinked. Neither were far enough way that they couldn't come home if they wanted to.
You have the complicating factor of the apparently useless boyfriend. There's not much you can say to her about that; the only thing I ever said to my daughter (older) about a bad boyfriend was, "Does he make you happier? Does he make you feel better about yourself?" But you can't push hard on that kind of thing.
Honestly, she sounds like her freshman reactions are within the fat part of the Bell curve. Monitor closely, but I wouldn't freak out too badly. And when the boyfriend goes away, have a beer.
Oldest boy went away to college, about 5 hours from home. He was dating a girl that was still in HS. Was playing a sport, so he had teammates from day one and even had a kid from his high school team there with him. We thought he was going to do great.
He was miserable, because he missed the girlfriend. Not focused on his sport, school or anything else. Made frequent trips home (when he could), but he slowly fell into depression(which we didn't really know about). His buddy was a big pot smoker and he eventually started doing that as well.
This went on all year and probably ruined his sports year and really his college athletic career.
Eventually towards April or so, he finally grew tired of being away from her and broke up with her. He started dating a girl from school, which pretty much ended when the school semester ended. That girl was a little weird, but we were just happy he finally ended it with the other one.
That summer, right away we knew he was really "off". He told us that he thought he was depressed. We got him help right away (wish we knew months earlier) and it really helped him out.
He transferred to another school, but wasn't happy there either, for a variety of reasons; none of which involved a relationship.
Now, he is back home, going to school locally. He seems to be in as good of a place as he has been in a few years.
My advice would be much of what others have said. She needs help/counseling right away. I work at a college and I can tell you the counselors here are great at dealing with the exact situation your daughter is going through. You and your wife just need to encourage her the best you can and keep the dialogue open.
I'm sure even at your age, you'll still be alive for the next chapter.
Quote:
breathless waiting for the next installment of "as the Beez turns".
I'm sure even at your age, you'll still be alive for the next chapter.
That was unnecessary.
You're kinda mean.
Predictable.
Thanks for the input, "respected BBI poster."
Quote:
breathless waiting for the next installment of "as the Beez turns".
Predictable.
Thanks for the input, "respected BBI poster."
Find one who has his shit together that you know would appeal to your daughters sensibilities.
Then you pay him to ask your daughter out.
Set up a scenario where they meet at the library, campus coffee shop, pep rally, pokemon meet up, whatever the fuck kids are into, you get the idea.
Boom! She completely forgets about Ol' Johnny Shuffles.
Things are great with the new guy for a while...
Then the rough part, your daughter finds out! She's pissed! Mad at you & the wife! Breaks it off with the guy!
She's going to do a semester at sea. No contact for months. Alone on the open ocean. She's gonna go see about some penguins or some shit.
You & wife are heartbroken. Daughter is still not really talking to you, but you make up a gift box, put her favorite childhood teddy bear in it, and see her off at the docks.
But guess what?
New college guy was in love with her the whole time! This Zac Efron motherf%cker leeps off the dock as the boat is pulling out to sea and starts swimming after her!
The movie practically writes itself!
or
Just do the pig farm thing.
Quote:
In comment 14085201 dorgan said:
Quote:
breathless waiting for the next installment of "as the Beez turns".
Predictable.
Thanks for the input, "respected BBI poster."
You are pretty annoying though Beez, you have to know this. Dorgan is awesome. Now that you are his enemy, I must become yours, again. I'm sorry Beez.
You did get a little soft, there, for a bit. Almost seemed like someone stole your log-in.
You fellas can't hurt me with what my wife tells me every day. lol Impervious.
That said, the world seems more in order now. (But thanks for the input, anyway. I appreciated your take.)
or
Just do the pig farm thing.
Ha!
Nobody.
You've done it now.
I'll have to kill Randy.
I know that's legal as long as I don't wish him happy birthday before I kill him.
It happens. I think something that may help is if some of her old friends visit her and spend some time with her walking around the campus and doing various activities (like partying on the weekend). She'll end up meeting new people that way.
Also, Beez, this might scare you, but encourage her to avail herself of the social opportunities in college. It is part of the experience. It can't be all about studying. And it can't be all about partying. But with Homecoming activities likely being planned on her campus, encourage her to get involved. Expand her circle of friends beyond roomates and basketball team.
I think all kids who are trying to make it work with a high school relationship into college should really just be encouraged to break it off. Most will just look back with regret at the time wasted or amazement they ever thought would work. But hindsight is 20/20 and it’s an emotional decision not a rational one.
All you can do is support her, I think some tough love is warranted if she’s trying to make a rash decision like dropping out or transferring. More likely the relationship will flame out and you will just need to provide some support in the transition period. Hopefully sooner than later but who knows. Christmas break freshman year is a pretty normal time for these things to fall apart.
I would consider it a red flag that the guy is skipping college and living at home, and that he’s already serving as sort of a negative influence. His life is fixed in place now and may not change much for years and years while your daughter’s life will probably be nothing but (positive) change for the better part of the next decade. Not really a compatible situation.
Nobody.
You've done it now.
I'll have to kill Randy.
I know that's legal as long as I don't wish him happy birthday before I kill him.
Your daughters situation is much more complex. But that's where I'd start, if you haven't already.
I would go with xmeadowlander's advice but not his politics.
I think all kids who are trying to make it work with a high school relationship into college should really just be encouraged to break it off. Most will just look back with regret at the time wasted or amazement they ever thought would work. But hindsight is 20/20 and it’s an emotional decision not a rational one.
All you can do is support her, I think some tough love is warranted if she’s trying to make a rash decision like dropping out or transferring. More likely the relationship will flame out and you will just need to provide some support in the transition period. Hopefully sooner than later but who knows. Christmas break freshman year is a pretty normal time for these things to fall apart.
I would consider it a red flag that the guy is skipping college and living at home, and that he’s already serving as sort of a negative influence. His life is fixed in place now and may not change much for years and years while your daughter’s life will probably be nothing but (positive) change for the better part of the next decade. Not really a compatible situation.
Excellent advice, but not a single kid that age will listen to it even when their sibling went through the same exact thing a year earlier.
Freaking teenagers.
Whose having more difficulty with her starting to run more of her own life? Her? or You?
Who has got the separation anxiety? Who has to struggle with choices knowing all the while her parents dont have confidence she will make good choices?
Who needs the triangulation, the sense of big relevance, if not the drama, so therefore keeping all parties off balance but still in the game?
For me, letting go was the hardest part of being a parent. One no sooner finally gets good at dealing with teenagers ( and they with parents) and they go try the adult thing. Nothing solves a big problem like a bigger one.
Even if they are 35, that means some days are at 15 and some items are at 55 for an average of 35. imho.
"Hey Huck, have you gone and seen your old man yet? I knows you was always fighting but while you were gone he seemed might down and worried about you"
"you know Tom I went to see him. He just didn't know the ways of the world. Everything was going to be this way and that way if I didn't watch out about the world. So I had to leave. I was gone six years in all kinds of situations and jobs and seen all kinds of things.
Now I come back nd talk to him and its amazing how much learning he's done"