Does anyone have experience dealing with a family member or friend battling alcoholism? Were you able to get them help and if so how? Was an intervention facilitated by a professional successful?
We are dealing with a brutal situation where the individual refuses to get help and while we’d like to force them to go to rehab they are an adult. There are kids and a messy divorce exacerbating the issues.
I tried getting two people to go and failed miserably and lost years of my life fighting these two idiots until I gave up. It's worth the fight though, do everything you can to convince them, and for the love of God know where there keys are and take them when you can. Good Luck with it, I don't envy you.
There is no guarantee that it will work the first time. My brother had issues for years but finally over the past two years he has been good for the first time in a long time.
I tried getting two people to go and failed miserably and lost years of my life fighting these two idiots until I gave up. It's worth the fight though, do everything you can to convince them, and for the love of God know where there keys are and take them when you can. Good Luck with it, I don't envy you.
Unfortunately, very well said.
Good luck to you Les!
At that point, some wake up, get the help and become better people. Some don't and end up passing away way too young. At the end of the day it's their life, not yours and no matter how much it hurts there is only so much you can do.
Not saying it will come to that, but it’s likely. You may feel like you are failing him or feel badly for not helping but cutting ties can give him the wake up he needs. The worst thing the family can do is keep enabling (not on purpose of course but that’s what it ends up being when he knows no one is kicking him to the curb).
Unfortunately, many don't get to that point until they've amassed a lot of wreckage in their lives.
I found it very helpful to not enable the alcoholic.
And nothing will work if the individual with the problem isn't fully committed to conquer his/her own situation.
Good luck Les.
they are the most obvious potential direct innocent victims.
Even if they do want to stop, they usually relapse after rehab
My dad was a bad alcoholic. Died at 66. My brother is one too. Life kinda sucked for both of them and they were really only happy when drinking.
Ditto for a girl I dated. I really loved her but I could just tell from my family experience that no matter how much she said the right things, she was going to drink. Cuz she liked it. Didn’t like the consequences or aftermath but she liked the wine when it was going down
My advice would be don’t become preachy. Just let them know you are there for them, You can’t do anything. Only they can
I don't know if this is true, but it sounds like it might help.
She was very spoiled growing up & thought she was entitled to a certain standard of life so her work ethic was horrific. Anyways, best of luck.
AA, outpatient, and counseling is more user friendly.
Also, counseling for those surrounding the substance abuser is helpful. It's amazing how many people have shitty skills/attitudes in a support role. There's the saying of leading a horse to water but can't make him drink, but many people don't know how to lead the horse to the trough.
The simple concept is that if people know they have a drinking problem and the ONLY why to fix it is the AA method of never again have another drink, powerless over decision making, there is a fear to go from one extreme to the other.
MM provides an alternative theory, that IF you drink within the healthy guidelines and avoid dangers circumstances, you need not quit altogether.
The meetings are very effective, and if they dont work....AA is always there.
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So sorry you are going through this. My only advice is set hard boundaries and walk away if they are breached. You do nothing to help them or you by cajoling, threatening, and ultimately relenting. Guard your sanity jealously.
maybe have a recovered friend bring the person to a meeting.
2. Face to face rule.
Otherwise it's hard to parse "discussing how to help " from malevolent gossip, side taking and excusing the other partners stuff .
Go to the person,
if you are able to do so lovingly and without judging the underlying person,
. and discuss face to face.
If you aren't able to take that approach then none of this is your business to start with
There's really nowhere in life where people are as forthcoming with their own bullshit and crazy experiences as in A A
It's confidential . Nobody is pretending to be perfect or whole .
It's just that if one is drinking it's not likely that anything else will be healed ..
.and if one is using drugs the alcohol will follow soon.
I am the husband of an alcoholic. My wife is the Real McCoy... a total 180 between her being active and her being in recovery.
No need to go into her whole story. Suffice it to say it involves lost jobs, awful family drama, brushes with the law, real jail time (months)... all of that and more.
What I can tell you is that she has 2+ years clean. Something was able to make a change... the break-through was the imminent threat of her being removed from her children, but the answer has been AA.
The miracle has come with her actually doing that program in a meaningful way.
I can tell you that I had all but lost hope. She was a liar on top of everything... the worst type. Totally untrustworthy. I couldn't see a way she could ever stick to sobriety day after day after day. But she has.
She is at an AA meeting as I write this, one where she has a very close knit group of friends. She sponsors and is active. And she has matured greatly... she doesn't just not use anymore, she has become a better person. It's a miracle, I say.
Hang in there, buddy. My best recommendation is AA... (and Al Anon for you and your family, for those who are willing).
It works if you work it... (cliche, I know, but damned if it hasn't been true for me and mine).
AA, outpatient, and counseling is more user friendly.
Also, counseling for those surrounding the substance abuser is helpful. It's amazing how many people have shitty skills/attitudes in a support role. There's the saying of leading a horse to water but can't make him drink, but many people don't know how to lead the horse to the trough.
Not denying fkap's experience... just offering my own:
My wife needed to get away. She needed rehab. She has told me that she wouldn't have gotten straightened out otherwise... and I believe it.
That said: unfortunately, there are a lot of rehab's out there... and not all of them are good. A person has to get in connection with people who know and get good recommendations.
I can tell y'all that my wife went to The Ranch at Dove Tree in Texas. My family was fortunate to know someone in the recovery business and that was his recommendation to us... so I am happy to pass it along in this thread.
People who are in a relationship with an alcoholic/drug addict need to take care of themselves and may need to work to repair damage to their own lives caused by that relationship. Professional help or al-anon type therapy and possibly ending that relationship altogether are the kinds of choices you may all need to make.
At that point, some wake up, get the help and become better people. Some don't and end up passing away way too young. At the end of the day it's their life, not yours and no matter how much it hurts there is only so much you can do.
I was arrested and spent a night in jail. Shared a cell with 25 other guys for 24 hours. We all talked about our situations and 23/25 of us were in on substance abuse charges mostly alcohol but there were also heroin, opioid, meth, and cocaine abusers. One other guy was in allegedly on a false DV allegation by his drunk wife. The last guy had a weapons charge.
That was my personal wake up call, but I needed that personal trauma to want me to change after what had been 12 years abusing alcohol.
I went on a journey of personal discovery to get to the root causes of my drinking. Tried a shrink with limited results. A lot was self reflection and researching mental health topics. Once I was able to face these issues, I was able to eliminate the use of alcohol as a coping mechanism for other problems.
I can’t vouch for any program. The courts ordered me to go through a couple. The online didn’t help. The in-person alcohol program had limited personal value. AA is likely the first place to go. I believe most alcoholics understand they have a problem but don’t have enough self respect or belief in themselves to want to change.
If those you care about don’t want to or are not in a position to change, at least position yourself as someone to turn to upon hitting rock bottom. Hopefully, your friends/family members do have an epiphany. At that time, they will need to turn to someone. It’s hard for a person to reach out for help unless you completely trust them because of the personal shame.
Good luck to you, OP, and I hope your loved ones can find peace and recover.
- Doctors Opinion
- Bill's Story
- There is a solution
- More about Alcoholism
The best thing you and all of your family can do is don't enable the Alcoholic, let them hit bottom and only help them when they are ready for help. Don't lend them money, give them a job, or a place to sleep. It is tough but in the end you have to let them get to a harsh bottom asap. Good luck my friend.
It's said that one can "get off the elevator at any floor".
Of course it's frustrating, if course the person needs to choose to change , but that choice could come at any moment , he/she doesn't need to be living in a dumpster before making the choice. Each person is different .
And some who were, are now sober, but still assholes. So what.
There are also plenty who are lovely folks who have meaningful wonderful lives and who have stayed sober due to A.A.
From afar it seems possible that ther's alot of triggering going on. Put the alcoholic through rehab and return him to the same enviroment and your likely to have the same problems. Conversely, address the family situation and the severity of the drinking may be more manageable.
But sobriety is often a first step.
Our legal system is predicated on enmity first, oppositional by nature.
If there is more going on than the drinking it often makes things worse.