So yesterday at work, I get a call from my wife hysterical. My 5 y/o son was dropped off from his bus with the back of his head split open and bleeding everywhere from a laceration, clothes soaked in blood. Another 5 year old who has a history of being an asshole, tackled my son, and drove his head hard enough into the bus floor to cut it open. My son had to have 3 staples placed to stop the bleeding.
This bully kid has a history of being violent, and apparently the bus driver decided to seat my non violent calm son next to this kid thinking he would cause less trouble. They have assigned seats, and my kid normally sits no where close to this kid. Bus driver also acted like it was nothing, a just slapped a tissue on my kids head and continue with the drop offs as usual.
So today, my wife talks the principal who is blowing this off as an accident and not even disciplining the kid who assaulted my kid. She sat my kid and bully together and made them say it was accident and he is sorry. She is putting words in my kids mouth, because my kid was clearly saying the other kid tackled him intentionally.
This is in the Roslyn school district of Long Island, and I'm not paying a shitload of school taxes to have my 5 y/o kid's head split open on the bus. I would have stayed in Brooklyn if I wanted my kids beaten up. I'm not a litigious guy (I hate lawyers), but the school is blowing us off as a a nothing incident.
Need advice on what to do. I want to beat the shit out of the other kid's parents, but they won't even tell us the full name and contact info the bully kid.
If that goes unaddressed, your son's injury will pale to the pain and damage that little fucker will get away with in the future.
I taught my kids to defend themselves, there was a bully in my oldest sons elementary school - a punch to the bully's belly ended that episode, but that same bully later kicked a unsuspecting classmate so hard in the balls the kid had damage that had to be surgically repaired.
Fuck bullies. I'd call a lawyer, and go after the kid's family, the school and the bus driver. Fuck that.
You see them do stories on situations similar this all the time and usually paints the school district in a negative light.
Quote:
In comment 14810661 Mike from Ohio said:
Quote:
Not the stalking...the idea that kids take emotional queues from their parents. Getting yourself worked up, involving lawyers and the media may underscore to your son that he is a victim, and what happened to him is horrible. Making a big deal out of it may also bring even more attention that your son may not want.
My suggestion would be to tell your son to sit elsewhere on the bus. Send him with a note from you and your wife that you don't want him sitting with a kid who has been violent. If the driver makes him sit there, call the principal.
Believe me, I understand the desire to find the kid's dad and kick the crap out of him. I am a father and have had similar reactions. But I am (slowly) learning that really never is the best answer.
I hope your boy is doing better and this is behind both of you.
This is great advice.
Doesn't this send a message that if someone kicks dirt on you that you should take it and then hide?
I can see your point. But with the caveat that I know nothing about the other kid, my 2 cents is thar the age here matters. I have 4 kids (and have coached a lot of youth sports over the past 15 years) and in my experience 5 year olds have little or no impulse control and understanding of the ramifications of their actions. I’ve had kids walk over to other kids and throw baseballs at their head from a foot away, all sorts of crazy stuff ... their brains are just not fully formed, and it’s probably way too early (at least in most cases) to say that their actions were truly informed and mean spirited. I’d feel differently if the kids were even 7 or 8.
Bigger picture, I was raised by the ethic of “never start a fight — but don’t back down one from either,” and I pretty much followed that rule growing up (with mixed results lol). Over time though, I’ve thought about things differently. There is a certain satisfaction with a scorched earth approach, but it also comes with a personal cost of a different sort — immersion in anger at the expense of using your energy to pursue the good things in life. That doesn’t just go for physical fights, it also goes for business disputes, parking spots, you name it ... there is a cost to being drawn in.
I’ve taught my kids ad nauseam that they are going to run into assholes throughout their lifetime, and the best approach is usually to deflect, remove yourself, and not let the bastards draw you in. And, in many instances the better satisfaction is in not pursuing an eye for an eye, but finding a different remedy. For example, in a competitive situation like basketball, if someone commits a dirty foul on you, don’t come back at him like Anthony Mason, come back at him like Steph Curry and drill 3 pointers down his throat ... and then shake his hand at the end. Now, there’s always gonna be a time where you don’t want to be a doormat, but I think teaching your kids some emotional intelligence works — has worked great for my kids, at least.
Lawyers cost money, media gives probably unnecessary spotlight on your kid.
I'm not saying to go punch the other father out, but tell him in no uncertain terms it's not happening again.
Having said all that, I'm sorry that your little boy went through all that. There are never any easy answers. I do think, that in some respects, the faster you get through all of it, the less traumatic for your son, but, I'm certainly no expert.
I did one year at Paramus Catholic. Fucking HATED it. More fights in one year there then I ever had combined in my life. I was a small kid, easy target for bullies.
Quote:
In comment 14810661 Mike from Ohio said:
Quote:
Not the stalking...the idea that kids take emotional queues from their parents. Getting yourself worked up, involving lawyers and the media may underscore to your son that he is a victim, and what happened to him is horrible. Making a big deal out of it may also bring even more attention that your son may not want.
My suggestion would be to tell your son to sit elsewhere on the bus. Send him with a note from you and your wife that you don't want him sitting with a kid who has been violent. If the driver makes him sit there, call the principal.
Believe me, I understand the desire to find the kid's dad and kick the crap out of him. I am a father and have had similar reactions. But I am (slowly) learning that really never is the best answer.
I hope your boy is doing better and this is behind both of you.
This is great advice.
Doesn't this send a message that if someone kicks dirt on you that you should take it and then hide?
No, it doesn't send that message.
I never said anyone should "take it and then hide"
My suggestion was to take a breath, realize almost all the information the poster has on this has come from a 5 year old and a woman with English as a second language (no offense - and that is probably irrelevant but true), and do some basic investigation.
Don't blow up, and fly off the handle without facts. especially in front of your child.
As a parent and someone who coached kids that were not my own from the time they were 5 years old and up, I learned that children absolutely take emotional cues from parents or coaches or teachers, etc - an authority figure.
if they notice you as a parent as upset about this (in front of them) they will be too. And it could lead to many unintended outcomes. Your child could fear school, fear the school bus, fear for their safety, feel like a victim, etc.
My main point was be measured in your response, explore the issue, gather as much information as possible from as many sources and if and when it's time to blow up then you do. but otherwise approach this calmly - but by no means say what happened is ok or "hide" - no idea where that came from.
But it's certainly possible this was an accident or non malicious. Or maybe it was aggressive and malicious bullying. Point is you don't know.
Lawyers cost money, media gives probably unnecessary spotlight on your kid.
I'm not saying to go punch the other father out, but tell him in no uncertain terms it's not happening again.
You’d create a potential physical confrontation ... concerning the actions of a five year old? Holy moly.
Quote:
...I'd get the parents name, get their address, and go knock on their door to correct the situation with their kid.
Lawyers cost money, media gives probably unnecessary spotlight on your kid.
I'm not saying to go punch the other father out, but tell him in no uncertain terms it's not happening again.
You’d create a potential physical confrontation ... concerning the actions of a five year old? Holy moly.
I explicitly said do not punch the father out lol...which obviously means don't doing anything physical.
But I think going there and saying you need to get your kid under control. Maybe it sets off the light bulb they need to do something differently. Hearing directly from the parent.....could work.
Then again, I guess it could run in the family and it could be a confrontation. So advice taken!
But To those blaming the other kids parents though, the kid is 5 years old?!? Are you insane? You think a parent is at fault for a five year old?? My older son, who is now 9, is a pain in the ass. He never hits anyone, but he is immature and gets in trouble in school with his friends by acting up. Every day, I beg him to behave and some days my begging works and some days it doesn’t. As he has gotten older, my parenting has been more helpful in steering him clear of trouble, but anyone who thinks that a parent of a five year old could really control his child who is a “bully” I think is being way too judgmental. The parent of the five year old is probably horrified by what his son did to the OP’s son.
Quote:
In comment 14811234 BillKo said:
Quote:
...I'd get the parents name, get their address, and go knock on their door to correct the situation with their kid.
Lawyers cost money, media gives probably unnecessary spotlight on your kid.
I'm not saying to go punch the other father out, but tell him in no uncertain terms it's not happening again.
You’d create a potential physical confrontation ... concerning the actions of a five year old? Holy moly.
I explicitly said do not punch the father out lol...which obviously means don't doing anything physical.
But I think going there and saying you need to get your kid under control. Maybe it sets off the light bulb they need to do something differently. Hearing directly from the parent.....could work.
Then again, I guess it could run in the family and it could be a confrontation. So advice taken!
Explain to me how he is going to get his five year old under control??
But To those blaming the other kids parents though, the kid is 5 years old?!? Are you insane? You think a parent is at fault for a five year old?? My older son, who is now 9, is a pain in the ass. He never hits anyone, but he is immature and gets in trouble in school with his friends by acting up. Every day, I beg him to behave and some days my begging works and some days it doesn’t. As he has gotten older, my parenting has been more helpful in steering him clear of trouble, but anyone who thinks that a parent of a five year old could really control his child who is a “bully” I think is being way too judgmental. The parent of the five year old is probably horrified by what his son did to the OP’s son.
Essex you make a good point about the age. 5 is young...as I picture this I'm thinking more of the range your son is in like 8-9.......
Quote:
In comment 14811234 BillKo said:
Quote:
...I'd get the parents name, get their address, and go knock on their door to correct the situation with their kid.
Lawyers cost money, media gives probably unnecessary spotlight on your kid.
I'm not saying to go punch the other father out, but tell him in no uncertain terms it's not happening again.
You’d create a potential physical confrontation ... concerning the actions of a five year old? Holy moly.
I explicitly said do not punch the father out lol...which obviously means don't doing anything physical.
But I think going there and saying you need to get your kid under control. Maybe it sets off the light bulb they need to do something differently. Hearing directly from the parent.....could work.
Then again, I guess it could run in the family and it could be a confrontation. So advice taken!
It’s Russian roulette if you show up at the front door of someone unannounced concerning an issue like this. You might be charming as heck and mean well, but to me it’s a recipe for trouble.
Quote:
In comment 14811350 Jim from Katonah said:
Quote:
In comment 14811234 BillKo said:
Quote:
...I'd get the parents name, get their address, and go knock on their door to correct the situation with their kid.
Lawyers cost money, media gives probably unnecessary spotlight on your kid.
I'm not saying to go punch the other father out, but tell him in no uncertain terms it's not happening again.
You’d create a potential physical confrontation ... concerning the actions of a five year old? Holy moly.
I explicitly said do not punch the father out lol...which obviously means don't doing anything physical.
But I think going there and saying you need to get your kid under control. Maybe it sets off the light bulb they need to do something differently. Hearing directly from the parent.....could work.
Then again, I guess it could run in the family and it could be a confrontation. So advice taken!
Explain to me how he is going to get his five year old under control??
Have you had any experience with 5 year olds? Not trying to be a wise ass, honestly. They are half in this world and half in la-la land.
That all said, I’m talking a big conciliatory game, but it’s not my kid this terrible thing happened too, and that paternal instinct can come on strong at times. No offense intended if I sound too preachy!