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NFT: We need a joke thread

lawguy9801 : 12/3/2020 10:49 am
I was walking down the street with my wife.

And there down an alley we saw five men beating up my mother-in-law.

My wife screamed: "Aren't you going to help?!"

I said: "No, five seems like enough."

Go!
...  
ImThatGuy : 12/3/2020 11:16 am : link
An old lady in Florida is watching the news on the TV. All of a sudden a news flash with a helicopter report comes on. And the helicopter shows someone driving the wrong way on the highway.

All of a sudden the woman gets nervous and calls her husband "Honey be careful out there. There is a maniac on the highway driving the wrong way"

The husband replies "Only one maniac? There seems to be thousands of people driving the wrong way on the highway today"
Listen  
Simms : 12/3/2020 11:18 am : link
She walked into the room and said Listen Stupid.
I love it when she calls me Listen ....
If you're an American  
Pork Chop : 12/3/2020 11:20 am : link
when you walk into the bathroom, and an American when you walk out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

European
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking  
gmenrule-va : 12/3/2020 11:23 am : link
out of his pants.

The bartender says "he buddy, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Arrr, its driving me nuts!"
A Man Walks Into His Bedroom  
HMunster : 12/3/2020 11:31 am : link
and sees hi wife packing a suitcase.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later, as she's ready to leave, she walks into her bedroom and see her husband packing his suitcase.

"Where are you going?" she asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
An elderly English gentleman walks into a pub for a pint  
GiantBlue : 12/3/2020 11:43 am : link
and sees the most delicate, little blue bird singing a very sad, sweet song in French. Next to the bird is a small hamster playing a very small piano accompanying the bird.

As the bartender brings the gentleman the pint, he just stares winsomly at the bird and hamster.

"I see you like the act. Hamster sold me on it a few minutes ago. They take requests."

"No." replied the English gentleman. "This is perfect."

As he nurses his pint, he looks up and asks the bartender if he could buy the bird for $20,000 pounds. My late wife was French and she would sing in that very same sweet voice. It would mean the world to me."

The bartender walks over to the hamster and asks him if he would be okay with the deal to which the English Gentleman rears back in horror. "Oh no, not the hamster. Just the bird. I can't stand rodents."

The hamster shrugs and few hours later when the gentleman returns from the bank- the transaction is made.

The bird and hamster give their farewells and the gentleman takes the bird in a small cage he bought as well to transport home.

As they leave, the hamster turns to the bartender. "Do you think he will mind when he gets home and finds out I am a Ventriloquist"?
.  
smshmth8690 : 12/3/2020 11:49 am : link
"A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says,'I suppose you won't be needing a drink.' Naked lady says..."
Would you like to hear me tell a joke?  
SFGFNCGiantsFan : 12/3/2020 11:52 am : link
Yeah...we'd love to hear a joke from now.
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Go fuck yourselves.
a prostitue is having a conversation with a guy at in a bar  
cjac : 12/3/2020 12:15 pm : link
so he finally asks "how much do you charge?"

she says, "i'll tell you what, i'll do whatever you want for only $500, but your request can only be 3 words"

so he says "paint my house"
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?  
NBGblue : 12/3/2020 12:22 pm : link
They say he made a mint !
Did you hear  
pjcas18 : 12/3/2020 12:26 pm : link
about the 100 pound midget with 50 pound balls?


he was half nuts.
Know what really burns my ass?  
pjcas18 : 12/3/2020 12:27 pm : link


A midget with a cigar.
RE: A Man Walks Into His Bedroom  
WeekendLife56 : 12/3/2020 12:34 pm : link
In comment 15065032 HMunster said:
Quote:
and sees hi wife packing a suitcase.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later, as she's ready to leave, she walks into her bedroom and see her husband packing his suitcase.

"Where are you going?" she asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."


Read them all so far, this one made me laugh
...  
jtdukedfw : 12/3/2020 12:45 pm : link
Hasidic Jew walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder bartender says "where did you get that" Parrot says "brooklyn theres millions of them there".
...  
JayBinQueens : 12/3/2020 12:46 pm : link
Two nuns were sitting on a park bench when a naked man runs by.

One of the nuns had a stroke.

The other couldn't reach
Carson Wentz leads the league in turnovers and their OL is in shambles  
j_rud : 12/3/2020 1:48 pm : link
Not a joke per se, but sweet Jesus does it make me smile.
Paddy  
gerry123 : 12/3/2020 4:48 pm : link
is not feeling well and goes to see his doctor.

Dr says -I'll take some tests, come back tomorrow.

Paddy comes back and asks the Dr- what did the tests say?

Dr says - Paddy, you are seriously ill.

Paddy says - seriously ill, what do you recommend?

Dr says - at this stage I recommend mud baths.

Paddy says - I'm seriously ill and you recommend mud baths - will that cure me?

The Dr says - no, but it will get you used to the dirt
This one is probably older than your grandma  
Gman11 : 12/3/2020 4:52 pm : link
Guy walks up to a lady and says, "Would you have sex with me for $5000."

She thinks about it says, "I can really use the money so, yeah, I would."

He says, "How about for $50?"

She says, "What kind of person do you think I am?"

He replies, "We know what kind of person you are, we're just haggling over the price."
Well...  
Johnny5 : 12/3/2020 9:37 pm : link
My computer wasn't working so I had the neighbor's kid fix it. He's a whiz. He fixed it in like 3 minutes, and as he started to leave I said "So what was the problem?" He said "It was an ID ten T issue." I said ID ten t... never heard of that. What is it? He said write it down, you'll understand.

So I did below:






ID10T

Did I mention I can't stand that little phucquer?

a lonely guy with a wood eye goes to a singles dance  
gtt350 : 12/3/2020 10:24 pm : link
he is ignored.
In the corner is a girl sitting alone evidently because of her big nose.
The guy approaches and asks her would you like to dance.
excited she says would I would I
to which he replys Big nose big nose
Check mate  
V.I.G. : 12/4/2020 12:08 am : link
Husband comes home hammered.
Wife is annoyed and asks where he’s been.
Husband says I was hanging out at Timmy’s house.
Suspicious wife calls Timmy on the spot.
“Hi Timmy, did Johnny visit you tonight?”
“Hi Claire, absolutely. Johnny is still here”
Another bar joke...  
PA Aggie : 12/4/2020 8:20 am : link
Guy is drinking at a dive bar, says to the bartender, "I bet you $50 I can get up on the bar and pee to the end of the bar."

Not a crowded night, bartender says, "You're on."

Guys gets up, pees, misses by 12 feet.

Gets down off the bar, pays the bartender the $50, bartender says, "You didn't even get halfway, why the hell do you think you could win that?"

Guys says, "See that guy over there, he bet me $100 I couldn't piss on your bar."
RE: a lonely guy with a wood eye goes to a singles dance  
Johnny5 : 12/4/2020 3:30 pm : link
In comment 15065513 gtt350 said:
Quote:
he is ignored.
In the corner is a girl sitting alone evidently because of her big nose.
The guy approaches and asks her would you like to dance.
excited she says would I would I
to which he replys Big nose big nose

lol this one made me laugh
Did you hear about the guy with 5 penises?  
LBH15 : 12/4/2020 3:52 pm : link
His pants fit like a glove.
Why did the moron throw the clock out the window?  
adamg : 12/4/2020 4:26 pm : link
Because it reminded him of Richard Clock, the man guilty of knife-raping his wife.
My wife left me...  
BamaBlue : 12/4/2020 4:43 pm : link
...because she says I’m too obsessed with Giants football.


Oh well, at least we had 5 good seasons together.
Dolphin are smart fish.  
Grey Pilgrim : 12/4/2020 4:49 pm : link
That's why they're in schools!

LOL
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey...  
EricJ : 12/4/2020 5:33 pm : link
while he is at the bar having a drink, the monkey is over by the pool tables. He grabs a cue ball, opens his mouth wide and swallows the cue ball

Bartender: Did you see what your monkey did?

Man: No, what did he do?

Bartender: He swallowed my cue ball!

Man: I am sorry.. he eats anything he can fit into his mouth.

The man paid for his drink and the cue ball an left the bar.

The following week the man comes back into the bar again with his monkey. This time, the monkey jumps up onto the bar down the far end where the bartender has the small containers holding the olives and other drink ingredients.

The monkey takes a maraschino cherry by the stem, sticks it up his ass... pulls it out, and then he eats it.

Bartender: OMG.. did you see what your monkey did this time??!!!

Man: No, I am afraid to ask

Bartender: He put the maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, then he ate it!

Man: Well.. after he ate that cue ball, he likes to measure everything first before he eats it.
EricJ  
Johnny5 : 12/4/2020 7:56 pm : link
OK I lol'ed at that one
You guys are killing me ... Lol.  
short lease : 12/5/2020 12:20 am : link

A drunk guy goes up to a beautiful woman at the bar and tells her how attracted to her he is and wants to fuck her brains out.

She is insulted and beats the crap out of him - knocks him out.

He comes to and crawls back to his stool (right next to her) and says "So, I guess a blow job is out of the question?"

Bang, pow , boom, ....
A man is concerned because he believes his wife is going deaf  
steve in ky : 12/5/2020 1:30 am : link
He talks to his family doctor to seek his advise. The doctor tells him to find out how serious it is that he should go home and speaking in a normal tone say something to her from a distance and keep moving closer to determine how close he has to get until she can hear him.

He goes home and while sitting in the living room asks, “what’s for supper”? She doesn’t answer so he gets up and goes to the door and again, “what’s for supper”? Again no response from his wife so he walks into the hallway and again asks, “what’s for supper”? Still no response so he enters the kitchen and sees his wife is at the sink with her back turned to him, nervous and now worried for her he enters the room and again asks, “what’s for supper”? This time she answers, “for the fourth time beef stew”!
RE: a lonely guy with a wood eye goes to a singles dance  
steve in ky : 12/5/2020 1:35 am : link
In comment 15065513 gtt350 said:
Quote:
he is ignored.
In the corner is a girl sitting alone evidently because of her big nose.
The guy approaches and asks her would you like to dance.
excited she says would I would I
to which he replys Big nose big nose


That one brings back good memories as my dad told it to me about fifty years ago.
So there once was this wasp  
jhibb : 12/5/2020 2:22 am : link
that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colours. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that jazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that jazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.

He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.

Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.
After a long and particularly stressful Spring of migrating,  
Leg of Theismann : 12/5/2020 4:52 am : link
a penguin decides that, now that his busy season is over, he deserves to treat himself to a nice summer vacation. One of his bucket-list items has always been to take a road trip across the country from New York to California. So he flies into JFK, rents a Hyundai Elantra, and starts on his way...

As he’s passing through Mississippi he notices the Check Engine light is on. He pulls over, gets out, opens the hood, and sees oil is dripping from the motor. “Jesus,” he says, “I knew it— never trust the Koreans” (he is a racist penguin btw, fought in the Korean War and has PTSD from his time as a POW)...

He doesn’t know shit about cars, so he pulls out his phone and luckily finds a mechanic on google who’s not far off the nearest exit. He takes his car into this mechanic and the mechanic says he’ll need about an hour to check it out...

So the penguin needs to kill some time. He’s sees a Dairy Queen across the street and, being a penguin in this hot ass Mississippi summer, he thinks: what would be better than a nice cold treat to hit the spot? He walks over and orders a large cone of vanilla ice cream. But, because the poor bastard doesn’t have any hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak trying to eat it...

After it’s been about an hour, the penguin goes back to the mechanic to find out what’s wrong with the Elantra. The mechanic sees him coming, peeps his head out from under the hood, and says “so, sir— it looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The penguin says: “What?! No no no— It’s just a little ice cream!”
RE: So there once was this wasp  
short lease : 12/6/2020 5:25 am : link
In comment 15066303 jhibb said:
Quote:
that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colours. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that jazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that jazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.

He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.

Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.


ugghh ... that was painful

; ) : )
what do Lawyers use for birth control?  
gtt350 : 12/7/2020 6:05 pm : link








their personalities
The older one gets the funnier dry jokes get.  
Grey Pilgrim : 12/7/2020 6:10 pm : link
lol
RE: what do Lawyers use for birth control?  
lawguy9801 : 12/8/2020 12:09 am : link
In comment 15071587 gtt350 said:
Quote:








their personalities


TRUTH!
Why did the Snowman smile?  
chick310 : 12/8/2020 9:32 am : link
Because he saw the snowblower coming.
RE: After a long and particularly stressful Spring of migrating,  
Ron from Ninerland : 12/8/2020 3:55 pm : link
In comment 15066307 Leg of Theismann said:
Quote:
a penguin decides that, now that his busy season is over, he deserves to treat himself to a nice summer vacation. One of his bucket-list items has always been to take a road trip across the country from New York to California. So he flies into JFK, rents a Hyundai Elantra, and starts on his way...

As he’s passing through Mississippi he notices the Check Engine light is on. He pulls over, gets out, opens the hood, and sees oil is dripping from the motor. “Jesus,” he says, “I knew it— never trust the Koreans” (he is a racist penguin btw, fought in the Korean War and has PTSD from his time as a POW)...

He doesn’t know shit about cars, so he pulls out his phone and luckily finds a mechanic on google who’s not far off the nearest exit. He takes his car into this mechanic and the mechanic says he’ll need about an hour to check it out...

So the penguin needs to kill some time. He’s sees a Dairy Queen across the street and, being a penguin in this hot ass Mississippi summer, he thinks: what would be better than a nice cold treat to hit the spot? He walks over and orders a large cone of vanilla ice cream. But, because the poor bastard doesn’t have any hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak trying to eat it...

After it’s been about an hour, the penguin goes back to the mechanic to find out what’s wrong with the Elantra. The mechanic sees him coming, peeps his head out from under the hood, and says “so, sir— it looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The penguin says: “What?! No no no— It’s just a little ice cream!”
Best joke here.
Did you hear about Carson Wentz's new job ?  
Ron from Ninerland : 12/8/2020 4:04 pm : link
The Director of the CIA recruited him to lead a commando squad into Iran to overthrow Ayatollah Khamenei.

When the director was asked what special qualifications Wentz has, he responded "He overthrows everybody".
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