An old lady in Florida is watching the news on the TV. All of a sudden a news flash with a helicopter report comes on. And the helicopter shows someone driving the wrong way on the highway.
All of a sudden the woman gets nervous and calls her husband "Honey be careful out there. There is a maniac on the highway driving the wrong way"
The husband replies "Only one maniac? There seems to be thousands of people driving the wrong way on the highway today"
and sees the most delicate, little blue bird singing a very sad, sweet song in French. Next to the bird is a small hamster playing a very small piano accompanying the bird.
As the bartender brings the gentleman the pint, he just stares winsomly at the bird and hamster.
"I see you like the act. Hamster sold me on it a few minutes ago. They take requests."
"No." replied the English gentleman. "This is perfect."
As he nurses his pint, he looks up and asks the bartender if he could buy the bird for $20,000 pounds. My late wife was French and she would sing in that very same sweet voice. It would mean the world to me."
The bartender walks over to the hamster and asks him if he would be okay with the deal to which the English Gentleman rears back in horror. "Oh no, not the hamster. Just the bird. I can't stand rodents."
The hamster shrugs and few hours later when the gentleman returns from the bank- the transaction is made.
The bird and hamster give their farewells and the gentleman takes the bird in a small cage he bought as well to transport home.
As they leave, the hamster turns to the bartender. "Do you think he will mind when he gets home and finds out I am a Ventriloquist"?
"A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says,'I suppose you won't be needing a drink.' Naked lady says..."
Hasidic Jew walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder bartender says "where did you get that" Parrot says "brooklyn theres millions of them there".
My computer wasn't working so I had the neighbor's kid fix it. He's a whiz. He fixed it in like 3 minutes, and as he started to leave I said "So what was the problem?" He said "It was an ID ten T issue." I said ID ten t... never heard of that. What is it? He said write it down, you'll understand.
So I did below:
ID10T
Did I mention I can't stand that little phucquer?
a lonely guy with a wood eye goes to a singles dance
he is ignored.
In the corner is a girl sitting alone evidently because of her big nose.
The guy approaches and asks her would you like to dance.
excited she says would I would I
to which he replys Big nose big nose
Husband comes home hammered.
Wife is annoyed and asks where he’s been.
Husband says I was hanging out at Timmy’s house.
Suspicious wife calls Timmy on the spot.
“Hi Timmy, did Johnny visit you tonight?”
“Hi Claire, absolutely. Johnny is still here”
he is ignored.
In the corner is a girl sitting alone evidently because of her big nose.
The guy approaches and asks her would you like to dance.
excited she says would I would I
to which he replys Big nose big nose
while he is at the bar having a drink, the monkey is over by the pool tables. He grabs a cue ball, opens his mouth wide and swallows the cue ball
Bartender: Did you see what your monkey did?
Man: No, what did he do?
Bartender: He swallowed my cue ball!
Man: I am sorry.. he eats anything he can fit into his mouth.
The man paid for his drink and the cue ball an left the bar.
The following week the man comes back into the bar again with his monkey. This time, the monkey jumps up onto the bar down the far end where the bartender has the small containers holding the olives and other drink ingredients.
The monkey takes a maraschino cherry by the stem, sticks it up his ass... pulls it out, and then he eats it.
Bartender: OMG.. did you see what your monkey did this time??!!!
Man: No, I am afraid to ask
Bartender: He put the maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, then he ate it!
Man: Well.. after he ate that cue ball, he likes to measure everything first before he eats it.
He talks to his family doctor to seek his advise. The doctor tells him to find out how serious it is that he should go home and speaking in a normal tone say something to her from a distance and keep moving closer to determine how close he has to get until she can hear him.
He goes home and while sitting in the living room asks, “what’s for supper”? She doesn’t answer so he gets up and goes to the door and again, “what’s for supper”? Again no response from his wife so he walks into the hallway and again asks, “what’s for supper”? Still no response so he enters the kitchen and sees his wife is at the sink with her back turned to him, nervous and now worried for her he enters the room and again asks, “what’s for supper”? This time she answers, “for the fourth time beef stew”!
RE: a lonely guy with a wood eye goes to a singles dance
he is ignored.
In the corner is a girl sitting alone evidently because of her big nose.
The guy approaches and asks her would you like to dance.
excited she says would I would I
to which he replys Big nose big nose
That one brings back good memories as my dad told it to me about fifty years ago.
that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colours. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that jazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that jazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.
He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.
Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.
After a long and particularly stressful Spring of migrating,
a penguin decides that, now that his busy season is over, he deserves to treat himself to a nice summer vacation. One of his bucket-list items has always been to take a road trip across the country from New York to California. So he flies into JFK, rents a Hyundai Elantra, and starts on his way...
As he’s passing through Mississippi he notices the Check Engine light is on. He pulls over, gets out, opens the hood, and sees oil is dripping from the motor. “Jesus,” he says, “I knew it— never trust the Koreans” (he is a racist penguin btw, fought in the Korean War and has PTSD from his time as a POW)...
He doesn’t know shit about cars, so he pulls out his phone and luckily finds a mechanic on google who’s not far off the nearest exit. He takes his car into this mechanic and the mechanic says he’ll need about an hour to check it out...
So the penguin needs to kill some time. He’s sees a Dairy Queen across the street and, being a penguin in this hot ass Mississippi summer, he thinks: what would be better than a nice cold treat to hit the spot? He walks over and orders a large cone of vanilla ice cream. But, because the poor bastard doesn’t have any hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak trying to eat it...
After it’s been about an hour, the penguin goes back to the mechanic to find out what’s wrong with the Elantra. The mechanic sees him coming, peeps his head out from under the hood, and says “so, sir— it looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The penguin says: “What?! No no no— It’s just a little ice cream!”
that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colours. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that jazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that jazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.
He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.
Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.
a penguin decides that, now that his busy season is over, he deserves to treat himself to a nice summer vacation. One of his bucket-list items has always been to take a road trip across the country from New York to California. So he flies into JFK, rents a Hyundai Elantra, and starts on his way...
As he’s passing through Mississippi he notices the Check Engine light is on. He pulls over, gets out, opens the hood, and sees oil is dripping from the motor. “Jesus,” he says, “I knew it— never trust the Koreans” (he is a racist penguin btw, fought in the Korean War and has PTSD from his time as a POW)...
He doesn’t know shit about cars, so he pulls out his phone and luckily finds a mechanic on google who’s not far off the nearest exit. He takes his car into this mechanic and the mechanic says he’ll need about an hour to check it out...
So the penguin needs to kill some time. He’s sees a Dairy Queen across the street and, being a penguin in this hot ass Mississippi summer, he thinks: what would be better than a nice cold treat to hit the spot? He walks over and orders a large cone of vanilla ice cream. But, because the poor bastard doesn’t have any hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak trying to eat it...
After it’s been about an hour, the penguin goes back to the mechanic to find out what’s wrong with the Elantra. The mechanic sees him coming, peeps his head out from under the hood, and says “so, sir— it looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The penguin says: “What?! No no no— It’s just a little ice cream!”
All of a sudden the woman gets nervous and calls her husband "Honey be careful out there. There is a maniac on the highway driving the wrong way"
The husband replies "Only one maniac? There seems to be thousands of people driving the wrong way on the highway today"
I love it when she calls me Listen ....
European
The bartender says "he buddy, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replies, "Arrr, its driving me nuts!"
"What are you doing?" he asks.
She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later, as she's ready to leave, she walks into her bedroom and see her husband packing his suitcase.
"Where are you going?" she asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
As the bartender brings the gentleman the pint, he just stares winsomly at the bird and hamster.
"I see you like the act. Hamster sold me on it a few minutes ago. They take requests."
"No." replied the English gentleman. "This is perfect."
As he nurses his pint, he looks up and asks the bartender if he could buy the bird for $20,000 pounds. My late wife was French and she would sing in that very same sweet voice. It would mean the world to me."
The bartender walks over to the hamster and asks him if he would be okay with the deal to which the English Gentleman rears back in horror. "Oh no, not the hamster. Just the bird. I can't stand rodents."
The hamster shrugs and few hours later when the gentleman returns from the bank- the transaction is made.
The bird and hamster give their farewells and the gentleman takes the bird in a small cage he bought as well to transport home.
As they leave, the hamster turns to the bartender. "Do you think he will mind when he gets home and finds out I am a Ventriloquist"?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Go fuck yourselves.
she says, "i'll tell you what, i'll do whatever you want for only $500, but your request can only be 3 words"
so he says "paint my house"
he was half nuts.
A midget with a cigar.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later, as she's ready to leave, she walks into her bedroom and see her husband packing his suitcase.
"Where are you going?" she asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
Read them all so far, this one made me laugh
One of the nuns had a stroke.
The other couldn't reach
Dr says -I'll take some tests, come back tomorrow.
Paddy comes back and asks the Dr- what did the tests say?
Dr says - Paddy, you are seriously ill.
Paddy says - seriously ill, what do you recommend?
Dr says - at this stage I recommend mud baths.
Paddy says - I'm seriously ill and you recommend mud baths - will that cure me?
The Dr says - no, but it will get you used to the dirt
She thinks about it says, "I can really use the money so, yeah, I would."
He says, "How about for $50?"
She says, "What kind of person do you think I am?"
He replies, "We know what kind of person you are, we're just haggling over the price."
So I did below:
ID10T
Did I mention I can't stand that little phucquer?
In the corner is a girl sitting alone evidently because of her big nose.
The guy approaches and asks her would you like to dance.
excited she says would I would I
to which he replys Big nose big nose
Wife is annoyed and asks where he’s been.
Husband says I was hanging out at Timmy’s house.
Suspicious wife calls Timmy on the spot.
“Hi Timmy, did Johnny visit you tonight?”
“Hi Claire, absolutely. Johnny is still here”
Not a crowded night, bartender says, "You're on."
Guys gets up, pees, misses by 12 feet.
Gets down off the bar, pays the bartender the $50, bartender says, "You didn't even get halfway, why the hell do you think you could win that?"
Guys says, "See that guy over there, he bet me $100 I couldn't piss on your bar."
In the corner is a girl sitting alone evidently because of her big nose.
The guy approaches and asks her would you like to dance.
excited she says would I would I
to which he replys Big nose big nose
lol this one made me laugh
Oh well, at least we had 5 good seasons together.
LOL
Bartender: Did you see what your monkey did?
Man: No, what did he do?
Bartender: He swallowed my cue ball!
Man: I am sorry.. he eats anything he can fit into his mouth.
The man paid for his drink and the cue ball an left the bar.
The following week the man comes back into the bar again with his monkey. This time, the monkey jumps up onto the bar down the far end where the bartender has the small containers holding the olives and other drink ingredients.
The monkey takes a maraschino cherry by the stem, sticks it up his ass... pulls it out, and then he eats it.
Bartender: OMG.. did you see what your monkey did this time??!!!
Man: No, I am afraid to ask
Bartender: He put the maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, then he ate it!
Man: Well.. after he ate that cue ball, he likes to measure everything first before he eats it.
A drunk guy goes up to a beautiful woman at the bar and tells her how attracted to her he is and wants to fuck her brains out.
She is insulted and beats the crap out of him - knocks him out.
He comes to and crawls back to his stool (right next to her) and says "So, I guess a blow job is out of the question?"
Bang, pow , boom, ....
He goes home and while sitting in the living room asks, “what’s for supper”? She doesn’t answer so he gets up and goes to the door and again, “what’s for supper”? Again no response from his wife so he walks into the hallway and again asks, “what’s for supper”? Still no response so he enters the kitchen and sees his wife is at the sink with her back turned to him, nervous and now worried for her he enters the room and again asks, “what’s for supper”? This time she answers, “for the fourth time beef stew”!
In the corner is a girl sitting alone evidently because of her big nose.
The guy approaches and asks her would you like to dance.
excited she says would I would I
to which he replys Big nose big nose
That one brings back good memories as my dad told it to me about fifty years ago.
He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.
Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.
As he’s passing through Mississippi he notices the Check Engine light is on. He pulls over, gets out, opens the hood, and sees oil is dripping from the motor. “Jesus,” he says, “I knew it— never trust the Koreans” (he is a racist penguin btw, fought in the Korean War and has PTSD from his time as a POW)...
He doesn’t know shit about cars, so he pulls out his phone and luckily finds a mechanic on google who’s not far off the nearest exit. He takes his car into this mechanic and the mechanic says he’ll need about an hour to check it out...
So the penguin needs to kill some time. He’s sees a Dairy Queen across the street and, being a penguin in this hot ass Mississippi summer, he thinks: what would be better than a nice cold treat to hit the spot? He walks over and orders a large cone of vanilla ice cream. But, because the poor bastard doesn’t have any hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak trying to eat it...
After it’s been about an hour, the penguin goes back to the mechanic to find out what’s wrong with the Elantra. The mechanic sees him coming, peeps his head out from under the hood, and says “so, sir— it looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The penguin says: “What?! No no no— It’s just a little ice cream!”
He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.
Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.
ugghh ... that was painful
; ) : )
their personalities
their personalities
TRUTH!
As he’s passing through Mississippi he notices the Check Engine light is on. He pulls over, gets out, opens the hood, and sees oil is dripping from the motor. “Jesus,” he says, “I knew it— never trust the Koreans” (he is a racist penguin btw, fought in the Korean War and has PTSD from his time as a POW)...
He doesn’t know shit about cars, so he pulls out his phone and luckily finds a mechanic on google who’s not far off the nearest exit. He takes his car into this mechanic and the mechanic says he’ll need about an hour to check it out...
So the penguin needs to kill some time. He’s sees a Dairy Queen across the street and, being a penguin in this hot ass Mississippi summer, he thinks: what would be better than a nice cold treat to hit the spot? He walks over and orders a large cone of vanilla ice cream. But, because the poor bastard doesn’t have any hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak trying to eat it...
After it’s been about an hour, the penguin goes back to the mechanic to find out what’s wrong with the Elantra. The mechanic sees him coming, peeps his head out from under the hood, and says “so, sir— it looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The penguin says: “What?! No no no— It’s just a little ice cream!”
When the director was asked what special qualifications Wentz has, he responded "He overthrows everybody".