NFT: Going through a Divorce

do you have kids?

I only ask because based on my experience, my advice would be different.

(1) Don't second guess yourself and what you could have done differently. It is rarely, if ever, one specific thing that had it been different this would not have happened. Anybody can make a reason for why he/she does not want to continue with a marriage, but ultimately it was your spouse who believed that there was nothing worth saving not you.

(2) No matter how many times I hear "oh I just want to make it amicable" it never is. If your spouse wanted it amicable your spouse would not have filed for divorce in the first place.

In comment 15323343 pjcas18 said:

Quote:

do you have kids? I only ask because based on my experience, my advice would be different.

Two daughters, one two years away from college, the other elementary school age

In comment 15323346 Mike in NY said:

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(1) Don't second guess yourself and what you could have done differently. It is rarely, if ever, one specific thing that had it been different this would not have happened. Anybody can make a reason for why he/she does not want to continue with a marriage, but ultimately it was your spouse who believed that there was nothing worth saving not you. (2) No matter how many times I hear "oh I just want to make it amicable" it never is. If your spouse wanted it amicable your spouse would not have filed for divorce in the first place.

I appreciate the words sir. Yea she’s the one who filed for divorce, I wanted to work through this. She said she’s moved on already, and I’m the one still holding on. I had checked myself into the hospital for mental health reasons to get some help. I’m out now and doing ok, but I’m still hurting

But I am sending prayers that you make it thru as painlessly as possible. Hunker down and be there for your girls. Ultimately they are all that matters IMO.

is from the perspective of a child of divorce (I was 7).

Work out your issues with your soon to be ex in private as much as possible.

Make sure your children realize they are loved and will still be loved and it's not their fault.

To the extent possible do not bad mouth your soon to be ex in front of your children.

It will be hard and you may be hurting, and sounds like you need to consider your own well being (and I won't pretend to have any advice there other than wishing you well), but your kids are still young enough to pick up on emotional cues and you should go to great lengths to not denigrate each other on front of them.

I'd even upfront ask your spouse to agree to that for the kids benefit.

Anyway, sorry I don't have better advice, hopefully you get the help you need (maybe join a support group?) and hopefully you can still protect your children.

but the good news is knowing that its actually happening means you are over the hump of uncertainty which is likely way worse.

I haven't gone through it as an adult but I did as a child, and an ugly one at that. Do whatever you can to keep it cordial. Doesn't mean you have to be best friends but if you can hold it together when you are around each other, speak nicely about her in front of your kids, etc, they will be much better off for it. My parents did the opposite and it was fucking terrible.

specific experience and thus no worthwhile advice to offer...just wanted to say sorry that you're going through it. It will get better.

ultimately the only way to be there for your kids is to make sure you take care of yourself.

I just want to send my sincere prayers and thoughts for you during this difficult time. Sure, take special care of your children, but don't forget to take care of yourself.

Wishing you the best of all things.

- a little background- I had been involved with someone for 8 years, 5 of them we were Married. We had 4 kids together one planned and one surprise pregnancy that turned out to be triplets. I will spare the details of the would of, could of, should of and say she filed for divorce and moved on pretty quickly.

The first thing you have to deal with is making sure not to poison the children against your ex as that serves no purpose. It sucks for sure but, she is their Mom and you don't want the kids having to pick sides and they shouldn't have to.

Try and separate yourself from the past and move forward as "the new norm". Again, easier said than done but, finding your own way, finding your foothold will serve you well.

DO NOT RUSH INTO SOMETHING ELSE.. I can promise you a new relationship will come later but right now you are a mess (you is anyone going through this) and own that, hold that as your shield. Your focus is on your kids and yourself. Finding someone else will not fix the hurt right now.

Things to do:

Get physically active if at all possible. Reshape your body and provide your mind a focus point on you.

Reshape your mind. Starting thinking as one instead of for two. What makes you happy, what gets your motor running and what gives you focus and hope for the future.

Reconnect with friends

Do NOT follow your ex's social media stuff and tell friends who want to update you that you would prefer not talking about stuff like that. Friends some times think they are helping when it reality it is not help.

Your kids will be affected differently and be open to just listening to them. Always be there for them and never use the "I am depressed or down" excuse for not spending time with them. They are not solely a combination of you and your ex, they are their own person and they will need their time with you.

my mother referred to my father as "the asshole" from the time I was 7 (still to this day I think).

and my father was awful with child support payments and my mother never was secret about that and because of that my father was very critical of my mother in front of us.

and I'm being polite and providing the PG version of things.

it's not fair to the kids or healthy for them to have to deal with parents behaving like that.

What I've learned from my own experience is that I didn't know how much my parents divorce affected me until I was an adult.

All I can tell you is be strong for your children. Speak kindly of your ex spouse. Do not put them in the middle of communication or issues, it will only make them feel guilt. If you ex is giving you a hard time, take the high road. Be there for them as much as you can. Stay active and involved in their lives.

My understanding of divorce is that it has changed quite a bit since the 80s when my parents separated, and I hope it has because men/husbands in a divorce weren't treated fairly in my own opinion.

My heart goes out to you.

In comment 15323397 jvm52106 said:

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- a little background- I had been involved with someone for 8 years, 5 of them we were Married. We had 4 kids together one planned and one surprise pregnancy that turned out to be triplets. I will spare the details of the would of, could of, should of and say she filed for divorce and moved on pretty quickly. The first thing you have to deal with is making sure not to poison the children against your ex as that serves no purpose. It sucks for sure but, she is their Mom and you don't want the kids having to pick sides and they shouldn't have to. Try and separate yourself from the past and move forward as "the new norm". Again, easier said than done but, finding your own way, finding your foothold will serve you well. DO NOT RUSH INTO SOMETHING ELSE.. I can promise you a new relationship will come later but right now you are a mess (you is anyone going through this) and own that, hold that as your shield. Your focus is on your kids and yourself. Finding someone else will not fix the hurt right now. Things to do: Get physically active if at all possible. Reshape your body and provide your mind a focus point on you. Reshape your mind. Starting thinking as one instead of for two. What makes you happy, what gets your motor running and what gives you focus and hope for the future. Reconnect with friends Do NOT follow your ex's social media stuff and tell friends who want to update you that you would prefer not talking about stuff like that. Friends some times think they are helping when it reality it is not help. Your kids will be affected differently and be open to just listening to them. Always be there for them and never use the "I am depressed or down" excuse for not spending time with them. They are not solely a combination of you and your ex, they are their own person and they will need their time with you.

FYI- I am happily involved in a new relationship, we have been Married since 2016 and together now since 2012. Better things will come your way when the negative stuff is cleared and your mind and heart are right again.

...very similar.

- Agree re: not denigrating their mother.
- Take the high road.
- Spend more time with your kids
- They may prefer to spend time with their mother. That's not an incitement of you...in any way.
- Get in the gym
- Improve your diet
- Get more sleep

You get a do over. You will eventually realize that you did not lose anything. You are simply progressing and growing.

I am freshly ( 1 month) divorced after 24 years of marriage. Im sure old-timers on here have heard me mention my wife and son on here occasionaly.
I was not blind sided, i knew we were having issues but never imagined divorce.
Advice? Do it quickly.
As for kids--mine are grown but as devastated and angry as if they were small children. Same rules apply weather they little or grown.
Feel free to email me--misery loves company.

In comment 15323397 jvm52106 said:

Quote:

- a little background- I had been involved with someone for 8 years, 5 of them we were Married. We had 4 kids together one planned and one surprise pregnancy that turned out to be triplets. I will spare the details of the would of, could of, should of and say she filed for divorce and moved on pretty quickly. The first thing you have to deal with is making sure not to poison the children against your ex as that serves no purpose. It sucks for sure but, she is their Mom and you don't want the kids having to pick sides and they shouldn't have to. Try and separate yourself from the past and move forward as "the new norm". Again, easier said than done but, finding your own way, finding your foothold will serve you well. DO NOT RUSH INTO SOMETHING ELSE.. I can promise you a new relationship will come later but right now you are a mess (you is anyone going through this) and own that, hold that as your shield. Your focus is on your kids and yourself. Finding someone else will not fix the hurt right now. Things to do: Get physically active if at all possible. Reshape your body and provide your mind a focus point on you. Reshape your mind. Starting thinking as one instead of for two. What makes you happy, what gets your motor running and what gives you focus and hope for the future. Reconnect with friends Do NOT follow your ex's social media stuff and tell friends who want to update you that you would prefer not talking about stuff like that. Friends some times think they are helping when it reality it is not help. Your kids will be affected differently and be open to just listening to them. Always be there for them and never use the "I am depressed or down" excuse for not spending time with them. They are not solely a combination of you and your ex, they are their own person and they will need their time with you.

Good post, Work on yourself and realize that in time you will be better off for the long haul

were very supportive during my divorce. It sucks but, you learn by doing and by listening to others who have gone through it. Anyone who gives you advice that was NEVER married ignore like you would the advice people who have never had kids give about kids...LOL

In comment 15323398 pjcas18 said:

Quote:

my mother referred to my father as "the asshole" from the time I was 7 (still to this day I think). and my father was awful with child support payments and my mother never was secret about that and because of that my father was very critical of my mother in front of us. and I'm being polite and providing the PG version of things. it's not fair to the kids or healthy for them to have to deal with parents behaving like that.

Sounds familiar. I used to hand deliver the child support payments to my mother after every other weekend spent at my father's. DIdn't know what it was as a 7 year old but figured it out when I got a little older. To this day he's the most selfish, narcissistic person i've ever met. Didn't put an ounce of effort into his kids, only himself, and bad mouthed my mother constantly in the process.

The good news is my entire childhood and now as an adult I had a really nice glimpse of what I know I did not want to be. I strive to be the polar opposite of him.

Went through it about 5 years ago. My son was 9; now he's 15. I really want to emphasize the importance of taking the high road. It'll be the most difficult thing if your separation is at any point contentious, but it is just so important for you and--most importantly--your children.

The only other thing I would add is that you're at the beginning of a long tunnel. It's dark and cold and lonely. But it will end. It may be a few weeks, it may be a few months. It could even be a year. But keep your eye on the end of that tunnel. Things will get better, and you will come out of it much better for it. Trust me.

I've been through it.

I didn't bad mouth my ex, but I did quip sarcastically about how broken-hearted I was in front of my kids. Wish I hadn't done that.

It sucks right now, but you've got to process those emotions. It may take a long time, but you'll recover and find value and joy in life again.

Don't ever give up, and stay close to those who love you.

Not the mother of your children. She will always be that and you and her will have to parent together. Graduations weddings grandbabys all that stuff will be impacted if you are not civil going forward.

Try not to openly talk to each other about the proceddings. Get a lawyer and then get your money's worth out of them. Just hearing certin words from her mouth will trigger you and that can be avoided having your lawyers do the talking.

Also take whatever intitial requests with a grain of salt. Every first offer will be unfair and overshot.

Hang in there and talk to your kids about the emotions your dealing with. Ghey can handle more then you think. If they see you hidding behind your emotions they will follow your lead. Deal with them openly, get help with it, tell them your gettinf help with it and ask them if they need help too.

Be a rock for your kids and at some point, you will find another partner who makes you happier.

and availing yourself of the wealth of support and sympathy available to you.

As a father and husband I think one of the most profound changes is the loss of complete control over one’s own life - even things as central as your own marriage, which can be such a devastating reality in some circumstances. Just know that you are in no way alone though it may sometimes (most times?) feel that way. Love your kids. And see you on the other side.

lose some weight, look great, bourbon, and the dating apps...wish they were around when I got divorced...ugh

In comment 15323376 AnnapolisMike said:

Quote:

But I am sending prayers that you make it thru as painlessly as possible. Hunker down and be there for your girls. Ultimately they are all that matters IMO.

Thank you for the kind words, advice and prayers! 🙏🏽

In comment 15323382 pjcas18 said:

Quote:

is from the perspective of a child of divorce (I was 7). Work out your issues with your soon to be ex in private as much as possible. Make sure your children realize they are loved and will still be loved and it's not their fault. To the extent possible do not bad mouth your soon to be ex in front of your children. It will be hard and you may be hurting, and sounds like you need to consider your own well being (and I won't pretend to have any advice there other than wishing you well), but your kids are still young enough to pick up on emotional cues and you should go to great lengths to not denigrate each other on front of them. I'd even upfront ask your spouse to agree to that for the kids benefit. Anyway, sorry I don't have better advice, hopefully you get the help you need (maybe join a support group?) and hopefully you can still protect your children.

This was great advice, I greatly appreciate it and I will go ahead and try to apply this. Thank you very much

In comment 15323397 jvm52106 said:

Quote:

- a little background- I had been involved with someone for 8 years, 5 of them we were Married. We had 4 kids together one planned and one surprise pregnancy that turned out to be triplets. I will spare the details of the would of, could of, should of and say she filed for divorce and moved on pretty quickly. The first thing you have to deal with is making sure not to poison the children against your ex as that serves no purpose. It sucks for sure but, she is their Mom and you don't want the kids having to pick sides and they shouldn't have to. Try and separate yourself from the past and move forward as "the new norm". Again, easier said than done but, finding your own way, finding your foothold will serve you well. DO NOT RUSH INTO SOMETHING ELSE.. I can promise you a new relationship will come later but right now you are a mess (you is anyone going through this) and own that, hold that as your shield. Your focus is on your kids and yourself. Finding someone else will not fix the hurt right now. Things to do: Get physically active if at all possible. Reshape your body and provide your mind a focus point on you. Reshape your mind. Starting thinking as one instead of for two. What makes you happy, what gets your motor running and what gives you focus and hope for the future. Reconnect with friends Do NOT follow your ex's social media stuff and tell friends who want to update you that you would prefer not talking about stuff like that. Friends some times think they are helping when it reality it is not help. Your kids will be affected differently and be open to just listening to them. Always be there for them and never use the "I am depressed or down" excuse for not spending time with them. They are not solely a combination of you and your ex, they are their own person and they will need their time with you.

I’ve actually unfollowed her social media as I do not want to see her with other guys. We were married 11 but together much longer. Thank you for the advice, this is super tough and yea I’m hurting big time but these words helped greatly! Thank you

I am truly grateful to everyone on BBI for the kinds words, prayers and advice. I will keep reading on and try to reply to each and everyone’s post, but I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Y’all are the best!

That's millions of broken marriages. You are not alone.

I don't know how they do it, but apparently they manage to cope. You'll find a way. Good luck and hang in there.

...and you're not already enrolled, absolutely opt-in when the 2022 open enrollment period happens.

If you can find an attorney that's within that plan's network it would be advisable to go that route.

Sure, it's August, but these things take time and with the children involved there will be issues where you will need good legal advice to make the best decisions.

My divorce 15y ago was completely amicable with no children and it took a while to wrap things up.

Hang in there.

Therapist and work on you. Lean on your Friends and family, they’re a rock and you will need them. Stay away from drinking even you aren’t a big drinker. Give yourself mental challenges to work on for the month. Lastly do not jump in a relationship. It sucks, it will get better I promise.

but not with kids. My ex and I had "temporarily" put off having kids, while she worked on her PhD (and while she was working on her PhD, a PhD was working on her). I also never expected it and it just about killed me at the time.

It was the lowest point of my life, by far, at the time (the last 3 words being very key). At the time, I felt it was worse than when my mom died (when I was 22) bc in that situation, as horribly painful as it was, I felt that at least my mom was in Heaven and no longer in pain (with her cancer).

I could write a book (whether anyone would read it, is another thing) about the year of my life beginning on Sat. April 18, 1999 (the reason I know the date is bc it was day 1 of the NFL draft. Giants picked Luke Petigout and my first marriage blew TF up!). That was the last page of a chapter in my life.

The next chapter involved resigning from my job (chemical engineering), moving about a thousand miles, going back to college to study something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT (computer animation) and a whole lot of pain. I'm not necessarily recommending all that and it's a long story why I chose that path, but it was the right thing for me (not the pain).

I was depressed as hell for about 6 months. I prayed a lot, but almost killed myself with prescription sleeping pills and vodka (I believe something supernatural saved me, but that's a long story). Long story short, I survived and started dating other women around Dec. of '99 (I might have done so sooner, but at one time I had the stupid idea that we might reconcile).

I met my 2nd and final wife in March of 2000 (married 9/02) and we get along SO MUCH BETTER than I ever did with my 1st. We have two teens and my life has been a million times better than it ever could've been with my ex. I'm an old fashioned guy and wasn't looking to upgrade from my bitch of a first wife, but I did, BIG TIME (in multiple ways). I believe my wife is a huge blessing from God.

I found out years ago that my ex and the guy she thought was her "soulmate", had a couple kids and then broke up. I guess it turns out instead of "soulmates", they were "asshole mates". I'm a forgiving guy and hold nothing against my ex. She actually did me a favor (just didn't know it at the time). Btw, I'm providing some of these details, in case something might be helpful to you.

tyrik13, I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are and I'm not a Bible thumper (please don't take offense, I'm just trying to help), but when I was at my lowest, a nice older lady told me to read Romans 8:28 and pray over it.

Romans 8:28: We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

I read it over and over and prayed a lot (I believe that had everything to do with being saved that night and the abundant life I've had since).

Hang in there tyrik13! The misery is temporary.

maybe too much detail. I'm praying for you, tyrik13.

Thank you for sharing what was obviously a very painful experience

My two cents is that you should make your mental health your number one priority. Invest in it. If that means a gym membership, a Pelaton bike, therapy sessions, antidepressants, so be it. This is especially true if you're having suicidal thoughts.

Posted this.
Not to hijack his thread, but the same thing happened to me a month ago.
I too appreciate the (suprisingly? )Good advice here .

and pain will subside. It just will. Do the right thing by your children and you won't regret it later.

So I'll just add this: Going through my divorce 24 years ago was really tough. I took a long time to regain some of my self-confidence and I made some poor choices along the way. But I feel safe saying that my life is SO much better now than it would have been if I hadn't gotten divorced. Part of that is because of what the experience taught me about myself and relationships - and largely because I eventually found someone who is a much better fit for me.

I will soon be attending my daughter's wedding and because we handled things the "right" way over the years, my ex and I will be sitting at the same table and will both be proud parents.

Advice and anecdotes. Good luck tyrik.

For those who have initiated a divorce, when did you know the marriage was over?

In comment 15323398 pjcas18 said:

Quote:

my mother referred to my father as "the asshole" from the time I was 7 (still to this day I think). and my father was awful with child support payments and my mother never was secret about that and because of that my father was very critical of my mother in front of us. and I'm being polite and providing the PG version of things. it's not fair to the kids or healthy for them to have to deal with parents behaving like that.

Yes. The constant bickering and yelling back and forth between the two parents can drive any kid bonkers. Shit or get off the pot and be done with one another already.

I’m married 35 years but my parents went through a terrible divorce
One piece of advice. Don’t let divorce drag on
Give her what she wants as long as you can be with and see your kids grow up
The only ones who win in a divorce are the lawyers. End it quickly

Diet
Gym
Exercise
Go out socially but don’t find someone to quick. A lot of times it’s on the rebound. Take ur time. You will definitely find your soul mate
Good luck and go to more Giants games🏈😜

I cannot imagine how i'd handle a divorce. Hang in there Tyrik. As stated, working out or regular exercise is always beneficial, especially in times like this. Best wishes. May the Giants win big for you this year.

In comment 15323601 Dr. D said:

Quote:

but not with kids. My ex and I had "temporarily" put off having kids, while she worked on her PhD (and while she was working on her PhD, a PhD was working on her). I also never expected it and it just about killed me at the time. It was the lowest point of my life, by far, at the time (the last 3 words being very key). At the time, I felt it was worse than when my mom died (when I was 22) bc in that situation, as horribly painful as it was, I felt that at least my mom was in Heaven and no longer in pain (with her cancer). I could write a book (whether anyone would read it, is another thing) about the year of my life beginning on Sat. April 18, 1999 (the reason I know the date is bc it was day 1 of the NFL draft. Giants picked Luke Petigout and my first marriage blew TF up!). That was the last page of a chapter in my life. The next chapter involved resigning from my job (chemical engineering), moving about a thousand miles, going back to college to study something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT (computer animation) and a whole lot of pain. I'm not necessarily recommending all that and it's a long story why I chose that path, but it was the right thing for me (not the pain). I was depressed as hell for about 6 months. I prayed a lot, but almost killed myself with prescription sleeping pills and vodka (I believe something supernatural saved me, but that's a long story). Long story short, I survived and started dating other women around Dec. of '99 (I might have done so sooner, but at one time I had the stupid idea that we might reconcile). I met my 2nd and final wife in March of 2000 (married 9/02) and we get along SO MUCH BETTER than I ever did with my 1st. We have two teens and my life has been a million times better than it ever could've been with my ex. I'm an old fashioned guy and wasn't looking to upgrade from my bitch of a first wife, but I did, BIG TIME (in multiple ways). I believe my wife is a huge blessing from God. I found out years ago that my ex and the guy she thought was her "soulmate", had a couple kids and then broke up. I guess it turns out instead of "soulmates", they were "asshole mates". I'm a forgiving guy and hold nothing against my ex. She actually did me a favor (just didn't know it at the time). Btw, I'm providing some of these details, in case something might be helpful to you. tyrik13, I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are and I'm not a Bible thumper (please don't take offense, I'm just trying to help), but when I was at my lowest, a nice older lady told me to read Romans 8:28 and pray over it. Romans 8:28: We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. I read it over and over and prayed a lot (I believe that had everything to do with being saved that night and the abundant life I've had since). Hang in there tyrik13! The misery is temporary.

Good post.

I went through something like this, but thankfully it didn't involve any children. It was the absolute worst, and I hit rock bottom.

I was blaming myself for the break-up, and doing everything possible to "get her back," which I viewed as some sort of referendum on my self worth. My closest friend took me aside and asked me why I would I ever want to be with someone that didn't really want to be with me. Simple words that did not resonate at the time, but later did when I figured out the real problem, which was my personal insecurity.

The pain of the loss of a relationship is something that can't be avoided. But the point when you can move on after the grieving is when you realize that the relationship was not right (for whatever reason, and no matter whose fault) and that you deserve something better. Saying it is so much easier than believing it. But if you keep telling yourself this and working to improve your life apart from the relationship, you'll get there. And as you get to the point where you are more secure, you'll have an even better chance of getting into a better relationship. At least this is what happened to me.

You can disregard everything I've said, but I can assure you that everything eventually will get better! Best of luck.

Sorry to hear man. Keep your head up. Better days are ahead.

I don’t have any specific advise, but personally I always find reading the Bible encouraging even in the lowest of times.

I wish you well.

No kids and we both wanted out. Did the whole thing myself for around $800. We were both smiling in the courtroom.
I would say to move on mentally as much as you can. The sooner you deal with the heartache the sooner you can move on. For me, I could not wait to start seeing other people.
After having been with the same woman for 23 years, I really dug the online dating. Lots of highs and lows in my 7 dates. Don’t get too attached in this phase unless something happens. For me it was the 7th date and we have been together almost 3 years now. Good luck.

for all the bickering and snide remarks sometimes seen on BBI, this was a great series of posts. Very caring and thoughtful people on this thread.

Just found out that my ex-wife, who left me, had a kid a few months ago. Lots of thoughts go through your mind. If you wanna chat, shoot me an email. Shit sucks. I don't have any kids with her, fortunately. Even though I'd still like to be a parent one day.

I don’t have any advice but I can’t imagine the pain that you’re going through. Just know that there are people out there who love you and will be there to support you when times get tough. Friends, family, co workers, strangers who share a liking for a mediocre football team on an online forum. Keep your head up, man.

My first wife, who I loved without reservation, found a "soulmate" and decided to leave. She wanted to " live a life of passion. " Women have been getting the message that they deserve to have it all. and if they don't get it someone is holding them back. It's not open to discussion. I bought this for a devastating, suicidal, sleepless few months, accepting that my ex's unhappiness was my fault,

A good therapist helped me realize that my ex had a lot of her own issues and was transferring her guilt to me. I learned the best route for me was to cut off contact unless it concerned our 9 & 11 year old daughters.

We went through arbitration (divorce mediation), which I thought was beneficial.

My ex asked me not to tell the kids what had happened until they were 18. She asked if she could be first to tell them. When my younger daughter was exactly 18 and five months, I dropped off daughter for college. I figured my ex had been given the agreed upon opportunity. In the space of about 5 minutes, I explained that I had never wanted a divorce, mom had an affair and didn't want to try and work things out.

From my perspective, it is important that my daughters know that I was not cool breaking up the family "to live a life of passion." I hope someday they will marry and be all in.

I am proud of myself for never dissing the girls' mother. it was a one-day at a time effort at first, then became an easy routine. Kids only get one mom.

Thirteen years later, I have great relationships with my daughters. And, a year and a half after the split, I started testing the waters again. The second woman I met online and I really hit it off. She was a widow with three college-aged kids though a couple of years younger. We got married a year ago.

Btw, "soulmate" said he couldn't afford a divorce and went back to his wife.

tyrik13.

I haven't been married but I did grow up in a divorced house. I hated living with my parents when they clearly hated each other but were still together, and then for a few years after they actually separated my dad was so bitter about it that he always involved us and tried to get us to pick a side which was really shitty. He realized after a few years that was a horrible thing to do and let go of how bitter he was and then my mom/dad were actually on good terms and were able to be around each other while i was in high school and not have any issues.

Don't make the kids pick a side. Your kids will resent you for it. I resented my dad as a result, he would bad mouth my mom to me and my brothers even though we were like 10-13 years old and it only made me want to be around him less. My mom didnt get along with my dad but she never said a bad word about him to me or my brothers while they were going through an awful divorce.

Sorry you have to go through this, but better days are ahead

I’ve bottomed out a few times, I’m on antidepressants and speak weekly with a therapist (it was 2x per week when the separation started), and I’m still fighting depression. However, when I told someone about what I was going through, someone who had been in that position, he simply said “time heals all wounds”… and I still think about that because it’s so true. Although it will effect you quite some time, just hang in there, don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it, and no matter how untrue it may feel at times, it will get better.

A community of individuals sharing a single passion but there for each other when the need arises for other situations that require advice and experience.

GO, GIANTS!!!

I got divorced in 2009. Lowest point of my life. I would echo many of the things said on the thread already. My principles are the following:
* Treat your ex with respect, even if your ex does not make the same choice. My ex has often talked (talks) shit about me to my kids. I never do the same. It's really hard not to do that. In that moment, it's a hard choice. But they wont want to hear about their mom that way. Vent to friends and family instead.
* Be fair about your kids' time with their mom and require fairness from their mom for your time. Use the separation from them for time for yourself and then when you're with them really BE with them. (that last part is harder with near college age kids but it still is important)
* Be happy on your own before you get too heavy into dating. I took like a year to settle into being a single guy/single dad to get the rhythm of that and get accustomed to it. Once you are, you can really be in a relationship again, IMO. Before that, you might be dating to fill the gap you feel from the relationship you lost and that's not healthy.
* Have fun and enjoy your life. Happy dad will be better for your kids in the long run

I'm remarried now and so happy. Divorce was hard for my kids and us but was definitely worth it in the long run for all of us.

In comment 15323612 montanagiant said:

Quote:

Thank you for sharing what was obviously a very painful experience

Thanks, montanagiant. I wasn't sure how my post would be received. Wouldn't have been surprised if there was some mocking from someone, but I posted it in case it could help tyrik13. I appreciate your positive feedback.

Hi Tyrik.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I went through it a few years ago, and it was a hard thing, very painful.

She blamed me for the whole thing, and so I blamed myself. I'm still trying to make sense of it. She was the love of my life, and I didn't ever really understand why she ended it. I still don't.

"Time heals all wounds". I know that's trite, but it's true, for the most part.
You will feel better with time, and hopefully you'll learn some important things about yourself, and maybe become more resilient as a result.

If you can, try to come out of it with something positive, something you feel you've gained by it. Try not to let it make you bitter or hateful, even if you feel that way some of the time. See if you can learn something from it.

I learned it's OK to cry. I cried every day for a year. I met another guy, he told me he cried every day for three years, that made me feel better.

Everyone grieves differently, and according to their own pace. It will take you as long as it does, and one day you'll better.

It's been three plus years for me, and I'm still grieving to some degree, but it's certainly better. I still haven't gone on a date, and I have no desire to be with anyone else, and I'm OK with that. I may never be in another relationship, and I'm OK with that too. It's been the most painful loss of my life, but I survived it, and as a result, I know that I can survive whatever I may need to.

You're going to be OK. You may find that hard to believe now, and if you're not already there, you'll wake up one morning, and you'll smile, and your appetite will be back, and you won't be thinking about her. You may be a little different, maybe you won't know yourself, but you'll be OK.

Please feel free to get in touch with me: dgifta@gmail.com

Dennis

In comment 15323346 Mike in NY said:

Quote:

(2) No matter how many times I hear "oh I just want to make it amicable" it never is. If your spouse wanted it amicable your spouse would not have filed for divorce in the first place.

That wasn't the case with my divorce. My ex and I actually wound up "arguing" more on behalf of the other than ourselves. I felt guilty enough about committing to divorce that I didn't want to see her go without, and she in turn didn't want to see me surrender too much.

There's a vast variety of divorces and I imagine their nature depends upon the foundation you established when you were married and before you were married. Ours was "easy" compared to others as far as negotiations went and we didn't hire a lawyer or even a mediator. But emotionally it was very difficult, as all of them really should be unless you developed too many callouses.

It may be little consolation but you're in good company -- they say around half of marriages end in divorce, and if that's true I feel like it's 30% too few. For every couple who does divorce, I think there are several other who should but never do. And all of those I know who went through it, myself and my ex included, wound up in situations that were better for them.

and some here have already provided you with some good advice. I am going to provide a different perspective that hopefully will help you to have a good outlook for the future...

After going through a marriage that did not work out, you may have a better idea of what type of person you are compatible with. Us this as a learning experience and if you get married again, make sure this person checks the boxes that your ex wife did not.

I would consider NOT getting married again. At least for a very long time. Consider a long exclusive relationship with someone but do not rush into getting married. My next door neighbors are very happy, not married and have been together for 18 years.

Focus on your kids for now.

like a "failure" because the marriage didn't work.

I think the previous posters had some good thoughts.

Try to do mediation rather than involving lawyers. My experience is that it's less likely to become adversarial with mediation. Also, try to not let the hurt feelings get played out in the financial settlement. Try to keep the emotions and financial apportionment separate. Try not to let them bleed into each other.

I totally agree regarding trying to not feel like a failure. It can be hard not to; when someone you love blames you, it's hard to not take that on. I came out of it blaming myself, and it made grieving much more difficult.

Let your friends help you and support you. This is not a time to try to be "strong". It was the single most painful thing I ever went through, it's OK to ask for help.

Tyrik, you're in my thoughts and prayers. Losing someone you love is one of life's great hurts. You'll get over it. If I got over it, anyone can. You will too. Take care of yourself.

Dennis

I have perspective both from a child’s perspective of a divorce (my parents divorced when I was 11) and I was also divorced myself but it was at a very young age (25/26) after I’d only been married 3 years. In my own divorce, my ex was hell bent on making it as long and drawn out as possible. Only 3 year marriage with no kids and basically no assets and she managed to draw it out for a year and take it to actual trial lmao. It was brutal she was insane. On the one hand not wanting to let me go and on the other trying to create all sorts of lies to ruin my reputation and everything possible out of me.

Advice I would give is: expect the worst. As bad as it CAN get is exactly how bad it is going to get. But really try not to let your lawyer take advantage of you. I remember my lawyer spent like $2000 of her time trying to get a TV back for me that cost $600. I wanted the TV but didn’t realize it was just going to cost more than the TV until after she billed me lol. Oftentimes just remember it’s better to just give up the asset if it’s less costly financially and emotionally than fighting for it.

From my perspective as a kid: just don’t talk a lot of shit about your spouse to your actual kid. My mom did that all the time and it really fucked up my relationship with my Dad until I reconciled with him when I was an adult. But yeah I just thought that was immature of my mom to do.

Oh yeah one other thing I’ll say is: do NOT fight for anything out of principle or hopelessly fight back against things just because they aren’t “fair.” You have to know that the legal system with divorce flat out is not fair, and 90% of the time it’s not fair to men. So just go into it expecting it’s simply not going to be fair. And expecting it to be fair will lead you to just be even more frustrated and distraught than you’re already gonna be. I mean I’m not saying don’t fight and stand up for yourself— I’m saying pick your battles (kind of like in a marriage!). Think about what are the things most important to you and what you can and can’t live without. For instance in my situation (albeit this was a small item) I really didn’t need that TV. I should’ve just let her have it (oh which ended up being the result anyway lmao). Can alway buy a new TV. Obviously the things like the agreements y’all come to regarding your kids are going to be more important than the material things, but even there I think you need to be creative in imagining what you’re willing to accept as your new life going forward. Oftentimes it turns out change really isn’t all that bad. As a small example: don’t stress too much about whether you see your kids on the actual DAY of Christmas every single year— you can always pretend the 26th is Christmas and celebrate it the same with your kids, I promise it’ll be exactly the same thing even if at first it doesn’t seem like it would be. Being with your kids/family is really the thing that makes holidays special, not the actual date on the calendar.

Be creative with what you accept as your new life when considering your kids as well. From the time I was 11 to 18 I literally went back and forth from my moms and dads house every day. Monday with mom, Tuesday with dad, Wednesday with mom, Thursday/Friday with dad, Saturday/Sunday with Mom, repeat. This was the agreement because my dad didn’t want to be a “weekend dad” it was incredibly stressful to move my life back and forth between houses. Also my parents still haven’t stopped arguing about how much time they split seeing me and my siblings at the holidays— and we’re all over 30 years old lol. It still makes the holidays stressful with me and my siblings trying to please both parties and keep everyone happy.

So this thread is making me feel just great! ;)

Jokes aside, my parents got divorced when I was about to turn 17. This isn't advice as I'm in no position to give any, but he's told me on more than one occasion since that it got A LOT better once the proceedings were over with.

There was visceral contention around money and asset allocation. But once they finally, painfully, and mercifully agreed to terms and the gavel hit the bench one final time, it became very official and they both moved on. That was in 2002, and to this day they have a very good relationship. They both walked me down the aisle together last month. One parent on each arm.

My point is only that my Dad in no uncertain terms told me there was a period at that low point where he experienced hatred he didn't know he had in him. In my parents' case it was money. In yours it might be something else that has you on the precipice of a breakdown. But in his case it ended. As you've read on this thread, in most cases, if not all of them, those feelings ended.

So all I can say is, even if you don't find a story here that matches your specific circumstances, I think you should focus on the common theme all these stories seem to have... a low point, followed by relief, and then eventually joy again. I hope you get to that point relatively quickly like my parents did.