NFT: Going through a Divorce

do you have kids?

I only ask because based on my experience, my advice would be different.

(1) Don't second guess yourself and what you could have done differently. It is rarely, if ever, one specific thing that had it been different this would not have happened. Anybody can make a reason for why he/she does not want to continue with a marriage, but ultimately it was your spouse who believed that there was nothing worth saving not you.

(2) No matter how many times I hear "oh I just want to make it amicable" it never is. If your spouse wanted it amicable your spouse would not have filed for divorce in the first place.

In comment 15323343 pjcas18 said:

Quote:

do you have kids? I only ask because based on my experience, my advice would be different.

Two daughters, one two years away from college, the other elementary school age

In comment 15323346 Mike in NY said:

Quote:

(1) Don't second guess yourself and what you could have done differently. It is rarely, if ever, one specific thing that had it been different this would not have happened. Anybody can make a reason for why he/she does not want to continue with a marriage, but ultimately it was your spouse who believed that there was nothing worth saving not you. (2) No matter how many times I hear "oh I just want to make it amicable" it never is. If your spouse wanted it amicable your spouse would not have filed for divorce in the first place.

I appreciate the words sir. Yea she’s the one who filed for divorce, I wanted to work through this. She said she’s moved on already, and I’m the one still holding on. I had checked myself into the hospital for mental health reasons to get some help. I’m out now and doing ok, but I’m still hurting

But I am sending prayers that you make it thru as painlessly as possible. Hunker down and be there for your girls. Ultimately they are all that matters IMO.

is from the perspective of a child of divorce (I was 7).

Work out your issues with your soon to be ex in private as much as possible.

Make sure your children realize they are loved and will still be loved and it's not their fault.

To the extent possible do not bad mouth your soon to be ex in front of your children.

It will be hard and you may be hurting, and sounds like you need to consider your own well being (and I won't pretend to have any advice there other than wishing you well), but your kids are still young enough to pick up on emotional cues and you should go to great lengths to not denigrate each other on front of them.

I'd even upfront ask your spouse to agree to that for the kids benefit.

Anyway, sorry I don't have better advice, hopefully you get the help you need (maybe join a support group?) and hopefully you can still protect your children.

but the good news is knowing that its actually happening means you are over the hump of uncertainty which is likely way worse.

I haven't gone through it as an adult but I did as a child, and an ugly one at that. Do whatever you can to keep it cordial. Doesn't mean you have to be best friends but if you can hold it together when you are around each other, speak nicely about her in front of your kids, etc, they will be much better off for it. My parents did the opposite and it was fucking terrible.

specific experience and thus no worthwhile advice to offer...just wanted to say sorry that you're going through it. It will get better.

ultimately the only way to be there for your kids is to make sure you take care of yourself.

I just want to send my sincere prayers and thoughts for you during this difficult time. Sure, take special care of your children, but don't forget to take care of yourself.

Wishing you the best of all things.

- a little background- I had been involved with someone for 8 years, 5 of them we were Married. We had 4 kids together one planned and one surprise pregnancy that turned out to be triplets. I will spare the details of the would of, could of, should of and say she filed for divorce and moved on pretty quickly.

The first thing you have to deal with is making sure not to poison the children against your ex as that serves no purpose. It sucks for sure but, she is their Mom and you don't want the kids having to pick sides and they shouldn't have to.

Try and separate yourself from the past and move forward as "the new norm". Again, easier said than done but, finding your own way, finding your foothold will serve you well.

DO NOT RUSH INTO SOMETHING ELSE.. I can promise you a new relationship will come later but right now you are a mess (you is anyone going through this) and own that, hold that as your shield. Your focus is on your kids and yourself. Finding someone else will not fix the hurt right now.

Things to do:

Get physically active if at all possible. Reshape your body and provide your mind a focus point on you.

Reshape your mind. Starting thinking as one instead of for two. What makes you happy, what gets your motor running and what gives you focus and hope for the future.

Reconnect with friends

Do NOT follow your ex's social media stuff and tell friends who want to update you that you would prefer not talking about stuff like that. Friends some times think they are helping when it reality it is not help.

Your kids will be affected differently and be open to just listening to them. Always be there for them and never use the "I am depressed or down" excuse for not spending time with them. They are not solely a combination of you and your ex, they are their own person and they will need their time with you.

my mother referred to my father as "the asshole" from the time I was 7 (still to this day I think).

and my father was awful with child support payments and my mother never was secret about that and because of that my father was very critical of my mother in front of us.

and I'm being polite and providing the PG version of things.

it's not fair to the kids or healthy for them to have to deal with parents behaving like that.

What I've learned from my own experience is that I didn't know how much my parents divorce affected me until I was an adult.

All I can tell you is be strong for your children. Speak kindly of your ex spouse. Do not put them in the middle of communication or issues, it will only make them feel guilt. If you ex is giving you a hard time, take the high road. Be there for them as much as you can. Stay active and involved in their lives.

My understanding of divorce is that it has changed quite a bit since the 80s when my parents separated, and I hope it has because men/husbands in a divorce weren't treated fairly in my own opinion.

My heart goes out to you.

In comment 15323397 jvm52106 said:

Quote:

- a little background- I had been involved with someone for 8 years, 5 of them we were Married. We had 4 kids together one planned and one surprise pregnancy that turned out to be triplets. I will spare the details of the would of, could of, should of and say she filed for divorce and moved on pretty quickly. The first thing you have to deal with is making sure not to poison the children against your ex as that serves no purpose. It sucks for sure but, she is their Mom and you don't want the kids having to pick sides and they shouldn't have to. Try and separate yourself from the past and move forward as "the new norm". Again, easier said than done but, finding your own way, finding your foothold will serve you well. DO NOT RUSH INTO SOMETHING ELSE.. I can promise you a new relationship will come later but right now you are a mess (you is anyone going through this) and own that, hold that as your shield. Your focus is on your kids and yourself. Finding someone else will not fix the hurt right now. Things to do: Get physically active if at all possible. Reshape your body and provide your mind a focus point on you. Reshape your mind. Starting thinking as one instead of for two. What makes you happy, what gets your motor running and what gives you focus and hope for the future. Reconnect with friends Do NOT follow your ex's social media stuff and tell friends who want to update you that you would prefer not talking about stuff like that. Friends some times think they are helping when it reality it is not help. Your kids will be affected differently and be open to just listening to them. Always be there for them and never use the "I am depressed or down" excuse for not spending time with them. They are not solely a combination of you and your ex, they are their own person and they will need their time with you.

FYI- I am happily involved in a new relationship, we have been Married since 2016 and together now since 2012. Better things will come your way when the negative stuff is cleared and your mind and heart are right again.

...very similar.

- Agree re: not denigrating their mother.
- Take the high road.
- Spend more time with your kids
- They may prefer to spend time with their mother. That's not an incitement of you...in any way.
- Get in the gym
- Improve your diet
- Get more sleep

You get a do over. You will eventually realize that you did not lose anything. You are simply progressing and growing.

I am freshly ( 1 month) divorced after 24 years of marriage. Im sure old-timers on here have heard me mention my wife and son on here occasionaly.
I was not blind sided, i knew we were having issues but never imagined divorce.
Advice? Do it quickly.
As for kids--mine are grown but as devastated and angry as if they were small children. Same rules apply weather they little or grown.
Feel free to email me--misery loves company.

In comment 15323397 jvm52106 said:

Quote:

- a little background- I had been involved with someone for 8 years, 5 of them we were Married. We had 4 kids together one planned and one surprise pregnancy that turned out to be triplets. I will spare the details of the would of, could of, should of and say she filed for divorce and moved on pretty quickly. The first thing you have to deal with is making sure not to poison the children against your ex as that serves no purpose. It sucks for sure but, she is their Mom and you don't want the kids having to pick sides and they shouldn't have to. Try and separate yourself from the past and move forward as "the new norm". Again, easier said than done but, finding your own way, finding your foothold will serve you well. DO NOT RUSH INTO SOMETHING ELSE.. I can promise you a new relationship will come later but right now you are a mess (you is anyone going through this) and own that, hold that as your shield. Your focus is on your kids and yourself. Finding someone else will not fix the hurt right now. Things to do: Get physically active if at all possible. Reshape your body and provide your mind a focus point on you. Reshape your mind. Starting thinking as one instead of for two. What makes you happy, what gets your motor running and what gives you focus and hope for the future. Reconnect with friends Do NOT follow your ex's social media stuff and tell friends who want to update you that you would prefer not talking about stuff like that. Friends some times think they are helping when it reality it is not help. Your kids will be affected differently and be open to just listening to them. Always be there for them and never use the "I am depressed or down" excuse for not spending time with them. They are not solely a combination of you and your ex, they are their own person and they will need their time with you.

Good post, Work on yourself and realize that in time you will be better off for the long haul

were very supportive during my divorce. It sucks but, you learn by doing and by listening to others who have gone through it. Anyone who gives you advice that was NEVER married ignore like you would the advice people who have never had kids give about kids...LOL

In comment 15323398 pjcas18 said:

Quote:

my mother referred to my father as "the asshole" from the time I was 7 (still to this day I think). and my father was awful with child support payments and my mother never was secret about that and because of that my father was very critical of my mother in front of us. and I'm being polite and providing the PG version of things. it's not fair to the kids or healthy for them to have to deal with parents behaving like that.

Sounds familiar. I used to hand deliver the child support payments to my mother after every other weekend spent at my father's. DIdn't know what it was as a 7 year old but figured it out when I got a little older. To this day he's the most selfish, narcissistic person i've ever met. Didn't put an ounce of effort into his kids, only himself, and bad mouthed my mother constantly in the process.

The good news is my entire childhood and now as an adult I had a really nice glimpse of what I know I did not want to be. I strive to be the polar opposite of him.

Went through it about 5 years ago. My son was 9; now he's 15. I really want to emphasize the importance of taking the high road. It'll be the most difficult thing if your separation is at any point contentious, but it is just so important for you and--most importantly--your children.

The only other thing I would add is that you're at the beginning of a long tunnel. It's dark and cold and lonely. But it will end. It may be a few weeks, it may be a few months. It could even be a year. But keep your eye on the end of that tunnel. Things will get better, and you will come out of it much better for it. Trust me.

I've been through it.

I didn't bad mouth my ex, but I did quip sarcastically about how broken-hearted I was in front of my kids. Wish I hadn't done that.

It sucks right now, but you've got to process those emotions. It may take a long time, but you'll recover and find value and joy in life again.

Don't ever give up, and stay close to those who love you.

Not the mother of your children. She will always be that and you and her will have to parent together. Graduations weddings grandbabys all that stuff will be impacted if you are not civil going forward.

Try not to openly talk to each other about the proceddings. Get a lawyer and then get your money's worth out of them. Just hearing certin words from her mouth will trigger you and that can be avoided having your lawyers do the talking.

Also take whatever intitial requests with a grain of salt. Every first offer will be unfair and overshot.

Hang in there and talk to your kids about the emotions your dealing with. Ghey can handle more then you think. If they see you hidding behind your emotions they will follow your lead. Deal with them openly, get help with it, tell them your gettinf help with it and ask them if they need help too.

Be a rock for your kids and at some point, you will find another partner who makes you happier.

and availing yourself of the wealth of support and sympathy available to you.

As a father and husband I think one of the most profound changes is the loss of complete control over one’s own life - even things as central as your own marriage, which can be such a devastating reality in some circumstances. Just know that you are in no way alone though it may sometimes (most times?) feel that way. Love your kids. And see you on the other side.

lose some weight, look great, bourbon, and the dating apps...wish they were around when I got divorced...ugh

In comment 15323376 AnnapolisMike said:

Quote:

But I am sending prayers that you make it thru as painlessly as possible. Hunker down and be there for your girls. Ultimately they are all that matters IMO.

Thank you for the kind words, advice and prayers! 🙏🏽

In comment 15323382 pjcas18 said:

Quote:

is from the perspective of a child of divorce (I was 7). Work out your issues with your soon to be ex in private as much as possible. Make sure your children realize they are loved and will still be loved and it's not their fault. To the extent possible do not bad mouth your soon to be ex in front of your children. It will be hard and you may be hurting, and sounds like you need to consider your own well being (and I won't pretend to have any advice there other than wishing you well), but your kids are still young enough to pick up on emotional cues and you should go to great lengths to not denigrate each other on front of them. I'd even upfront ask your spouse to agree to that for the kids benefit. Anyway, sorry I don't have better advice, hopefully you get the help you need (maybe join a support group?) and hopefully you can still protect your children.

This was great advice, I greatly appreciate it and I will go ahead and try to apply this. Thank you very much

In comment 15323397 jvm52106 said:

Quote:

- a little background- I had been involved with someone for 8 years, 5 of them we were Married. We had 4 kids together one planned and one surprise pregnancy that turned out to be triplets. I will spare the details of the would of, could of, should of and say she filed for divorce and moved on pretty quickly. The first thing you have to deal with is making sure not to poison the children against your ex as that serves no purpose. It sucks for sure but, she is their Mom and you don't want the kids having to pick sides and they shouldn't have to. Try and separate yourself from the past and move forward as "the new norm". Again, easier said than done but, finding your own way, finding your foothold will serve you well. DO NOT RUSH INTO SOMETHING ELSE.. I can promise you a new relationship will come later but right now you are a mess (you is anyone going through this) and own that, hold that as your shield. Your focus is on your kids and yourself. Finding someone else will not fix the hurt right now. Things to do: Get physically active if at all possible. Reshape your body and provide your mind a focus point on you. Reshape your mind. Starting thinking as one instead of for two. What makes you happy, what gets your motor running and what gives you focus and hope for the future. Reconnect with friends Do NOT follow your ex's social media stuff and tell friends who want to update you that you would prefer not talking about stuff like that. Friends some times think they are helping when it reality it is not help. Your kids will be affected differently and be open to just listening to them. Always be there for them and never use the "I am depressed or down" excuse for not spending time with them. They are not solely a combination of you and your ex, they are their own person and they will need their time with you.

I’ve actually unfollowed her social media as I do not want to see her with other guys. We were married 11 but together much longer. Thank you for the advice, this is super tough and yea I’m hurting big time but these words helped greatly! Thank you

I am truly grateful to everyone on BBI for the kinds words, prayers and advice. I will keep reading on and try to reply to each and everyone’s post, but I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Y’all are the best!

That's millions of broken marriages. You are not alone.

I don't know how they do it, but apparently they manage to cope. You'll find a way. Good luck and hang in there.

...and you're not already enrolled, absolutely opt-in when the 2022 open enrollment period happens.

If you can find an attorney that's within that plan's network it would be advisable to go that route.

Sure, it's August, but these things take time and with the children involved there will be issues where you will need good legal advice to make the best decisions.

My divorce 15y ago was completely amicable with no children and it took a while to wrap things up.

Hang in there.

Therapist and work on you. Lean on your Friends and family, they’re a rock and you will need them. Stay away from drinking even you aren’t a big drinker. Give yourself mental challenges to work on for the month. Lastly do not jump in a relationship. It sucks, it will get better I promise.

but not with kids. My ex and I had "temporarily" put off having kids, while she worked on her PhD (and while she was working on her PhD, a PhD was working on her). I also never expected it and it just about killed me at the time.

It was the lowest point of my life, by far, at the time (the last 3 words being very key). At the time, I felt it was worse than when my mom died (when I was 22) bc in that situation, as horribly painful as it was, I felt that at least my mom was in Heaven and no longer in pain (with her cancer).

I could write a book (whether anyone would read it, is another thing) about the year of my life beginning on Sat. April 18, 1999 (the reason I know the date is bc it was day 1 of the NFL draft. Giants picked Luke Petigout and my first marriage blew TF up!). That was the last page of a chapter in my life.

The next chapter involved resigning from my job (chemical engineering), moving about a thousand miles, going back to college to study something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT (computer animation) and a whole lot of pain. I'm not necessarily recommending all that and it's a long story why I chose that path, but it was the right thing for me (not the pain).

I was depressed as hell for about 6 months. I prayed a lot, but almost killed myself with prescription sleeping pills and vodka (I believe something supernatural saved me, but that's a long story). Long story short, I survived and started dating other women around Dec. of '99 (I might have done so sooner, but at one time I had the stupid idea that we might reconcile).

I met my 2nd and final wife in March of 2000 (married 9/02) and we get along SO MUCH BETTER than I ever did with my 1st. We have two teens and my life has been a million times better than it ever could've been with my ex. I'm an old fashioned guy and wasn't looking to upgrade from my bitch of a first wife, but I did, BIG TIME (in multiple ways). I believe my wife is a huge blessing from God.

I found out years ago that my ex and the guy she thought was her "soulmate", had a couple kids and then broke up. I guess it turns out instead of "soulmates", they were "asshole mates". I'm a forgiving guy and hold nothing against my ex. She actually did me a favor (just didn't know it at the time). Btw, I'm providing some of these details, in case something might be helpful to you.

tyrik13, I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are and I'm not a Bible thumper (please don't take offense, I'm just trying to help), but when I was at my lowest, a nice older lady told me to read Romans 8:28 and pray over it.

Romans 8:28: We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

I read it over and over and prayed a lot (I believe that had everything to do with being saved that night and the abundant life I've had since).

Hang in there tyrik13! The misery is temporary.

maybe too much detail. I'm praying for you, tyrik13.

Thank you for sharing what was obviously a very painful experience

My two cents is that you should make your mental health your number one priority. Invest in it. If that means a gym membership, a Pelaton bike, therapy sessions, antidepressants, so be it. This is especially true if you're having suicidal thoughts.

Posted this.
Not to hijack his thread, but the same thing happened to me a month ago.
I too appreciate the (suprisingly? )Good advice here .

and pain will subside. It just will. Do the right thing by your children and you won't regret it later.

So I'll just add this: Going through my divorce 24 years ago was really tough. I took a long time to regain some of my self-confidence and I made some poor choices along the way. But I feel safe saying that my life is SO much better now than it would have been if I hadn't gotten divorced. Part of that is because of what the experience taught me about myself and relationships - and largely because I eventually found someone who is a much better fit for me.

I will soon be attending my daughter's wedding and because we handled things the "right" way over the years, my ex and I will be sitting at the same table and will both be proud parents.

Advice and anecdotes. Good luck tyrik.

For those who have initiated a divorce, when did you know the marriage was over?

In comment 15323398 pjcas18 said:

Quote:

my mother referred to my father as "the asshole" from the time I was 7 (still to this day I think). and my father was awful with child support payments and my mother never was secret about that and because of that my father was very critical of my mother in front of us. and I'm being polite and providing the PG version of things. it's not fair to the kids or healthy for them to have to deal with parents behaving like that.

Yes. The constant bickering and yelling back and forth between the two parents can drive any kid bonkers. Shit or get off the pot and be done with one another already.

I’m married 35 years but my parents went through a terrible divorce
One piece of advice. Don’t let divorce drag on
Give her what she wants as long as you can be with and see your kids grow up
The only ones who win in a divorce are the lawyers. End it quickly

Diet
Gym
Exercise
Go out socially but don’t find someone to quick. A lot of times it’s on the rebound. Take ur time. You will definitely find your soul mate
Good luck and go to more Giants games🏈😜

I cannot imagine how i'd handle a divorce. Hang in there Tyrik. As stated, working out or regular exercise is always beneficial, especially in times like this. Best wishes. May the Giants win big for you this year.

In comment 15323601 Dr. D said:

Quote:

but not with kids. My ex and I had "temporarily" put off having kids, while she worked on her PhD (and while she was working on her PhD, a PhD was working on her). I also never expected it and it just about killed me at the time. It was the lowest point of my life, by far, at the time (the last 3 words being very key). At the time, I felt it was worse than when my mom died (when I was 22) bc in that situation, as horribly painful as it was, I felt that at least my mom was in Heaven and no longer in pain (with her cancer). I could write a book (whether anyone would read it, is another thing) about the year of my life beginning on Sat. April 18, 1999 (the reason I know the date is bc it was day 1 of the NFL draft. Giants picked Luke Petigout and my first marriage blew TF up!). That was the last page of a chapter in my life. The next chapter involved resigning from my job (chemical engineering), moving about a thousand miles, going back to college to study something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT (computer animation) and a whole lot of pain. I'm not necessarily recommending all that and it's a long story why I chose that path, but it was the right thing for me (not the pain). I was depressed as hell for about 6 months. I prayed a lot, but almost killed myself with prescription sleeping pills and vodka (I believe something supernatural saved me, but that's a long story). Long story short, I survived and started dating other women around Dec. of '99 (I might have done so sooner, but at one time I had the stupid idea that we might reconcile). I met my 2nd and final wife in March of 2000 (married 9/02) and we get along SO MUCH BETTER than I ever did with my 1st. We have two teens and my life has been a million times better than it ever could've been with my ex. I'm an old fashioned guy and wasn't looking to upgrade from my bitch of a first wife, but I did, BIG TIME (in multiple ways). I believe my wife is a huge blessing from God. I found out years ago that my ex and the guy she thought was her "soulmate", had a couple kids and then broke up. I guess it turns out instead of "soulmates", they were "asshole mates". I'm a forgiving guy and hold nothing against my ex. She actually did me a favor (just didn't know it at the time). Btw, I'm providing some of these details, in case something might be helpful to you. tyrik13, I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are and I'm not a Bible thumper (please don't take offense, I'm just trying to help), but when I was at my lowest, a nice older lady told me to read Romans 8:28 and pray over it. Romans 8:28: We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. I read it over and over and prayed a lot (I believe that had everything to do with being saved that night and the abundant life I've had since). Hang in there tyrik13! The misery is temporary.

Good post.

I went through something like this, but thankfully it didn't involve any children. It was the absolute worst, and I hit rock bottom.

I was blaming myself for the break-up, and doing everything possible to "get her back," which I viewed as some sort of referendum on my self worth. My closest friend took me aside and asked me why I would I ever want to be with someone that didn't really want to be with me. Simple words that did not resonate at the time, but later did when I figured out the real problem, which was my personal insecurity.

The pain of the loss of a relationship is something that can't be avoided. But the point when you can move on after the grieving is when you realize that the relationship was not right (for whatever reason, and no matter whose fault) and that you deserve something better. Saying it is so much easier than believing it. But if you keep telling yourself this and working to improve your life apart from the relationship, you'll get there. And as you get to the point where you are more secure, you'll have an even better chance of getting into a better relationship. At least this is what happened to me.

You can disregard everything I've said, but I can assure you that everything eventually will get better! Best of luck.

Sorry to hear man. Keep your head up. Better days are ahead.

I don’t have any specific advise, but personally I always find reading the Bible encouraging even in the lowest of times.

I wish you well.

No kids and we both wanted out. Did the whole thing myself for around $800. We were both smiling in the courtroom.
I would say to move on mentally as much as you can. The sooner you deal with the heartache the sooner you can move on. For me, I could not wait to start seeing other people.
After having been with the same woman for 23 years, I really dug the online dating. Lots of highs and lows in my 7 dates. Don’t get too attached in this phase unless something happens. For me it was the 7th date and we have been together almost 3 years now. Good luck.

for all the bickering and snide remarks sometimes seen on BBI, this was a great series of posts. Very caring and thoughtful people on this thread.