Meltdown Monday

Meltdown Monday

Sunday, 1:15 PST.

I sit down in my living room waiting for my neighbor, a Bronco fan.

The doorbell rings and a tiny red devil with the head and voice of Bill Parcells pops out of thin air and sits on my shoulder.

“You really are this fucking stupid?” he asks.

A puff of white smoke on my other shoulder and out pops an angel with the head and voice of Jim Fassel.

“Don’t listen to him, Judge is the man and Daniel Jones is going to have a MVP year, push all your chips into the center of the table”

The devil disappears in a puff of smoke and reappears with a bang on the other shoulder and slaps the angel in the face with a salami.

“Shut the fuck up you stupid prick, if you say MVP and Jones again, I will stab you, he hasn’t done shit”

The angel snaps his fingers and the devil is back on my other shoulder.

“Why don’t you do that and turn Jones into a real quarterback asshole” quips the devil

“All he needs is for people to believe in him” The angel says in a singsong voice.

I turn to the devil, “If he does that all game, we will have to kill him.”

Bill grins wickedly.

I go answer the door and let my neighbor in. Beer delivered, munchies in place and we don’t fumble the kickoff. See how far we have fallen? Happy with not fumbling.

Yay us.

OK, new season, new everything.

3rd down, fuck.

42 to yards to Slayton and flag is on them.

“Suck it, Satan Bill.”

“I am going to remember this, just sayin’ ” promises the devil.

“See what I am telling you, you just gotta believe” exclaims the angel.

1ST and ten on the Denver 30. Points incoming, on our very first drive.

This IS a new year.

“Wait for it” chimes the devil

Jones would not have completed that last year, one year does not carry over to the next, just like they told me on BBI.

-6 yards to Toney

“Is he wearing the right cleats? Maybe he shoulda had more than 2 practices?” the devil snarks.

“Patience is a virtue” sings the angel

I give the angel a dirty look.

-2 yards to Booker

“New year, huh”?

I wonder what will happen if I shoot the devil with hollow points.

“No worries, Judge has them prepared, a big play is coming, I feel it” says the idiot angel.

Incomplete pass

The asshole devil is laughing at me, 3 inches from my face.

Punt.

Denver 5 plays and a punt.

NYG 3 and out

“Good thing you pushed all those chips in”

15 play 8 minute and 42 second drive that ends in a field goal.

“The defense held them to only 3 points, we will take the lead on the next possession” says the singing Fassel.

Fuck me, this is 2020, it has to be, Covid is still here.

17 yards to Golloday

That is NOT 2020.

“lucky catch” says the Devil

“perfect pass” says the Angel.

Some stupid plays happen.

“YES!!!!!! Did you see that, 37 yard TD to Sheppard, kiss my big white ass Bill.”

We are going win opening day.

“You are Charlie Brown and Daniel Jones is Lucy but you can’t even see it” grumbles the Devil.

The Angel is laughing on my shoulder.

Life is good.

Denver marches right down the field, the devil is mocking me.

They are about score when a miracle happens.

The Angel is smirking.

Logan Ryan recovered a fumble at the 4.

This is a New Year, motherfuckers.

“You blew that miracle shit WAY to soon” the devil laughs

NYG 3 and out. 1 minute 40 seconds

7 plays 57 yards 2 minutes 17 seconds

Denver 10 NYG 7

“You had the lead for 4 minutes suckers, 4 minutes”

“That is the last lead you will have for the entire season, I hope it was good for you.” The devil mocks”

I look over to see what the angel has to see say and he is gone.

“Where did the angel go?” I ask the devil

“He was never here, this is a lot more fun for me when you have hope” laughs the devil

“Hey, this isn’t the worst of it, once the Bears start Fields, they won’t lose another game this year and you could have drafted him…”

The devil disappears with a bang and some smoke.